As you recall, I decided to go against my first instinct of walking away from PMrR1 because he did not want a relationship for now. I decided to really give it a try, to go against what I would usually do in this case and to honestly, give him space, time and to just have fun.
So I go along, I'm having fun and we are establishing a great friendship. But what happens out of the blue? PMrR1 can't handle it. Basically, he is running the other way. 'We' are finished. I strongly suspect he is scared but what can I do about it? Nothing. Please do not tell me to give him time and space and that he will come around.... I can't live my life like that. I may sound harsh right now but I'm truly pissed at myself for not going with my first instinct of walking away three months ago.
So what is the Triple F?
The first F = fiasco. Please let me b*tch and complain here. Every freaken thing I try with men ends up in a fiasco. I'm seriously considering therapy? What the hell am I doing wrong?
The second F = failure. Yes, I'm sick and tired of failing at this. Apparently, according to many of them, I'm the 'best and most beautiful woman around' and the problem always lies with them and not with me. No one can understand why I'm still single? You can't imagine how long those lines are starting to get.
The third F ? You figure it out! :(
Do you want to see an Experience file explode. Do you want to see a Trust file freak out? Do you want to see a Mitigation file cry? (Refer to my entry 'The ET files' for clarification).
Yes, I will file this experience in the E file. Ask me if I will go against my instinct again? Ask me if I will trust even when I think I should trust?
I have now experienced what it is to trust because I think I should trust, because I have no warning bells and no negative gut instinct. THAT, will not happen again. Or if it does, it will take a hell of a long time to trust myself again with this.
The point might be moot. I've been off the dating site for a few weeks. I cannot go through this emotional roller coaster with men on a regular basis. I can't. No one can I imagine....or maybe it's just me? Who knows.
I always always always try to look for a silver lining. I truly always do in all aspects of my life. I've been trying to find one concerning PMrR1 and I can't..... My mom used to say sometimes it might take years for you to see the reason behind something. To that I say I don't think I have the energy to wait that long.
I know from experience (thankfully that E file does hold some positive) that time heals everything. But I also know that this type of experience will affect the little amount of trust I did have when it came to men. This is not good....
I'm sad and pissed at myself and at PMrR1. I'm the only one to blame though. I should NEVER have gone against my first instinct.
I know I will have to reason with myself. My M file has her work cut out for her. She will need to mitigate this or I will remain alone forever.....and frankly, at this point, it truly seems like the best option for me.
Signed yours truly stunned and blindsided by this,
SSW :(
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