Hot Ball

To be the holder of that ball was way too much for me.  I did not like having the responsability of holding it and of making the decision of what to do with it.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was in the presence of a hot ball!

I bounced it around amongst my files.  My Trust file looked at me like I had lost my mind so she threw it to the Experience File, who in turn actually laughed out loud (I heard it) and tossed it to the Mitigation file.  The M file was left holding it.  She was not sure what to do with it, so in her wisdom, she decided to throw it back to PMrR1. 

Earlier in the blog, I wrote the entry 'The ET files' that describes my whole filing system that is happening up there (yes, in my brain).  It's a bit of a mess at times......

So after all this process, I threw the ball back in PMrR1's court.  I texted him that I would like to share something with him and suggested a time.  I then asked him to suggest a time if mine wasn't good for him.  He did reply that he would contact me with another day when he knew....

Ok, I will be honest with you. I wasn't going to write it but I will edit and tell you the truth.  I purposely offered a time to see him when I pretty well knew that he would be busy.  It is a long weekend in my province and many, it not most, have plans for the extra long weekend.  I knew he would be busy and I knew that I would not have to face up to him.  I basically wanted him to be left holding that hot ball!

So now, I feel better.  The ball is in his court.  I don't have to be the one to make the next move.  If he wants to see me, he will have to say something now.  Frankly, as time goes by, I would rather not have to deal with it.  Let's just close the chapter and move on.  However, I will read him the email that I have written IF I hear from him again.  I don't have that pressure of contacting him anymore.....

Next week sometime, I will get back on the dating site and I will jump in again..... 

Am I still disappointed with PMrR1?  Yes, of course.  But I am not responsible for his thought process.......

Life goes on.... 

I'm hoping that with the renovations completely finished (as of today), my  holidays starting (with a wonderful celebration of a beautiful family member's wedding - very excited for her) and with some rest and relaxation on the agenda, that things should settle for me at all levels.

I need to push disappointments out of my heart and out of my mind..... I don't want to become cynical (I've been fighting this all along) and I don't want to become cold.....  I will blog about this at a later date....

So there you have it.  A short update..... 

Signed a not so hot anymore SSW :/

 

Counting my blessings.....

We are all human.  We sometimes forget to look for that silver lining in our lives.  I usually always make the effort......but lo and behold, I've determined that I'm not super woman and that yes, sometimes I forget to look for the positive things around me....for that silver lining....it may be tarnished at times, but it is usually there.

I have a beautiful home!  I have a car and everything that I need.  The renovations that I had done within the house look fantastic.  I have a newly painted bedroom that I am decorating to my liking (looks amazing actually).

I'm surrounded by concerned and loving family and friends.  That in itself is an incredible blessing.

And my list continues.  My neighbours are caring and look out for me (the single lady) and I am happy to say that I live in a friendly community!  I feel safe here!

I am the mom to a fantastic teen.  What more can I ask for out of a teen?  He is on task at school, does very well in fact, got himself part time work, is responsible, organized, respectful and caring.  He is not perfect (you should see the state of his room) and of course, he does need guidance in many things.....but that's what us parents are for right? 

No, there is no doubt,  I am blessed, I truly am.....  I have my health, I'm in excellent shape (if I do say so myself - lol). I'm lucky enough to have a good education and am well-employed but more importantly, I love my work!

I have holidays and even though I sometimes worry about what will keep me busy during said holidays, I have to remind myself that at least I'm lucky enough to have the time off.  I really need to just suck it up don't I?

Yes, I'm blessed, I'm lucky, I have worked hard and still work hard for what I have and for how I feel.  That being said though, there is something missing.

Now mark my words, I'm not complaining.  But truly, this is my blog and well....I'll complain if I want to (lol).  Seriously though, I'm not lamenting, I do see what it is I have, but there is an important part missing.....

You all know what it is, I don't have to go into the details of how nice it would be to share this happy life of mine with someone......

I am forcing myself to polish off the silver linings and to look at them more closely.  I'm forcing myself to have thought control.  It's working....I feel better.

My decision to face up to PMrR1 is starting to create a bit of anxiety within me though.  It is something that I will TRY to do at the beginning of next month.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that I probably should do it!? Who knows though, he may not want to see me!?  That would make things somewhat easier but not necessarily good for closure.....

Then again, I still have one week.  Perhaps I will decide not to see him again and just send one final email.  I'm still wavering.  I haven't decided...  As stated before, he left the ball in my court so it is up to me to do what I wish with this.  I'll see what this week brings.....

My decision to get back to dating is leaving me without concern for now.  I'll see how that goes when I jump back in.  There is a tiny bit of hope left in me obviously.....  I hope it doesn't get stomped out too quickly....

 

So there you have it.  I truly believe that every living being has something for which he/she should be thankful.  Sometimes we have to reach pretty deep and look pretty far to find it but at other times, we are looking way too hard...... our silver lining is right under our nose.....

I know that I sometimes need reminders.....

Signed yours truly, thankful for all the blessings in her life.......

SSW :)

 

 

 

 

Decisions decisions.....

Instead of writing another bad poem about not knowing what to blog about (lol), I thought I'd give you a bit of an update.

There is nothing much to say though.  I'm still feeling a bit 'blah' but am pretty busy these days.  Renovations are coming to an end and I will be on holidays soon.  I'm still concerned about all the free time coming my way.

It has not all been wasted time for I have made some decisions.

I will get back on the dating site in a few weeks.  That is a definite.  If I close off my heart to dating, I will never be able to open it again...that will be it.  I've decided I have too much to give for that and that life is too short.  I'm not sure how long I'll 'survive' the dating site this time around, but I will give it a shot.

As for PMrR1, a few decisions on my part has also been made.  I have not sent it yet, but I have written a final email.  I was not going to see him again but my good friend has convinced me that even if I read the email to him, that it needs to be done to his face. 

I am thinking about it and am seriously considering it.  He may not like my perception of the truth where he is concerned but that is his problem and not mine.  If he doesn't like it, he can attempt to correct it.

Either way, as time goes by, I'm moving on and I feel like I'm being courteous in extending one final email or message to him.  Whether I tell him to his face or through email, I really don't have to do it at all, but I will....  I'm a giver and a peace maker.  It's a bit of a pain in the ass at times to be this type of person.

So there you have it.  Not much of an entry.  I'm not feeling too witty or too energetic frankly.  I'm still seriously fighting off emotional eating and am trying to balance it with exercise.  Although, it will catch up with me so I have to curb this!  It is a definite necessity.  Again, I'm not overly concerned, the weight battle is one that I refuse to lose.  I will regain control of things in that department.

Now if only I could be this confident in my ability to gain control in my dating world......I know, I know, before someone says it..... I need to not try to control it.....yeah yeah yeah..... I got it!

I have to say that despite it all, that it has been a productive few days.  I am making a few decisions. 

It is decidedly good to make a few decisions.....

Signed yours truly, not yet smiling but feeling better about decisions being made....

SSW :/

 

 

 

 

Big case of the BLAHS

Yes, I admit it, I'm feeling blah.  Just say the word and you'll know how I'm feeling.  On top of that I'm teary-eyed, exhausted, feeling overwhelmed and have just plain had it!

I'm approaching holidays and I need it.  I'm also almost done the renovations at home and am trying to clean everything at once.  I see it like a gigantic insurmountable task.

I'm trying hard not to think of men and in particular PMrR1.  I still have not 100% made up my mind as to what to do with this particular situation....  As time goes by, though, I want to bury my head in the sand and not come up.  Not come up for any man....including PMrR1.....

Several times this week I caught myself thinking and even saying 'why did I start this dating thing again'?  Then I was reminded of my son not wanting to go out with his friends because he thought that I would be alone....  I was also reminded of how hard it was to push myself out of my comfort zone.....

I am slipping back into that zone.  I do have to admit that it's not really a comfortable place at the moment.  I'm not doing so well in terms of coping with all of this - (forgive the expression) - crap.

I'm surprising myself because I can usually cope with pretty well everything but I'm struggling here....I really am.

I'm teary-eyed, discouraged, lonely and terrified of my upcoming holidays.  What the hell am I going to do?  Yes there are the obvious things that I can do during my holidays and don't get my wrong, my support system is great.  However my support system consists of wonderful but married people.  I'm not big on third wheeling. 

Talk about a mid life crisis here!

I caught myself emotionally eating a few times.  I caught it, admitted it and curbed it.  I'm not too concerned about it because whatever I do in the food department I pound the heck out of it at the gym.

I think I have to go back to my pre-dating mind set.  The one that says that if I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be alone.  Eliminate the thought of anything else.  It is much better to be alone and to act accordingly by just doing my own thing.

Yes, I admit it, I'm super disappointed.  No, I'm not going to wait for anyone.  I can't do that to myself.  Life goes on....

So, I will watch my food intake, force myself to maintain a healthy and regular routine at the gym, read a book, build a puzzle, work in my garden, sleep, spend time with my married friends and spend as much time as I can with my growing teenager.

My biggest struggle will be what is in my head.....

I know that I can and I know that I will but it's the getting there that is hard.... 

SSW :(

Sweet dreams....

...........are made of this,

Who am I to disagree?

I travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

Some of them want to abuse you

Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?

I travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody's looking for something

Hold your head up, keep your head up, movin' on

Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up, movin' on

Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up, movin' on

Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

Some of them want to abuse you

Some of them want to be abused...............
 

EURYTHMICS -



I love this song!  Perfect song for me right now. 

My dreams. 

My nocturnal dreams.

My daytime dreams.

Both are blending into one these days. 

I've always loved analyzing dreams.  I was trained quite a bit in it during my university days.   A fantastic teacher I had was fascinated with them.  I've now learnt to 'control' my dreams up to a certain point.  With practice, it's definitely something that can be done by anyone.

For example, when I wake up from a great dream, I can usually fall back asleep and continue the dream.  If I notice in which position I'm sleeping in when I wake up in the morning, all I have to do the night after is resume that same position and not only will the dream come back to me, I will also be able to continue it and to modify it.  Pretty cool stuff..... 

If you consciously give yourself a message often enough, you will dream about it.....  The answer to any of your questions is in your subconscious, by asking the question, you dream of your answer...the answer that is already within you.

This is all fine and dandy and even fun, but sometimes, the interpretation of those dreams can be tricky.  This is were the 'fun' part begins.

There is no major secret when it comes to dream analysis.  Know that your dreams belongs to you and to you alone and that you will not find the reason of your dream in a book.  Don't waste your money.  Your dreams are a reflection of what is happening in your life and in your subconscious level.....

So let's talk about my dreams and men in general.  You have all figured out my daytime dream about men by now I'm sure.  Yes, I don't need a partner but would like one.  They are simple daydreams, usually occurring when I'm bored or when I'm doing a repetitive task (such as exercising at the gym).

However, my night time dreams, the one reflecting my deeper level of consciousness is a bit less direct and certainly not as organized.

To begin with, if you are amongst those that do NOT remember your dreams, do not fret.  It is normal NOT to remember them.  That being said, it is NOT abnormal to remember your dreams, it is just less common.

I remember one dream on most nights.  Notice that I say one dream.  Everyone dreams (even if we don't remember them).  We dream several dreams every night and the dreams, even if they don't feel so short, are usually just a few seconds long.....

I have spent the last several days deep in thought and analyzing my dreams.  They are all men related (imagine that).

I swear, I have now officially heard it all from men (PMrR1's decision to run the other way despite our good connection and friendship was the cherry on top).

During my waking hours, I have therefore decided to stop dating.  However, my subconscious obviously does not agree with me.  I am dreaming about men.  I will spare you the details of the dreams and only offer you the results of my analysis.

Through my many men-related dreams, I have concluded that at the end of June, I will contact PMrR1 one more time.  I am not expecting anything out of this except to perhaps try to understand why he is running away.  I will not try to pursue a friendship with him unless he can convince me otherwise.  We were already establishing a friendship and because of our attraction to each other, a friend only relationship will not work.  I need to reach out to him one more time though.  That is very clear in my subconscious.....in my dreams.

The decision to stop dating is causing quite a panic at a subconscious level because that is ALL I dream about.  I'm not panicking about it in my daytime though.  However, because it is a part of me, I must respect my subconscious and pay attention to my dreams.  In doing so, the root of me feeling anxious about dating may be resolved. 

What is it about my dreams that is making me think twice about my decision NOT to date anymore?  As soon as I made the decision to stop dating, I dream of pure bliss with men.  Not sexual energy, but happiness.  Friendly, comfortable, comforting and loving dreams, all with a man.   In most dreams, I don't recognize the man.  Even if I would though, it doesn't mean that I would reach this happiness with this particular man.  The man in my dreams does not represent THE man, it represents A man.....

So what are those dreams telling me?  I think they are telling me to not give up.  I think they are telling me that the feeling that I was seeking in my daydreams can actually become reality even if I am fighting them and don't want to give them any more chance in 'real life'.

I am comfortable with that analysis.  Any good specialist in dream analysis will always tell you that there is rarely a 'right' answer to your interpretation.  What the dreamer thinks the dream means, is usually the right answer. 

Thing is, the thought that perhaps I should give dating another chance is now causing panic in my 'real life'.  I was comfortable slowly but surely pushing myself back into my comfort zone.  It was happening.....  The comfort of staying home, not going out, knitting, watching a bit of television and just existing in my own space.  There is nothing wrong with that and I was feeling quite comfortable thank you very much......  but comfortable on a conscious level and not at a subconscious one.....

Not being comfortable at a subconscious level is causing anxiety.  I remember those dreams during the daytime and thus it throws me off balance and causes anxiety during my daytime.

I've analyzed the fact that I may be analyzing too much (lol).  Sometimes a dream is just a dream (or like Freud once said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar'), but you don't really expect me NOT to analyze the dreams do you?  You know me too well for that by now.....

So that you all don't think that I'm losing my mind, let me reassure you that I don't analyze 99% of my dreams.  Then again, my dreams are usually not men related.  They just happened to become men related when I consciously decided to stop dating them..... 

So there you have it.  The Eurythmics were probably dealing with the same men I've been dating (ha).  My sweet dreams.....they are made of these.  Who am I to disagree?  I travel the world and the seven seas in my dreams.  Everybody's looking for something.  Yes, some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you, some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused....  (read my previous blogs if you don't believe me with this).......

BUT......

.....some of them want to love you and be loved by you......

Will I ever find him? 

Do I have enough energy left in me to pursue?

I know that I cannot handle the roller coaster of emotions any longer....

Do I take that chance......

....'to sleep, perchance to dream'.....awake or asleep.....

.....peacefully.....


Signed yours truly, trying to figure out the fighting between her conscious and subconscious levels....

SSW :(


P.S.  'Holding my head up, keeping my head up and moving on......'

.......or at least trying to.....

"Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise."
(Sigmund Freud)

Yo-yoing

No, I did not just invent a new word (although, it's my blog and I'll invent one if I want to....lol). 

Yo-yoing, from the online dictionary means 'to undergo frequent abrupt shifts or reversals, as of opinion or emotion; vacillate.'

So you must all be wondering what it is I'm yo-yoing about? 

Take a wild guess!!!

*sigh*

Yes, of course that's what I'm yo-yoing about!  How I feel about M E N!!!  (HA).

Yesterday at work, some firefighters were around for a community activity.  The other ladies at work came over to tell me about it.  They all know that I, of all people, sure appreciate a handsome man in a firefighter uniform!

I just lightly smiled at them and didn't bother to go out.  Frankly, I couldn't care less what the firefighters looked like......  Yes, I actually just wrote that.

To tell you the truth, me not caring about having fun with the female coworkers while being in the firefighter's presence, has me worried a little bit. 

After discussing the PMrR1 situation with a friend the other day, she said to me 'you will find someone even better SSW'.  To which I automatically replied (I didn't even think of my reply)... 'well he's going to have to find me in my backyard because I won't be anywhere to be found'.

Yet, sometimes, I want to contact PMrR1 and yell at him, or talk to him or even hug him.  Most times I just want forget him and men in general though.

Yes, I'm generally feeling better about things, but there is still some level of frustration on my part. 

No, I will not contact PMrR1 and yell at him (lol) or talk to him or hug him....I am in control of myself.

In fact, I'm even managing to keep calm about the whole thing.

The shift in my dating attitude is throwing me off a little bit though.  I've never had this reaction before.  Perhaps I am through forever with men and dating?!

Even as I'm writing this to you I'm yo-yoing like crazy.  Thankfully, I am busy with the renovations and work and such. 

I'm a bit worried as to what I will be doing when the renovations are done and when I get to my holidays.  I'm concerned about NOT being so calm about the whole thing. 

Perhaps the next couple of weeks will continue to throw me into a state of complacency so great that I will blissfully coast through life without having to worry about the opposite sex ever again. 

Wouldn't that be great!? 

Miraculous even...... 

It would sure make my decision about continuing to date or not much easier wouldn't it?

I will sign off now and continue to live in my yo-yoing world!  A world where you're not sure if you're emotionally up or down or calm or agitated but always look calm and in control from the outside.  It's an exhausting  yo-yoing world!!!!

Yours truly in my yo-yoing state,

SSW :(

A poem for you

I don't know what to write about
I'm really in a rut
I'm not dating or going out
Just feeling bad in my gut

Trying to decide what to do
Be social and smile through it all?
Or will knitting slippers have to do?
Either way, feels I like I dropped the ball

Am discouraged and tired, but alas
Not sure what else to think
Got a hold of my wine glass
Will now pour myself a drink

 

Energy is low, cause I am sad
Things will look up one day
Will be good and not so bad
I'm not sure what else to say

I need a topic to write about
Something you'd like to hear
Give me ideas or a shout out
About love, life or fears

I don't know what to write about
I'm really in a rut
I'm not dating or going out
Just feeling bad in my gut

Apparently I'm a poet and don't know it.....

SSW :)

Do I give it time or not?

I wanted to write a bit of an update. 

PMrR1 and I have been exchanging emails.  We are communicating.  We have differences in perceptions it seems but at the very least we have openly communicated about them.

We have agreed to not communicate for the next month or so and give it time.  Then perhaps spend some time together as friends.

Did you notice I wrote 'friends'.  I'm perceiving fear in PMrR1 but I may be wrong.  For now, if I want him in my life, I will have to not only give it time (lots of time) but not cross the 'friend' line for the time being.

Thing is, we have not crossed that 'friend' line in my eyes but he seems to think that we are.  He is not clear as to why he feels that and frankly, nor am I.

We both agree that we have an extraordinary connection.  He wants to maintain a 'friendship' in the future.  I'm not so sure I'll be able to leave it at 'friends' only so what will be the point?  Honestly, I don't think that he will be able to leave it at 'friends' only either.  I truly don't.....this is why I think he is scared.

I have been single for much longer than PMrR1, perhaps that is playing on both our minds.  He still has a few things that need to be settled on a personal level.

For now, I obviously don't have a choice but to let this be and to take it as it comes.  As of today, June 2nd, I don't know if I will want to see him again at the end of the month.  I really don't.  In fact, he says he does right now, but I'm not so sure he will want to see me at the end of the month either.

I also have to decide if I will get back to dating others.  I don't want to.  I truly deep down don't want to.  I'm tired and don't feel like I have the energy to do so.  Part of me feels like I should though.  That it will be emotionally safer for me to go out with others. 

You all know that I don't want just a friendship, but I don't know if it will ever escalate to more with PMrR1.  I don't know if I should wait around to see or just throw it away and start fresh in awhile. 

I know that the connection that we have is the basis for a great relationship but if a relationship is not wanted or perceived by the other person, what is the point?  Will he ever allow himself to push through that fear?  Do I wait and see?  Will I be wasting my time if I do that? 

At this moment, as I'm writing this, I think I will give it the month of June and see.  Thing is, in a few minutes, I may be thinking that it's better to get back online and to find someone else to date so that I detach from this PMrR1 thing.

I don't know what to do.....

Signed, a sitting in limbo SSW :(

This depicts the reason we won't be able to have a friendship only relationship....even if we try.

The Triple F

I have to say that I am so sick and tired of questioning everything I think and everything I do.

As you recall, I decided to go against my first instinct of walking away from PMrR1 because he did not want a relationship for now.  I decided to really give it a try, to go against what I would usually do in this case and to honestly, give him space, time and to just have fun.

So I go along, I'm having fun and we are establishing a great friendship.  But what happens out of the blue?  PMrR1 can't handle it.  Basically, he is running the other way.  'We' are finished.  I strongly suspect he is scared but what can I do about it?  Nothing.  Please do not tell me to give him time and space and that he will come around....  I can't live my life like that.  I may sound harsh right now but I'm truly pissed at myself for not going with my first instinct of walking away three months ago.

So what is the Triple F? 

The first F = fiasco.  Please let me b*tch and complain here.  Every freaken thing I try with men ends up in a fiasco.  I'm seriously considering therapy?  What the hell am I doing wrong?

The second F = failure.  Yes, I'm sick and tired of failing at this.  Apparently, according to many of them, I'm the 'best and most beautiful woman around' and the problem always lies with them and not with me.  No one can understand why I'm still single?  You can't imagine how long those lines are starting to get.

The third F ?  You figure it out!  :(

Do you want to see an Experience file explode.  Do you want to see a Trust file freak out?  Do you want to see a Mitigation file cry? (Refer to my entry 'The ET files' for clarification).

Yes, I will file this experience in the E file.  Ask me if I will go against my instinct again?  Ask me if I will trust even when I think I should trust? 

I have now experienced what it is to trust because I think I should trust, because I have no warning bells and no negative gut instinct.  THAT, will not happen again.  Or if it does, it will take a hell of a long time to trust myself again with this.

The point might be moot.  I've been off the dating site for a few weeks.  I cannot go through this emotional roller coaster with men on a regular basis.  I can't.  No one can I imagine....or maybe it's just me?  Who knows.

I always always always try to look for a silver lining.  I truly always do in all aspects of my life.  I've been trying to find one concerning PMrR1 and I can't.....  My mom used to say sometimes it might take years for you to see the reason behind something.  To that I say I don't think I have the energy to wait that long.

I know from experience (thankfully that E file does hold some positive) that time heals everything.  But I also know that this type of experience will affect the little amount of trust I did have when it came to men.  This is not good....

I'm sad and pissed at myself and at PMrR1.  I'm the only one to blame though.  I should NEVER have gone against my first instinct.

I know I will have to reason with myself.  My M file has her work cut out for her.  She will need to mitigate this or I will remain alone forever.....and frankly, at this point, it truly seems like the best option for me.

Signed yours truly stunned and blindsided by this,

SSW :(

 

 

Boy did I learn a lesson here.....  I will never lose or ignore my own voice again.....