Lessons for my son?

For a variety of reasons, it is not obvious to date at our age, especially when you have children.  Maybe I should rephrase that and say that it is not easy to date at our age especially when we have children and IF we are a responsible parent.

Now please note that I'm not passing judgement on anyone.  I am talking about my thoughts and perceptions.

In the 10 years that I've been single, my son has never officially met anyone that I've dated.  Why?  Because he was told by me that if ever I 'officially' present him someone, it will be because I'm in a relationship with this said person.

Of course my son knows that I'm dating.  He knows about the dates.  Obviously, he does not know the details of all of my dates.  In fact, he usually doesn't even know the names of the dates unless he notices that I'm going out more than twice with them.

When I come home from a date, he will always ask me how things went.  He will always ask me if I will see him again.  I always reply honestly.  I tell him if I will see him again or not and I tell him why.  Usually if I don't see the date a second time, I explain to him the reason behind it.  Such as, he was nice but there was just no connection, we didn't have anything to talk about.  Or I will reply to my son that the man was disrespectful towards me in terms of his language for example.  I won't give him any crude details such as the man who wanted to pee on me (see my entry 'To pee or not to pee' in January 2013). 

In watching me date, I hope that my son is learning respect.  Respect for myself and respect for others. 

I do not want my son to meet someone as being my 'partner' until this said partner and I are sure that we are a couple.  Why?  One important reason is that my son has already lost a parent and I do not want him to get attached to anyone and then possibly lose him from his life also. 

I also want to show him that any sexual relationship with a partner is not something that should be taken lightly.  This topic is something that I discuss with him.  Obviously he does not know and will not know the details of my relationship however, he will know that his mother has enough respect for herself and for him not to bring just anyone into her bed.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my son asked me if he will officially meet PMrR1.  I told him no, not right now.  He was surprised by that answer.  He replied to me that since I wasn't seeing anyone else and that I had been dating PMrR1 for a few months now that he should meet him.  I reinstated that he will meet him when we are both sure that we are a couple.  That right now, we are taking it slow and that we need to be sure first before involving anyone else.  I think he understood.

Am I doing the right thing?  As a parent and as a single woman who is raising a teenage boy, I think I'm doing the right thing.  I want my son to respect women.  I also want him to have self-respect.  What better way to show him how than through my example? 

As I've mentioned before, I work in the people field.  Too often I've seen the results of children getting attached to a parent's new partner too quickly and then have to go through the loss of that step parent because the very short relationship fell through between the parent and the 'partner'. 

I truly believe that as a parent, it is your responsibility to always put your children first and foremost and if that means sacrificing a few dates or a few outings or a few intimate moments in your home when your children are there, well so be it. 

Thankfully, PMrR1 feels the same way as I do.  I talk from experience when I say that few people think the way we do.

You could argue that my son is getting older and that he would not get attached so quickly to a new partner.  You are right.  What is happening with my boy though is that he is now learning how to date and that dating is the probable next stage in his life.

Did I plan on being in the same stage as my teenager and join him in the dating world at my age?  Of course not.  But such is life and here I am.
I might as well take advantage of the situation and just make it a teachable experience for him.....

What will be the hopeful results?  A self-respecting young man that respects not only his mother but also other women.

Not too bad in terms of results isn't it?

Impulsive me.....

Well I did it.  It happened almost without me noticing.  It was a couple of days ago.  It happened so fast I almost wasn't aware that I was doing it.  Before I knew it, it was done.....

Yup, I did it.....

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, without even thinking about it twice, without any analysis whatsoever, without any pondering or questioning....


I did it.....


.......

I DELETED MY DATING PROFILE!!!!

OMG!!

:)

Ok, no one panic please!  I'm fine and I'm even a little tiny bit relieved about it.

How did it happen?

I received yet another message.  A 'hello baby, how are you' message.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  That was that!  Maybe it's the combination of being sick with the flu and getting yet another 'bad' message or maybe I had just reached my limit, I don't know.

What I do know is that profiles can be started over if need be but for now, enough was enough.  I know I have stated in the past that I'm not ready to delete that profile but apparently I am.  Things are not exactly where I want them to be with PMrR1 but things are great with him anyways.  I know I'm just being impatient but I definitely want to see where it will go in time....

I'm not thinking twice about it.  I'm comfortable with having no messages from the dating site and I'm especially happy about not going out every other night to meet someone new.  Taking things slowly with PMrR1 is just a bonus at this point. 

I haven't told him yet about deleting my profile and I don't really feel the urge to do so at the moment....

Funny how things change eh?  From just a few weeks ago where I wasn't deleting my profile to this impulsive move..... 

Maybe I'm losing my mind?  lol

Slooooow seems to be the name of the game......

.....but I'm still smiling.  I guess there is a lot to be said for taking things slowly in relationship.  For developing a friendship and gradually developing more.

I had a great day with PMrR1.  We went to another town not too far away and enjoyed our day.  We walked for a few hours while holding hands.  Talked and laughed and acted silly.  We had a beautiful dinner together but unfortunately had to return home early because of a situation with a member of his family.  Everyone and everything is ok but he wanted to be around and I completely understand.

Our evening was cut short and I would have liked to have seen him again this weekend but it seems that taking it slow is the name of the game.  The way I see it, I always took it a bit faster the other times with other dates and.....well.....'how did that work out for me'?!   HA!

Even if our evening was cut short, it was the best day of my anticipated long weekend.  I've been sick since yesterday.  No food is staying in me and I'm not a pretty sight to see.

I'm very rarely sick (touch wood somewhere) so when it does happen, I'm the first to admit that I have a major pity party.  I get down in the dumps and I seem to over analyze everything in my life (not too sure what the link is between analysis and sickness but it's there).

That being said, seeing that I know that I tend to over analyze when sick, I'm forcing myself to keep busy and to not put myself through that! 

I'm sticking with the logic of giving PMrR1 time by keeping a slow pace and that is that.  I'm not going to analyze it.

Instead I will write a blog, read, look at the disaster that is my house until the renovations are done, smile cause I can actually afford the renovations so I should stop complaining about them and just let things be.

I will try to eat and sleep again and hopefully make it to work tomorrow.

I'm moving slowly right now....physically from being sick and mentally from not allowing any over analysis!  I'm doing good with it.  Thanks to all of the imaginable gods out there that I'm  not hormonal at the moment....lol!!

Slow and steady wins the race......

Signed yours truly in slooooow motion,

SSW :)

 

 

 

Yes, I do expect....

We are enjoying a long weekend here in my province!  Definitely something that most of us are looking forward to!!  Three days off from work with Monday as a holiday!  Wonderful news!

I expect it to be a weekend of lots of hard work on my part with the renovations that are getting done in my house.  I have lots of cleaning to do along with sorting, throwing out and reorganizing. 

I have one day reserved for an outing with PMrR1.  We are making a daytime date out of it in the middle of our weekend.  I EXPECT that it will be great, eventful, entertaining and fun!   I EXPECT that we will both enjoy each other's company.

Ah yes, expectations!  I'm still thinking about my last post to you!  The things that I expect for myself are a part of who I am.  I expect to be organized.  I expect to maintain my exercise and eating habits.  I expect to always always be there for my teenage son (a blog soon on what I think my son is learning from MY dating experience).  I expect to survive the chaos that is currently my house (although at times I feel like I'm surviving only by the skin of my teeth....lol). 

More importantly though, I expect to be true to myself and to continue to see this through with PMrR1.  I expect that I will continue to work on my patience, that I will not try to control the outcome, that I will let things be.

I expect that time will tell me if I'm doing the right thing or not.  However, I'm not ready to just sit back forever.  I know that as time goes by, that I will start getting used to PMrR1's presence, that I will start getting attached.  I have a time limit for my 'waiting' with PMrR1.   The time is well set in my mind.  I'm enjoying every minute I do spend with him though and I expect that I won't ever regret giving him some time. 

Bottom line though, I have to look out after number one and that is me.  I won't wait forever.....As it is, I've already pushed back my set time in my mind.......yup, I really like PMrR1.....  I won't lose myself though....

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my day with him.  I will tell you about it at the end of my weekend.

Signed expectantly yours,

SSW :)

Expectations

I finally got around to checking my messages on the dating site recently.  I had one interesting message from a man I met about 3 months ago.  I met him once.  Obviously, nothing came out of the meeting.  He was nice enough, we had been chatting for quite some time before we met and he has sent me a few messages since meeting.

I found him to be depressed and he admitted to having some issues with depression.  I also found him to have a complacent attitude towards dating but I didn't really think anything of it and blamed it on his depression.  That was that.

So I get a message from him, asking me how things were going because I hadn't been online lately.  I tell him that I have met someone and that we are going slowly.  He then comments on the fact that my profile is still active.  So I jokingly explain to him that I'm still waiting to meet a man that is ready to be exclusive.  He replies something interesting to me.  He says and I quote 'I find through your profile and through meeting you that your expectations are too high, I wasn't comfortable meeting you'.  (This from a man that TRIED to kiss me three times on our first meeting).

My first comment to him was that he certainly did not give me the impression that he wasn't comfortable with me because he did ask me out again afterwards.....a second meeting that I refused.  I also commented to him that I find his attitude toward dating to be blasé and very complacent.  It looks like he is not expecting anything out of meeting someone.  To which he replied 'I'm not expecting anything'. 

I simply thanked him for his comment and stated that if I am on a dating site, it is definitely because I am expecting to find someone with whom I can develop exclusivity and a possible long term relationship.  There is no way that I will allow myself to become blasé, cynical (well not completely cynical...lol) or complacent about the whole process.  I pointed out to him that I could not have such high expectations because 99% of the men that I have met have made me want to run the other way.....He 'lol' at that

His comments got me thinking about several things though.  I know that men and women are from two different planets.  I know that we think differently and I know that we are not wired the same way when it comes to relationships.  But are we that far apart?  If a man on a dating site tells me that he is seeking a relationship, I expect for the most part that he is telling the truth.  I've discussed the games that are being played out there already about men saying what they want and wanting what they say. However, that being said, should I drop my expectations?

Last winter sometime, I went out with someone for a tea.  I was exhausted and it showed.  I wasn't very enthusiastic about the meeting because of the tiredness and frankly I wasn't expecting much from the meeting.  The man commented that I looked like I was sick and tired of dating.  I smiled and simply said I had had a long day. 

The dating world sucks (to quote some teens) at times.  You have to anticipate and expect great things, but apparently you can't let it show too much or it might make men run away. 

You cannot be tired or at least let it show or they will tell you that you look 'sick and tired of dating'.

You have to be sexy, pretty, smart, funny, intelligent, be on the ball, witty, go to the gym, work your ass off, have a career and be able to match a man on anything though. 

But do NOT expect a possible relationship.  And for goodness sakes do NOT be eager about it!!

I apologize for the sarcasm.  But in my final reply to the email on the dating site I said to him that the day that I stop expecting is the day that I stop dating all together.  What is the point of being on a site to find a partner if you cannot expect to have one?

I'm secure enough to know that my expectations are not off the chart.  I know what I want and that is that. 

In the meantime, I just came back from having dinner with PMrR1.  It was a great couple of hours in our extremely busy schedule.  I'm still comfortable not controlling anything and I expect (here's that dreaded word again) that we will meet again soon for yet another activity or outing.....

“An attitude of positive expectation is the mark of the superior personality.”
― Brian Tracy

So there!

Signed yours truly,

SSW :)

The sound of silence......

It's been a quiet and pensive week for me. I'm in the process of slowly but surely losing interest in the dating site. I don't go on it anymore. I've had several new messages waiting for me and I haven't gone to look at them nor do I have the desire to do so at this point. I will eventually but for now I don't seem to care.

So what is happening? I don't know.... I'm quiet and I'm pensive as to why things are so quiet within me. I really don't want to think that I'm so interested in PMrR1 that I would suddenly stop wanting to even check out the dating site. I don't think that it's the reason? I don't see PMrR1 often. On average once a week maybe. We communicate a little bit more than that, but nothing overboard. It's a slow pace and that's ok.....

I have lots going on in my life.  Professionally things are a bit on the wild side these days...non stop everything!  Personally, lots of renovations in my home are causing quite the chaos but my son and I are adapting to it.  It is a pain to be in the middle of the renovations but it's for a better cause.  I have to think of the results!

It's funny, the title of my blog is the sound of silence but between the non stop activities and action at work and between the noise of work tools and the in and out in my house with the work being done, there is no silence at all around me. 

Yet, I feel quiet.

I feel like there is no noise within me.  I'm not too sure how to explain it. 

Even the files have shut up completely.  It's as if they are comfortably sleeping, all three of them, cuddled up together.  No one is peeking around, no one is nervous, no one is complacent, they are just there.....  Weird weird weird.

I guess I could say that I feel like some renovations have been done and are still being done within me.  I've learnt to trust, I've learnt that true romance exists and I've confirmed that my instinct is working well. 

At the moment, I'm learning to let go of control.  To stop controlling the outcome of what will happen in my dating world.  I was chatting with a dear friend on the phone this week and we were talking about how I was letting things be with PMrR1.  That I was adapting to his pace.  She chuckled and pointed out that I've 'dumped' men for far lesser reasons than them needing time.  I think she was impressed with me :)

I get the feeling again that I'm in the process of learning something else.  I'm not sure what though.  It's something comforting, of that I am sure.  It's something good, it's not making me panic.  It simply is happening...whatever it is. 

Perhaps it's the realization that it's ok to not try to control the outcome of some things?  Perhaps I'm seeing how exhausting it was for me to always be on guard and to always try to control the outcome of a new relationship?

The renovations that are being done within me are also for the better, of that I am convinced....

I'm not saying I'm waiting for PMrR1.  I'm saying I'm comfortable right now.  I'm discovering how truly tired I was with all the dating I had been doing.  Much more tired than what I originally thought.

Will I date someone else again?  Time will tell but right now, it's not on my things to do list....No, I'm not deleting my dating profile, I'm just trusting my instinct right now.....

Signed peacefully yours,

SSW :)

My papa

I thought about my father a lot this weekend.  It was the anniversary of his passing.  It has been 26 long years since I've set eyes on him.  I had a bit of time to reflect on my father and on his life over the last few days.

If you remember, way back at the beginning of this blog, I wrote and entry describing my childhood and my perception of my father.  He was a solid and steady man plagued by an awful disease that paralyzed him from neck to toe.  By the time he passed away, his vocal cords were giving up on him.  Multiple Sclerosis had taken control of my father's life.

I got thinking about my papa and the subject of control over the weekend.  I was a bit embarrassed to realize that I've been having a tantrum over my perception of control when truly, I don't have a clue what it is to give up total control. 

Not only had my papa lost his physical control, I'm pretty sure he felt that he had lost control over his life up to a certain degree....

The control he did have, was probably from the knowledge that his faithful and beautiful wife, my mother, was taking care of things.  In a way, it must have made him feel so much better to know that at least she was there.....

Ironically, here I am, his youngest child (his baby as he used to call me) struggling with control.  Control over my fears, my anxiety and my need to stop controlling the outcome of some situations. 

I can just imagine my dad looking at me with his intense eyes and not saying one word in order to convey his message to me.  I'm pretty sure he would understand the control issue (I didn't fall that far from the tree) but I'm also quite certain that he would help me put it in perspective by encouraging me to be patient.  How would he do that?  By just being him.  Papa would sit or lie down for hours and hours and hours.....for the last several years of his life that is all he did because that was all he could do....talk about giving up control.... 

My memories of him over the last few days have in fact already helped me in digging deeper for patience.  Papa did what he could for himself and for others.  He was a patient advocate at our local hospital up until he passed away.....  He made lemonade with the lemons that were thrown at him....He kept his mind, the one part of him that was still working well, by keeping himself busy.  I remember once entering his room for a visit and the first thing he told me was the number of little pinholes that were all over the multiple tiles on the ceiling.  He had counted them....

I need to take my own lemons that are presenting themselves as the need to control, the anxiety and the fear and I need to turn them into something positive.  Oh I am on the right track.  I'm learning and I'm developing patience, but I need to dig deeper and to really learn to control the things that I can control, the things that are good for me to control and to let the rest be.....

It would NOT be good for me to control the outcome with PMrR1 right now.  I know that.  I've accepted to give him time and I need to get over it and in fact, just give him time. 

I've proven to myself that I'm not a wimp when it comes to still being able to control though.  I've given the final farewell to Mr Earring who accepted it like a gentleman.

My evening with PMrR1 a few nights ago was so great.  It was simple and comfortable and I felt like a teenager out on a date.  Time flew by and we enjoyed each other's company.

It was so comfortable that I felt awkward going out for an afternoon drink with Mr Earring the next day.  He was kind and respectful as always, but on my part, something was gone.  He asked me out for that same evening and I refused.  I told him that I did not want to mislead him and that I didn't think that we should see each other again.  We wished each other luck.....

So now I sit here writing this to you.  I still don't know what will happen with PMrR1.  All I do know is that I've promised myself to let go of the control and to be patient and to wait and see.  I'm having a hard time with it because I want it to be settled NOW!  But then I give my head a shake and think of papa.  How many times in his life would he have wished to have better control over the outcome of his own life?

I'm realizing that this control that I'm struggling with is in fact important but if I put it in perspective, it is actually only a small part of my life.  I have control over pretty much everything else in life as opposed to my dad who had no control whatsoever over anything except his thoughts and his dignity. 

Papa was a man of honour and nothing ever changed that for him.  I need to remain true to myself in order to possibly make things better for me in one aspect of my life.  I need to let go of what I said I would and to honour myself enough to be patient through it. 

If anything, I can definitely do this in memory of my dad.  What will I get in return if I can control my need for control?  If I can develop and persist in my patience?  I will feel proud and I will feel like I've proven that I can do something that is very difficult for me.  I will never ever wonder 'what if' when it comes to PMrR1.

More importantly though, I stand the chance of possibly developing something wonderful with a man, that is in many ways a stand up man, just like my father was......despite him never being able to physically stand up....

There are in fact more important ways to stand up....  my papa taught me that.....

Signed: my father's daughter..... SSW :)

Free falling

I have a long list of things I want to do in life.  My bucket list if you wish!  I want to travel Europe, I want to race in a Nascar stock car, I want to do an African safari and amongst others, I would like to do some sky diving.  The free fall feeling must be incredible!!

I'm getting a bit of a free fall feeling experience with the emotional ride I am on at the moment.  No sense of control over what will happen with PMrR1.  It's a new experience for me.  As you all know, I sort of like to get a sense of what will happen in some situations.  If you remember, I've described to you how I used to unwrap some Christmas gifts from under the tree before Christmas when I was a little girl.  I sometimes read ahead in a book just to see what will happen.  But in this dating world with PMrR1, I've decided to not try to control anything.  To not walk away because I can't control it.  I have a time limit in my mind though and I am giving it an honest go at it.

The free falling experience from this is a bit of an eye opener.  I'm actually doing a lot better than what I thought I would.  I'm slowly but surely learning to control the anxiety and sometimes, although it does not happen often, I do not feel anxious at all.....  My sleep is not the best though but I've never been the best of sleepers.  I have to admit that when I do sleep, I dream and dream and dream.  Freud would indeed have a field day with me.....HA!

What else am I learning?  I'm learning to pace myself.  I'm learning to go slow.  I'm forcing myself to go out with  others even if I just want to kick back and 'wait and see' what happens.  Waiting would not be good for me for now so I date.

Who am I dating?  Well, after being told by Mr Earring that he would prefer to not see me because he doesn't want to lose me, he apparently changed his mind and asked me out again for an afternoon meeting.  I agreed.  After this outing, I will see how 'serious' he is and I will definitely not see him again if I don't feel comfortable with his intentions.  I WILL control the outcome with Mr Earring....  my goal is not to hurt anyone...especially  not myself.

I just want to keep a casual approach to dating for now. 

I just heard you all say 'YEAH RIGHT' to that comment.  lol.  Let me rephrase.  I'm TRYING to keep a casual approach to dating ......   I'm really trying to enjoy the moment and to not worry about controlling the future!

I'm seeing PMrR1 tonight!  I'm looking forward to it....

I will keep you posted as to how both outings go...the one with PMrR1 and the one with Mr Earring!

Yours in a free fall!

SSW :)