The other lesson.....

Two entries ago, I shared with you what I thought was a lesson that I was learning these days.  It's definitely an important one.  A lesson that I can trust some men.  A lesson that I can trust myself and my instinct!  Very important lessons indeed.....

Little did I know though that I was and still am in the process of learning another important lesson.  This is a super big one.  I don't think a lesson has ever been so clear to me before.  It sure hit me like a ton of bricks tonight let me tell you.

I was determined to talk with PMrR1 this evening.  Determined to settle our status once and for all.  We both wanted to talk, and talk we did for three hours straight. Talked about work, kids, our week, some recipes, our dinners, some sports, some current events, we laughed and chuckled about a variety of things while holding hands on and off at the dinner table.  We talked about some childhood experiences, our aches and pains as we get older (nothing serious), we evaluated some restaurants, some teaching styles, the state of our educational system, our dessert and even our waitress.  We talked about money, finances, the cost of living and taxes. We chatted about our upcoming week and about everything under the sun.  We can chat up a storm apparently.  But we didn't chat about anything else.....

Everytime I thought of bringing up the subject of 'us', I couldn't do it.  I have never ever been so prepared and pumped up to talk about something and then NOT talk about it.  As strange as it sounds, and I swear this is true, it felt like someone or something was physically stopping my mouth from working as soon as I thought of the words...  I know it sounds odd and that it doesn't make sense but it just wasn't happening.  Those words were stuck there. 

Driving home after my outing tonight, something was bugging me.  Firstly what is it that stopped me from talking?  Secondly, why do I feel good about NOT talking?  I felt freed for some reason.   Something happened over that dinner. 

I had the 'HAHA' moment at a red light!   THIS is my lesson!!!  I think I'm learning that I should stop trying to control everything?  To just let it be for awhile and to see.  To let things happen naturally.  If this is the lesson that I'm learning, well then it's a hell of a lesson isn't it??

Some of the comments I've had from you readers, in a variety of entries, have been for me to let it be, to relax and to basically stop trying to control things.  Well guess what?  I think I'm starting to finally see a light in that area..... I think I'm starting to get it!  Now THAT is great news eh?

So there you have it.  Nothing is even close to being settled with PMrR1.  And guess what?  It's ok.  It will settle eventually.....

For now,  I won't try to control the timing and I certainly won't try to control the outcome.  For now......

At the moment, my anxiety level is low.  I don't feel any anxiety (which is a bit strange in itself).  Then again, maybe letting go or starting to let go of the control can have that affect on me?

I'm realistic enough that I know that I won't completely let go of the control over that area of my life so easily and so quickly. 

I'm definitely experienced enough to know that I still need to be aware of what I'm feeling and of what is happening. 

I am not suddenly transported back to a naive little girl that doesn't know any better.....

Oh no.  I know, believe me, I know. 

For now though, I will choose to let it ride and I will try to not control the gears. 

I'm still trying to figure out what it is that physically prevented me from talking tonight.  What an odd feeling.......

Signed an out of control SSW ;)

(It's not a smile, but a wink is good too).