As I get older.....

.....it seems that 'things' or events or stressors affect me differently.  I used to rarely, if ever, be affected by such things, but now!  Holy cow!  I'm not sleeping or the little sleep that I am getting is actually consumed by nightmares and dreams and totally strange happenings.

Yes, this 45 year old perimenopausal women does have a few things going on all at once.  Between two jobs and a son and family and my personal life along with my hormonal woes (of which I will spare you the details), sleep not only seems like a waste of time it is unfortunately very elusive.

I remember a time when sleep was not such a problem no matter what was happening.

A close friend of mine who is also divorced and now remarried told me once that if you go through a seperation, that something 'breaks' in you.  Whether it be your sense of pride, your deception or just the high stress.  That you don't see life the same way anymore that you are affected by the little things on a different level.  I tend to agree with her.

I have not seen PMrR1 since I last wrote to you about him.  I have exchanged a few emails with him though and we are meeting at the end of the weekend.  We have also exchanged emails on the dating site when we happened to both be there together.  It was very odd.....

Since writing to you, I have received several emails on the dating site and already have two potential first meetings lined up.  I purposely refused them for this week because I wanted to meet with PMrR1 one more time in order to settle a few questions in my mind.  The meetings are tentatively set for next week.  I need to be clear with PMrR1 before moving on.  After this meeting, assuming that PMrR1 wants to continue dating others, I will tell him that I can't see him anymore. 

Now before any of you tell me not to write him off or to see him less but to still see him, please let me explain.  I do not want to be put in a situation where I get attached to someone only to potentially watch him leave with another woman that he has met on one of his dates.  I will not put mysef through that, no way, not going to happen!

For the record, I don't want to date others and I would prefer to continue seeing PMrR1 exclusively but.....

We will see what our next date holds, but, from experience, I don't think that much will come out of it.  I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic....

My anxiety is up and down with this.  I'm sitting here writing this and looking at my knitting....haha..   Honestly though, I'm looking forward to having this settled one way or another.

As I get older, stress and I don't mix well.  It's funny, I want a relationship and I know that it won't always be stress free, but sometimes, being single is stressful in itself.....

Arghhhh!!!!!

Signed: a slightly stressed and still not really smiling,

SSW

 

I actually looked like this today!  lol!  :)

The lesson.....

In my entry 'PMrR1' I told you that I was in the process of learning something.   I'm still struggling with it.  It is an important lesson and it has to do with trust.  It has to do with not only trusting a man at face value but for also trusting myself.

I spent a bit of time today reading some of my old posts.  It dawned on me how much my instinct (or my warning bells or my files) are really working.  Whether I was talking to you about Mr Handsome or Mr Dangerous or even Mr 2G2BT, even if there was nothing seriously 'wrong' with any of them (as in Mr 2G2BT), my instinct to doubt was always right!!

Take PMrR2 for instance, even with everything that he was saying, all the right things, all the right words, something was bugging me.  Yes, granted, I did lose interest pretty darn quickly however, PMrR2 has disappeared.  He dropped off the face of the earth it seems.  I'm not sure why??  I didn't say anything to him pertaining to PMrR1 that had captured my interest.  I WAS going to drop PMrR2 gently and tell him I wanted to concentrate my efforts on someone else, but he's gone (thus making it easier on me).  So it seems that for him also, whatever was 'bugging' me was a good indicator.

The lesson that I'm learning is that I can indeed trust myself.  Yes, I still have to silence some fake warning bells, but for the most part, after several outings with someone, if something is still making me doubt, I need to trust that.  What I'm feeling (or not feeling) with PMrR1  has definitely confirmed that for me.

I was pretty bummed out in my last entry.  I still am.  I am putting things in perspective though and yes, I suspect I will still see PMrR1 (I'm not asking for the outing though).  I don't want to raise my hopes and I won't allow it.  My thoughts are not permitted to go that direction and I do everything I can for thought control.  I'm hoping that maybe I'll be lucky but I'm only trusting myself in this case.  Trusting myself to steer away from the hope because I cannot and will not allow myself disappointment.  Not at this point!  No way! 

I have several things going on at once up there (yes there).  Because my interest is so great in PMrR1, I don't feel like getting back to dating.  So tonight,  almost against my will, I turned on my profille and my pictures.

Now please believe me when I say that I am not bragging.  Anyone can look good with a bit of make up and well done up hair.  Within 10 minutes of turning on my pictures, I had received 9 emails from men on the dating site.  Again, I'm not tooting my own horn, it is not the point I'm trying to make. 

What followed after this was not expected.  Without a word of lie, my anxiety shot up 100% .  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm not ready to move on? 

When I first met PMrR1 he was the first and only man that did not want to see my pictures before meeting me.  How impressed was I by that?

Obviously the 9 men contacting me tonight, for the most part, had probably not taken the time to read my complete profile.  This superficial aspect of a dating site is bothering me at the moment.....  How sure am I that no one read that profile?  After 10 minutes, I hid my pictures and I haven't received an email since.....  Pretty darn sad....  my profile is not hidden anymore......just the pictures.

The other thing happening is that I'm concerned that I will have to stop seeing PMrR1 altogether.  I will have to cut the cord because once again, my interest is too great and I suspect will only grow everytime I see him.  If we are not on the same wavelength, what is the point of seeing each other?  Again, I will NOT be disappointed.  No way!  NOT going to happen.....

I feel like pouting and screaming that it isn't fair :(

I finally meet someone that has got my full attention, someone with whom I would like without a doubt to explore the possibilities of an exclusive relationship and he isn't ready....  Damn!!!

I've asked the question before and I'm asking it again.  What the hell am I doing wrong?

One way or another, big lesson learnt with PMrR1.  I was concerned that I was going to have bells ringing for every man out there.  I'm learning that it is not the case.  I am capable of trusting at face value it seems.  So far so good anyways.  I'm capable of it!!!  Look at that!!  That is great news eh!?

Now let's just see if there is a Potential Mister Right out there than can somewhat match PMrR1 AND who is ready to try exclusivity....

I feel like I've just babbled...I hope this makes sense....

The smile is slowly coming back,

SSW

POOF!!!!...... Gone!

What is gone?  My anxiety for now.  Why is it gone?  Why indeed!  You would think that it should still be there, more than ever.....

I had a beautiful evening with PMrR1.  He is a sweet, gentle, kind man and I love his company.  Still no bells ringing, quiet files, all is good.....except....

As predicted, PMrR1 is not ready for more.  He has not dated as much, has been single for a bit more than 2 years as opposed to my 10 and is a bit apprehensive it seems (aren't we all).

We both agree that our relationship has the potential of becoming serious very quickly.  That is a problem if you are not ready for it.

So why is my anxiety gone?  Simple.  What do I have to be anxious about?  I'm not going to see PMrR1 as often so I'm obviously not going to develop anything serious with him. 

The first words out of my good friend's mouth was give him time, he's scared.  My reply to that was that I am NOT waiting.  I cannot let myself think those things.  In my book, the potential has now diminished to non-existant or almost.   Yes, I'll go out with him again if he asks (I'm not asking), but that is it..... 

So there you have it.....  What I really want to do is just kick back, relax, ignore everything and just do my thing.  What I will force myself to do is get back into the dating circle....  I have to do it or I will fall back into my comfort zone....the one where I'm stuck in my own little world.  It's an ok world but the risk of staying there is too great,  so I'm not going to look that way for now.  I'm still comforted by the fact that I can go there when I'm good and ready to go there.....  but for now, deep down, I know that it's not the time.  I don't know why I feel that, but I do.....

The anxiety is gone for now..... so why do I feel so bad and so sad and mostly so discouraged?

In the next few days.......

- the online dating profile will be back on.....

- the online dating pictures will be back on.....

Here we go again......

Damn....

SSW :(

P.S.  There will be a smile again very soon beside my SSW signature.....I just need a bit of time to absorb this....

OHHHH What a feeling!!

I am feeling fine for the most part but......

I'm feeling anxious.

Up until the summer of 2009, anxiety used to be a foreign feeling for me.  In the Spring of 2009, I was widowed.  I was executor of my ex-husband's will and was kept busy with paper work, with two jobs and with my son.  Thankfully I had family and friends to help me.  However, once the summer of 2009 hit and I started my holidays, something happened to me. 

Everything was pretty well completed in terms of paperwork and my son and I were settling into a new routine. 

Then one beautiful morning in early July, I will never forget it, I was feeling funny.  I felt out of sorts.  A bit dizzy, short of breath, shaky and couldn't quite settle my breathing.  I am asthmatic so I thought it was an attack kicking in.  I took the required asthma medication but that didn't help much.  In turn, it only served to make me even more out of breath.  Suddenly, I sat down on one of my steps leading into my kitchen and I said to myself  'what is happening to you'?

Then it hit me.....  In theory, I knew exactly what was happening to me.  I was having a panic attack!  If I would not have known theoretically what was happening to me, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up in the hospital.  Thankfully, once I started doing some deep breathing and such, things settled..... 

Once I got my breathing under control, I needed to find the cause of this anxiety. 

It took me a bit to figure it out but I finally did.....It dawned on me how angry I was at my husband for having died.  How dare he leave me with a soon to be teen at the time!  We had always promised each other that, despite our differences, that we would always support each other as parents for our son throughout his childhood and his teenage years.  I was angry for being left alone and I was terrified at the thought of being a single parent to a teen. 

Anger is one of the stages of grievance.  I knew that my reaction was normal but I wasn't counting on the anxiety.  Once I realized the cause of my concern, I was able get myself under control.

Although I am much better now, since that time, every once in awhile when things get to be too much in terms of.....life (for lack of a better word), the anxiety hits me.  It is not a good feeling and it is one that I try to avoid through deep breathing, through exercise and through a variety of stress control.

So now we come to my dating life.  I am only dating PMrR1 at the moment.  We will see each other again soon and I'm sure the opportunity to talk will come up.  After our talk, we may decide to pursue on the dating site and to continue seeing others or we may decide on exclusivity.

Now the point of my dating is to find a life long partner.....right? 

I'm feeling good about PMrR1.  I really am.  I would like to have exclusivity with him and to see where things go.  On the other hand, I'm having this weird and strange thought that to pursue dating others would be so much.....

Better?  No. 

Calmer?  No. 

Saner?  No. 

Less tiring?  No.

hmmmm....  Comforting?  Perhaps?

But the thing is, in my mind,  I know that seeing only one person would indeed be saner, be comforting and be so much better for me.  I know this intellectually, but on an emotional level it's hmmmmm, it's.....what's the word....hmmmm.....let's see.....

IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!!!!  *sigh*

A sweet and dear colleague and friend of mine casually told me today that I was 'slacking in my writing'.  That she was anticipating my next entry and that I hadn't written in a few days.  She asked me straight out, 'what are you going to write about when you find Mr Right'? 

It's a darn good question isn't it?  Well I'm here to tell her and all of you that I used to wonder the same thing.  But now, not so much. 

Firstly, for the record, I still offically haven't found HIM, but secondly and more importantly, I think I will have to deal and write about the anxiety that is occurring with just the POTENTIAL of finding a Mr Right.  Imagine how I will feel when I start to think that I DID find him??  YIKES!!   

Yes, no need to fret my dear friend, I think the amount of entries in this blog is safe for awhile yet.....lol.  Besides, if I run out of things to write about myself, I can always write about other's experiences...  ;)

So there you have it.  Something messed up is happening up there in my mind (yes, there). 

I want to find a life long partner.
 
I want to stop the crazy multiple dating. 

I want to develop a relationship with one man......

yet I'm scared of it.... 

I know that I will be disappointed if I have to go back to dating more than one man. 

I know that I will be happy to develop a relationship with only one. 

I know that. 

Yet........  I'm fighting it.  

Fighting it to the point of anxiety! 

Arghh!!!

Breath in, breath out.  I won't let the anxiety win.....

I will continue to live in the NEW comfort zone, I now know that it exists.

I will not allow myself to be scared of the unknown.....

I can and I will pursue this!

Signed, determinedly yours despite the anxiety,

SSW :)

THE zone

I seem to be in THE zone.  THE comfort zone that is.  I'm not here to complain about it.  No, not at all.  In fact, I'm here to tell you that this comfort zone is indeed, very very comfortable.  So comfortable that the thought has crossed my mind that I should be uncomfortable about it.  But then, I shook my head and said 'SSW, get the hell over it, just be freaken comfortable and enjoy the comfort zone.'  So I am.

I figured it was about time that I give my head a shake, that I mentally slap myself and that I just take the comfort, the emotions, the feelings, the ....whatever .....as they come.  I deserve it don't I??

In the last four days, I've seen PMrR1 twice.  The comfort that surrounds those outings are so alien to me that I sometimes wonder if in fact I'm not having some weird out of body experience type thing happening.  It sometimes feels like I'm watching our outings from the outside yet I'm definitely present in the moment.  I think what is throwing me off is that there is no bad feelings, no bells ringing, no fighting of the files (just the M file smiling) and well, just general strangeness that an outing with a man should be so calm and so comfortable...THE comfort zone.

Want to hear something even weirder?  The thought has not even crossed my mind that PMrR1 is playing a game.  I just thought of it to write it down, but it hasn't come to me while I'm with him.

So, here we have it.  A non-game playing, file shutter upper Mister that has gotten my attention.  I wasn't expecting that and frankly, I'm not sure what to say except that I will enjoy it.....  (I'm not even going to write....'enjoy it while it lasts' because that amount of cynicism is not on my radar...). 

Obviously PMrR1 and I are just at the beginning of our outings.  We are still getting to know each other and we are both still on a dating site.  We haven't had any discussions about that yet and that's ok.....  The discussion will happen when the timing is right.

I want to reassure you all that no one has stolen my blog. It is I, SSW writing this to you..... 

Remember in my entry 'PMrR1' I wrote that I was in a process of learning something and that I would tell you when I figured it out.  Well I think I'm figuring it out.....not quite there with sharing it yet because I'm not sure how to verbalize it but something is developing up there (yes there).  I will share it when I fully get it....I won't forget to tell you once I know myself!

It just occured to me that I had to step out of my comfort zone in order to get into THE comfort zone....

Hmmmm, now THAT is something to think about!

Signed yours in comfort,

SSW :)

How do you know?

Ever stop and wonder what is just around the corner.  Metaphorically speaking of course?  I don't think that there is one group of people that is as adept as 'waiting to see what is around the corner' as online daters. 

Let's go out together.....but first, give me a bit more time online to see who else is there.  Is there anyone better?  Perhaps better suited?  Maybe more  handsome or prettier....a prince or princess waiting to meet us?

Indeed, the dating world has the potential to never end!  Could you freaken imagine?  I'd lose my mind and would definitely quit dating and do my own thing forever instead of having to put myself through perpetual dating.

That being said, how do you know when to stop?  I guess at one point you have got to put your foot down and make a decision.  It doesn't mean that you will be with that person for the rest of your life but it does mean that you will make the decision to attempt a relationship with one person.

The trick lies in both parties wanting to put their foot down together.  One may be ready to take the leap but not the other one.....

With PMrR1 and PMrR2, I learnt a big lesson.  Although they were both introduced to me more or less at the same time, I found it difficult for a short time.  Thankfully it was indeed a short time and PMrR1 did stand out pretty quickly.  Now, as much as possible, I would like to only date one person at a time and get to know him.   That being said though, I will NOT wait around if the other person does not want exclusivity. 

I don't know if PMrR1 is ready to take the leap.....  My instinct is saying he is not for the simple reason that he has not dated as much as I have.  I am willing to wait for the next couple of weeks and see what happens over our next few dates.  I'm not sure when or even if the 'exclusivity' talk will ever occur but I will give it time and be patient.

I'm not meeting new people, not dating anyone else and things are quiet on that front.  That being said, I'm super busy with work and with my son so it's all good.

It's weird, it feels like I'm waiting around for something.....    Patience is the name of the game.....  I have to find it somewhere....*sigh*.  I'll figure it out!  Right?

Signed a very patient (for now) SSW :)

PMrR1

As stated in my last two entries, I have (had) two potential misters in my life.  Both have (had) my attention!  I talked to you a bit about PMrR2 in my last entry but in this one, I want to talk to you about the other mister.  PMrR1.

PMrR1 is a reserved, quiet, cute, funny, intelligent and respectful man.  He is certainly not as exuberant as PMrR2 but that is ok also (it's really ok). We had a lovely outing last night.  Enjoyed a few drinks, a nice dinner and fantastic conversation. 

Frankly I'm a little bit in shock.  Not only do I NOT have any bells ringing, but my files are calm and quiet.  I am not questioning one thing that was said, I have no doubt that I should trust everything that he said and I'm not even doubting myself for NOT doubting this!  What in the world is going on?  Scarier yet, PMrR1 is blowing PMrR2 out of the water.....  (oh how quickly they can fall..lol).

Now you may ask me if I like PMrR1.  The answer is yes I do.  I very much like his company so it's not a question of complacency on my part.

Frankly, I'm not sure what to write at the moment apart from the fact that I'm a bit in shock over my reaction or my lack of reaction.....

Hmmmm, well, so there you have it.  My resume so far of PMrR1.  I'm looking forward to seeing him again, to see if I will feel the same way after our next outing....  I don't see why not but then again, this non-reaction is so alien to me that I can't see why I would not feel the anxiety increasing.

It sounds like I'm almost anticipating to be back on 'track' and have the files freak out on me (haha).  Obviously that is not what I want.....  but...but....but....???

The trust file is smiling a little bit.  It even winked at me!  What the heck is that all about!?  That particular file hasn't smiled or winked since I've started this crazy dating thing.  In fact, at times, I had to check for a pulse on the file to make sure it was still alive!!  YIKES!!

If the possibility of trusting one man can make the other one's light dim so much in my eyes (such as what is happening to PMrR2), well then the sky is the limit when it comes to trusting others isn't it? 

I think I'm in the process of learning a lesson.  I obviously can't tell at this early stage if PMrR1 is THE right one but .....  I'm learning something, I can feel it.  I'll let you know if this feeling continues.... or what it is I'm actually learning if I figure it out.  I have to think right now.

As you have already probably figured out, I'm usually not at a loss for words in this blog.....  but apparently I am at the moment....

Signed a relatively quiet and a totally stunned SSW.... 

:)