Big case of the BLAHS

Yes, I admit it, I'm feeling blah.  Just say the word and you'll know how I'm feeling.  On top of that I'm teary-eyed, exhausted, feeling overwhelmed and have just plain had it!

I'm approaching holidays and I need it.  I'm also almost done the renovations at home and am trying to clean everything at once.  I see it like a gigantic insurmountable task.

I'm trying hard not to think of men and in particular PMrR1.  I still have not 100% made up my mind as to what to do with this particular situation....  As time goes by, though, I want to bury my head in the sand and not come up.  Not come up for any man....including PMrR1.....

Several times this week I caught myself thinking and even saying 'why did I start this dating thing again'?  Then I was reminded of my son not wanting to go out with his friends because he thought that I would be alone....  I was also reminded of how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone.....

I am slipping back into that zone.  I do have to admit that it's not really a comfortable place at the moment.  I'm not doing so well in terms of coping with all of this - (forgive the expression) - crap.

I'm surprising myself because I can usually cope with pretty well everything but I'm struggling here....I really am.

I'm teary-eyed, discouraged, lonely and terrified of my upcoming holidays.  What the hell am I going to do?  Yes there are the obvious things that I can do during my holidays and don't get my wrong, my support system is great.  However my support system consists of wonderful but married people.  I'm not big on third wheeling. 

Talk about a mid life crisis here!

I caught myself emotionally eating a few times.  I caught it, admitted it and curbed it.  I'm not too concerned about it because whatever I do in the food department I pound the heck out of it at the gym.

I think I have to go back to my pre-dating mind set.  The one that says that if I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be alone.  Eliminate the thought of anything else.  It is much better to be alone and to act accordingly by just doing my own thing.

Yes, I admit it, I'm super disappointed.  No, I'm not going to wait for anyone.  I can't do that to myself.  Life goes on....

So, I will watch my food intake, force myself to maintain a healthy and regular routine at the gym, read a book, build a puzzle, work in my garden, sleep, spend time with my married friends and spend as much time as I can with my growing teenager.

My biggest struggle will be what is in my head.....

I know that I can and I know that I will but it's the getting there that is hard.... 

SSW :(