The lesson.....

In my entry 'PMrR1' I told you that I was in the process of learning something.   I'm still struggling with it.  It is an important lesson and it has to do with trust.  It has to do with not only trusting a man at face value but for also trusting myself.

I spent a bit of time today reading some of my old posts.  It dawned on me how much my instinct (or my warning bells or my files) are really working.  Whether I was talking to you about Mr Handsome or Mr Dangerous or even Mr 2G2BT, even if there was nothing seriously 'wrong' with any of them (as in Mr 2G2BT), my instinct to doubt was always right!!

Take PMrR2 for instance, even with everything that he was saying, all the right things, all the right words, something was bugging me.  Yes, granted, I did lose interest pretty darn quickly however, PMrR2 has disappeared.  He dropped off the face of the earth it seems.  I'm not sure why??  I didn't say anything to him pertaining to PMrR1 that had captured my interest.  I WAS going to drop PMrR2 gently and tell him I wanted to concentrate my efforts on someone else, but he's gone (thus making it easier on me).  So it seems that for him also, whatever was 'bugging' me was a good indicator.

The lesson that I'm learning is that I can indeed trust myself.  Yes, I still have to silence some fake warning bells, but for the most part, after several outings with someone, if something is still making me doubt, I need to trust that.  What I'm feeling (or not feeling) with PMrR1  has definitely confirmed that for me.

I was pretty bummed out in my last entry.  I still am.  I am putting things in perspective though and yes, I suspect I will still see PMrR1 (I'm not asking for the outing though).  I don't want to raise my hopes and I won't allow it.  My thoughts are not permitted to go that direction and I do everything I can for thought control.  I'm hoping that maybe I'll be lucky but I'm only trusting myself in this case.  Trusting myself to steer away from the hope because I cannot and will not allow myself disappointment.  Not at this point!  No way! 

I have several things going on at once up there (yes there).  Because my interest is so great in PMrR1, I don't feel like getting back to dating.  So tonight,  almost against my will, I turned on my profille and my pictures.

Now please believe me when I say that I am not bragging.  Anyone can look good with a bit of make up and well done up hair.  Within 10 minutes of turning on my pictures, I had received 9 emails from men on the dating site.  Again, I'm not tooting my own horn, it is not the point I'm trying to make. 

What followed after this was not expected.  Without a word of lie, my anxiety shot up 100% .  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm not ready to move on? 

When I first met PMrR1 he was the first and only man that did not want to see my pictures before meeting me.  How impressed was I by that?

Obviously the 9 men contacting me tonight, for the most part, had probably not taken the time to read my complete profile.  This superficial aspect of a dating site is bothering me at the moment.....  How sure am I that no one read that profile?  After 10 minutes, I hid my pictures and I haven't received an email since.....  Pretty darn sad....  my profile is not hidden anymore......just the pictures.

The other thing happening is that I'm concerned that I will have to stop seeing PMrR1 altogether.  I will have to cut the cord because once again, my interest is too great and I suspect will only grow everytime I see him.  If we are not on the same wavelength, what is the point of seeing each other?  Again, I will NOT be disappointed.  No way!  NOT going to happen.....

I feel like pouting and screaming that it isn't fair :(

I finally meet someone that has got my full attention, someone with whom I would like without a doubt to explore the possibilities of an exclusive relationship and he isn't ready....  Damn!!!

I've asked the question before and I'm asking it again.  What the hell am I doing wrong?

One way or another, big lesson learnt with PMrR1.  I was concerned that I was going to have bells ringing for every man out there.  I'm learning that it is not the case.  I am capable of trusting at face value it seems.  So far so good anyways.  I'm capable of it!!!  Look at that!!  That is great news eh!?

Now let's just see if there is a Potential Mister Right out there than can somewhat match PMrR1 AND who is ready to try exclusivity....

I feel like I've just babbled...I hope this makes sense....

The smile is slowly coming back,

SSW