Eating my words....

As promised, I would let you know if ever I would meet up with 'true' romance.  Not romantic displays in the hope that it would lead up to sex.  No, not that kind of romance.  The type of romance that just happens for no reason at all.  Just because.  I honestly did not think that it existed.  But guess what?  I was WRONG!  It does seem to exist after all.....

Thing is, it happened so subtly that I wasn't realising that it was happening.  Whether it be an arm shyly put around my shoulders or a casual attempt at holding my hand.  The gentle touch of my face when talking to me. The flowers kindly given to me at dinner along with the bottle of wine.....and the real romantic act?  Nothing expected in return.  Hmmmm.  Nothing at all expected in return!  Even his words are romantic yet not demanding. 

With Mr 2G2BT, there was romance but it was always in the hopes on his part that it would end up with sex.  With PMrR1, there are no such demands.  He is secure enough to let things evolve naturally without pushing it.  That in itself is romantic.

So there you have it..  SSW is eating her words and stating that true romance does exist.  YIKES!!!!!

I know that I am gaining experience and learning things from all of the misters.  I have a very thick E file to show for it and a very thin T file as well. 

My Experience file and my Trust file are in full alert at the moment because I'm not feeling any bad vibes from PMrR1.  In fact, it seems that I'm learning quite a few lessons with this mister.  I'm not sure if it's going to go anywhere, but at the very least, with PMrR1, I've learnt that I can trust my instinct, that I can trust some men, I've learnt to let go a bit of the control  and I've now learnt that pure romance does in fact exist.

Pretty important lessons eh?  Ugh, go figure....  pure romance exists....  WOW!

Signed: a shocked-head-scratching-wondering-what-is-happening-because-she-never-thought-she-would-eat-her-words,

SSW :)

(yes, the smile is back)

The other lesson.....

Two entries ago, I shared with you what I thought was a lesson that I was learning these days.  It's definitely an important one.  A lesson that I can trust some men.  A lesson that I can trust myself and my instinct!  Very important lessons indeed.....

Little did I know though that I was and still am in the process of learning another important lesson.  This is a super big one.  I don't think a lesson has ever been so clear to me before.  It sure hit me like a ton of bricks tonight let me tell you.

I was determined to talk with PMrR1 this evening.  Determined to settle our status once and for all.  We both wanted to talk, and talk we did for three hours straight. Talked about work, kids, our week, some recipes, our dinners, some sports, some current events, we laughed and chuckled about a variety of things while holding hands on and off at the dinner table.  We talked about some childhood experiences, our aches and pains as we get older (nothing serious), we evaluated some restaurants, some teaching styles, the state of our educational system, our dessert and even our waitress.  We talked about money, finances, the cost of living and taxes. We chatted about our upcoming week and about everything under the sun.  We can chat up a storm apparently.  But we didn't chat about anything else.....

Everytime I thought of bringing up the subject of 'us', I couldn't do it.  I have never ever been so prepared and pumped up to talk about something and then NOT talk about it.  As strange as it sounds, and I swear this is true, it felt like someone or something was physically stopping my mouth from working as soon as I thought of the words...  I know it sounds odd and that it doesn't make sense but it just wasn't happening.  Those words were stuck there. 

Driving home after my outing tonight, something was bugging me.  Firstly what is it that stopped me from talking?  Secondly, why do I feel good about NOT talking?  I felt freed for some reason.   Something happened over that dinner. 

I had the 'HAHA' moment at a red light!   THIS is my lesson!!!  I think I'm learning that I should stop trying to control everything?  To just let it be for awhile and to see.  To let things happen naturally.  If this is the lesson that I'm learning, well then it's a hell of a lesson isn't it??

Some of the comments I've had from you readers, in a variety of entries, have been for me to let it be, to relax and to basically stop trying to control things.  Well guess what?  I think I'm starting to finally see a light in that area..... I think I'm starting to get it!  Now THAT is great news eh?

So there you have it.  Nothing is even close to being settled with PMrR1.  And guess what?  It's ok.  It will settle eventually.....

For now,  I won't try to control the timing and I certainly won't try to control the outcome.  For now......

At the moment, my anxiety level is low.  I don't feel any anxiety (which is a bit strange in itself).  Then again, maybe letting go or starting to let go of the control can have that affect on me?

I'm realistic enough that I know that I won't completely let go of the control over that area of my life so easily and so quickly. 

I'm definitely experienced enough to know that I still need to be aware of what I'm feeling and of what is happening. 

I am not suddenly transported back to a naive little girl that doesn't know any better.....

Oh no.  I know, believe me, I know. 

For now though, I will choose to let it ride and I will try to not control the gears. 

I'm still trying to figure out what it is that physically prevented me from talking tonight.  What an odd feeling.......

Signed an out of control SSW ;)

(It's not a smile, but a wink is good too).

As I get older.....

.....it seems that 'things' or events or stressors affect me differently.  I used to rarely, if ever, be affected by such things, but now!  Holy cow!  I'm not sleeping or the little sleep that I am getting is actually consumed by nightmares and dreams and totally strange happenings.

Yes, this 45 year old perimenopausal women does have a few things going on all at once.  Between two jobs and a son and family and my personal life along with my hormonal woes (of which I will spare you the details), sleep not only seems like a waste of time it is unfortunately very elusive.

I remember a time when sleep was not such a problem no matter what was happening.

A close friend of mine who is also divorced and now remarried told me once that if you go through a seperation, that something 'breaks' in you.  Whether it be your sense of pride, your deception or just the high stress.  That you don't see life the same way anymore that you are affected by the little things on a different level.  I tend to agree with her.

I have not seen PMrR1 since I last wrote to you about him.  I have exchanged a few emails with him though and we are meeting at the end of the weekend.  We have also exchanged emails on the dating site when we happened to both be there together.  It was very odd.....

Since writing to you, I have received several emails on the dating site and already have two potential first meetings lined up.  I purposely refused them for this week because I wanted to meet with PMrR1 one more time in order to settle a few questions in my mind.  The meetings are tentatively set for next week.  I need to be clear with PMrR1 before moving on.  After this meeting, assuming that PMrR1 wants to continue dating others, I will tell him that I can't see him anymore. 

Now before any of you tell me not to write him off or to see him less but to still see him, please let me explain.  I do not want to be put in a situation where I get attached to someone only to potentially watch him leave with another woman that he has met on one of his dates.  I will not put mysef through that, no way, not going to happen!

For the record, I don't want to date others and I would prefer to continue seeing PMrR1 exclusively but.....

We will see what our next date holds, but, from experience, I don't think that much will come out of it.  I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic....

My anxiety is up and down with this.  I'm sitting here writing this and looking at my knitting....haha..   Honestly though, I'm looking forward to having this settled one way or another.

As I get older, stress and I don't mix well.  It's funny, I want a relationship and I know that it won't always be stress free, but sometimes, being single is stressful in itself.....

Arghhhh!!!!!

Signed: a slightly stressed and still not really smiling,

SSW

 

I actually looked like this today!  lol!  :)

The lesson.....

In my entry 'PMrR1' I told you that I was in the process of learning something.   I'm still struggling with it.  It is an important lesson and it has to do with trust.  It has to do with not only trusting a man at face value but for also trusting myself.

I spent a bit of time today reading some of my old posts.  It dawned on me how much my instinct (or my warning bells or my files) are really working.  Whether I was talking to you about Mr Handsome or Mr Dangerous or even Mr 2G2BT, even if there was nothing seriously 'wrong' with any of them (as in Mr 2G2BT), my instinct to doubt was always right!!

Take PMrR2 for instance, even with everything that he was saying, all the right things, all the right words, something was bugging me.  Yes, granted, I did lose interest pretty darn quickly however, PMrR2 has disappeared.  He dropped off the face of the earth it seems.  I'm not sure why??  I didn't say anything to him pertaining to PMrR1 that had captured my interest.  I WAS going to drop PMrR2 gently and tell him I wanted to concentrate my efforts on someone else, but he's gone (thus making it easier on me).  So it seems that for him also, whatever was 'bugging' me was a good indicator.

The lesson that I'm learning is that I can indeed trust myself.  Yes, I still have to silence some fake warning bells, but for the most part, after several outings with someone, if something is still making me doubt, I need to trust that.  What I'm feeling (or not feeling) with PMrR1  has definitely confirmed that for me.

I was pretty bummed out in my last entry.  I still am.  I am putting things in perspective though and yes, I suspect I will still see PMrR1 (I'm not asking for the outing though).  I don't want to raise my hopes and I won't allow it.  My thoughts are not permitted to go that direction and I do everything I can for thought control.  I'm hoping that maybe I'll be lucky but I'm only trusting myself in this case.  Trusting myself to steer away from the hope because I cannot and will not allow myself disappointment.  Not at this point!  No way! 

I have several things going on at once up there (yes there).  Because my interest is so great in PMrR1, I don't feel like getting back to dating.  So tonight,  almost against my will, I turned on my profille and my pictures.

Now please believe me when I say that I am not bragging.  Anyone can look good with a bit of make up and well done up hair.  Within 10 minutes of turning on my pictures, I had received 9 emails from men on the dating site.  Again, I'm not tooting my own horn, it is not the point I'm trying to make. 

What followed after this was not expected.  Without a word of lie, my anxiety shot up 100% .  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm not ready to move on? 

When I first met PMrR1 he was the first and only man that did not want to see my pictures before meeting me.  How impressed was I by that?

Obviously the 9 men contacting me tonight, for the most part, had probably not taken the time to read my complete profile.  This superficial aspect of a dating site is bothering me at the moment.....  How sure am I that no one read that profile?  After 10 minutes, I hid my pictures and I haven't received an email since.....  Pretty darn sad....  my profile is not hidden anymore......just the pictures.

The other thing happening is that I'm concerned that I will have to stop seeing PMrR1 altogether.  I will have to cut the cord because once again, my interest is too great and I suspect will only grow everytime I see him.  If we are not on the same wavelength, what is the point of seeing each other?  Again, I will NOT be disappointed.  No way!  NOT going to happen.....

I feel like pouting and screaming that it isn't fair :(

I finally meet someone that has got my full attention, someone with whom I would like without a doubt to explore the possibilities of an exclusive relationship and he isn't ready....  Damn!!!

I've asked the question before and I'm asking it again.  What the hell am I doing wrong?

One way or another, big lesson learnt with PMrR1.  I was concerned that I was going to have bells ringing for every man out there.  I'm learning that it is not the case.  I am capable of trusting at face value it seems.  So far so good anyways.  I'm capable of it!!!  Look at that!!  That is great news eh!?

Now let's just see if there is a Potential Mister Right out there than can somewhat match PMrR1 AND who is ready to try exclusivity....

I feel like I've just babbled...I hope this makes sense....

The smile is slowly coming back,

SSW

POOF!!!!...... Gone!

What is gone?  My anxiety for now.  Why is it gone?  Why indeed!  You would think that it should still be there, more than ever.....

I had a beautiful evening with PMrR1.  He is a sweet, gentle, kind man and I love his company.  Still no bells ringing, quiet files, all is good.....except....

As predicted, PMrR1 is not ready for more.  He has not dated as much, has been single for a bit more than 2 years as opposed to my 10 and is a bit apprehensive it seems (aren't we all).

We both agree that our relationship has the potential of becoming serious very quickly.  That is a problem if you are not ready for it.

So why is my anxiety gone?  Simple.  What do I have to be anxious about?  I'm not going to see PMrR1 as often so I'm obviously not going to develop anything serious with him. 

The first words out of my good friend's mouth was give him time, he's scared.  My reply to that was that I am NOT waiting.  I cannot let myself think those things.  In my book, the potential has now diminished to non-existant or almost.   Yes, I'll go out with him again if he asks (I'm not asking), but that is it..... 

So there you have it.....  What I really want to do is just kick back, relax, ignore everything and just do my thing.  What I will force myself to do is get back into the dating circle....  I have to do it or I will fall back into my comfort zone....the one where I'm stuck in my own little world.  It's an ok world but the risk of staying there is too great,  so I'm not going to look that way for now.  I'm still comforted by the fact that I can go there when I'm good and ready to go there.....  but for now, deep down, I know that it's not the time.  I don't know why I feel that, but I do.....

The anxiety is gone for now..... so why do I feel so bad and so sad and mostly so discouraged?

In the next few days.......

- the online dating profile will be back on.....

- the online dating pictures will be back on.....

Here we go again......

Damn....

SSW :(

P.S.  There will be a smile again very soon beside my SSW signature.....I just need a bit of time to absorb this....

OHHHH What a feeling!!

I am feeling fine for the most part but......

I'm feeling anxious.

Up until the summer of 2009, anxiety used to be a foreign feeling for me.  In the Spring of 2009, I was widowed.  I was executor of my ex-husband's will and was kept busy with paper work, with two jobs and with my son.  Thankfully I had family and friends to help me.  However, once the summer of 2009 hit and I started my holidays, something happened to me. 

Everything was pretty well completed in terms of paperwork and my son and I were settling into a new routine. 

Then one beautiful morning in early July, I will never forget it, I was feeling funny.  I felt out of sorts.  A bit dizzy, short of breath, shaky and couldn't quite settle my breathing.  I am asthmatic so I thought it was an attack kicking in.  I took the required asthma medication but that didn't help much.  In turn, it only served to make me even more out of breath.  Suddenly, I sat down on one of my steps leading into my kitchen and I said to myself  'what is happening to you'?

Then it hit me.....  In theory, I knew exactly what was happening to me.  I was having a panic attack!  If I would not have known theoretically what was happening to me, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up in the hospital.  Thankfully, once I started doing some deep breathing and such, things settled..... 

Once I got my breathing under control, I needed to find the cause of this anxiety. 

It took me a bit to figure it out but I finally did.....It dawned on me how angry I was at my husband for having died.  How dare he leave me with a soon to be teen at the time!  We had always promised each other that, despite our differences, that we would always support each other as parents for our son throughout his childhood and his teenage years.  I was angry for being left alone and I was terrified at the thought of being a single parent to a teen. 

Anger is one of the stages of grievance.  I knew that my reaction was normal but I wasn't counting on the anxiety.  Once I realized the cause of my concern, I was able get myself under control.

Although I am much better now, since that time, every once in awhile when things get to be too much in terms of.....life (for lack of a better word), the anxiety hits me.  It is not a good feeling and it is one that I try to avoid through deep breathing, through exercise and through a variety of stress control.

So now we come to my dating life.  I am only dating PMrR1 at the moment.  We will see each other again soon and I'm sure the opportunity to talk will come up.  After our talk, we may decide to pursue on the dating site and to continue seeing others or we may decide on exclusivity.

Now the point of my dating is to find a life long partner.....right? 

I'm feeling good about PMrR1.  I really am.  I would like to have exclusivity with him and to see where things go.  On the other hand, I'm having this weird and strange thought that to pursue dating others would be so much.....

Better?  No. 

Calmer?  No. 

Saner?  No. 

Less tiring?  No.

hmmmm....  Comforting?  Perhaps?

But the thing is, in my mind,  I know that seeing only one person would indeed be saner, be comforting and be so much better for me.  I know this intellectually, but on an emotional level it's hmmmmm, it's.....what's the word....hmmmm.....let's see.....

IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!!!!  *sigh*

A sweet and dear colleague and friend of mine casually told me today that I was 'slacking in my writing'.  That she was anticipating my next entry and that I hadn't written in a few days.  She asked me straight out, 'what are you going to write about when you find Mr Right'? 

It's a darn good question isn't it?  Well I'm here to tell her and all of you that I used to wonder the same thing.  But now, not so much. 

Firstly, for the record, I still offically haven't found HIM, but secondly and more importantly, I think I will have to deal and write about the anxiety that is occurring with just the POTENTIAL of finding a Mr Right.  Imagine how I will feel when I start to think that I DID find him??  YIKES!!   

Yes, no need to fret my dear friend, I think the amount of entries in this blog is safe for awhile yet.....lol.  Besides, if I run out of things to write about myself, I can always write about other's experiences...  ;)

So there you have it.  Something messed up is happening up there in my mind (yes, there). 

I want to find a life long partner.
 
I want to stop the crazy multiple dating. 

I want to develop a relationship with one man......

yet I'm scared of it.... 

I know that I will be disappointed if I have to go back to dating more than one man. 

I know that I will be happy to develop a relationship with only one. 

I know that. 

Yet........  I'm fighting it.  

Fighting it to the point of anxiety! 

Arghh!!!

Breath in, breath out.  I won't let the anxiety win.....

I will continue to live in the NEW comfort zone, I now know that it exists.

I will not allow myself to be scared of the unknown.....

I can and I will pursue this!

Signed, determinedly yours despite the anxiety,

SSW :)

THE zone

I seem to be in THE zone.  THE comfort zone that is.  I'm not here to complain about it.  No, not at all.  In fact, I'm here to tell you that this comfort zone is indeed, very very comfortable.  So comfortable that the thought has crossed my mind that I should be uncomfortable about it.  But then, I shook my head and said 'SSW, get the hell over it, just be freaken comfortable and enjoy the comfort zone.'  So I am.

I figured it was about time that I give my head a shake, that I mentally slap myself and that I just take the comfort, the emotions, the feelings, the ....whatever .....as they come.  I deserve it don't I??

In the last four days, I've seen PMrR1 twice.  The comfort that surrounds those outings are so alien to me that I sometimes wonder if in fact I'm not having some weird out of body experience type thing happening.  It sometimes feels like I'm watching our outings from the outside yet I'm definitely present in the moment.  I think what is throwing me off is that there is no bad feelings, no bells ringing, no fighting of the files (just the M file smiling) and well, just general strangeness that an outing with a man should be so calm and so comfortable...THE comfort zone.

Want to hear something even weirder?  The thought has not even crossed my mind that PMrR1 is playing a game.  I just thought of it to write it down, but it hasn't come to me while I'm with him.

So, here we have it.  A non-game playing, file shutter upper Mister that has gotten my attention.  I wasn't expecting that and frankly, I'm not sure what to say except that I will enjoy it.....  (I'm not even going to write....'enjoy it while it lasts' because that amount of cynicism is not on my radar...). 

Obviously PMrR1 and I are just at the beginning of our outings.  We are still getting to know each other and we are both still on a dating site.  We haven't had any discussions about that yet and that's ok.....  The discussion will happen when the timing is right.

I want to reassure you all that no one has stolen my blog. It is I, SSW writing this to you..... 

Remember in my entry 'PMrR1' I wrote that I was in a process of learning something and that I would tell you when I figured it out.  Well I think I'm figuring it out.....not quite there with sharing it yet because I'm not sure how to verbalize it but something is developing up there (yes there).  I will share it when I fully get it....I won't forget to tell you once I know myself!

It just occured to me that I had to step out of my comfort zone in order to get into THE comfort zone....

Hmmmm, now THAT is something to think about!

Signed yours in comfort,

SSW :)