Now that I have found Mr Right, I've decided to finish this blog. As promised though, here is the link to my new one.
I hope that you will all follow me there and read on about:
All The People In My Life......
http://allthepeopleinmylife.blogspot.ca/
Hope to see you all there and I hope to hear from you soon.....
SSW :)
P.S. Check out my new profile picture on the blog and my new description. If you click on 'view my complete profile' you should see the link to both blogs.
P.P.S. Just copy and paste the above link to your address bar in order to reach the new blog. Then save it in your favorites ;)
Thank you once again for reading....
SSW :)
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Confident I got it Right!
'At some point in life, someone will love you more than what you've expected. Be patient and learn to wait, because sometimes, a patient person receives the best love story'. Unknown author
And what a love story it is......
It's been awhile since I've written. Frankly, I haven't had much to write about unless you want to hear me gushing about the love and romance (lol).
I AM OFFICIALLY INTRODUCING MR CONFIDENT AS MR RIGHT!!
There, that deserved capital letters I believe!
This will be my last entry to this blog. I have found my Mr Right and although life is throwing us a few curve balls, we are handling them and we will be fine.
I do have to say to all of you though that for the first time in my life I'm realizing that a relationship is not necessarily 'hard work'. Yes of course we have to communicate and talk things through, of course we have to laugh and have fun and we have to put each other first in each other's lives. But guess what? It's not difficult to do....it's the simplest thing in fact.
Yes, I'm still a mother and in my mom's heart my boy is my priority. Yes, Mr Right has a family also and of course they are important. But as a couple, we are each other's priority and that is shining through.
Another important factor is to develop a friendship. Mr Right is my best friend. I'm learning that liking someone AND loving him are very important things in a relationship.
So there you have it!
SSW has found her life partner. We are living through a few reality checks at the moment with me getting back to work but you know, I'm truly not worried about it.....
My files up there (yes there) are happily sleeping together, no warning bells are ringing and my gut feelings are all good! What an incredible feeling! I don't have the words to tell you how right this feels......
I will think about another possible topic for a blog and I would also like to hear your suggestions. I love writing and I find it very therapeutic. I'm convinced that getting my thoughts together in writing this blog has helped me reached my goal to meet someone.
Any thoughts on what I should write about next? Please let me know!
Stay tuned, I will link the new blog to this one in another entry as soon as I figure out or get inspired as to what I should write about..... Perhaps a guide to online dating? Perhaps a guide to weight loss through proper nutrition and exercise? Anything else?
Thank you to all of my readers from all over the world (that is truly mind boggling).
Thank you to everyone that has commented and given advice.
I truly appreciated everyone's thoughts.
Signed yours in love and happiness,
Self-Sufficient Woman (I'm confident that despite Mr Right in my life that I will always be a SSW).
:))
It is wonderful to hold each other's heart.....
And what a love story it is......
It's been awhile since I've written. Frankly, I haven't had much to write about unless you want to hear me gushing about the love and romance (lol).
I AM OFFICIALLY INTRODUCING MR CONFIDENT AS MR RIGHT!!
There, that deserved capital letters I believe!
This will be my last entry to this blog. I have found my Mr Right and although life is throwing us a few curve balls, we are handling them and we will be fine.
I do have to say to all of you though that for the first time in my life I'm realizing that a relationship is not necessarily 'hard work'. Yes of course we have to communicate and talk things through, of course we have to laugh and have fun and we have to put each other first in each other's lives. But guess what? It's not difficult to do....it's the simplest thing in fact.
Yes, I'm still a mother and in my mom's heart my boy is my priority. Yes, Mr Right has a family also and of course they are important. But as a couple, we are each other's priority and that is shining through.
Another important factor is to develop a friendship. Mr Right is my best friend. I'm learning that liking someone AND loving him are very important things in a relationship.
So there you have it!
SSW has found her life partner. We are living through a few reality checks at the moment with me getting back to work but you know, I'm truly not worried about it.....
My files up there (yes there) are happily sleeping together, no warning bells are ringing and my gut feelings are all good! What an incredible feeling! I don't have the words to tell you how right this feels......
I will think about another possible topic for a blog and I would also like to hear your suggestions. I love writing and I find it very therapeutic. I'm convinced that getting my thoughts together in writing this blog has helped me reached my goal to meet someone.
Any thoughts on what I should write about next? Please let me know!
Stay tuned, I will link the new blog to this one in another entry as soon as I figure out or get inspired as to what I should write about..... Perhaps a guide to online dating? Perhaps a guide to weight loss through proper nutrition and exercise? Anything else?
Thank you to all of my readers from all over the world (that is truly mind boggling).
Thank you to everyone that has commented and given advice.
I truly appreciated everyone's thoughts.
Signed yours in love and happiness,
Self-Sufficient Woman (I'm confident that despite Mr Right in my life that I will always be a SSW).
:))
It is wonderful to hold each other's heart.....
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Friendship, romance and confidence
I thought that I would write a bit about these three things that I'm discovering in a new way.
Friendship: A friendship is a bond between two or more people. For the sake of this entry, let's talk about the friendship between a couple. Funny enough, I'm an expert on friendships. I've been blessed with being surrounded by lots of friends and I have my very own special friends or bff if you wish. Best friends forever are indeed special friends!
Now, I'm in the process of developing another relationship and having another kind of bff. This bff though is different than all others I've ever had. It is the development of a deep friendship with a man. We do everything together as 'girlfriends' do, except....well he is not a girl (lol). It's neat really! We laugh and joke and tease and we also go for walks and shop and talk non stop.....almost as much as two women would.
I'm not 100% sure but I think that this is a very good sign in a 'couple' relationship. In fact, studies show that a couple that is also friends have a stronger relationship that lasts longer. I guess it's the concept of not only loving someone but just as importantly liking them too...... I'm very happy to be developing a strong friendship with Mr Confidence.
Romance: Romance is the show of emotional love. It is a way to develop and to show the emotional attachment one has for the other.
In the past entries, I've often bashed the romance. I've always associated the romantic gestures as being a way for the man to get what he wants sexually. I'm now seriously eating my words. I never thought that the day would come....
Oh, I was right in thinking that romantic men who are truly romantic for the sake of being romantic are not that common (that is what I've found and it is also what my girlfriends tell me), however, I have found me a truly and purely romantic man (life is rough - ha)!
What does romance do? True romance tells me that the other person is willing to do anything to please and to make the other partner feel special.
More importantly, the true romancer does not expect the other to reciprocate anything.....not even sex.... this is a big eye opener for me. Not only that another person is willing to do these beautiful romantic gestures just for the sake and the fun of doing them but that nothing is expected in return.
In fact, in my case, there is a look of confusion on Mr Confident's face if there is a mention of romance always being associated with sex. In his eyes, the two do not necessarily coincide.
Mr Confident has often told me that men in general do not know how to really treat a lady with the romance, the love and the attention that they truly deserve.
Hey, who am I to argue with him?
I have to admit that it is refreshing to see and especially to feel. Believe me, I don't take the romantic acts for granted and I cherish each and everyone one of them. Whether it be kissing under a big tree when the sudden rain storm chases us on our walk or whether it be the sudden impulsive slow dances in the kitchen, or even the phone call in the middle of the day from work to express the love and the thankfulness to have found each other.....I will take it all....
Many people have expressed how they are happy for me and how much I deserve this. I've now started to agree with them! You're damn right I deserve this!!! :) Everyone does really.....
Confidence: Mr Confident's confidence is a bit confusing to me at times.
I'm always surprised at his show of confidence in everything in life. It is not a cockiness that I am seeing but really a vision of positivity.
Mr Confident does not understand why I worry about this and that. He often tells me to relax and to get out of my head (hmmm, he knows me really well in such a short time).
Thing is, I'm a positive person also but I tend to be analytical (yes, I know that you are all shocked) and he isn't. I tend to question everything and he doesn't. He just lets things be without much analysis.
As mentioned before, we do compliment each other though. Yes, I'm learning to relax and to slowly get out of my head, but Mr Confident is quickly finding out that when I analyze and organize that things get done in a serious way. Yes, he laughs at my lists but he admits that things get done....
The confidence surrounding me is teaching me to trust. I'm not sure why or how, but I do know that there is a lesson of trust happening.
Mr Confidence is truly not concerned about my 'what ifs' and my analysis of most things. He listens and comforts and hugs and assures me that everything will fall into place with time. He does not chastise me for having those thoughts and he never makes me feel bad about them.
Mr Confidence is a very very patient man. Frankly, he is more patient with me than I am with myself. I get on my own nerves at times. He chuckles and hugs me and tells me he loves me.
What else can I do but to simply relax?
I'm with my new best friend....
A romantic best friend.....
Who is teaching me to trust through confidence and love.....
Who am I to argue with this? What is there to fight?
Signed yours truly, slowly but surely getting out of her head.....
SSW :))
Friendship: A friendship is a bond between two or more people. For the sake of this entry, let's talk about the friendship between a couple. Funny enough, I'm an expert on friendships. I've been blessed with being surrounded by lots of friends and I have my very own special friends or bff if you wish. Best friends forever are indeed special friends!
Now, I'm in the process of developing another relationship and having another kind of bff. This bff though is different than all others I've ever had. It is the development of a deep friendship with a man. We do everything together as 'girlfriends' do, except....well he is not a girl (lol). It's neat really! We laugh and joke and tease and we also go for walks and shop and talk non stop.....almost as much as two women would.
I'm not 100% sure but I think that this is a very good sign in a 'couple' relationship. In fact, studies show that a couple that is also friends have a stronger relationship that lasts longer. I guess it's the concept of not only loving someone but just as importantly liking them too...... I'm very happy to be developing a strong friendship with Mr Confidence.
Romance: Romance is the show of emotional love. It is a way to develop and to show the emotional attachment one has for the other.
In the past entries, I've often bashed the romance. I've always associated the romantic gestures as being a way for the man to get what he wants sexually. I'm now seriously eating my words. I never thought that the day would come....
Oh, I was right in thinking that romantic men who are truly romantic for the sake of being romantic are not that common (that is what I've found and it is also what my girlfriends tell me), however, I have found me a truly and purely romantic man (life is rough - ha)!
What does romance do? True romance tells me that the other person is willing to do anything to please and to make the other partner feel special.
More importantly, the true romancer does not expect the other to reciprocate anything.....not even sex.... this is a big eye opener for me. Not only that another person is willing to do these beautiful romantic gestures just for the sake and the fun of doing them but that nothing is expected in return.
In fact, in my case, there is a look of confusion on Mr Confident's face if there is a mention of romance always being associated with sex. In his eyes, the two do not necessarily coincide.
Mr Confident has often told me that men in general do not know how to really treat a lady with the romance, the love and the attention that they truly deserve.
Hey, who am I to argue with him?
I have to admit that it is refreshing to see and especially to feel. Believe me, I don't take the romantic acts for granted and I cherish each and everyone one of them. Whether it be kissing under a big tree when the sudden rain storm chases us on our walk or whether it be the sudden impulsive slow dances in the kitchen, or even the phone call in the middle of the day from work to express the love and the thankfulness to have found each other.....I will take it all....
Many people have expressed how they are happy for me and how much I deserve this. I've now started to agree with them! You're damn right I deserve this!!! :) Everyone does really.....
Confidence: Mr Confident's confidence is a bit confusing to me at times.
I'm always surprised at his show of confidence in everything in life. It is not a cockiness that I am seeing but really a vision of positivity.
Mr Confident does not understand why I worry about this and that. He often tells me to relax and to get out of my head (hmmm, he knows me really well in such a short time).
Thing is, I'm a positive person also but I tend to be analytical (yes, I know that you are all shocked) and he isn't. I tend to question everything and he doesn't. He just lets things be without much analysis.
As mentioned before, we do compliment each other though. Yes, I'm learning to relax and to slowly get out of my head, but Mr Confident is quickly finding out that when I analyze and organize that things get done in a serious way. Yes, he laughs at my lists but he admits that things get done....
The confidence surrounding me is teaching me to trust. I'm not sure why or how, but I do know that there is a lesson of trust happening.
Mr Confidence is truly not concerned about my 'what ifs' and my analysis of most things. He listens and comforts and hugs and assures me that everything will fall into place with time. He does not chastise me for having those thoughts and he never makes me feel bad about them.
Mr Confidence is a very very patient man. Frankly, he is more patient with me than I am with myself. I get on my own nerves at times. He chuckles and hugs me and tells me he loves me.
What else can I do but to simply relax?
I'm with my new best friend....
A romantic best friend.....
Who is teaching me to trust through confidence and love.....
Who am I to argue with this? What is there to fight?
Signed yours truly, slowly but surely getting out of her head.....
SSW :))
Monday, 29 July 2013
Finding the right balance
So as you may or may not have figured out, I'm having the time of my life with Mr Confident.
This incredible man is making me feel! To be able to feel things, all kind of 'things' is an incredible feeling in itself..... Weirdly enough I'm feeling 'things' I never thought I would ever feel or didn't believe existed.... *sigh*.
Yup, I'm hooked in.....hook, line and sinker.....
Oh don't you all worry, I haven't completely lost myself in this. I'm still aware and I'm still listening, observing and learning. I have not had an entry titled 'Introducing Mr Right'.....yet......
No bells are ringing though and my files are happily cuddled together and sleeping. The Mitigation File (M), the Experience File (E) and the Trust file (T) have actually done their job and with that I have MET someone great!
The biggest challenge for me at the moment is finding the right balance. I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all and frankly a little bit scared. Don't forget that I have been alone and completely independent for over 10 years. I know that Mr Confident has admitted to feeling a bit scared also.
We are working in finding the balance with each other. It is not easy. I'm happy to have met him at the beginning of my holidays thus making it that much easier to adjust. A big period of adjustment will probably occur when I go back to work though.....I think we are up to the challenge.
A funny thought just went through my mind as I wrote the last paragraph..... I'm not even doubting that this man will still be in my life by the time I get back to work. Now that in itself is almost miraculous....
No, Mr Confident and I are finding the right balance. We encourage each other to do our 'thing' and to take care of business. He is teaching me (in a big way) to relax and to let go but on the other hand, I'm teaching him (I believe) to get things done and on schedule. He feels very productive with me on his days off and for that I am pleased.
So I'm finding the balance with the time to do my 'things' and more importantly with the time to spend with my son. I check in almost daily with my son in terms of finding out what he feels about all of this.
As it stands, he really likes Mr Confidence and I don't foresee this really changing in him...... Again, I'm very happy with that.....what my son thinks is very important to me.
The one place where I definitely need to regain control and balance is in the food department. If you haven't read my January 2013 entry 'U can't touch this!!', please go read it to understand what it is I'm talking about.
Mr Confident has a sweet tooth. A serious sweet tooth. Our cooking styles are complete opposites. I'm the fat conscious healthy cook and he is the 'fat adds taste to everything' cook. It's a problem..... It's a problem because in trying to integrate a relationship between Mr Confident and my son (Mr Confident works long hours) he has been having dinners with us. Thing is, Mr Confident is an excellent cook and he absolutely loves it. He insists on cooking because he loves it so much and it relaxes him after work. So combine that with SSW here who doesn't particular like cooking but who likes food......well, I foresee a potential disaster ahead....
What have I done to balance this? I've diminished portion sizes to begin with. I've also kept up the gym and the exercise which is a very good thing.....
This week, I'm dealing with the hormonal side of things where sugar and salt are in the forefront. Guess who is feeding me the sweets and the salt ON TOP of the dinners..... *sigh*. Yup... Mr Confident's attitude is 'if you crave it, eat it'..... He is obviously not a middle aged hormonal woman....lol.
Funny thing is, I've actually lost a couple of pounds last week. Probably due to the smaller portion size....?
I'm not blaming Mr Confident. I've learnt over the years that what crosses my lips is MY responsibility and mine alone.... I definitely need to find the balance in the food department though....
I think I will figure it out. You see, the thing is, how my relationship with Mr Confident stands, I don't think that there will be anything that we cannot figure out together. Mr Confident and I are fast becoming best friends and we communicate well. I will be surprised if there is something that we can't conquer together.....
So there you have it. Finding the balance. I thought I had the balance, I really did. I'm in the process of redefining it though. I'm more relaxed and less rigid with schedules, I'm learning that even the 'bad' foods can have a small place in my life (small place being the key word) and I'm also learning to allow someone in my life to help me with a variety of everyday things. I'm learning to trust. It's really something eh?
I'm trusting enough to allow Mr Confident to treat me like a queen (and boy does he ever) without even thinking of questioning his motives.
I celebrated my birthday a few days ago. The attention poured on me, the love and affection put forth in all of the little details just for the sake of pleasing me.....wow....truly mind boggling stuff. The romance continues, the laughter continues and so does the good conversations. The caring and the love is developing....
Lots of overwhelming stuff happening in my life. You can all imagine that I get the 'panic' feeling at times. Sometimes I supress it and at other times, I share it with Mr Confident who in turn always always always reassures me.
So there you have it. I'm trying to regain some balance and more importantly I'm trying to find the right one. We are both on the verge of meeting some family members (I've already met his lovely elderly mother who promptly look at his son after a few minutes of being with me and told him NOT to lose me.....lol, it was great). Mr Confident and I both laugh at that once in awhile.
The laughter is a definite plus for us. We were at a store today and a worker stopped us to tell us that we were a 'cute' couple. I suspect we radiate happiness and joy.....
Not a bad thing at all eh?
Signed yours truly in a balancing act....
SSW :))
This incredible man is making me feel! To be able to feel things, all kind of 'things' is an incredible feeling in itself..... Weirdly enough I'm feeling 'things' I never thought I would ever feel or didn't believe existed.... *sigh*.
Yup, I'm hooked in.....hook, line and sinker.....
Oh don't you all worry, I haven't completely lost myself in this. I'm still aware and I'm still listening, observing and learning. I have not had an entry titled 'Introducing Mr Right'.....yet......
No bells are ringing though and my files are happily cuddled together and sleeping. The Mitigation File (M), the Experience File (E) and the Trust file (T) have actually done their job and with that I have MET someone great!
The biggest challenge for me at the moment is finding the right balance. I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all and frankly a little bit scared. Don't forget that I have been alone and completely independent for over 10 years. I know that Mr Confident has admitted to feeling a bit scared also.
We are working in finding the balance with each other. It is not easy. I'm happy to have met him at the beginning of my holidays thus making it that much easier to adjust. A big period of adjustment will probably occur when I go back to work though.....I think we are up to the challenge.
A funny thought just went through my mind as I wrote the last paragraph..... I'm not even doubting that this man will still be in my life by the time I get back to work. Now that in itself is almost miraculous....
No, Mr Confident and I are finding the right balance. We encourage each other to do our 'thing' and to take care of business. He is teaching me (in a big way) to relax and to let go but on the other hand, I'm teaching him (I believe) to get things done and on schedule. He feels very productive with me on his days off and for that I am pleased.
So I'm finding the balance with the time to do my 'things' and more importantly with the time to spend with my son. I check in almost daily with my son in terms of finding out what he feels about all of this.
As it stands, he really likes Mr Confidence and I don't foresee this really changing in him...... Again, I'm very happy with that.....what my son thinks is very important to me.
The one place where I definitely need to regain control and balance is in the food department. If you haven't read my January 2013 entry 'U can't touch this!!', please go read it to understand what it is I'm talking about.
Mr Confident has a sweet tooth. A serious sweet tooth. Our cooking styles are complete opposites. I'm the fat conscious healthy cook and he is the 'fat adds taste to everything' cook. It's a problem..... It's a problem because in trying to integrate a relationship between Mr Confident and my son (Mr Confident works long hours) he has been having dinners with us. Thing is, Mr Confident is an excellent cook and he absolutely loves it. He insists on cooking because he loves it so much and it relaxes him after work. So combine that with SSW here who doesn't particular like cooking but who likes food......well, I foresee a potential disaster ahead....
What have I done to balance this? I've diminished portion sizes to begin with. I've also kept up the gym and the exercise which is a very good thing.....
This week, I'm dealing with the hormonal side of things where sugar and salt are in the forefront. Guess who is feeding me the sweets and the salt ON TOP of the dinners..... *sigh*. Yup... Mr Confident's attitude is 'if you crave it, eat it'..... He is obviously not a middle aged hormonal woman....lol.
Funny thing is, I've actually lost a couple of pounds last week. Probably due to the smaller portion size....?
I'm not blaming Mr Confident. I've learnt over the years that what crosses my lips is MY responsibility and mine alone.... I definitely need to find the balance in the food department though....
I think I will figure it out. You see, the thing is, how my relationship with Mr Confident stands, I don't think that there will be anything that we cannot figure out together. Mr Confident and I are fast becoming best friends and we communicate well. I will be surprised if there is something that we can't conquer together.....
So there you have it. Finding the balance. I thought I had the balance, I really did. I'm in the process of redefining it though. I'm more relaxed and less rigid with schedules, I'm learning that even the 'bad' foods can have a small place in my life (small place being the key word) and I'm also learning to allow someone in my life to help me with a variety of everyday things. I'm learning to trust. It's really something eh?
I'm trusting enough to allow Mr Confident to treat me like a queen (and boy does he ever) without even thinking of questioning his motives.
I celebrated my birthday a few days ago. The attention poured on me, the love and affection put forth in all of the little details just for the sake of pleasing me.....wow....truly mind boggling stuff. The romance continues, the laughter continues and so does the good conversations. The caring and the love is developing....
Lots of overwhelming stuff happening in my life. You can all imagine that I get the 'panic' feeling at times. Sometimes I supress it and at other times, I share it with Mr Confident who in turn always always always reassures me.
So there you have it. I'm trying to regain some balance and more importantly I'm trying to find the right one. We are both on the verge of meeting some family members (I've already met his lovely elderly mother who promptly look at his son after a few minutes of being with me and told him NOT to lose me.....lol, it was great). Mr Confident and I both laugh at that once in awhile.
The laughter is a definite plus for us. We were at a store today and a worker stopped us to tell us that we were a 'cute' couple. I suspect we radiate happiness and joy.....
Not a bad thing at all eh?
Signed yours truly in a balancing act....
SSW :))
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Letting go.....
Finding a balance in life has always been important to me. I always thought that things were under control in my life....and according to my definition, they were.....
When I first met Mr Confident (seems like one year ago now for some reason), I was having trouble 'letting go'. I could not let myself go and start to trust. I knew I needed time and I have to admit that a few times, I almost backed off and thought of running the other way.
Thankfully Mr Confident saw right through this. For some reason, this man can read my mind. He saw that I was having difficulty in letting go and in relaxing and trusting him so he simply offered me some sound advice. He said 'instead of letting go of something, just add me on to your life and what needs to be let go, will go.....'
Pretty wise advice. It worked. Now, with a new add on, I'm finding that I'm letting go of the non essential things. I THOUGHT that I had a good balance in life. However now I realize that this balance was a little off.... I will explain this in another entry at another time....
I have my ups and downs with myself, however I am getting better. At one point, I was doubting several things about myself and my involvement. Mr Confident simply hugged me and told me that he was not letting me go and that he would never allow me to push him away. His words were 'I won't run away from your pushing, I will run right into it.'
Thankfully we both communicate very well......
I have found myself a Mr Confident that will /is become /becoming my Mr Right.... No, we are not perfect, but we certainly seem perfect for each other....
In letting go of the non important stuff (that I'm learning from Mr Confident), I'm realizing that in order to be whole in a relationship that I must redefine my balance. Not only do I now need to balance my son in this equation (and so far so good I think), but I need to redefine balance for myself.
I'm slowly letting go of a very rigid routine (even on holidays) and I'm learning to spend quality time with the two men in my life who each want my attention.
Thankfully, Mr Confident has a young adult son of his own so he understands this. He is fantastic with my son and is slowly penetrating his trust..... He knows what he is doing and is proving to be Mr Confident with a teenager also. I am oh so thankful for this....as you all know, if my son would not be comfortable with a man in my life, it would make a relationship impossible.
So here I am, I'm discovering my new best friend. I'm communicating well with him, laughing with him and we both completely enjoy each other's company at all times.
Mr Confident and I are both learning to allow the other to help out with every day things. That in itself is a big lesson for two independent people. We are both learning to let go of things, each having different things to let go but each learning to rely on the other one to do so.....
Now THAT is a big lesson..... I'm letting go and it feels pretty good and pretty secure.....
In letting go, I'm redefining balance for myself... .
Who would have thought that I was off in my balance? Wow...not me...
Signed yours truly, learning to let go of the non important stuff....
SSW :)
When I first met Mr Confident (seems like one year ago now for some reason), I was having trouble 'letting go'. I could not let myself go and start to trust. I knew I needed time and I have to admit that a few times, I almost backed off and thought of running the other way.
Thankfully Mr Confident saw right through this. For some reason, this man can read my mind. He saw that I was having difficulty in letting go and in relaxing and trusting him so he simply offered me some sound advice. He said 'instead of letting go of something, just add me on to your life and what needs to be let go, will go.....'
Pretty wise advice. It worked. Now, with a new add on, I'm finding that I'm letting go of the non essential things. I THOUGHT that I had a good balance in life. However now I realize that this balance was a little off.... I will explain this in another entry at another time....
I have my ups and downs with myself, however I am getting better. At one point, I was doubting several things about myself and my involvement. Mr Confident simply hugged me and told me that he was not letting me go and that he would never allow me to push him away. His words were 'I won't run away from your pushing, I will run right into it.'
Thankfully we both communicate very well......
I have found myself a Mr Confident that will /is become /becoming my Mr Right.... No, we are not perfect, but we certainly seem perfect for each other....
In letting go of the non important stuff (that I'm learning from Mr Confident), I'm realizing that in order to be whole in a relationship that I must redefine my balance. Not only do I now need to balance my son in this equation (and so far so good I think), but I need to redefine balance for myself.
I'm slowly letting go of a very rigid routine (even on holidays) and I'm learning to spend quality time with the two men in my life who each want my attention.
Thankfully, Mr Confident has a young adult son of his own so he understands this. He is fantastic with my son and is slowly penetrating his trust..... He knows what he is doing and is proving to be Mr Confident with a teenager also. I am oh so thankful for this....as you all know, if my son would not be comfortable with a man in my life, it would make a relationship impossible.
So here I am, I'm discovering my new best friend. I'm communicating well with him, laughing with him and we both completely enjoy each other's company at all times.
Mr Confident and I are both learning to allow the other to help out with every day things. That in itself is a big lesson for two independent people. We are both learning to let go of things, each having different things to let go but each learning to rely on the other one to do so.....
Now THAT is a big lesson..... I'm letting go and it feels pretty good and pretty secure.....
In letting go, I'm redefining balance for myself... .
Who would have thought that I was off in my balance? Wow...not me...
Signed yours truly, learning to let go of the non important stuff....
SSW :)
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Trusting and having Confidence
A lot has happened once again since the last time I wrote.
But baby, it's allllll goooood..... :)
Mr Confident and I are getting to know each other. We have a super connection going on. We are discovering startling similarities in each other and are applauding our differences.....
Mr Confident is continuing to be extremely romantic! He is a kind, gentle, fun and very respectful man.
He wants me to meet his mother soon. I'm looking forward to that......
Mr Confidence knows that I have trust issues. He assures me of his patience with me. He even told me that he would tell me every day if I needed to hear it...
I feel very comfortable with him. In fact, I even told him about this blog. I told him what his name is on the blog. He smiled and told me that it belongs to me and that he did not want to read it. He also told me that he keeps a journal and writes. He is a very good writer...... the romantic emails are priceless to me.....
Yes, I'm smiling.....
No serious bells are ringing. I've got 'my trust issues paranoia' in check and yes, even my files are quiet.
I'm going by the motto to trust until I have a reason not to trust....
I trust and I have confidence that I won't necessarily ever have a reason not to trust.
Time will tell.....
But in the meantime, I'm smiling and laughing and giggling and yes, I'm in the process of letting the walls down from around my heart.
Mr Confident assures me that he is holding my heart for me and that he will always protect it. And yes, in case you are wondering, those were his words......
Signed....a very slowly but surely trusting SSW :))
But baby, it's allllll goooood..... :)
Mr Confident and I are getting to know each other. We have a super connection going on. We are discovering startling similarities in each other and are applauding our differences.....
Mr Confident is continuing to be extremely romantic! He is a kind, gentle, fun and very respectful man.
He wants me to meet his mother soon. I'm looking forward to that......
Mr Confidence knows that I have trust issues. He assures me of his patience with me. He even told me that he would tell me every day if I needed to hear it...
I feel very comfortable with him. In fact, I even told him about this blog. I told him what his name is on the blog. He smiled and told me that it belongs to me and that he did not want to read it. He also told me that he keeps a journal and writes. He is a very good writer...... the romantic emails are priceless to me.....
Yes, I'm smiling.....
No serious bells are ringing. I've got 'my trust issues paranoia' in check and yes, even my files are quiet.
I'm going by the motto to trust until I have a reason not to trust....
I trust and I have confidence that I won't necessarily ever have a reason not to trust.
Time will tell.....
But in the meantime, I'm smiling and laughing and giggling and yes, I'm in the process of letting the walls down from around my heart.
Mr Confident assures me that he is holding my heart for me and that he will always protect it. And yes, in case you are wondering, those were his words......
Signed....a very slowly but surely trusting SSW :))
Thursday, 11 July 2013
The Confidence I got from maman
I've been thinking a lot about my maman these last few days. It marked the one year anniversary of her passing.
Yes, one year ago, I lost the most important woman in my life....my mom.
It is such a strange feeling to not be able to reach out to her anytime I want to. Still to this day, one year later, I would love to sit with her and talk, hug her, tell her I love her and share a meal with her.
I obviously thought a lot about maman in the last year and I know that it is all part of the grieving. This woman was without a single doubt the strongest woman alive. The love that she had for her family made her succeed at everything she started. Despite her husband, my papa being riddled with Multiple Sclerosis, she continued to be a faithful and loving wife to him, to deal with all of the children, to always manage to make ends meet and to always make sure we all had what we needed.
Maman would work with her hands and with her heart. She cooked everything from scratch, she sewed our clothes and the house was always spotless. Not such an easy feat for a household full of children.
I remember a time, Halloween night, my brother's birthday. Maman was running late for some reason and I needed a costume for a school party in my elementary school. Lo and behold, my brother got his homemade cake and while we were finishing up our second piece of desert, mom was on her sewing machine. I won for best costume that year.....
Maman was a stand up lady. She had her values and her faith. She often said in her later years that she would not have made it through life without her faith.
She always told me to live for the day and to never settle for anything that didn't make me happy.
Pretty wise words.
The older I get, the more I understand and appreciate those words.
Yes, maman taught me lots through her actions and her words.
I think the important lesson of persistence and the attitude of never settling (despite the impatience at times) is one that is proving to be quite rewarding for me.......
I am happily establishing a good friendship with Mr Confidence. I can already see and feel where we could become best of friends. He is continuing to be oh so patient with me. The romance, the laughter, the talks.... all 'feel great' stuff!
Yes, Mr Confidence is in my life. I'm glad my maman gave me the Confidence to wait for what it is I truly wanted.....
Signed yours truly, taking it one day at a time and enjoying myself,
SSW :)
P.S. A lesson from my maman....
Yes, one year ago, I lost the most important woman in my life....my mom.
It is such a strange feeling to not be able to reach out to her anytime I want to. Still to this day, one year later, I would love to sit with her and talk, hug her, tell her I love her and share a meal with her.
I obviously thought a lot about maman in the last year and I know that it is all part of the grieving. This woman was without a single doubt the strongest woman alive. The love that she had for her family made her succeed at everything she started. Despite her husband, my papa being riddled with Multiple Sclerosis, she continued to be a faithful and loving wife to him, to deal with all of the children, to always manage to make ends meet and to always make sure we all had what we needed.
Maman would work with her hands and with her heart. She cooked everything from scratch, she sewed our clothes and the house was always spotless. Not such an easy feat for a household full of children.
I remember a time, Halloween night, my brother's birthday. Maman was running late for some reason and I needed a costume for a school party in my elementary school. Lo and behold, my brother got his homemade cake and while we were finishing up our second piece of desert, mom was on her sewing machine. I won for best costume that year.....
Maman was a stand up lady. She had her values and her faith. She often said in her later years that she would not have made it through life without her faith.
She always told me to live for the day and to never settle for anything that didn't make me happy.
Pretty wise words.
The older I get, the more I understand and appreciate those words.
Yes, maman taught me lots through her actions and her words.
I think the important lesson of persistence and the attitude of never settling (despite the impatience at times) is one that is proving to be quite rewarding for me.......
I am happily establishing a good friendship with Mr Confidence. I can already see and feel where we could become best of friends. He is continuing to be oh so patient with me. The romance, the laughter, the talks.... all 'feel great' stuff!
Yes, Mr Confidence is in my life. I'm glad my maman gave me the Confidence to wait for what it is I truly wanted.....
Signed yours truly, taking it one day at a time and enjoying myself,
SSW :)
P.S. A lesson from my maman....
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Staying Confident
I haven’t written in about one week. A lot sure has happened since then....
Where do I begin?
I think I will begin by telling you that I’m smiling….
Not only am I smiling but my bells are not ringing, my gut is quiet and things feel good... My files are all sleeping ;)
So what is happening in this SSW’s world?
No, PMrR1 has nothing to do with it. In fact, I’m about to send him THE email….. I am still very disappointed with him but such is life and indeed, it does go on.
Last time I wrote to you, I was on the eve of having another outing with Mr Confidence. I told you that he was not overly confident and that things looked good. I’ve since been out with him twice and have talked with him several times over the phone.
Now Mr Confident is ……hmmmm….confident!!
For our second date, I met Mr Confident for a walk at a park. When he saw me, he walked up to me, gave me a kiss, told me I looked beautiful and that he was happy to see me. He then proceeded to take my hand in his and we walked and talked. That was that! No hesitation on his part….. full of confidence. What a change for me!
This 53 year old handsome gentleman sure seems to know what he wants! Oh boy! And no, I’m not talking sexual. I’m talking respectful, affectionate, calm yet full of energy, funny, secure and ROMANTIC. Holy crap! (lol).
Yes, I’m backpedaling and eating my words big time. Romance does exist!!
Would you like one example? On our third outing, after our movie, we went to a local coffee place in order to access public wifi. Why you may ask? Mr Confident had brought his laptop with him. We ordered coffee, he sat beside me and together, we took turns accessing our personal dating profile. We deleted our profiles from the site….together…..in the middle of a coffee shop, sitting side by side. He brought up exclusivity. I never did.....
After we deleted the profile, he looked in my eyes, kissed me and thanked me for doing this with him.
I guess it's official, they do exist eh? For the first time since I’ve been on that dating site, a man has not only agreed to, but has also taken the first steps in getting off the site because he had found someone. Me! :)
So now, not wanting to analyze it but certainly wanting to discuss it with you, I want to assure you that yes, I’m careful and will continue to do so. It will be so much better to actually be off the site and concentrate on getting to know one person.
My guard is up, Mr Confident has picked up on the fact that I am cautious. He simply hugged me and told me that he was a very patient man......
My bff and I had a talk about Mr Confident. My wonderful bff told me wise words. She said ‘don’t anticipate, participate’. I will use it as my new motto. My other good friend also gave me astute words to live by. She says (and she is so right), trust him until he gives you reason not to trust you’.
Thank goodness for friends that keep my grounded because believe me, after 10 years of being single, being a part of a couple will be quite an adjustment. Mr Confident told me he’d be patient for that too…..
So there you have it. Does Mr Confident = Mr Right? Is he THE one? I don't know yet. But for the first time in almost one year of dating, I seem to be on the right path to find out....
He sure has a ton of qualities that I like.... :)
Yes, apparently these confident and romantic men do exist.....
I’m in shock…but I am smiling…
I will keep you posted.....
SSW :)) yes, that's a big smile!
Where do I begin?
I think I will begin by telling you that I’m smiling….
Not only am I smiling but my bells are not ringing, my gut is quiet and things feel good... My files are all sleeping ;)
So what is happening in this SSW’s world?
No, PMrR1 has nothing to do with it. In fact, I’m about to send him THE email….. I am still very disappointed with him but such is life and indeed, it does go on.
Last time I wrote to you, I was on the eve of having another outing with Mr Confidence. I told you that he was not overly confident and that things looked good. I’ve since been out with him twice and have talked with him several times over the phone.
Now Mr Confident is ……hmmmm….confident!!
For our second date, I met Mr Confident for a walk at a park. When he saw me, he walked up to me, gave me a kiss, told me I looked beautiful and that he was happy to see me. He then proceeded to take my hand in his and we walked and talked. That was that! No hesitation on his part….. full of confidence. What a change for me!
This 53 year old handsome gentleman sure seems to know what he wants! Oh boy! And no, I’m not talking sexual. I’m talking respectful, affectionate, calm yet full of energy, funny, secure and ROMANTIC. Holy crap! (lol).
Yes, I’m backpedaling and eating my words big time. Romance does exist!!
Would you like one example? On our third outing, after our movie, we went to a local coffee place in order to access public wifi. Why you may ask? Mr Confident had brought his laptop with him. We ordered coffee, he sat beside me and together, we took turns accessing our personal dating profile. We deleted our profiles from the site….together…..in the middle of a coffee shop, sitting side by side. He brought up exclusivity. I never did.....
After we deleted the profile, he looked in my eyes, kissed me and thanked me for doing this with him.
I guess it's official, they do exist eh? For the first time since I’ve been on that dating site, a man has not only agreed to, but has also taken the first steps in getting off the site because he had found someone. Me! :)
So now, not wanting to analyze it but certainly wanting to discuss it with you, I want to assure you that yes, I’m careful and will continue to do so. It will be so much better to actually be off the site and concentrate on getting to know one person.
My guard is up, Mr Confident has picked up on the fact that I am cautious. He simply hugged me and told me that he was a very patient man......
My bff and I had a talk about Mr Confident. My wonderful bff told me wise words. She said ‘don’t anticipate, participate’. I will use it as my new motto. My other good friend also gave me astute words to live by. She says (and she is so right), trust him until he gives you reason not to trust you’.
Thank goodness for friends that keep my grounded because believe me, after 10 years of being single, being a part of a couple will be quite an adjustment. Mr Confident told me he’d be patient for that too…..
So there you have it. Does Mr Confident = Mr Right? Is he THE one? I don't know yet. But for the first time in almost one year of dating, I seem to be on the right path to find out....
He sure has a ton of qualities that I like.... :)
Yes, apparently these confident and romantic men do exist.....
I’m in shock…but I am smiling…
I will keep you posted.....
SSW :)) yes, that's a big smile!
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
The bunny and duck story
Sounds like a farming entry to my blog doesn't it?
I have this little bunny rabbit running around my yard. He's a wild rabbit. He is white in the winter time and at this time of year a beautiful brown colour. Although he is not knocking on my door, he is quite comfortable in my yard thank you very much.
My precious bunny allows me to look at him from a distance. Both my son and I gently approach him at times. He lets us think that we can get close but he never really permits the closeness to occur.
I love this little guy. I spot him almost every day, summer or winter. Usually in my yard, but sometimes in my neighbour's yard. I like to think that he has accepted me into his life.
Two of my favorite characters. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck! :)
I also have a duck and a drake (male duck, I had to look it up) couple living around me. I think I probably live around them actually. Now those two are amazing. They seem to have a sense of security of relying on each other. I opened my front door not too long ago and I almost stepped on them. They looked at me as if I was disturbing their little outing.
My presence did not bother them in the least. They waddled along on their merry way, ignoring me for the most part but certainly keeping an eye on me.
Unlike the rabbit, this feathery couple allow me to get much closer to them. I don't touch them tough, not really wanting to find out how it feels to be pecked by a duck.
I find great comfort in having these little wild creatures around me. I feel that it is a good sign, that myself, along with my neighbours are a peaceful group that makes little animals feel comfortable enough to allow us to share their space with them.
Coming home tonight, I spotted my little rabbit friend again, happily munching on the grass. The sense of comfort in seeing him was....well....comforting. I remember a time when these comforts were enough for me. When I could just do my thing in my comfort zone and not be bothered by anything else and more importantly find complete satisfaction in the little things such as the presence of nature around me.
What has changed? Yes, I was happy to spot bunny and to know that my ducks are around but....I always go back to feeling an uneasiness at the bottom of my gut. Is it all the fiber I'm eating (I know you were are all thinking it....)? No, the feeling doesn't have a physiological origin, it's something else.
Sometimes I feel that dating is like the relationship I have with the rabbit. I can spot it at a distance. Some closeness can occur but just when I think that I can touch it, the rabbit runs away or even yet, I hold back for fear of getting hurt or scaring it away for good.
I then spot the duck and the drake, the happy couple. Relying on each other, feeling secure, looking out for each other. They seem to be less fearful of what is 'out there'. They have confidence in each other.
Perhaps the rabbit and I need to learn that it's truly ok to let someone approach you. To trust your instinct and to build the relationship. Granted the rabbit could lose his life and get eaten alive if he trusts the wrong predator..... I wouldn't necessarily lose my life, but I could lose my heart, I could lose the little trust that I do have left in allowing someone in. I could lose independence (although I doubt that will happen) but let's face it, I could lose important things....
However, I could gain a reliable partner like the ducks have in each other. I could perhaps develop a secure partnership with someone. Not that I feel insecure but......well you know what I mean.....to be able to rely on someone and say 'can you take care of that this time around?' Oh I can 'handle' everything thrown my way, I truly can. But sometimes, it would be nice to let someone else worry about the little things.....Know what I mean? Just to have someone there with you and for you.......
Thing is I'm not so sure I can take that chance and allow the reliance to happen. But if I don't take that chance, I end up with that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. What an odd conundrum to be stuck in. Never thought I'd compare myself to a rabbit and to ducks but then again, I never thought I'd be going through these things with some of these dates.....
I know, it's a strange analogy. The rabbit, the ducks, men, me...... all a bunch of wild animals really (haha).
I'm giving PMrR1 one more week to respond then I will send him the email. In not sending it right now, I'm only being respectful and an adult about 'things' in giving us the opportunity to talk face to face. I strongly suspect that PMrR1 is acting like a rabbit though..... I doubt that he will allow me to approach him.
I went back to my dating site over the weekend and I've already had a first date. Very distinguished and kind 53 year old handsome man. There is nothing like being in a presence of a confident and respectful man..... I plan on seeing Mr Confident again. Tentative plans have been set..... Note that he is not overly confident.... I've noticed and will continue to note....
Mr Earring has made a reappearance. He is being very careful in asking a few polite questions about PMrR1. Mr Earring makes me laugh. I still don't think that we have that much in common but we do not seem to run out of things to email each other about.....
With jumping back into it, I started thinking that perhaps I've been making a mistake in assuming that we are all ducks. I think most of us, me included are rabbits hiding inside a duck costume. We need to develop a duck mentality with partnership in mind and stop acting like a rabbit. The rabbit can have the job of being a rabbit......
Signed yours truly, trying to act like a duck?? lolol
SSW :)
I have this little bunny rabbit running around my yard. He's a wild rabbit. He is white in the winter time and at this time of year a beautiful brown colour. Although he is not knocking on my door, he is quite comfortable in my yard thank you very much.
My precious bunny allows me to look at him from a distance. Both my son and I gently approach him at times. He lets us think that we can get close but he never really permits the closeness to occur.
I love this little guy. I spot him almost every day, summer or winter. Usually in my yard, but sometimes in my neighbour's yard. I like to think that he has accepted me into his life.
I also have a duck and a drake (male duck, I had to look it up) couple living around me. I think I probably live around them actually. Now those two are amazing. They seem to have a sense of security of relying on each other. I opened my front door not too long ago and I almost stepped on them. They looked at me as if I was disturbing their little outing.
My presence did not bother them in the least. They waddled along on their merry way, ignoring me for the most part but certainly keeping an eye on me.
Unlike the rabbit, this feathery couple allow me to get much closer to them. I don't touch them tough, not really wanting to find out how it feels to be pecked by a duck.
I find great comfort in having these little wild creatures around me. I feel that it is a good sign, that myself, along with my neighbours are a peaceful group that makes little animals feel comfortable enough to allow us to share their space with them.
Coming home tonight, I spotted my little rabbit friend again, happily munching on the grass. The sense of comfort in seeing him was....well....comforting. I remember a time when these comforts were enough for me. When I could just do my thing in my comfort zone and not be bothered by anything else and more importantly find complete satisfaction in the little things such as the presence of nature around me.
What has changed? Yes, I was happy to spot bunny and to know that my ducks are around but....I always go back to feeling an uneasiness at the bottom of my gut. Is it all the fiber I'm eating (I know you were are all thinking it....)? No, the feeling doesn't have a physiological origin, it's something else.
Sometimes I feel that dating is like the relationship I have with the rabbit. I can spot it at a distance. Some closeness can occur but just when I think that I can touch it, the rabbit runs away or even yet, I hold back for fear of getting hurt or scaring it away for good.
I then spot the duck and the drake, the happy couple. Relying on each other, feeling secure, looking out for each other. They seem to be less fearful of what is 'out there'. They have confidence in each other.
Perhaps the rabbit and I need to learn that it's truly ok to let someone approach you. To trust your instinct and to build the relationship. Granted the rabbit could lose his life and get eaten alive if he trusts the wrong predator..... I wouldn't necessarily lose my life, but I could lose my heart, I could lose the little trust that I do have left in allowing someone in. I could lose independence (although I doubt that will happen) but let's face it, I could lose important things....
However, I could gain a reliable partner like the ducks have in each other. I could perhaps develop a secure partnership with someone. Not that I feel insecure but......well you know what I mean.....to be able to rely on someone and say 'can you take care of that this time around?' Oh I can 'handle' everything thrown my way, I truly can. But sometimes, it would be nice to let someone else worry about the little things.....Know what I mean? Just to have someone there with you and for you.......
Thing is I'm not so sure I can take that chance and allow the reliance to happen. But if I don't take that chance, I end up with that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. What an odd conundrum to be stuck in. Never thought I'd compare myself to a rabbit and to ducks but then again, I never thought I'd be going through these things with some of these dates.....
I know, it's a strange analogy. The rabbit, the ducks, men, me...... all a bunch of wild animals really (haha).
I'm giving PMrR1 one more week to respond then I will send him the email. In not sending it right now, I'm only being respectful and an adult about 'things' in giving us the opportunity to talk face to face. I strongly suspect that PMrR1 is acting like a rabbit though..... I doubt that he will allow me to approach him.
I went back to my dating site over the weekend and I've already had a first date. Very distinguished and kind 53 year old handsome man. There is nothing like being in a presence of a confident and respectful man..... I plan on seeing Mr Confident again. Tentative plans have been set..... Note that he is not overly confident.... I've noticed and will continue to note....
Mr Earring has made a reappearance. He is being very careful in asking a few polite questions about PMrR1. Mr Earring makes me laugh. I still don't think that we have that much in common but we do not seem to run out of things to email each other about.....
With jumping back into it, I started thinking that perhaps I've been making a mistake in assuming that we are all ducks. I think most of us, me included are rabbits hiding inside a duck costume. We need to develop a duck mentality with partnership in mind and stop acting like a rabbit. The rabbit can have the job of being a rabbit......
SSW :)
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Hot Ball
To be the holder of that ball was way too much for me. I did not like having the responsability of holding it and of making the decision of what to do with it. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was in the presence of a hot ball!
I bounced it around amongst my files. My Trust file looked at me like I had lost my mind so she threw it to the Experience File, who in turn actually laughed out loud (I heard it) and tossed it to the Mitigation file. The M file was left holding it. She was not sure what to do with it, so in her wisdom, she decided to throw it back to PMrR1.
Earlier in the blog, I wrote the entry 'The ET files' that describes my whole filing system that is happening up there (yes, in my brain). It's a bit of a mess at times......
So after all this process, I threw the ball back in PMrR1's court. I texted him that I would like to share something with him and suggested a time. I then asked him to suggest a time if mine wasn't good for him. He did reply that he would contact me with another day when he knew....
Ok, I will be honest with you. I wasn't going to write it but I will edit and tell you the truth. I purposely offered a time to see him when I pretty well knew that he would be busy. It is a long weekend in my province and many, it not most, have plans for the extra long weekend. I knew he would be busy and I knew that I would not have to face up to him. I basically wanted him to be left holding that hot ball!
So now, I feel better. The ball is in his court. I don't have to be the one to make the next move. If he wants to see me, he will have to say something now. Frankly, as time goes by, I would rather not have to deal with it. Let's just close the chapter and move on. However, I will read him the email that I have written IF I hear from him again. I don't have that pressure of contacting him anymore.....
Next week sometime, I will get back on the dating site and I will jump in again.....
Am I still disappointed with PMrR1? Yes, of course. But I am not responsible for his thought process.......
Life goes on....
I'm hoping that with the renovations completely finished (as of today), my holidays starting (with a wonderful celebration of a beautiful family member's wedding - very excited for her) and with some rest and relaxation on the agenda, that things should settle for me at all levels.
I need to push disappointments out of my heart and out of my mind..... I don't want to become cynical (I've been fighting this all along) and I don't want to become cold..... I will blog about this at a later date....
So there you have it. A short update.....
Signed a not so hot anymore SSW :/
I bounced it around amongst my files. My Trust file looked at me like I had lost my mind so she threw it to the Experience File, who in turn actually laughed out loud (I heard it) and tossed it to the Mitigation file. The M file was left holding it. She was not sure what to do with it, so in her wisdom, she decided to throw it back to PMrR1.
Earlier in the blog, I wrote the entry 'The ET files' that describes my whole filing system that is happening up there (yes, in my brain). It's a bit of a mess at times......
So after all this process, I threw the ball back in PMrR1's court. I texted him that I would like to share something with him and suggested a time. I then asked him to suggest a time if mine wasn't good for him. He did reply that he would contact me with another day when he knew....
Ok, I will be honest with you. I wasn't going to write it but I will edit and tell you the truth. I purposely offered a time to see him when I pretty well knew that he would be busy. It is a long weekend in my province and many, it not most, have plans for the extra long weekend. I knew he would be busy and I knew that I would not have to face up to him. I basically wanted him to be left holding that hot ball!
So now, I feel better. The ball is in his court. I don't have to be the one to make the next move. If he wants to see me, he will have to say something now. Frankly, as time goes by, I would rather not have to deal with it. Let's just close the chapter and move on. However, I will read him the email that I have written IF I hear from him again. I don't have that pressure of contacting him anymore.....
Next week sometime, I will get back on the dating site and I will jump in again.....
Am I still disappointed with PMrR1? Yes, of course. But I am not responsible for his thought process.......
Life goes on....
I'm hoping that with the renovations completely finished (as of today), my holidays starting (with a wonderful celebration of a beautiful family member's wedding - very excited for her) and with some rest and relaxation on the agenda, that things should settle for me at all levels.
I need to push disappointments out of my heart and out of my mind..... I don't want to become cynical (I've been fighting this all along) and I don't want to become cold..... I will blog about this at a later date....
So there you have it. A short update.....
Signed a not so hot anymore SSW :/
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Counting my blessings.....
We are all human. We sometimes forget to look for that silver lining in our lives. I usually always make the effort......but lo and behold, I've determined that I'm not super woman and that yes, sometimes I forget to look for the positive things around me....for that silver lining....it may be tarnished at times, but it is usually there.
I have a beautiful home! I have a car and everything that I need. The renovations that I had done within the house look fantastic. I have a newly painted bedroom that I am decorating to my liking (looks amazing actually).
I'm surrounded by concerned and loving family and friends. That in itself is an incredible blessing.
And my list continues. My neighbours are caring and look out for me (the single lady) and I am happy to say that I live in a friendly community! I feel safe here!
I am the mom to a fantastic teen. What more can I ask for out of a teen? He is on task at school, does very well in fact, got himself part time work, is responsible, organized, respectful and caring. He is not perfect (you should see the state of his room) and of course, he does need guidance in many things.....but that's what us parents are for right?
No, there is no doubt, I am blessed, I truly am..... I have my health, I'm in excellent shape (if I do say so myself - lol). I'm lucky enough to have a good education and am well-employed but more importantly, I love my work!
I have holidays and even though I sometimes worry about what will keep me busy during said holidays, I have to remind myself that at least I'm lucky enough to have the time off. I really need to just suck it up don't I?
Yes, I'm blessed, I'm lucky, I have worked hard and still work hard for what I have and for how I feel. That being said though, there is something missing.
Now mark my words, I'm not complaining. But truly, this is my blog and well....I'll complain if I want to (lol). Seriously though, I'm not lamenting, I do see what it is I have, but there is an important part missing.....
You all know what it is, I don't have to go into the details of how nice it would be to share this happy life of mine with someone......
I am forcing myself to polish off the silver linings and to look at them more closely. I'm forcing myself to have thought control. It's working....I feel better.
My decision to face up to PMrR1 is starting to create a bit of anxiety within me though. It is something that I will TRY to do at the beginning of next month. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I probably should do it!? Who knows though, he may not want to see me!? That would make things somewhat easier but not necessarily good for closure.....
Then again, I still have one week. Perhaps I will decide not to see him again and just send one final email. I'm still wavering. I haven't decided... As stated before, he left the ball in my court so it is up to me to do what I wish with this. I'll see what this week brings.....
My decision to get back to dating is leaving me without concern for now. I'll see how that goes when I jump back in. There is a tiny bit of hope left in me obviously..... I hope it doesn't get stomped out too quickly....
So there you have it. I truly believe that every living being has something for which he/she should be thankful. Sometimes we have to reach pretty deep and look pretty far to find it but at other times, we are looking way too hard...... our silver lining is right under our nose.....
I know that I sometimes need reminders.....
Signed yours truly, thankful for all the blessings in her life.......
SSW :)
I have a beautiful home! I have a car and everything that I need. The renovations that I had done within the house look fantastic. I have a newly painted bedroom that I am decorating to my liking (looks amazing actually).
I'm surrounded by concerned and loving family and friends. That in itself is an incredible blessing.
And my list continues. My neighbours are caring and look out for me (the single lady) and I am happy to say that I live in a friendly community! I feel safe here!
I am the mom to a fantastic teen. What more can I ask for out of a teen? He is on task at school, does very well in fact, got himself part time work, is responsible, organized, respectful and caring. He is not perfect (you should see the state of his room) and of course, he does need guidance in many things.....but that's what us parents are for right?
No, there is no doubt, I am blessed, I truly am..... I have my health, I'm in excellent shape (if I do say so myself - lol). I'm lucky enough to have a good education and am well-employed but more importantly, I love my work!
I have holidays and even though I sometimes worry about what will keep me busy during said holidays, I have to remind myself that at least I'm lucky enough to have the time off. I really need to just suck it up don't I?
Yes, I'm blessed, I'm lucky, I have worked hard and still work hard for what I have and for how I feel. That being said though, there is something missing.
Now mark my words, I'm not complaining. But truly, this is my blog and well....I'll complain if I want to (lol). Seriously though, I'm not lamenting, I do see what it is I have, but there is an important part missing.....
You all know what it is, I don't have to go into the details of how nice it would be to share this happy life of mine with someone......
I am forcing myself to polish off the silver linings and to look at them more closely. I'm forcing myself to have thought control. It's working....I feel better.
My decision to face up to PMrR1 is starting to create a bit of anxiety within me though. It is something that I will TRY to do at the beginning of next month. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I probably should do it!? Who knows though, he may not want to see me!? That would make things somewhat easier but not necessarily good for closure.....
Then again, I still have one week. Perhaps I will decide not to see him again and just send one final email. I'm still wavering. I haven't decided... As stated before, he left the ball in my court so it is up to me to do what I wish with this. I'll see what this week brings.....
My decision to get back to dating is leaving me without concern for now. I'll see how that goes when I jump back in. There is a tiny bit of hope left in me obviously..... I hope it doesn't get stomped out too quickly....
I know that I sometimes need reminders.....
Signed yours truly, thankful for all the blessings in her life.......
SSW :)
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Decisions decisions.....
Instead of writing another bad poem about not knowing what to blog about (lol), I thought I'd give you a bit of an update.
There is nothing much to say though. I'm still feeling a bit 'blah' but am pretty busy these days. Renovations are coming to an end and I will be on holidays soon. I'm still concerned about all the free time coming my way.
It has not all been wasted time for I have made some decisions.
I will get back on the dating site in a few weeks. That is a definite. If I close off my heart to dating, I will never be able to open it again...that will be it. I've decided I have too much to give for that and that life is too short. I'm not sure how long I'll 'survive' the dating site this time around, but I will give it a shot.
As for PMrR1, a few decisions on my part has also been made. I have not sent it yet, but I have written a final email. I was not going to see him again but my good friend has convinced me that even if I read the email to him, that it needs to be done to his face.
I am thinking about it and am seriously considering it. He may not like my perception of the truth where he is concerned but that is his problem and not mine. If he doesn't like it, he can attempt to correct it.
Either way, as time goes by, I'm moving on and I feel like I'm being courteous in extending one final email or message to him. Whether I tell him to his face or through email, I really don't have to do it at all, but I will.... I'm a giver and a peace maker. It's a bit of a pain in the ass at times to be this type of person.
So there you have it. Not much of an entry. I'm not feeling too witty or too energetic frankly. I'm still seriously fighting off emotional eating and am trying to balance it with exercise. Although, it will catch up with me so I have to curb this! It is a definite necessity. Again, I'm not overly concerned, the weight battle is one that I refuse to lose. I will regain control of things in that department.
Now if only I could be this confident in my ability to gain control in my dating world......I know, I know, before someone says it..... I need to not try to control it.....yeah yeah yeah..... I got it!
I have to say that despite it all, that it has been a productive few days. I am making a few decisions.
It is decidedly good to make a few decisions.....
Signed yours truly, not yet smiling but feeling better about decisions being made....
SSW :/
There is nothing much to say though. I'm still feeling a bit 'blah' but am pretty busy these days. Renovations are coming to an end and I will be on holidays soon. I'm still concerned about all the free time coming my way.
It has not all been wasted time for I have made some decisions.
I will get back on the dating site in a few weeks. That is a definite. If I close off my heart to dating, I will never be able to open it again...that will be it. I've decided I have too much to give for that and that life is too short. I'm not sure how long I'll 'survive' the dating site this time around, but I will give it a shot.
As for PMrR1, a few decisions on my part has also been made. I have not sent it yet, but I have written a final email. I was not going to see him again but my good friend has convinced me that even if I read the email to him, that it needs to be done to his face.
I am thinking about it and am seriously considering it. He may not like my perception of the truth where he is concerned but that is his problem and not mine. If he doesn't like it, he can attempt to correct it.
Either way, as time goes by, I'm moving on and I feel like I'm being courteous in extending one final email or message to him. Whether I tell him to his face or through email, I really don't have to do it at all, but I will.... I'm a giver and a peace maker. It's a bit of a pain in the ass at times to be this type of person.
So there you have it. Not much of an entry. I'm not feeling too witty or too energetic frankly. I'm still seriously fighting off emotional eating and am trying to balance it with exercise. Although, it will catch up with me so I have to curb this! It is a definite necessity. Again, I'm not overly concerned, the weight battle is one that I refuse to lose. I will regain control of things in that department.
Now if only I could be this confident in my ability to gain control in my dating world......I know, I know, before someone says it..... I need to not try to control it.....yeah yeah yeah..... I got it!
I have to say that despite it all, that it has been a productive few days. I am making a few decisions.
It is decidedly good to make a few decisions.....
Signed yours truly, not yet smiling but feeling better about decisions being made....
SSW :/
Friday, 14 June 2013
Big case of the BLAHS
Yes, I admit it, I'm feeling blah. Just say the word and you'll know how I'm feeling. On top of that I'm teary-eyed, exhausted, feeling overwhelmed and have just plain had it!
I'm approaching holidays and I need it. I'm also almost done the renovations at home and am trying to clean everything at once. I see it like a gigantic insurmountable task.
I'm trying hard not to think of men and in particular PMrR1. I still have not 100% made up my mind as to what to do with this particular situation.... As time goes by, though, I want to bury my head in the sand and not come up. Not come up for any man....including PMrR1.....
Several times this week I caught myself thinking and even saying 'why did I start this dating thing again'? Then I was reminded of my son not wanting to go out with his friends because he thought that I would be alone.... I was also reminded of how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone.....
I am slipping back into that zone. I do have to admit that it's not really a comfortable place at the moment. I'm not doing so well in terms of coping with all of this - (forgive the expression) - crap.
I'm surprising myself because I can usually cope with pretty well everything but I'm struggling here....I really am.
I'm teary-eyed, discouraged, lonely and terrified of my upcoming holidays. What the hell am I going to do? Yes there are the obvious things that I can do during my holidays and don't get my wrong, my support system is great. However my support system consists of wonderful but married people. I'm not big on third wheeling.
Talk about a mid life crisis here!
I caught myself emotionally eating a few times. I caught it, admitted it and curbed it. I'm not too concerned about it because whatever I do in the food department I pound the heck out of it at the gym.
I think I have to go back to my pre-dating mind set. The one that says that if I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be alone. Eliminate the thought of anything else. It is much better to be alone and to act accordingly by just doing my own thing.
Yes, I admit it, I'm super disappointed. No, I'm not going to wait for anyone. I can't do that to myself. Life goes on....
So, I will watch my food intake, force myself to maintain a healthy and regular routine at the gym, read a book, build a puzzle, work in my garden, sleep, spend time with my married friends and spend as much time as I can with my growing teenager.
My biggest struggle will be what is in my head.....
I know that I can and I know that I will but it's the getting there that is hard....
SSW :(
I'm approaching holidays and I need it. I'm also almost done the renovations at home and am trying to clean everything at once. I see it like a gigantic insurmountable task.
I'm trying hard not to think of men and in particular PMrR1. I still have not 100% made up my mind as to what to do with this particular situation.... As time goes by, though, I want to bury my head in the sand and not come up. Not come up for any man....including PMrR1.....
Several times this week I caught myself thinking and even saying 'why did I start this dating thing again'? Then I was reminded of my son not wanting to go out with his friends because he thought that I would be alone.... I was also reminded of how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone.....
I am slipping back into that zone. I do have to admit that it's not really a comfortable place at the moment. I'm not doing so well in terms of coping with all of this - (forgive the expression) - crap.
I'm surprising myself because I can usually cope with pretty well everything but I'm struggling here....I really am.
I'm teary-eyed, discouraged, lonely and terrified of my upcoming holidays. What the hell am I going to do? Yes there are the obvious things that I can do during my holidays and don't get my wrong, my support system is great. However my support system consists of wonderful but married people. I'm not big on third wheeling.
Talk about a mid life crisis here!
I caught myself emotionally eating a few times. I caught it, admitted it and curbed it. I'm not too concerned about it because whatever I do in the food department I pound the heck out of it at the gym.
I think I have to go back to my pre-dating mind set. The one that says that if I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be alone. Eliminate the thought of anything else. It is much better to be alone and to act accordingly by just doing my own thing.
Yes, I admit it, I'm super disappointed. No, I'm not going to wait for anyone. I can't do that to myself. Life goes on....
So, I will watch my food intake, force myself to maintain a healthy and regular routine at the gym, read a book, build a puzzle, work in my garden, sleep, spend time with my married friends and spend as much time as I can with my growing teenager.
My biggest struggle will be what is in my head.....
I know that I can and I know that I will but it's the getting there that is hard....
SSW :(
Monday, 10 June 2013
Saturday, 8 June 2013
Yo-yoing
No, I did not just invent a new word (although, it's my blog and I'll invent one if I want to....lol).
Yo-yoing, from the online dictionary means 'to undergo frequent abrupt shifts or reversals, as of opinion or emotion; vacillate.'
So you must all be wondering what it is I'm yo-yoing about?
Take a wild guess!!!
*sigh*
Yes, of course that's what I'm yo-yoing about! How I feel about M E N!!! (HA).
Yesterday at work, some firefighters were around for a community activity. The other ladies at work came over to tell me about it. They all know that I, of all people, sure appreciate a handsome man in a firefighter uniform!
I just lightly smiled at them and didn't bother to go out. Frankly, I couldn't care less what the firefighters looked like...... Yes, I actually just wrote that.
To tell you the truth, me not caring about having fun with the female coworkers while being in the firefighter's presence, has me worried a little bit.
After discussing the PMrR1 situation with a friend the other day, she said to me 'you will find someone even better SSW'. To which I automatically replied (I didn't even think of my reply)... 'well he's going to have to find me in my backyard because I won't be anywhere to be found'.
Yet, sometimes, I want to contact PMrR1 and yell at him, or talk to him or even hug him. Most times I just want forget him and men in general though.
Yes, I'm generally feeling better about things, but there is still some level of frustration on my part.
No, I will not contact PMrR1 and yell at him (lol) or talk to him or hug him....I am in control of myself.
In fact, I'm even managing to keep calm about the whole thing.
The shift in my dating attitude is throwing me off a little bit though. I've never had this reaction before. Perhaps I am through forever with men and dating?!
Even as I'm writing this to you I'm yo-yoing like crazy. Thankfully, I am busy with the renovations and work and such.
I'm a bit worried as to what I will be doing when the renovations are done and when I get to my holidays. I'm concerned about NOT being so calm about the whole thing.
Perhaps the next couple of weeks will continue to throw me into a state of complacency so great that I will blissfully coast through life without having to worry about the opposite sex ever again.
Wouldn't that be great!?
Miraculous even......
It would sure make my decision about continuing to date or not much easier wouldn't it?
I will sign off now and continue to live in my yo-yoing world! A world where you're not sure if you're emotionally up or down or calm or agitated but always look calm and in control from the outside. It's an exhausting yo-yoing world!!!!
Yours truly in my yo-yoing state,
SSW :(
Yo-yoing, from the online dictionary means 'to undergo frequent abrupt shifts or reversals, as of opinion or emotion; vacillate.'
So you must all be wondering what it is I'm yo-yoing about?
Take a wild guess!!!
*sigh*
Yes, of course that's what I'm yo-yoing about! How I feel about M E N!!! (HA).
Yesterday at work, some firefighters were around for a community activity. The other ladies at work came over to tell me about it. They all know that I, of all people, sure appreciate a handsome man in a firefighter uniform!
I just lightly smiled at them and didn't bother to go out. Frankly, I couldn't care less what the firefighters looked like...... Yes, I actually just wrote that.
To tell you the truth, me not caring about having fun with the female coworkers while being in the firefighter's presence, has me worried a little bit.
After discussing the PMrR1 situation with a friend the other day, she said to me 'you will find someone even better SSW'. To which I automatically replied (I didn't even think of my reply)... 'well he's going to have to find me in my backyard because I won't be anywhere to be found'.
Yet, sometimes, I want to contact PMrR1 and yell at him, or talk to him or even hug him. Most times I just want forget him and men in general though.
Yes, I'm generally feeling better about things, but there is still some level of frustration on my part.
No, I will not contact PMrR1 and yell at him (lol) or talk to him or hug him....I am in control of myself.
In fact, I'm even managing to keep calm about the whole thing.
The shift in my dating attitude is throwing me off a little bit though. I've never had this reaction before. Perhaps I am through forever with men and dating?!
Even as I'm writing this to you I'm yo-yoing like crazy. Thankfully, I am busy with the renovations and work and such.
I'm a bit worried as to what I will be doing when the renovations are done and when I get to my holidays. I'm concerned about NOT being so calm about the whole thing.
Perhaps the next couple of weeks will continue to throw me into a state of complacency so great that I will blissfully coast through life without having to worry about the opposite sex ever again.
Wouldn't that be great!?
Miraculous even......
It would sure make my decision about continuing to date or not much easier wouldn't it?
I will sign off now and continue to live in my yo-yoing world! A world where you're not sure if you're emotionally up or down or calm or agitated but always look calm and in control from the outside. It's an exhausting yo-yoing world!!!!
Yours truly in my yo-yoing state,
SSW :(
Monday, 3 June 2013
A poem for you
I don't know what to write about
I'm really in a rut
I'm not dating or going out
Just feeling bad in my gut
Trying to decide what to do
Be social and smile through it all?
Or will knitting slippers have to do?
Either way, feels I like I dropped the ball
Am discouraged and tired, but alas
Not sure what else to think
Got a hold of my wine glass
Will now pour myself a drink
Energy is low, cause I am sad
Things will look up one day
Will be good and not so bad
I'm not sure what else to say
I need a topic to write about
Something you'd like to hear
Give me ideas or a shout out
About love, life or fears
I don't know what to write about
I'm really in a rut
I'm not dating or going out
Just feeling bad in my gut
Apparently I'm a poet and don't know it.....
SSW :)
Sunday, 2 June 2013
Do I give it time or not?
I wanted to write a bit of an update.
PMrR1 and I have been exchanging emails. We are communicating. We have differences in perceptions it seems but at the very least we have openly communicated about them.
We have agreed to not communicate for the next month or so and give it time. Then perhaps spend some time together as friends.
Did you notice I wrote 'friends'. I'm perceiving fear in PMrR1 but I may be wrong. For now, if I want him in my life, I will have to not only give it time (lots of time) but not cross the 'friend' line for the time being.
Thing is, we have not crossed that 'friend' line in my eyes but he seems to think that we are. He is not clear as to why he feels that and frankly, nor am I.
We both agree that we have an extraordinary connection. He wants to maintain a 'friendship' in the future. I'm not so sure I'll be able to leave it at 'friends' only so what will be the point? Honestly, I don't think that he will be able to leave it at 'friends' only either. I truly don't.....this is why I think he is scared.
I have been single for much longer than PMrR1, perhaps that is playing on both our minds. He still has a few things that need to be settled on a personal level.
For now, I obviously don't have a choice but to let this be and to take it as it comes. As of today, June 2nd, I don't know if I will want to see him again at the end of the month. I really don't. In fact, he says he does right now, but I'm not so sure he will want to see me at the end of the month either.
I also have to decide if I will get back to dating others. I don't want to. I truly deep down don't want to. I'm tired and don't feel like I have the energy to do so. Part of me feels like I should though. That it will be emotionally safer for me to go out with others.
You all know that I don't want just a friendship, but I don't know if it will ever escalate to more with PMrR1. I don't know if I should wait around to see or just throw it away and start fresh in awhile.
I know that the connection that we have is the basis for a great relationship but if a relationship is not wanted or perceived by the other person, what is the point? Will he ever allow himself to push through that fear? Do I wait and see? Will I be wasting my time if I do that?
At this moment, as I'm writing this, I think I will give it the month of June and see. Thing is, in a few minutes, I may be thinking that it's better to get back online and to find someone else to date so that I detach from this PMrR1 thing.
I don't know what to do.....
Signed, a sitting in limbo SSW :(
This depicts the reason we won't be able to have a friendship only relationship....even if we try.
PMrR1 and I have been exchanging emails. We are communicating. We have differences in perceptions it seems but at the very least we have openly communicated about them.
We have agreed to not communicate for the next month or so and give it time. Then perhaps spend some time together as friends.
Did you notice I wrote 'friends'. I'm perceiving fear in PMrR1 but I may be wrong. For now, if I want him in my life, I will have to not only give it time (lots of time) but not cross the 'friend' line for the time being.
Thing is, we have not crossed that 'friend' line in my eyes but he seems to think that we are. He is not clear as to why he feels that and frankly, nor am I.
We both agree that we have an extraordinary connection. He wants to maintain a 'friendship' in the future. I'm not so sure I'll be able to leave it at 'friends' only so what will be the point? Honestly, I don't think that he will be able to leave it at 'friends' only either. I truly don't.....this is why I think he is scared.
I have been single for much longer than PMrR1, perhaps that is playing on both our minds. He still has a few things that need to be settled on a personal level.
For now, I obviously don't have a choice but to let this be and to take it as it comes. As of today, June 2nd, I don't know if I will want to see him again at the end of the month. I really don't. In fact, he says he does right now, but I'm not so sure he will want to see me at the end of the month either.
I also have to decide if I will get back to dating others. I don't want to. I truly deep down don't want to. I'm tired and don't feel like I have the energy to do so. Part of me feels like I should though. That it will be emotionally safer for me to go out with others.
You all know that I don't want just a friendship, but I don't know if it will ever escalate to more with PMrR1. I don't know if I should wait around to see or just throw it away and start fresh in awhile.
I know that the connection that we have is the basis for a great relationship but if a relationship is not wanted or perceived by the other person, what is the point? Will he ever allow himself to push through that fear? Do I wait and see? Will I be wasting my time if I do that?
At this moment, as I'm writing this, I think I will give it the month of June and see. Thing is, in a few minutes, I may be thinking that it's better to get back online and to find someone else to date so that I detach from this PMrR1 thing.
I don't know what to do.....
Signed, a sitting in limbo SSW :(
Saturday, 1 June 2013
The Triple F
I have to say that I am so sick and tired of questioning everything I think and everything I do.
As you recall, I decided to go against my first instinct of walking away from PMrR1 because he did not want a relationship for now. I decided to really give it a try, to go against what I would usually do in this case and to honestly, give him space, time and to just have fun.
So I go along, I'm having fun and we are establishing a great friendship. But what happens out of the blue? PMrR1 can't handle it. Basically, he is running the other way. 'We' are finished. I strongly suspect he is scared but what can I do about it? Nothing. Please do not tell me to give him time and space and that he will come around.... I can't live my life like that. I may sound harsh right now but I'm truly pissed at myself for not going with my first instinct of walking away three months ago.
So what is the Triple F?
The first F = fiasco. Please let me b*tch and complain here. Every freaken thing I try with men ends up in a fiasco. I'm seriously considering therapy? What the hell am I doing wrong?
The second F = failure. Yes, I'm sick and tired of failing at this. Apparently, according to many of them, I'm the 'best and most beautiful woman around' and the problem always lies with them and not with me. No one can understand why I'm still single? You can't imagine how long those lines are starting to get.
The third F ? You figure it out! :(
Do you want to see an Experience file explode. Do you want to see a Trust file freak out? Do you want to see a Mitigation file cry? (Refer to my entry 'The ET files' for clarification).
Yes, I will file this experience in the E file. Ask me if I will go against my instinct again? Ask me if I will trust even when I think I should trust?
I have now experienced what it is to trust because I think I should trust, because I have no warning bells and no negative gut instinct. THAT, will not happen again. Or if it does, it will take a hell of a long time to trust myself again with this.
The point might be moot. I've been off the dating site for a few weeks. I cannot go through this emotional roller coaster with men on a regular basis. I can't. No one can I imagine....or maybe it's just me? Who knows.
I always always always try to look for a silver lining. I truly always do in all aspects of my life. I've been trying to find one concerning PMrR1 and I can't..... My mom used to say sometimes it might take years for you to see the reason behind something. To that I say I don't think I have the energy to wait that long.
I know from experience (thankfully that E file does hold some positive) that time heals everything. But I also know that this type of experience will affect the little amount of trust I did have when it came to men. This is not good....
I'm sad and pissed at myself and at PMrR1. I'm the only one to blame though. I should NEVER have gone against my first instinct.
I know I will have to reason with myself. My M file has her work cut out for her. She will need to mitigate this or I will remain alone forever.....and frankly, at this point, it truly seems like the best option for me.
Signed yours truly stunned and blindsided by this,
SSW :(
Boy did I learn a lesson here..... I will never lose or ignore my own voice again.....
As you recall, I decided to go against my first instinct of walking away from PMrR1 because he did not want a relationship for now. I decided to really give it a try, to go against what I would usually do in this case and to honestly, give him space, time and to just have fun.
So I go along, I'm having fun and we are establishing a great friendship. But what happens out of the blue? PMrR1 can't handle it. Basically, he is running the other way. 'We' are finished. I strongly suspect he is scared but what can I do about it? Nothing. Please do not tell me to give him time and space and that he will come around.... I can't live my life like that. I may sound harsh right now but I'm truly pissed at myself for not going with my first instinct of walking away three months ago.
So what is the Triple F?
The first F = fiasco. Please let me b*tch and complain here. Every freaken thing I try with men ends up in a fiasco. I'm seriously considering therapy? What the hell am I doing wrong?
The second F = failure. Yes, I'm sick and tired of failing at this. Apparently, according to many of them, I'm the 'best and most beautiful woman around' and the problem always lies with them and not with me. No one can understand why I'm still single? You can't imagine how long those lines are starting to get.
The third F ? You figure it out! :(
Do you want to see an Experience file explode. Do you want to see a Trust file freak out? Do you want to see a Mitigation file cry? (Refer to my entry 'The ET files' for clarification).
Yes, I will file this experience in the E file. Ask me if I will go against my instinct again? Ask me if I will trust even when I think I should trust?
I have now experienced what it is to trust because I think I should trust, because I have no warning bells and no negative gut instinct. THAT, will not happen again. Or if it does, it will take a hell of a long time to trust myself again with this.
The point might be moot. I've been off the dating site for a few weeks. I cannot go through this emotional roller coaster with men on a regular basis. I can't. No one can I imagine....or maybe it's just me? Who knows.
I always always always try to look for a silver lining. I truly always do in all aspects of my life. I've been trying to find one concerning PMrR1 and I can't..... My mom used to say sometimes it might take years for you to see the reason behind something. To that I say I don't think I have the energy to wait that long.
I know from experience (thankfully that E file does hold some positive) that time heals everything. But I also know that this type of experience will affect the little amount of trust I did have when it came to men. This is not good....
I'm sad and pissed at myself and at PMrR1. I'm the only one to blame though. I should NEVER have gone against my first instinct.
I know I will have to reason with myself. My M file has her work cut out for her. She will need to mitigate this or I will remain alone forever.....and frankly, at this point, it truly seems like the best option for me.
Signed yours truly stunned and blindsided by this,
SSW :(
Monday, 27 May 2013
Lessons for my son?
For a variety of reasons, it is not obvious to date at our age, especially when you have children. Maybe I should rephrase that and say that it is not easy to date at our age especially when we have children and IF we are a responsible parent.
Now please note that I'm not passing judgement on anyone. I am talking about my thoughts and perceptions.
In the 10 years that I've been single, my son has never officially met anyone that I've dated. Why? Because he was told by me that if ever I 'officially' present him someone, it will be because I'm in a relationship with this said person.
Of course my son knows that I'm dating. He knows about the dates. Obviously, he does not know the details of all of my dates. In fact, he usually doesn't even know the names of the dates unless he notices that I'm going out more than twice with them.
When I come home from a date, he will always ask me how things went. He will always ask me if I will see him again. I always reply honestly. I tell him if I will see him again or not and I tell him why. Usually if I don't see the date a second time, I explain to him the reason behind it. Such as, he was nice but there was just no connection, we didn't have anything to talk about. Or I will reply to my son that the man was disrespectful towards me in terms of his language for example. I won't give him any crude details such as the man who wanted to pee on me (see my entry 'To pee or not to pee' in January 2013).
In watching me date, I hope that my son is learning respect. Respect for myself and respect for others.
I do not want my son to meet someone as being my 'partner' until this said partner and I are sure that we are a couple. Why? One important reason is that my son has already lost a parent and I do not want him to get attached to anyone and then possibly lose him from his life also.
I also want to show him that any sexual relationship with a partner is not something that should be taken lightly. This topic is something that I discuss with him. Obviously he does not know and will not know the details of my relationship however, he will know that his mother has enough respect for herself and for him not to bring just anyone into her bed.
A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my son asked me if he will officially meet PMrR1. I told him no, not right now. He was surprised by that answer. He replied to me that since I wasn't seeing anyone else and that I had been dating PMrR1 for a few months now that he should meet him. I reinstated that he will meet him when we are both sure that we are a couple. That right now, we are taking it slow and that we need to be sure first before involving anyone else. I think he understood.
Am I doing the right thing? As a parent and as a single woman who is raising a teenage boy, I think I'm doing the right thing. I want my son to respect women. I also want him to have self-respect. What better way to show him how than through my example?
As I've mentioned before, I work in the people field. Too often I've seen the results of children getting attached to a parent's new partner too quickly and then have to go through the loss of that step parent because the very short relationship fell through between the parent and the 'partner'.
I truly believe that as a parent, it is your responsibility to always put your children first and foremost and if that means sacrificing a few dates or a few outings or a few intimate moments in your home when your children are there, well so be it.
Thankfully, PMrR1 feels the same way as I do. I talk from experience when I say that few people think the way we do.
You could argue that my son is getting older and that he would not get attached so quickly to a new partner. You are right. What is happening with my boy though is that he is now learning how to date and that dating is the probable next stage in his life.
Did I plan on being in the same stage as my teenager and join him in the dating world at my age? Of course not. But such is life and here I am.
I might as well take advantage of the situation and just make it a teachable experience for him.....
What will be the hopeful results? A self-respecting young man that respects not only his mother but also other women.
Not too bad in terms of results isn't it?
Now please note that I'm not passing judgement on anyone. I am talking about my thoughts and perceptions.
In the 10 years that I've been single, my son has never officially met anyone that I've dated. Why? Because he was told by me that if ever I 'officially' present him someone, it will be because I'm in a relationship with this said person.
Of course my son knows that I'm dating. He knows about the dates. Obviously, he does not know the details of all of my dates. In fact, he usually doesn't even know the names of the dates unless he notices that I'm going out more than twice with them.
When I come home from a date, he will always ask me how things went. He will always ask me if I will see him again. I always reply honestly. I tell him if I will see him again or not and I tell him why. Usually if I don't see the date a second time, I explain to him the reason behind it. Such as, he was nice but there was just no connection, we didn't have anything to talk about. Or I will reply to my son that the man was disrespectful towards me in terms of his language for example. I won't give him any crude details such as the man who wanted to pee on me (see my entry 'To pee or not to pee' in January 2013).
In watching me date, I hope that my son is learning respect. Respect for myself and respect for others.
I do not want my son to meet someone as being my 'partner' until this said partner and I are sure that we are a couple. Why? One important reason is that my son has already lost a parent and I do not want him to get attached to anyone and then possibly lose him from his life also.
I also want to show him that any sexual relationship with a partner is not something that should be taken lightly. This topic is something that I discuss with him. Obviously he does not know and will not know the details of my relationship however, he will know that his mother has enough respect for herself and for him not to bring just anyone into her bed.
A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my son asked me if he will officially meet PMrR1. I told him no, not right now. He was surprised by that answer. He replied to me that since I wasn't seeing anyone else and that I had been dating PMrR1 for a few months now that he should meet him. I reinstated that he will meet him when we are both sure that we are a couple. That right now, we are taking it slow and that we need to be sure first before involving anyone else. I think he understood.
Am I doing the right thing? As a parent and as a single woman who is raising a teenage boy, I think I'm doing the right thing. I want my son to respect women. I also want him to have self-respect. What better way to show him how than through my example?
As I've mentioned before, I work in the people field. Too often I've seen the results of children getting attached to a parent's new partner too quickly and then have to go through the loss of that step parent because the very short relationship fell through between the parent and the 'partner'.
I truly believe that as a parent, it is your responsibility to always put your children first and foremost and if that means sacrificing a few dates or a few outings or a few intimate moments in your home when your children are there, well so be it.
Thankfully, PMrR1 feels the same way as I do. I talk from experience when I say that few people think the way we do.
You could argue that my son is getting older and that he would not get attached so quickly to a new partner. You are right. What is happening with my boy though is that he is now learning how to date and that dating is the probable next stage in his life.
Did I plan on being in the same stage as my teenager and join him in the dating world at my age? Of course not. But such is life and here I am.
I might as well take advantage of the situation and just make it a teachable experience for him.....
What will be the hopeful results? A self-respecting young man that respects not only his mother but also other women.
Not too bad in terms of results isn't it?
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Impulsive me.....
Well I did it. It happened almost without me noticing. It was a couple of days ago. It happened so fast I almost wasn't aware that I was doing it. Before I knew it, it was done.....
Yup, I did it.....
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, without even thinking about it twice, without any analysis whatsoever, without any pondering or questioning....
I did it.....
.......
I DELETED MY DATING PROFILE!!!!
OMG!!
:)
Ok, no one panic please! I'm fine and I'm even a little tiny bit relieved about it.
How did it happen?
I received yet another message. A 'hello baby, how are you' message. I couldn't handle it anymore. That was that! Maybe it's the combination of being sick with the flu and getting yet another 'bad' message or maybe I had just reached my limit, I don't know.
What I do know is that profiles can be started over if need be but for now, enough was enough. I know I have stated in the past that I'm not ready to delete that profile but apparently I am. Things are not exactly where I want them to be with PMrR1 but things are great with him anyways. I know I'm just being impatient but I definitely want to see where it will go in time....
I'm not thinking twice about it. I'm comfortable with having no messages from the dating site and I'm especially happy about not going out every other night to meet someone new. Taking things slowly with PMrR1 is just a bonus at this point.
I haven't told him yet about deleting my profile and I don't really feel the urge to do so at the moment....
Funny how things change eh? From just a few weeks ago where I wasn't deleting my profile to this impulsive move.....
Maybe I'm losing my mind? lol
Yup, I did it.....
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, without even thinking about it twice, without any analysis whatsoever, without any pondering or questioning....
I did it.....
.......
I DELETED MY DATING PROFILE!!!!
OMG!!
:)
Ok, no one panic please! I'm fine and I'm even a little tiny bit relieved about it.
How did it happen?
I received yet another message. A 'hello baby, how are you' message. I couldn't handle it anymore. That was that! Maybe it's the combination of being sick with the flu and getting yet another 'bad' message or maybe I had just reached my limit, I don't know.
What I do know is that profiles can be started over if need be but for now, enough was enough. I know I have stated in the past that I'm not ready to delete that profile but apparently I am. Things are not exactly where I want them to be with PMrR1 but things are great with him anyways. I know I'm just being impatient but I definitely want to see where it will go in time....
I'm not thinking twice about it. I'm comfortable with having no messages from the dating site and I'm especially happy about not going out every other night to meet someone new. Taking things slowly with PMrR1 is just a bonus at this point.
I haven't told him yet about deleting my profile and I don't really feel the urge to do so at the moment....
Funny how things change eh? From just a few weeks ago where I wasn't deleting my profile to this impulsive move.....
Maybe I'm losing my mind? lol
Monday, 20 May 2013
Slooooow seems to be the name of the game......
.....but I'm still smiling. I guess there is a lot to be said for taking things slowly in relationship. For developing a friendship and gradually developing more.
I had a great day with PMrR1. We went to another town not too far away and enjoyed our day. We walked for a few hours while holding hands. Talked and laughed and acted silly. We had a beautiful dinner together but unfortunately had to return home early because of a situation with a member of his family. Everyone and everything is ok but he wanted to be around and I completely understand.
Our evening was cut short and I would have liked to have seen him again this weekend but it seems that taking it slow is the name of the game. The way I see it, I always took it a bit faster the other times with other dates and.....well.....'how did that work out for me'?! HA!
Even if our evening was cut short, it was the best day of my anticipated long weekend. I've been sick since yesterday. No food is staying in me and I'm not a pretty sight to see.
I'm very rarely sick (touch wood somewhere) so when it does happen, I'm the first to admit that I have a major pity party. I get down in the dumps and I seem to over analyze everything in my life (not too sure what the link is between analysis and sickness but it's there).
That being said, seeing that I know that I tend to over analyze when sick, I'm forcing myself to keep busy and to not put myself through that!
I'm sticking with the logic of giving PMrR1 time by keeping a slow pace and that is that. I'm not going to analyze it.
Instead I will write a blog, read, look at the disaster that is my house until the renovations are done, smile cause I can actually afford the renovations so I should stop complaining about them and just let things be.
I will try to eat and sleep again and hopefully make it to work tomorrow.
I'm moving slowly right now....physically from being sick and mentally from not allowing any over analysis! I'm doing good with it. Thanks to all of the imaginable gods out there that I'm not hormonal at the moment....lol!!
Slow and steady wins the race......
Signed yours truly in slooooow motion,
SSW :)
I had a great day with PMrR1. We went to another town not too far away and enjoyed our day. We walked for a few hours while holding hands. Talked and laughed and acted silly. We had a beautiful dinner together but unfortunately had to return home early because of a situation with a member of his family. Everyone and everything is ok but he wanted to be around and I completely understand.
Our evening was cut short and I would have liked to have seen him again this weekend but it seems that taking it slow is the name of the game. The way I see it, I always took it a bit faster the other times with other dates and.....well.....'how did that work out for me'?! HA!
Even if our evening was cut short, it was the best day of my anticipated long weekend. I've been sick since yesterday. No food is staying in me and I'm not a pretty sight to see.
I'm very rarely sick (touch wood somewhere) so when it does happen, I'm the first to admit that I have a major pity party. I get down in the dumps and I seem to over analyze everything in my life (not too sure what the link is between analysis and sickness but it's there).
That being said, seeing that I know that I tend to over analyze when sick, I'm forcing myself to keep busy and to not put myself through that!
I'm sticking with the logic of giving PMrR1 time by keeping a slow pace and that is that. I'm not going to analyze it.
Instead I will write a blog, read, look at the disaster that is my house until the renovations are done, smile cause I can actually afford the renovations so I should stop complaining about them and just let things be.
I will try to eat and sleep again and hopefully make it to work tomorrow.
I'm moving slowly right now....physically from being sick and mentally from not allowing any over analysis! I'm doing good with it. Thanks to all of the imaginable gods out there that I'm not hormonal at the moment....lol!!
Slow and steady wins the race......
Signed yours truly in slooooow motion,
SSW :)
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Yes, I do expect....
We are enjoying a long weekend here in my province! Definitely something that most of us are looking forward to!! Three days off from work with Monday as a holiday! Wonderful news!
I expect it to be a weekend of lots of hard work on my part with the renovations that are getting done in my house. I have lots of cleaning to do along with sorting, throwing out and reorganizing.
I have one day reserved for an outing with PMrR1. We are making a daytime date out of it in the middle of our weekend. I EXPECT that it will be great, eventful, entertaining and fun! I EXPECT that we will both enjoy each other's company.
Ah yes, expectations! I'm still thinking about my last post to you! The things that I expect for myself are a part of who I am. I expect to be organized. I expect to maintain my exercise and eating habits. I expect to always always be there for my teenage son (a blog soon on what I think my son is learning from MY dating experience). I expect to survive the chaos that is currently my house (although at times I feel like I'm surviving only by the skin of my teeth....lol).
More importantly though, I expect to be true to myself and to continue to see this through with PMrR1. I expect that I will continue to work on my patience, that I will not try to control the outcome, that I will let things be.
I expect that time will tell me if I'm doing the right thing or not. However, I'm not ready to just sit back forever. I know that as time goes by, that I will start getting used to PMrR1's presence, that I will start getting attached. I have a time limit for my 'waiting' with PMrR1. The time is well set in my mind. I'm enjoying every minute I do spend with him though and I expect that I won't ever regret giving him some time.
Bottom line though, I have to look out after number one and that is me. I won't wait forever.....As it is, I've already pushed back my set time in my mind.......yup, I really like PMrR1..... I won't lose myself though....
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my day with him. I will tell you about it at the end of my weekend.
Signed expectantly yours,
SSW :)
I expect it to be a weekend of lots of hard work on my part with the renovations that are getting done in my house. I have lots of cleaning to do along with sorting, throwing out and reorganizing.
I have one day reserved for an outing with PMrR1. We are making a daytime date out of it in the middle of our weekend. I EXPECT that it will be great, eventful, entertaining and fun! I EXPECT that we will both enjoy each other's company.
Ah yes, expectations! I'm still thinking about my last post to you! The things that I expect for myself are a part of who I am. I expect to be organized. I expect to maintain my exercise and eating habits. I expect to always always be there for my teenage son (a blog soon on what I think my son is learning from MY dating experience). I expect to survive the chaos that is currently my house (although at times I feel like I'm surviving only by the skin of my teeth....lol).
More importantly though, I expect to be true to myself and to continue to see this through with PMrR1. I expect that I will continue to work on my patience, that I will not try to control the outcome, that I will let things be.
I expect that time will tell me if I'm doing the right thing or not. However, I'm not ready to just sit back forever. I know that as time goes by, that I will start getting used to PMrR1's presence, that I will start getting attached. I have a time limit for my 'waiting' with PMrR1. The time is well set in my mind. I'm enjoying every minute I do spend with him though and I expect that I won't ever regret giving him some time.
Bottom line though, I have to look out after number one and that is me. I won't wait forever.....As it is, I've already pushed back my set time in my mind.......yup, I really like PMrR1..... I won't lose myself though....
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my day with him. I will tell you about it at the end of my weekend.
Signed expectantly yours,
SSW :)
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