A poem for you

I don't know what to write about
I'm really in a rut
I'm not dating or going out
Just feeling bad in my gut

Trying to decide what to do
Be social and smile through it all?
Or will knitting slippers have to do?
Either way, feels I like I dropped the ball

Am discouraged and tired, but alas
Not sure what else to think
Got a hold of my wine glass
Will now pour myself a drink

 

Energy is low, cause I am sad
Things will look up one day
Will be good and not so bad
I'm not sure what else to say

I need a topic to write about
Something you'd like to hear
Give me ideas or a shout out
About love, life or fears

I don't know what to write about
I'm really in a rut
I'm not dating or going out
Just feeling bad in my gut

Apparently I'm a poet and don't know it.....

SSW :)

Do I give it time or not?

I wanted to write a bit of an update. 

PMrR1 and I have been exchanging emails.  We are communicating.  We have differences in perceptions it seems but at the very least we have openly communicated about them.

We have agreed to not communicate for the next month or so and give it time.  Then perhaps spend some time together as friends.

Did you notice I wrote 'friends'.  I'm perceiving fear in PMrR1 but I may be wrong.  For now, if I want him in my life, I will have to not only give it time (lots of time) but not cross the 'friend' line for the time being.

Thing is, we have not crossed that 'friend' line in my eyes but he seems to think that we are.  He is not clear as to why he feels that and frankly, nor am I.

We both agree that we have an extraordinary connection.  He wants to maintain a 'friendship' in the future.  I'm not so sure I'll be able to leave it at 'friends' only so what will be the point?  Honestly, I don't think that he will be able to leave it at 'friends' only either.  I truly don't.....this is why I think he is scared.

I have been single for much longer than PMrR1, perhaps that is playing on both our minds.  He still has a few things that need to be settled on a personal level.

For now, I obviously don't have a choice but to let this be and to take it as it comes.  As of today, June 2nd, I don't know if I will want to see him again at the end of the month.  I really don't.  In fact, he says he does right now, but I'm not so sure he will want to see me at the end of the month either.

I also have to decide if I will get back to dating others.  I don't want to.  I truly deep down don't want to.  I'm tired and don't feel like I have the energy to do so.  Part of me feels like I should though.  That it will be emotionally safer for me to go out with others. 

You all know that I don't want just a friendship, but I don't know if it will ever escalate to more with PMrR1.  I don't know if I should wait around to see or just throw it away and start fresh in awhile. 

I know that the connection that we have is the basis for a great relationship but if a relationship is not wanted or perceived by the other person, what is the point?  Will he ever allow himself to push through that fear?  Do I wait and see?  Will I be wasting my time if I do that? 

At this moment, as I'm writing this, I think I will give it the month of June and see.  Thing is, in a few minutes, I may be thinking that it's better to get back online and to find someone else to date so that I detach from this PMrR1 thing.

I don't know what to do.....

Signed, a sitting in limbo SSW :(

This depicts the reason we won't be able to have a friendship only relationship....even if we try.

The Triple F

I have to say that I am so sick and tired of questioning everything I think and everything I do.

As you recall, I decided to go against my first instinct of walking away from PMrR1 because he did not want a relationship for now.  I decided to really give it a try, to go against what I would usually do in this case and to honestly, give him space, time and to just have fun.

So I go along, I'm having fun and we are establishing a great friendship.  But what happens out of the blue?  PMrR1 can't handle it.  Basically, he is running the other way.  'We' are finished.  I strongly suspect he is scared but what can I do about it?  Nothing.  Please do not tell me to give him time and space and that he will come around....  I can't live my life like that.  I may sound harsh right now but I'm truly pissed at myself for not going with my first instinct of walking away three months ago.

So what is the Triple F? 

The first F = fiasco.  Please let me b*tch and complain here.  Every freaken thing I try with men ends up in a fiasco.  I'm seriously considering therapy?  What the hell am I doing wrong?

The second F = failure.  Yes, I'm sick and tired of failing at this.  Apparently, according to many of them, I'm the 'best and most beautiful woman around' and the problem always lies with them and not with me.  No one can understand why I'm still single?  You can't imagine how long those lines are starting to get.

The third F ?  You figure it out!  :(

Do you want to see an Experience file explode.  Do you want to see a Trust file freak out?  Do you want to see a Mitigation file cry? (Refer to my entry 'The ET files' for clarification).

Yes, I will file this experience in the E file.  Ask me if I will go against my instinct again?  Ask me if I will trust even when I think I should trust? 

I have now experienced what it is to trust because I think I should trust, because I have no warning bells and no negative gut instinct.  THAT, will not happen again.  Or if it does, it will take a hell of a long time to trust myself again with this.

The point might be moot.  I've been off the dating site for a few weeks.  I cannot go through this emotional roller coaster with men on a regular basis.  I can't.  No one can I imagine....or maybe it's just me?  Who knows.

I always always always try to look for a silver lining.  I truly always do in all aspects of my life.  I've been trying to find one concerning PMrR1 and I can't.....  My mom used to say sometimes it might take years for you to see the reason behind something.  To that I say I don't think I have the energy to wait that long.

I know from experience (thankfully that E file does hold some positive) that time heals everything.  But I also know that this type of experience will affect the little amount of trust I did have when it came to men.  This is not good....

I'm sad and pissed at myself and at PMrR1.  I'm the only one to blame though.  I should NEVER have gone against my first instinct.

I know I will have to reason with myself.  My M file has her work cut out for her.  She will need to mitigate this or I will remain alone forever.....and frankly, at this point, it truly seems like the best option for me.

Signed yours truly stunned and blindsided by this,

SSW :(

 

 

Boy did I learn a lesson here.....  I will never lose or ignore my own voice again.....

Lessons for my son?

For a variety of reasons, it is not obvious to date at our age, especially when you have children.  Maybe I should rephrase that and say that it is not easy to date at our age especially when we have children and IF we are a responsible parent.

Now please note that I'm not passing judgement on anyone.  I am talking about my thoughts and perceptions.

In the 10 years that I've been single, my son has never officially met anyone that I've dated.  Why?  Because he was told by me that if ever I 'officially' present him someone, it will be because I'm in a relationship with this said person.

Of course my son knows that I'm dating.  He knows about the dates.  Obviously, he does not know the details of all of my dates.  In fact, he usually doesn't even know the names of the dates unless he notices that I'm going out more than twice with them.

When I come home from a date, he will always ask me how things went.  He will always ask me if I will see him again.  I always reply honestly.  I tell him if I will see him again or not and I tell him why.  Usually if I don't see the date a second time, I explain to him the reason behind it.  Such as, he was nice but there was just no connection, we didn't have anything to talk about.  Or I will reply to my son that the man was disrespectful towards me in terms of his language for example.  I won't give him any crude details such as the man who wanted to pee on me (see my entry 'To pee or not to pee' in January 2013). 

In watching me date, I hope that my son is learning respect.  Respect for myself and respect for others. 

I do not want my son to meet someone as being my 'partner' until this said partner and I are sure that we are a couple.  Why?  One important reason is that my son has already lost a parent and I do not want him to get attached to anyone and then possibly lose him from his life also. 

I also want to show him that any sexual relationship with a partner is not something that should be taken lightly.  This topic is something that I discuss with him.  Obviously he does not know and will not know the details of my relationship however, he will know that his mother has enough respect for herself and for him not to bring just anyone into her bed.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my son asked me if he will officially meet PMrR1.  I told him no, not right now.  He was surprised by that answer.  He replied to me that since I wasn't seeing anyone else and that I had been dating PMrR1 for a few months now that he should meet him.  I reinstated that he will meet him when we are both sure that we are a couple.  That right now, we are taking it slow and that we need to be sure first before involving anyone else.  I think he understood.

Am I doing the right thing?  As a parent and as a single woman who is raising a teenage boy, I think I'm doing the right thing.  I want my son to respect women.  I also want him to have self-respect.  What better way to show him how than through my example? 

As I've mentioned before, I work in the people field.  Too often I've seen the results of children getting attached to a parent's new partner too quickly and then have to go through the loss of that step parent because the very short relationship fell through between the parent and the 'partner'. 

I truly believe that as a parent, it is your responsibility to always put your children first and foremost and if that means sacrificing a few dates or a few outings or a few intimate moments in your home when your children are there, well so be it. 

Thankfully, PMrR1 feels the same way as I do.  I talk from experience when I say that few people think the way we do.

You could argue that my son is getting older and that he would not get attached so quickly to a new partner.  You are right.  What is happening with my boy though is that he is now learning how to date and that dating is the probable next stage in his life.

Did I plan on being in the same stage as my teenager and join him in the dating world at my age?  Of course not.  But such is life and here I am.
I might as well take advantage of the situation and just make it a teachable experience for him.....

What will be the hopeful results?  A self-respecting young man that respects not only his mother but also other women.

Not too bad in terms of results isn't it?

Impulsive me.....

Well I did it.  It happened almost without me noticing.  It was a couple of days ago.  It happened so fast I almost wasn't aware that I was doing it.  Before I knew it, it was done.....

Yup, I did it.....

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, without even thinking about it twice, without any analysis whatsoever, without any pondering or questioning....


I did it.....


.......

I DELETED MY DATING PROFILE!!!!

OMG!!

:)

Ok, no one panic please!  I'm fine and I'm even a little tiny bit relieved about it.

How did it happen?

I received yet another message.  A 'hello baby, how are you' message.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  That was that!  Maybe it's the combination of being sick with the flu and getting yet another 'bad' message or maybe I had just reached my limit, I don't know.

What I do know is that profiles can be started over if need be but for now, enough was enough.  I know I have stated in the past that I'm not ready to delete that profile but apparently I am.  Things are not exactly where I want them to be with PMrR1 but things are great with him anyways.  I know I'm just being impatient but I definitely want to see where it will go in time....

I'm not thinking twice about it.  I'm comfortable with having no messages from the dating site and I'm especially happy about not going out every other night to meet someone new.  Taking things slowly with PMrR1 is just a bonus at this point. 

I haven't told him yet about deleting my profile and I don't really feel the urge to do so at the moment....

Funny how things change eh?  From just a few weeks ago where I wasn't deleting my profile to this impulsive move..... 

Maybe I'm losing my mind?  lol

Slooooow seems to be the name of the game......

.....but I'm still smiling.  I guess there is a lot to be said for taking things slowly in relationship.  For developing a friendship and gradually developing more.

I had a great day with PMrR1.  We went to another town not too far away and enjoyed our day.  We walked for a few hours while holding hands.  Talked and laughed and acted silly.  We had a beautiful dinner together but unfortunately had to return home early because of a situation with a member of his family.  Everyone and everything is ok but he wanted to be around and I completely understand.

Our evening was cut short and I would have liked to have seen him again this weekend but it seems that taking it slow is the name of the game.  The way I see it, I always took it a bit faster the other times with other dates and.....well.....'how did that work out for me'?!   HA!

Even if our evening was cut short, it was the best day of my anticipated long weekend.  I've been sick since yesterday.  No food is staying in me and I'm not a pretty sight to see.

I'm very rarely sick (touch wood somewhere) so when it does happen, I'm the first to admit that I have a major pity party.  I get down in the dumps and I seem to over analyze everything in my life (not too sure what the link is between analysis and sickness but it's there).

That being said, seeing that I know that I tend to over analyze when sick, I'm forcing myself to keep busy and to not put myself through that! 

I'm sticking with the logic of giving PMrR1 time by keeping a slow pace and that is that.  I'm not going to analyze it.

Instead I will write a blog, read, look at the disaster that is my house until the renovations are done, smile cause I can actually afford the renovations so I should stop complaining about them and just let things be.

I will try to eat and sleep again and hopefully make it to work tomorrow.

I'm moving slowly right now....physically from being sick and mentally from not allowing any over analysis!  I'm doing good with it.  Thanks to all of the imaginable gods out there that I'm  not hormonal at the moment....lol!!

Slow and steady wins the race......

Signed yours truly in slooooow motion,

SSW :)

 

 

 

Yes, I do expect....

We are enjoying a long weekend here in my province!  Definitely something that most of us are looking forward to!!  Three days off from work with Monday as a holiday!  Wonderful news!

I expect it to be a weekend of lots of hard work on my part with the renovations that are getting done in my house.  I have lots of cleaning to do along with sorting, throwing out and reorganizing. 

I have one day reserved for an outing with PMrR1.  We are making a daytime date out of it in the middle of our weekend.  I EXPECT that it will be great, eventful, entertaining and fun!   I EXPECT that we will both enjoy each other's company.

Ah yes, expectations!  I'm still thinking about my last post to you!  The things that I expect for myself are a part of who I am.  I expect to be organized.  I expect to maintain my exercise and eating habits.  I expect to always always be there for my teenage son (a blog soon on what I think my son is learning from MY dating experience).  I expect to survive the chaos that is currently my house (although at times I feel like I'm surviving only by the skin of my teeth....lol). 

More importantly though, I expect to be true to myself and to continue to see this through with PMrR1.  I expect that I will continue to work on my patience, that I will not try to control the outcome, that I will let things be.

I expect that time will tell me if I'm doing the right thing or not.  However, I'm not ready to just sit back forever.  I know that as time goes by, that I will start getting used to PMrR1's presence, that I will start getting attached.  I have a time limit for my 'waiting' with PMrR1.   The time is well set in my mind.  I'm enjoying every minute I do spend with him though and I expect that I won't ever regret giving him some time. 

Bottom line though, I have to look out after number one and that is me.  I won't wait forever.....As it is, I've already pushed back my set time in my mind.......yup, I really like PMrR1.....  I won't lose myself though....

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my day with him.  I will tell you about it at the end of my weekend.

Signed expectantly yours,

SSW :)