I'm feeling anxious.
Up until the summer of 2009, anxiety used to be a foreign feeling for me. In the Spring of 2009, I was widowed. I was executor of my ex-husband's will and was kept busy with paper work, with two jobs and with my son. Thankfully I had family and friends to help me. However, once the summer of 2009 hit and I started my holidays, something happened to me.
Everything was pretty well completed in terms of paperwork and my son and I were settling into a new routine.
Then one beautiful morning in early July, I will never forget it, I was feeling funny. I felt out of sorts. A bit dizzy, short of breath, shaky and couldn't quite settle my breathing. I am asthmatic so I thought it was an attack kicking in. I took the required asthma medication but that didn't help much. In turn, it only served to make me even more out of breath. Suddenly, I sat down on one of my steps leading into my kitchen and I said to myself 'what is happening to you'?
Then it hit me..... In theory, I knew exactly what was happening to me. I was having a panic attack! If I would not have known theoretically what was happening to me, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up in the hospital. Thankfully, once I started doing some deep breathing and such, things settled.....
Once I got my breathing under control, I needed to find the cause of this anxiety.
It took me a bit to figure it out but I finally did.....It dawned on me how angry I was at my husband for having died. How dare he leave me with a soon to be teen at the time! We had always promised each other that, despite our differences, that we would always support each other as parents for our son throughout his childhood and his teenage years. I was angry for being left alone and I was terrified at the thought of being a single parent to a teen.
Anger is one of the stages of grievance. I knew that my reaction was normal but I wasn't counting on the anxiety. Once I realized the cause of my concern, I was able get myself under control.
Although I am much better now, since that time, every once in awhile when things get to be too much in terms of.....life (for lack of a better word), the anxiety hits me. It is not a good feeling and it is one that I try to avoid through deep breathing, through exercise and through a variety of stress control.
So now we come to my dating life. I am only dating PMrR1 at the moment. We will see each other again soon and I'm sure the opportunity to talk will come up. After our talk, we may decide to pursue on the dating site and to continue seeing others or we may decide on exclusivity.
Now the point of my dating is to find a life long partner.....right?
I'm feeling good about PMrR1. I really am. I would like to have exclusivity with him and to see where things go. On the other hand, I'm having this weird and strange thought that to pursue dating others would be so much.....
Better? No.
Calmer? No.
Saner? No.
Less tiring? No.
hmmmm.... Comforting? Perhaps?
But the thing is, in my mind, I know that seeing only one person would indeed be saner, be comforting and be so much better for me. I know this intellectually, but on an emotional level it's hmmmmm, it's.....what's the word....hmmmm.....let's see.....
IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!!!! *sigh*
A sweet and dear colleague and friend of mine casually told me today that I was 'slacking in my writing'. That she was anticipating my next entry and that I hadn't written in a few days. She asked me straight out, 'what are you going to write about when you find Mr Right'?
It's a darn good question isn't it? Well I'm here to tell her and all of you that I used to wonder the same thing. But now, not so much.
Firstly, for the record, I still offically haven't found HIM, but secondly and more importantly, I think I will have to deal and write about the anxiety that is occurring with just the POTENTIAL of finding a Mr Right. Imagine how I will feel when I start to think that I DID find him?? YIKES!!
Yes, no need to fret my dear friend, I think the amount of entries in this blog is safe for awhile yet.....lol. Besides, if I run out of things to write about myself, I can always write about other's experiences... ;)
So there you have it. Something messed up is happening up there in my mind (yes, there).
I want to find a life long partner.
I want to stop the crazy multiple dating.
I want to develop a relationship with one man......
yet I'm scared of it....
I know that I will be disappointed if I have to go back to dating more than one man.
I know that I will be happy to develop a relationship with only one.
I know that.
Yet........ I'm fighting it.
Fighting it to the point of anxiety!
Arghh!!!
Breath in, breath out. I won't let the anxiety win.....
I will continue to live in the NEW comfort zone, I now know that it exists.
I will not allow myself to be scared of the unknown.....
I can and I will pursue this!
Signed, determinedly yours despite the anxiety,
SSW :)
Dear SSW, your last post brought back some memories for me. I had a challenging career, my husband left me with two teen-age sons, I lost my mother, had to raise my sons by myself. Nothing fazed me. I thought I coped well. Then my common-law spouse was diagnosed with cancer and we had to wait for doctors, tests, reports. I felt I had no control over what was happening and how fast they happened. And that's when anxiety set in, then what was diagnosed as depression.
ReplyDeleteIt is very challenging to deal with things over which we have little control. You know what you want and you are doing everything you can to achieve it. And that is good. However, you have little control if any, over the rest of it.
Patience is a virtue? No kidding.
I would like to tell you to let things unfold in their own good time. But I am probably the most impatient person I know. I get you. Keep taking deep breaths, keep exercising. Keep hoping. Keep smiling.
xx:)
Thank you..... :)
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