My papa

I thought about my father a lot this weekend.  It was the anniversary of his passing.  It has been 26 long years since I've set eyes on him.  I had a bit of time to reflect on my father and on his life over the last few days.

If you remember, way back at the beginning of this blog, I wrote and entry describing my childhood and my perception of my father.  He was a solid and steady man plagued by an awful disease that paralyzed him from neck to toe.  By the time he passed away, his vocal cords were giving up on him.  Multiple Sclerosis had taken control of my father's life.

I got thinking about my papa and the subject of control over the weekend.  I was a bit embarrassed to realize that I've been having a tantrum over my perception of control when truly, I don't have a clue what it is to give up total control. 

Not only had my papa lost his physical control, I'm pretty sure he felt that he had lost control over his life up to a certain degree....

The control he did have, was probably from the knowledge that his faithful and beautiful wife, my mother, was taking care of things.  In a way, it must have made him feel so much better to know that at least she was there.....

Ironically, here I am, his youngest child (his baby as he used to call me) struggling with control.  Control over my fears, my anxiety and my need to stop controlling the outcome of some situations. 

I can just imagine my dad looking at me with his intense eyes and not saying one word in order to convey his message to me.  I'm pretty sure he would understand the control issue (I didn't fall that far from the tree) but I'm also quite certain that he would help me put it in perspective by encouraging me to be patient.  How would he do that?  By just being him.  Papa would sit or lie down for hours and hours and hours.....for the last several years of his life that is all he did because that was all he could do....talk about giving up control.... 

My memories of him over the last few days have in fact already helped me in digging deeper for patience.  Papa did what he could for himself and for others.  He was a patient advocate at our local hospital up until he passed away.....  He made lemonade with the lemons that were thrown at him....He kept his mind, the one part of him that was still working well, by keeping himself busy.  I remember once entering his room for a visit and the first thing he told me was the number of little pinholes that were all over the multiple tiles on the ceiling.  He had counted them....

I need to take my own lemons that are presenting themselves as the need to control, the anxiety and the fear and I need to turn them into something positive.  Oh I am on the right track.  I'm learning and I'm developing patience, but I need to dig deeper and to really learn to control the things that I can control, the things that are good for me to control and to let the rest be.....

It would NOT be good for me to control the outcome with PMrR1 right now.  I know that.  I've accepted to give him time and I need to get over it and in fact, just give him time. 

I've proven to myself that I'm not a wimp when it comes to still being able to control though.  I've given the final farewell to Mr Earring who accepted it like a gentleman.

My evening with PMrR1 a few nights ago was so great.  It was simple and comfortable and I felt like a teenager out on a date.  Time flew by and we enjoyed each other's company.

It was so comfortable that I felt awkward going out for an afternoon drink with Mr Earring the next day.  He was kind and respectful as always, but on my part, something was gone.  He asked me out for that same evening and I refused.  I told him that I did not want to mislead him and that I didn't think that we should see each other again.  We wished each other luck.....

So now I sit here writing this to you.  I still don't know what will happen with PMrR1.  All I do know is that I've promised myself to let go of the control and to be patient and to wait and see.  I'm having a hard time with it because I want it to be settled NOW!  But then I give my head a shake and think of papa.  How many times in his life would he have wished to have better control over the outcome of his own life?

I'm realizing that this control that I'm struggling with is in fact important but if I put it in perspective, it is actually only a small part of my life.  I have control over pretty much everything else in life as opposed to my dad who had no control whatsoever over anything except his thoughts and his dignity. 

Papa was a man of honour and nothing ever changed that for him.  I need to remain true to myself in order to possibly make things better for me in one aspect of my life.  I need to let go of what I said I would and to honour myself enough to be patient through it. 

If anything, I can definitely do this in memory of my dad.  What will I get in return if I can control my need for control?  If I can develop and persist in my patience?  I will feel proud and I will feel like I've proven that I can do something that is very difficult for me.  I will never ever wonder 'what if' when it comes to PMrR1.

More importantly though, I stand the chance of possibly developing something wonderful with a man, that is in many ways a stand up man, just like my father was......despite him never being able to physically stand up....

There are in fact more important ways to stand up....  my papa taught me that.....

Signed: my father's daughter..... SSW :)