I finally got around to checking my messages on the dating site recently. I had one interesting message from a man I met about 3 months ago. I met him once. Obviously, nothing came out of the meeting. He was nice enough, we had been chatting for quite some time before we met and he has sent me a few messages since meeting.
I found him to be depressed and he admitted to having some issues with depression. I also found him to have a complacent attitude towards dating but I didn't really think anything of it and blamed it on his depression. That was that.
So I get a message from him, asking me how things were going because I hadn't been online lately. I tell him that I have met someone and that we are going slowly. He then comments on the fact that my profile is still active. So I jokingly explain to him that I'm still waiting to meet a man that is ready to be exclusive. He replies something interesting to me. He says and I quote 'I find through your profile and through meeting you that your expectations are too high, I wasn't comfortable meeting you'. (This from a man that TRIED to kiss me three times on our first meeting).
My first comment to him was that he certainly did not give me the impression that he wasn't comfortable with me because he did ask me out again afterwards.....a second meeting that I refused. I also commented to him that I find his attitude toward dating to be blasé and very complacent. It looks like he is not expecting anything out of meeting someone. To which he replied 'I'm not expecting anything'.
I simply thanked him for his comment and stated that if I am on a dating site, it is definitely because I am expecting to find someone with whom I can develop exclusivity and a possible long term relationship. There is no way that I will allow myself to become blasé, cynical (well not completely cynical...lol) or complacent about the whole process. I pointed out to him that I could not have such high expectations because 99% of the men that I have met have made me want to run the other way.....He 'lol' at that
His comments got me thinking about several things though. I know that men and women are from two different planets. I know that we think differently and I know that we are not wired the same way when it comes to relationships. But are we that far apart? If a man on a dating site tells me that he is seeking a relationship, I expect for the most part that he is telling the truth. I've discussed the games that are being played out there already about men saying what they want and wanting what they say. However, that being said, should I drop my expectations?
Last winter sometime, I went out with someone for a tea. I was exhausted and it showed. I wasn't very enthusiastic about the meeting because of the tiredness and frankly I wasn't expecting much from the meeting. The man commented that I looked like I was sick and tired of dating. I smiled and simply said I had had a long day.
The dating world sucks (to quote some teens) at times. You have to anticipate and expect great things, but apparently you can't let it show too much or it might make men run away.
You cannot be tired or at least let it show or they will tell you that you look 'sick and tired of dating'.
You have to be sexy, pretty, smart, funny, intelligent, be on the ball, witty, go to the gym, work your ass off, have a career and be able to match a man on anything though.
But do NOT expect a possible relationship. And for goodness sakes do NOT be eager about it!!
I apologize for the sarcasm. But in my final reply to the email on the dating site I said to him that the day that I stop expecting is the day that I stop dating all together. What is the point of being on a site to find a partner if you cannot expect to have one?
I'm secure enough to know that my expectations are not off the chart. I know what I want and that is that.
In the meantime, I just came back from having dinner with PMrR1. It was a great couple of hours in our extremely busy schedule. I'm still comfortable not controlling anything and I expect (here's that dreaded word again) that we will meet again soon for yet another activity or outing.....
“An attitude of positive expectation is the mark of the superior personality.”
― Brian Tracy
So there!
Signed yours truly,
SSW :)
Monday, 13 May 2013
Thursday, 9 May 2013
The sound of silence......
It's been a quiet and pensive week for me. I'm in the process of slowly but surely losing interest in the dating site. I don't go on it anymore. I've had several new messages waiting for me and I haven't gone to look at them nor do I have the desire to do so at this point. I will eventually but for now I don't seem to care.
So what is happening? I don't know.... I'm quiet and I'm pensive as to why things are so quiet within me. I really don't want to think that I'm so interested in PMrR1 that I would suddenly stop wanting to even check out the dating site. I don't think that it's the reason? I don't see PMrR1 often. On average once a week maybe. We communicate a little bit more than that, but nothing overboard. It's a slow pace and that's ok.....
I have lots going on in my life. Professionally things are a bit on the wild side these days...non stop everything! Personally, lots of renovations in my home are causing quite the chaos but my son and I are adapting to it. It is a pain to be in the middle of the renovations but it's for a better cause. I have to think of the results!
It's funny, the title of my blog is the sound of silence but between the non stop activities and action at work and between the noise of work tools and the in and out in my house with the work being done, there is no silence at all around me.
Yet, I feel quiet.
I feel like there is no noise within me. I'm not too sure how to explain it.
Even the files have shut up completely. It's as if they are comfortably sleeping, all three of them, cuddled up together. No one is peeking around, no one is nervous, no one is complacent, they are just there..... Weird weird weird.
I guess I could say that I feel like some renovations have been done and are still being done within me. I've learnt to trust, I've learnt that true romance exists and I've confirmed that my instinct is working well.
At the moment, I'm learning to let go of control. To stop controlling the outcome of what will happen in my dating world. I was chatting with a dear friend on the phone this week and we were talking about how I was letting things be with PMrR1. That I was adapting to his pace. She chuckled and pointed out that I've 'dumped' men for far lesser reasons than them needing time. I think she was impressed with me :)
I get the feeling again that I'm in the process of learning something else. I'm not sure what though. It's something comforting, of that I am sure. It's something good, it's not making me panic. It simply is happening...whatever it is.
Perhaps it's the realization that it's ok to not try to control the outcome of some things? Perhaps I'm seeing how exhausting it was for me to always be on guard and to always try to control the outcome of a new relationship?
The renovations that are being done within me are also for the better, of that I am convinced....
I'm not saying I'm waiting for PMrR1. I'm saying I'm comfortable right now. I'm discovering how truly tired I was with all the dating I had been doing. Much more tired than what I originally thought.
Will I date someone else again? Time will tell but right now, it's not on my things to do list....No, I'm not deleting my dating profile, I'm just trusting my instinct right now.....
Signed peacefully yours,
SSW :)
Sunday, 5 May 2013
My papa
I thought about my father a lot this weekend. It was the anniversary of his passing. It has been 26 long years since I've set eyes on him. I had a bit of time to reflect on my father and on his life over the last few days.
If you remember, way back at the beginning of this blog, I wrote and entry describing my childhood and my perception of my father. He was a solid and steady man plagued by an awful disease that paralyzed him from neck to toe. By the time he passed away, his vocal cords were giving up on him. Multiple Sclerosis had taken control of my father's life.
I got thinking about my papa and the subject of control over the weekend. I was a bit embarrassed to realize that I've been having a tantrum over my perception of control when truly, I don't have a clue what it is to give up total control.
Not only had my papa lost his physical control, I'm pretty sure he felt that he had lost control over his life up to a certain degree....
The control he did have, was probably from the knowledge that his faithful and beautiful wife, my mother, was taking care of things. In a way, it must have made him feel so much better to know that at least she was there.....
Ironically, here I am, his youngest child (his baby as he used to call me) struggling with control. Control over my fears, my anxiety and my need to stop controlling the outcome of some situations.
I can just imagine my dad looking at me with his intense eyes and not saying one word in order to convey his message to me. I'm pretty sure he would understand the control issue (I didn't fall that far from the tree) but I'm also quite certain that he would help me put it in perspective by encouraging me to be patient. How would he do that? By just being him. Papa would sit or lie down for hours and hours and hours.....for the last several years of his life that is all he did because that was all he could do....talk about giving up control....
My memories of him over the last few days have in fact already helped me in digging deeper for patience. Papa did what he could for himself and for others. He was a patient advocate at our local hospital up until he passed away..... He made lemonade with the lemons that were thrown at him....He kept his mind, the one part of him that was still working well, by keeping himself busy. I remember once entering his room for a visit and the first thing he told me was the number of little pinholes that were all over the multiple tiles on the ceiling. He had counted them....
I need to take my own lemons that are presenting themselves as the need to control, the anxiety and the fear and I need to turn them into something positive. Oh I am on the right track. I'm learning and I'm developing patience, but I need to dig deeper and to really learn to control the things that I can control, the things that are good for me to control and to let the rest be.....
It would NOT be good for me to control the outcome with PMrR1 right now. I know that. I've accepted to give him time and I need to get over it and in fact, just give him time.
I've proven to myself that I'm not a wimp when it comes to still being able to control though. I've given the final farewell to Mr Earring who accepted it like a gentleman.
My evening with PMrR1 a few nights ago was so great. It was simple and comfortable and I felt like a teenager out on a date. Time flew by and we enjoyed each other's company.
It was so comfortable that I felt awkward going out for an afternoon drink with Mr Earring the next day. He was kind and respectful as always, but on my part, something was gone. He asked me out for that same evening and I refused. I told him that I did not want to mislead him and that I didn't think that we should see each other again. We wished each other luck.....
So now I sit here writing this to you. I still don't know what will happen with PMrR1. All I do know is that I've promised myself to let go of the control and to be patient and to wait and see. I'm having a hard time with it because I want it to be settled NOW! But then I give my head a shake and think of papa. How many times in his life would he have wished to have better control over the outcome of his own life?
I'm realizing that this control that I'm struggling with is in fact important but if I put it in perspective, it is actually only a small part of my life. I have control over pretty much everything else in life as opposed to my dad who had no control whatsoever over anything except his thoughts and his dignity.
Papa was a man of honour and nothing ever changed that for him. I need to remain true to myself in order to possibly make things better for me in one aspect of my life. I need to let go of what I said I would and to honour myself enough to be patient through it.
If anything, I can definitely do this in memory of my dad. What will I get in return if I can control my need for control? If I can develop and persist in my patience? I will feel proud and I will feel like I've proven that I can do something that is very difficult for me. I will never ever wonder 'what if' when it comes to PMrR1.
More importantly though, I stand the chance of possibly developing something wonderful with a man, that is in many ways a stand up man, just like my father was......despite him never being able to physically stand up....
There are in fact more important ways to stand up.... my papa taught me that.....
Signed: my father's daughter..... SSW :)
If you remember, way back at the beginning of this blog, I wrote and entry describing my childhood and my perception of my father. He was a solid and steady man plagued by an awful disease that paralyzed him from neck to toe. By the time he passed away, his vocal cords were giving up on him. Multiple Sclerosis had taken control of my father's life.
I got thinking about my papa and the subject of control over the weekend. I was a bit embarrassed to realize that I've been having a tantrum over my perception of control when truly, I don't have a clue what it is to give up total control.
Not only had my papa lost his physical control, I'm pretty sure he felt that he had lost control over his life up to a certain degree....
The control he did have, was probably from the knowledge that his faithful and beautiful wife, my mother, was taking care of things. In a way, it must have made him feel so much better to know that at least she was there.....
Ironically, here I am, his youngest child (his baby as he used to call me) struggling with control. Control over my fears, my anxiety and my need to stop controlling the outcome of some situations.
I can just imagine my dad looking at me with his intense eyes and not saying one word in order to convey his message to me. I'm pretty sure he would understand the control issue (I didn't fall that far from the tree) but I'm also quite certain that he would help me put it in perspective by encouraging me to be patient. How would he do that? By just being him. Papa would sit or lie down for hours and hours and hours.....for the last several years of his life that is all he did because that was all he could do....talk about giving up control....
My memories of him over the last few days have in fact already helped me in digging deeper for patience. Papa did what he could for himself and for others. He was a patient advocate at our local hospital up until he passed away..... He made lemonade with the lemons that were thrown at him....He kept his mind, the one part of him that was still working well, by keeping himself busy. I remember once entering his room for a visit and the first thing he told me was the number of little pinholes that were all over the multiple tiles on the ceiling. He had counted them....
I need to take my own lemons that are presenting themselves as the need to control, the anxiety and the fear and I need to turn them into something positive. Oh I am on the right track. I'm learning and I'm developing patience, but I need to dig deeper and to really learn to control the things that I can control, the things that are good for me to control and to let the rest be.....
It would NOT be good for me to control the outcome with PMrR1 right now. I know that. I've accepted to give him time and I need to get over it and in fact, just give him time.
I've proven to myself that I'm not a wimp when it comes to still being able to control though. I've given the final farewell to Mr Earring who accepted it like a gentleman.
My evening with PMrR1 a few nights ago was so great. It was simple and comfortable and I felt like a teenager out on a date. Time flew by and we enjoyed each other's company.
It was so comfortable that I felt awkward going out for an afternoon drink with Mr Earring the next day. He was kind and respectful as always, but on my part, something was gone. He asked me out for that same evening and I refused. I told him that I did not want to mislead him and that I didn't think that we should see each other again. We wished each other luck.....
So now I sit here writing this to you. I still don't know what will happen with PMrR1. All I do know is that I've promised myself to let go of the control and to be patient and to wait and see. I'm having a hard time with it because I want it to be settled NOW! But then I give my head a shake and think of papa. How many times in his life would he have wished to have better control over the outcome of his own life?
I'm realizing that this control that I'm struggling with is in fact important but if I put it in perspective, it is actually only a small part of my life. I have control over pretty much everything else in life as opposed to my dad who had no control whatsoever over anything except his thoughts and his dignity.
Papa was a man of honour and nothing ever changed that for him. I need to remain true to myself in order to possibly make things better for me in one aspect of my life. I need to let go of what I said I would and to honour myself enough to be patient through it.
If anything, I can definitely do this in memory of my dad. What will I get in return if I can control my need for control? If I can develop and persist in my patience? I will feel proud and I will feel like I've proven that I can do something that is very difficult for me. I will never ever wonder 'what if' when it comes to PMrR1.
More importantly though, I stand the chance of possibly developing something wonderful with a man, that is in many ways a stand up man, just like my father was......despite him never being able to physically stand up....
There are in fact more important ways to stand up.... my papa taught me that.....
Signed: my father's daughter..... SSW :)
Friday, 3 May 2013
Free falling
I have a long list of things I want to do in life. My bucket list if you wish! I want to travel Europe, I want to race in a Nascar stock car, I want to do an African safari and amongst others, I would like to do some sky diving. The free fall feeling must be incredible!!
I'm getting a bit of a free fall feeling experience with the emotional ride I am on at the moment. No sense of control over what will happen with PMrR1. It's a new experience for me. As you all know, I sort of like to get a sense of what will happen in some situations. If you remember, I've described to you how I used to unwrap some Christmas gifts from under the tree before Christmas when I was a little girl. I sometimes read ahead in a book just to see what will happen. But in this dating world with PMrR1, I've decided to not try to control anything. To not walk away because I can't control it. I have a time limit in my mind though and I am giving it an honest go at it.
The free falling experience from this is a bit of an eye opener. I'm actually doing a lot better than what I thought I would. I'm slowly but surely learning to control the anxiety and sometimes, although it does not happen often, I do not feel anxious at all..... My sleep is not the best though but I've never been the best of sleepers. I have to admit that when I do sleep, I dream and dream and dream. Freud would indeed have a field day with me.....HA!
What else am I learning? I'm learning to pace myself. I'm learning to go slow. I'm forcing myself to go out with others even if I just want to kick back and 'wait and see' what happens. Waiting would not be good for me for now so I date.
Who am I dating? Well, after being told by Mr Earring that he would prefer to not see me because he doesn't want to lose me, he apparently changed his mind and asked me out again for an afternoon meeting. I agreed. After this outing, I will see how 'serious' he is and I will definitely not see him again if I don't feel comfortable with his intentions. I WILL control the outcome with Mr Earring.... my goal is not to hurt anyone...especially not myself.
I just want to keep a casual approach to dating for now.
I just heard you all say 'YEAH RIGHT' to that comment. lol. Let me rephrase. I'm TRYING to keep a casual approach to dating ...... I'm really trying to enjoy the moment and to not worry about controlling the future!
I'm seeing PMrR1 tonight! I'm looking forward to it....
I will keep you posted as to how both outings go...the one with PMrR1 and the one with Mr Earring!
Yours in a free fall!
SSW :)
I'm getting a bit of a free fall feeling experience with the emotional ride I am on at the moment. No sense of control over what will happen with PMrR1. It's a new experience for me. As you all know, I sort of like to get a sense of what will happen in some situations. If you remember, I've described to you how I used to unwrap some Christmas gifts from under the tree before Christmas when I was a little girl. I sometimes read ahead in a book just to see what will happen. But in this dating world with PMrR1, I've decided to not try to control anything. To not walk away because I can't control it. I have a time limit in my mind though and I am giving it an honest go at it.
The free falling experience from this is a bit of an eye opener. I'm actually doing a lot better than what I thought I would. I'm slowly but surely learning to control the anxiety and sometimes, although it does not happen often, I do not feel anxious at all..... My sleep is not the best though but I've never been the best of sleepers. I have to admit that when I do sleep, I dream and dream and dream. Freud would indeed have a field day with me.....HA!
What else am I learning? I'm learning to pace myself. I'm learning to go slow. I'm forcing myself to go out with others even if I just want to kick back and 'wait and see' what happens. Waiting would not be good for me for now so I date.
Who am I dating? Well, after being told by Mr Earring that he would prefer to not see me because he doesn't want to lose me, he apparently changed his mind and asked me out again for an afternoon meeting. I agreed. After this outing, I will see how 'serious' he is and I will definitely not see him again if I don't feel comfortable with his intentions. I WILL control the outcome with Mr Earring.... my goal is not to hurt anyone...especially not myself.
I just want to keep a casual approach to dating for now.
I just heard you all say 'YEAH RIGHT' to that comment. lol. Let me rephrase. I'm TRYING to keep a casual approach to dating ...... I'm really trying to enjoy the moment and to not worry about controlling the future!
I'm seeing PMrR1 tonight! I'm looking forward to it....
I will keep you posted as to how both outings go...the one with PMrR1 and the one with Mr Earring!
Yours in a free fall!
SSW :)
Monday, 29 April 2013
Geometry
I was a pretty good student in high school. Like most people, I had my strengths and my weaknesses. I was pretty strong in social sciences but had to work harder in natural sciences. The one class I was absolutely horrible at was math class. More specifically the dreaded geometry class! Do you want to spell disaster! I was reduced to tears on most of my homework assignments in geometry. It was a total nightmare.....
I've since concluded that I have a perception problem. A problem that has never been officially diagnosed but I consider myself to be qualified enough in my own life and in my own perceptions to diagnose myself with a problem in perception. If you don't believe that I have this problem, stick me in a new city (or sometimes even in my own city) and ask me to get to point B from point A. I will get so lost, it won't be funny...
What is funny though is my fascination with geometry; the perfect lines, the right angles, the perfect never ending circles, the sometimes skewed lines that always somehow end up in a perfect pattern or designs.
I'm in awe with geometry and am usually attracted enough to it to observe and to watch it all around me. In fact, when I get stressed or when I have to think a lot, I draw circles. Sometimes I draw squares. My colleagues know for a fact when I'm either stressed or thinking. I have little note pads of perfectly shaped circles and/or squares all over the place in my office....
It's not all far fetched though. We have geometry everywhere when you think of it. We have lines guiding us on our roads, we have some roundabouts, we have triangles to depict some sewing patterns and such. We have the circle of life or the square root of numbers. In our celestial sphere we have imaginary lines depicting the latitude and the longitude. In physics we have 'A geometric theory of everything' where 'deep down, the particles and forces of the universe are a manifestation of exquisite geometry' (Lisi and Weatherall). This is just to name a few.
Oh yes, geometry leads the way it seems......
........ even in relationships.....
Now as you all know, I've been going around in circles for a bit with PMrR1. I've been spinning in this dating world. I'm no square and I'm no stranger to the dating world. But now, it seems that I've just gotten myself into a triangle!
Yes, at the age of 45, SSW is in her own little geometric world. A world that, ironically she cannot perceive well, but nevertheless is now thrown fully into it. So perception difficulties or not, I have to stop going around in circles and perhaps start looking into a straighter linear way.
I saw PMrR1 last night. We had a long talk. We agreed to continue seeing each other and to take it very slow. I have decided to swallow my fears, to let go of the controls and to let it be. Yes, you are reading this right, there are no guidelines at the moment with PMrR1. I feel out of bounds and out of my circle of control. In my eyes though, PMrR1 is worth it.....for now.....
Before any of you mention it, I know that I am saying the opposite of what it is I have said in my other entries and in my replies to the comments in those entries. I did state that I was NOT going to wait and maybe watch him leave with someone else, that I was NOT going to take that chance. Well it seems that I've changed my mind for now. I think you can all conclude that I see something pretty great in PMrR1. I'm swallowing my fears and my state of growing panic (when I think of it too much) and I'm letting go of the controls. It's a free fall ride at the moment....
Now you may all say that this is great! Yes, truly it really is great. I feel like I'm discovering new areas of life, uncharted territory if you wish, with my own feelings and my own experiences in the dating jungle.
Thing is Mr Earring wanted to know how my date had gone with PMrR1. You see, Mr Earring was very intense. I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that he was really into me. I was avoiding that gaze, not wanting to mislead him because, as mentioned in my other posts, I didn't feel like we had so much in common. I was also honest with him and told him I was seeing someone else.
After I shared my decision with Mr Earring that I was going to continue dating and not get serious with anyone, he announced that he was looking for exclusivity with me. That he knew that I was 'the one' for him and that a man either wants you or he doesn't want you. Funny thing is, those were my exact words to PMrR1 (except Mr Earring didn't know that).
So now, I would like exclusivity with PMrR1 but, for a variety of reasons that I have accepted for now, he is taking it slower. I don't want exclusivity with Mr Earring but he wants it with me.
Ah yes, there you have it, a love triangle. At the moment, my dating life feels like a soap opera..... 'As the world turns'.....turning like a circle and making my stomach turn and my head spin if I think of it too much
Just so you know, I'm completely comfortable in taking my time and letting it be for now with PMrR1. It won't be forever though. PMrR1 knows that.
Mr Earring does not want to see me again until I settle things with PMrR1. I suggested to Mr Earring that we continue to date and to see what happens. He replied that he knows what he wants and he does not want to take the chance of losing me down the road.
I said the same thing to PMrR1....the only difference is that I AM taking the chance. I figure at one point, you have to take chances right? Right???? I'm doing the right thing RIGHT???? (someone please answer me).
How the hell did I get stuck into this complex geometric conundrum. I feel like I'm walking around in a circle trying to get out of a triangle. Maybe I am a square after all because I don't know a lot of people that go through this.....
Once, someone said to me that they were walking around in circles. I jokingly replied 'maybe you should try walking around in squares, change your perception of things a little bit.... ' Not that bad of an idea eh?
'The human heart likes a little disorder in its geometry'. (Louis de Bernieres)
To Mr Louis de Bernieres I say 'HA'!!!
Signed yours truly, trapped in her own little geometrically complicated love life....
SSW :)
P.S. If I think about it too much I actually laugh out loud......
I've since concluded that I have a perception problem. A problem that has never been officially diagnosed but I consider myself to be qualified enough in my own life and in my own perceptions to diagnose myself with a problem in perception. If you don't believe that I have this problem, stick me in a new city (or sometimes even in my own city) and ask me to get to point B from point A. I will get so lost, it won't be funny...
What is funny though is my fascination with geometry; the perfect lines, the right angles, the perfect never ending circles, the sometimes skewed lines that always somehow end up in a perfect pattern or designs.
I'm in awe with geometry and am usually attracted enough to it to observe and to watch it all around me. In fact, when I get stressed or when I have to think a lot, I draw circles. Sometimes I draw squares. My colleagues know for a fact when I'm either stressed or thinking. I have little note pads of perfectly shaped circles and/or squares all over the place in my office....
It's not all far fetched though. We have geometry everywhere when you think of it. We have lines guiding us on our roads, we have some roundabouts, we have triangles to depict some sewing patterns and such. We have the circle of life or the square root of numbers. In our celestial sphere we have imaginary lines depicting the latitude and the longitude. In physics we have 'A geometric theory of everything' where 'deep down, the particles and forces of the universe are a manifestation of exquisite geometry' (Lisi and Weatherall). This is just to name a few.
Oh yes, geometry leads the way it seems......
........ even in relationships.....
Now as you all know, I've been going around in circles for a bit with PMrR1. I've been spinning in this dating world. I'm no square and I'm no stranger to the dating world. But now, it seems that I've just gotten myself into a triangle!
Yes, at the age of 45, SSW is in her own little geometric world. A world that, ironically she cannot perceive well, but nevertheless is now thrown fully into it. So perception difficulties or not, I have to stop going around in circles and perhaps start looking into a straighter linear way.
I saw PMrR1 last night. We had a long talk. We agreed to continue seeing each other and to take it very slow. I have decided to swallow my fears, to let go of the controls and to let it be. Yes, you are reading this right, there are no guidelines at the moment with PMrR1. I feel out of bounds and out of my circle of control. In my eyes though, PMrR1 is worth it.....for now.....
Before any of you mention it, I know that I am saying the opposite of what it is I have said in my other entries and in my replies to the comments in those entries. I did state that I was NOT going to wait and maybe watch him leave with someone else, that I was NOT going to take that chance. Well it seems that I've changed my mind for now. I think you can all conclude that I see something pretty great in PMrR1. I'm swallowing my fears and my state of growing panic (when I think of it too much) and I'm letting go of the controls. It's a free fall ride at the moment....
Now you may all say that this is great! Yes, truly it really is great. I feel like I'm discovering new areas of life, uncharted territory if you wish, with my own feelings and my own experiences in the dating jungle.
Thing is Mr Earring wanted to know how my date had gone with PMrR1. You see, Mr Earring was very intense. I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that he was really into me. I was avoiding that gaze, not wanting to mislead him because, as mentioned in my other posts, I didn't feel like we had so much in common. I was also honest with him and told him I was seeing someone else.
After I shared my decision with Mr Earring that I was going to continue dating and not get serious with anyone, he announced that he was looking for exclusivity with me. That he knew that I was 'the one' for him and that a man either wants you or he doesn't want you. Funny thing is, those were my exact words to PMrR1 (except Mr Earring didn't know that).
So now, I would like exclusivity with PMrR1 but, for a variety of reasons that I have accepted for now, he is taking it slower. I don't want exclusivity with Mr Earring but he wants it with me.
Ah yes, there you have it, a love triangle. At the moment, my dating life feels like a soap opera..... 'As the world turns'.....turning like a circle and making my stomach turn and my head spin if I think of it too much
Just so you know, I'm completely comfortable in taking my time and letting it be for now with PMrR1. It won't be forever though. PMrR1 knows that.
Mr Earring does not want to see me again until I settle things with PMrR1. I suggested to Mr Earring that we continue to date and to see what happens. He replied that he knows what he wants and he does not want to take the chance of losing me down the road.
I said the same thing to PMrR1....the only difference is that I AM taking the chance. I figure at one point, you have to take chances right? Right???? I'm doing the right thing RIGHT???? (someone please answer me).
How the hell did I get stuck into this complex geometric conundrum. I feel like I'm walking around in a circle trying to get out of a triangle. Maybe I am a square after all because I don't know a lot of people that go through this.....
Once, someone said to me that they were walking around in circles. I jokingly replied 'maybe you should try walking around in squares, change your perception of things a little bit.... ' Not that bad of an idea eh?
'The human heart likes a little disorder in its geometry'. (Louis de Bernieres)
To Mr Louis de Bernieres I say 'HA'!!!
Signed yours truly, trapped in her own little geometrically complicated love life....
SSW :)
P.S. If I think about it too much I actually laugh out loud......
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Voices from the past, words about the present and thoughts of the future
No, I'm not starting to hear voices, but I've had a few days of memory lane on the dating site.
I heard from Mr Handsome (the 56 year old depressed man I introduced to you in my entry 'Ding Dong the bells are ringing'). He is now considering a homosexual relationship. He apparently always thought that he was bisexual anyways so why not try it. Hey, who am I to argue?
I heard from Mr 2G2BT, he was wondering how things were going.
I heard from PMrR2 (much to my surprise, I thought he had fallen off the face of the earth). I asked him what had happened?? He replied 'you're a very very nice woman, the nicest one I've ever met, it's all me, it's not you'. For the record, I didn't bother analyzing that comment..... He's right though, it is his problem and not mine.
I heard from Mr Dangerous (the dangerously sexy man I introduced to you in my entry 'Dangerous lascivious thoughts').
Hearing from these people from my not so long ago outings has confirmed a couple of things. Not only did I do the right thing to 'drop and forget' them, it has also affirmed that I have in fact come a long way in a few aspects.
I'm learning every day to not control but to stay on guard. I've learnt to trust myself and to completely trust my instinct. Big strides indeed!
I had an outing with Mr Earring again this week. Nice gentle soul of a man. It was raining when we met. As soon as I opened my car door at the restaurant, he was there with an umbrella. That to me was very gentlemanly, very gallant and somewhat romantic. He did not expect anything in return. Mind you it was only our second outing, but still....I was impressed!
Mr Earring is funny, very intelligent and very 'deep' in his thoughts. He is quite interesting and I enjoy our conversations. I can tell by his intense looks that he is very much into me and I'm trying to avoid returning that gaze so that I do not mislead him. I am not sure yet if I should see him again (so that in fact I do not mislead him). I don't feel like we have enough in common, yet, paradoxically, we manage, so far, to find something to talk about..... and laugh, we laugh a lot together. I have to decide what to do soon......
PMrR1 is part of the reason that I'm having trouble deciding what to do with Mr Earring. I guess you all figured that out. Things are quiet on the PMrR1 front. Granted that it is an unusually busy time for him at work but I still say that if a man wants to see me, he will make the effort to do so no matter how busy he is. The less I see of him the more I lose interest.....
I'm supposed to see him again in the next few days for dinner. This has yet to be confirmed. This lack of contact is slowly but surely confirming that I should break all ties with him. If I continue to see him once in awhile, it will only serve to 'tease' me.....and for what? To possibly watch him leave with someone else? Again, I will not let that happen....... There is letting go of the control and then there is protecting myself....
So I'm waiting to see what happens with PMrR1. I'm trying really hard not to let my thoughts of him influence my decision to see Mr Earring again or not. I have to decide soon because Mr Earring is on the verge of asking me out again.
My anxiety level is up again. Yes I've let go of some control with PMrR1 but I hate having things up in the air. I know I just have to let it be and I am learning......slowly but surely.
Funny thing happened on my second outing with Mr Earring......I didn't even notice the earring...... go figure!
Deep breath in, deep breath out. I'm in control of myself. I'm the only one that I can control and I'm the only one responsible for controlling myself.
I am looking forward to see what the future holds.......
Signed a deep-breathing and smiling,
SSW :)
I heard from Mr Handsome (the 56 year old depressed man I introduced to you in my entry 'Ding Dong the bells are ringing'). He is now considering a homosexual relationship. He apparently always thought that he was bisexual anyways so why not try it. Hey, who am I to argue?
I heard from Mr 2G2BT, he was wondering how things were going.
I heard from PMrR2 (much to my surprise, I thought he had fallen off the face of the earth). I asked him what had happened?? He replied 'you're a very very nice woman, the nicest one I've ever met, it's all me, it's not you'. For the record, I didn't bother analyzing that comment..... He's right though, it is his problem and not mine.
I heard from Mr Dangerous (the dangerously sexy man I introduced to you in my entry 'Dangerous lascivious thoughts').
Hearing from these people from my not so long ago outings has confirmed a couple of things. Not only did I do the right thing to 'drop and forget' them, it has also affirmed that I have in fact come a long way in a few aspects.
I'm learning every day to not control but to stay on guard. I've learnt to trust myself and to completely trust my instinct. Big strides indeed!
I had an outing with Mr Earring again this week. Nice gentle soul of a man. It was raining when we met. As soon as I opened my car door at the restaurant, he was there with an umbrella. That to me was very gentlemanly, very gallant and somewhat romantic. He did not expect anything in return. Mind you it was only our second outing, but still....I was impressed!
Mr Earring is funny, very intelligent and very 'deep' in his thoughts. He is quite interesting and I enjoy our conversations. I can tell by his intense looks that he is very much into me and I'm trying to avoid returning that gaze so that I do not mislead him. I am not sure yet if I should see him again (so that in fact I do not mislead him). I don't feel like we have enough in common, yet, paradoxically, we manage, so far, to find something to talk about..... and laugh, we laugh a lot together. I have to decide what to do soon......
PMrR1 is part of the reason that I'm having trouble deciding what to do with Mr Earring. I guess you all figured that out. Things are quiet on the PMrR1 front. Granted that it is an unusually busy time for him at work but I still say that if a man wants to see me, he will make the effort to do so no matter how busy he is. The less I see of him the more I lose interest.....
I'm supposed to see him again in the next few days for dinner. This has yet to be confirmed. This lack of contact is slowly but surely confirming that I should break all ties with him. If I continue to see him once in awhile, it will only serve to 'tease' me.....and for what? To possibly watch him leave with someone else? Again, I will not let that happen....... There is letting go of the control and then there is protecting myself....
So I'm waiting to see what happens with PMrR1. I'm trying really hard not to let my thoughts of him influence my decision to see Mr Earring again or not. I have to decide soon because Mr Earring is on the verge of asking me out again.
My anxiety level is up again. Yes I've let go of some control with PMrR1 but I hate having things up in the air. I know I just have to let it be and I am learning......slowly but surely.
Funny thing happened on my second outing with Mr Earring......I didn't even notice the earring...... go figure!
Deep breath in, deep breath out. I'm in control of myself. I'm the only one that I can control and I'm the only one responsible for controlling myself.
I am looking forward to see what the future holds.......
Signed a deep-breathing and smiling,
SSW :)
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Back in the game......
......and what a game it is!
I've been doing ok. Trying not to think too much about my decision to not control things with PMrR1. I've actually been ok with it. There is a sense of 'que sera sera' with the whole thing.
But in the meantime, I'm back in it.....the dating game that is.....
I met Mr Earring last night. Now you may think that it's a strange name to give a man and I would agree with you. Thing is, as open minded as I am, I cannot stand earrings on a man. I'm not sure why??? I also don't like long hair on a man (long hair that Mr Earring apparently just cut).
Call me old fashioned or closed minded (which I'm not usually) but those are my pet peeves in men's fashion. Ok, I won't talk about his grey shirt and beige pants (interesting colour combination) but the earring.... ugh!!!
No, I will not evaluate my outing with him based on his earring. This shy, quiet, funny, playful, smart, sensitive, gentle artist is the total and complete opposite of me. We basically do not share anything in terms of interests or of things to talk about but, the funny thing is, we managed just fine. We spent 1.5 hours talking and the time went by quickly.
Mr Earring asked me out again and I agreed to another outing. My deep down instinct is telling me that it won't go very far with him. We truly do not have enough in common but I will give it another chance.
Early this afternoon, I met up with Mr Sickly. No, I'm not being mean and I was very sensitive to his plight but I seriously think that Mr Sickly needs to deal with his health issues before going out into the dating scene.
He just finished battling cancer, has celiac disease, cannot eat most foods (I'm sadly not kidding) and cannot work. He has undiagnosed problems with his immune system and I'm not even going to enumerate the developmental, physical and behavioral issues with his two very young sons! YIKES! Not to be mean but.....hmmmm, no thank you!
So my next planned outing is with Mr Earring in a few days. After that I have an outing planned with PMrR1 in one week from today.
The dating can sure be a game..... while writing this to you, I got a message on my dating profile from Mr BS. He doesn't remember me from about 10 years ago (remember my weight loss) but I remember him because he went out with a friend of mine back then. Mr BS was full of it! Not only was he having very strange sexual activities with a male dwarf (I kid you not) but he is also full of venereal disease. Now of course, I'm not judging dwarves and I'm not judging homosexuality and I'm not judging homosexual dwarves (to cover all the bases here) and I'm also not judging vd....... BUT, please be honest Mr BS in your presentation of yourself....... *sigh*.
Yes, I'm back in the game...... sometimes when I think about it too much I get scared and want to run away. But then I think of men like PMrR1 and I realize that the good guys do exist...... so I patiently wait and see. The only thing I can control is myself so I strive to do that.....
I will be fine at the end of this. I will be and still am happy with life. I think that the biggest reason why I'm still 'fine' or still happy despite this game is that I'm not lowering my standards. I'm not settling for anything less than what I know I want and deserve. Yes, of course I'd love to find someone with whom I can share life but if I don't find him, so be it.
All and all, life is good and I'm happy with myself! Believe me when I say that at the very end, this is the important stuff..... I'd rather be happy and alone than miserable and in a couple.....
signed a slightly philosophical yet truly satisfied and happy,
SSW :)
I've been doing ok. Trying not to think too much about my decision to not control things with PMrR1. I've actually been ok with it. There is a sense of 'que sera sera' with the whole thing.
But in the meantime, I'm back in it.....the dating game that is.....
I met Mr Earring last night. Now you may think that it's a strange name to give a man and I would agree with you. Thing is, as open minded as I am, I cannot stand earrings on a man. I'm not sure why??? I also don't like long hair on a man (long hair that Mr Earring apparently just cut).
Call me old fashioned or closed minded (which I'm not usually) but those are my pet peeves in men's fashion. Ok, I won't talk about his grey shirt and beige pants (interesting colour combination) but the earring.... ugh!!!
No, I will not evaluate my outing with him based on his earring. This shy, quiet, funny, playful, smart, sensitive, gentle artist is the total and complete opposite of me. We basically do not share anything in terms of interests or of things to talk about but, the funny thing is, we managed just fine. We spent 1.5 hours talking and the time went by quickly.
Mr Earring asked me out again and I agreed to another outing. My deep down instinct is telling me that it won't go very far with him. We truly do not have enough in common but I will give it another chance.
Early this afternoon, I met up with Mr Sickly. No, I'm not being mean and I was very sensitive to his plight but I seriously think that Mr Sickly needs to deal with his health issues before going out into the dating scene.
He just finished battling cancer, has celiac disease, cannot eat most foods (I'm sadly not kidding) and cannot work. He has undiagnosed problems with his immune system and I'm not even going to enumerate the developmental, physical and behavioral issues with his two very young sons! YIKES! Not to be mean but.....hmmmm, no thank you!
So my next planned outing is with Mr Earring in a few days. After that I have an outing planned with PMrR1 in one week from today.
The dating can sure be a game..... while writing this to you, I got a message on my dating profile from Mr BS. He doesn't remember me from about 10 years ago (remember my weight loss) but I remember him because he went out with a friend of mine back then. Mr BS was full of it! Not only was he having very strange sexual activities with a male dwarf (I kid you not) but he is also full of venereal disease. Now of course, I'm not judging dwarves and I'm not judging homosexuality and I'm not judging homosexual dwarves (to cover all the bases here) and I'm also not judging vd....... BUT, please be honest Mr BS in your presentation of yourself....... *sigh*.
Yes, I'm back in the game...... sometimes when I think about it too much I get scared and want to run away. But then I think of men like PMrR1 and I realize that the good guys do exist...... so I patiently wait and see. The only thing I can control is myself so I strive to do that.....
I will be fine at the end of this. I will be and still am happy with life. I think that the biggest reason why I'm still 'fine' or still happy despite this game is that I'm not lowering my standards. I'm not settling for anything less than what I know I want and deserve. Yes, of course I'd love to find someone with whom I can share life but if I don't find him, so be it.
All and all, life is good and I'm happy with myself! Believe me when I say that at the very end, this is the important stuff..... I'd rather be happy and alone than miserable and in a couple.....
signed a slightly philosophical yet truly satisfied and happy,
SSW :)
lolol!! :)
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