Geometry

I was a pretty good student in high school.  Like most people, I had my strengths and my weaknesses.  I was pretty strong in social sciences but had to work harder in natural sciences.  The one class I was absolutely horrible at was math class.  More specifically the dreaded geometry class!  Do you want to spell disaster!  I was reduced to tears on most of my homework assignments in geometry.  It was a total nightmare.....

I've since concluded that I have a perception problem.  A problem that has never been officially diagnosed but I consider myself to be qualified enough in my own life and in my own perceptions to diagnose myself with a problem in perception.  If you don't believe that I have this problem, stick me in a new city (or sometimes even in my own city) and ask me to get to point B from point A.  I will get so lost, it won't be funny...

What is funny though is my fascination with geometry; the perfect lines, the right angles, the perfect never ending circles, the sometimes skewed lines that always somehow end up in a perfect pattern or designs. 

I'm in awe with geometry and am usually attracted enough to it to observe and to watch it all around me.  In fact, when I get stressed or when I have to think a lot, I draw circles.  Sometimes I draw squares.  My colleagues know for a fact when I'm either stressed or thinking.  I have little note pads of perfectly shaped circles and/or squares all over the place in my office....

It's not all far fetched though.  We have geometry everywhere when you think of it.  We have lines guiding us on our roads, we have some roundabouts, we have triangles to depict some sewing patterns and such.  We have the circle of life or the square root of numbers.  In our celestial sphere we have imaginary lines depicting the latitude and the longitude.  In physics we have 'A geometric theory of everything' where 'deep down, the particles and forces of the universe are a manifestation of exquisite geometry' (Lisi and Weatherall).  This is just to name a few.

Oh yes, geometry leads the way it seems......

........ even in relationships.....

Now as you all know, I've been going around in circles for a bit with PMrR1.  I've been spinning in this dating world.  I'm no square and I'm no stranger to the dating world.  But now, it seems that I've just gotten myself into a triangle! 

Yes, at the age of 45, SSW is in her own little geometric world.  A world that, ironically she cannot perceive well, but nevertheless is now thrown fully into it.  So perception difficulties or not, I have to stop going around in circles and perhaps start looking into a straighter linear way.

I saw PMrR1 last night.  We had a long talk.  We agreed to continue seeing each other and to take it very slow.  I have decided to swallow my fears, to let go of the controls and to let it be.  Yes, you are reading this right, there are no guidelines at the moment with PMrR1.  I feel out of bounds and out of my circle of control.  In my eyes though,  PMrR1 is worth it.....for now..... 

Before any of you mention it, I know that I am saying the opposite of what it is I have said in my other entries and in my replies to the comments in those entries.  I did state that I was NOT going to wait and maybe watch him leave with someone else, that I was NOT going to take that chance.  Well it seems that I've changed my mind for now.  I think you can all conclude that I see something pretty great in PMrR1.  I'm swallowing my fears and my state of growing panic (when I think of it too much) and I'm letting go of the controls.  It's a free fall ride at the moment....

Now you may all say that this is great!   Yes, truly it really is great.  I feel like I'm discovering new areas of life, uncharted territory if you wish, with my own feelings and my own experiences in the dating jungle.

Thing is Mr Earring wanted to know how my date had gone with PMrR1.  You see, Mr Earring was very intense.  I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that he was really into me.  I was avoiding that gaze, not wanting to mislead him because, as mentioned in my other posts, I didn't feel like we had so much in common.  I was also honest with him and told him I was seeing someone else.

After I shared my decision with Mr Earring that I was going to continue dating and not get serious with anyone, he announced that he was looking for exclusivity with me.  That he knew that I was 'the one' for him and that a man either wants you or he doesn't want you.  Funny thing is, those were my exact words to PMrR1 (except Mr Earring didn't know that).

So now, I would like exclusivity with PMrR1 but, for a variety of reasons that I have accepted for now,  he is taking it slower.  I don't want exclusivity with Mr Earring but he wants it with me. 

Ah yes, there you have it, a love triangle.  At the moment, my dating life feels like a soap opera.....  'As the world turns'.....turning like a circle and making my stomach turn and my head spin if I think of it too much

Just so you know, I'm completely comfortable in taking my time and letting it be for now with PMrR1.  It won't be forever though.  PMrR1 knows that.

Mr Earring does not want to see me again until I settle things with PMrR1.  I suggested to Mr Earring that we continue to date and to see what happens.  He replied that he knows what he wants and he does not want to take the chance of losing me down the road. 

I said the same thing to PMrR1....the only difference is that I AM taking the chance.  I figure at one point, you have to take chances right?  Right????  I'm doing the right thing RIGHT???? (someone please answer me).

How the hell did I get stuck into this complex geometric conundrum.  I feel like I'm walking around in a circle trying to get out of a triangle.  Maybe I am a square after all because I don't know a lot of people that go through this.....

Once, someone said to me that they were walking around in circles. I jokingly replied 'maybe you should try walking around in squares, change your perception of things a little bit.... '   Not that bad of an idea eh?

'The human heart likes a little disorder in its geometry'. (Louis de Bernieres)

To Mr Louis de Bernieres I say 'HA'!!!

Signed yours truly, trapped in her own little geometrically complicated love life.... 

SSW :) 

P.S.  If I think about it too much I actually laugh out loud......