As I get older.....

.....it seems that 'things' or events or stressors affect me differently.  I used to rarely, if ever, be affected by such things, but now!  Holy cow!  I'm not sleeping or the little sleep that I am getting is actually consumed by nightmares and dreams and totally strange happenings.

Yes, this 45 year old perimenopausal women does have a few things going on all at once.  Between two jobs and a son and family and my personal life along with my hormonal woes (of which I will spare you the details), sleep not only seems like a waste of time it is unfortunately very elusive.

I remember a time when sleep was not such a problem no matter what was happening.

A close friend of mine who is also divorced and now remarried told me once that if you go through a seperation, that something 'breaks' in you.  Whether it be your sense of pride, your deception or just the high stress.  That you don't see life the same way anymore that you are affected by the little things on a different level.  I tend to agree with her.

I have not seen PMrR1 since I last wrote to you about him.  I have exchanged a few emails with him though and we are meeting at the end of the weekend.  We have also exchanged emails on the dating site when we happened to both be there together.  It was very odd.....

Since writing to you, I have received several emails on the dating site and already have two potential first meetings lined up.  I purposely refused them for this week because I wanted to meet with PMrR1 one more time in order to settle a few questions in my mind.  The meetings are tentatively set for next week.  I need to be clear with PMrR1 before moving on.  After this meeting, assuming that PMrR1 wants to continue dating others, I will tell him that I can't see him anymore. 

Now before any of you tell me not to write him off or to see him less but to still see him, please let me explain.  I do not want to be put in a situation where I get attached to someone only to potentially watch him leave with another woman that he has met on one of his dates.  I will not put mysef through that, no way, not going to happen!

For the record, I don't want to date others and I would prefer to continue seeing PMrR1 exclusively but.....

We will see what our next date holds, but, from experience, I don't think that much will come out of it.  I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic....

My anxiety is up and down with this.  I'm sitting here writing this and looking at my knitting....haha..   Honestly though, I'm looking forward to having this settled one way or another.

As I get older, stress and I don't mix well.  It's funny, I want a relationship and I know that it won't always be stress free, but sometimes, being single is stressful in itself.....

Arghhhh!!!!!

Signed: a slightly stressed and still not really smiling,

SSW

 

I actually looked like this today!  lol!  :)