PMrR2

So here I am wavering between two Potential Mr Right.  Number 1 and number 2.  In my last post, I wrote a quick list to compare them both.  At that point, I wasn't even sure if I was going to hear back from PMrR1 but I did.  We will see each other over the weekend in a few days.

In the meantime, PMrR2 has been calling me every night and chatting me up.  He loves to talk!  I saw him again last night for a few hours.  He is a kind, gentle, open, respectful and handsome man.  I love his company.  He is saying the 'right' things in terms of what he wants in a relationship and what he wants in life.  He is charming but not overly so.  I can see a romantic side to him, however with him, unlike Mr2G2BT, I can see where he would be romantic for the sake of romance and not for anything else!  Yes, PMrR2 has serious potential to reel me in....hook, line and sinker!  Oh boy.....

That being said though, I can't help but wonder (you really didn't think that it was going to be that easy did you)? I can't help but wonder why he is being so open, so sensitive so...... perfect!?  Is it culturally based?  Has he had enough life experience to know exactly what it is he needs to tell a woman?  I really really like what he is saying.  I like that he wants a long term relationship.  I like that he says that he wants and needs faithfulness and loyalty.  I like that his goal is to be 'happy' for the rest of his life because he hasn't been happy in his other relationships.  He seems honest when he holds my hand and tells me these things. 

So what the hell is wrong with me?

Ok, so I'm not 16 anymore and I won't necessarily fall for those lines quickly.  But are they lines?  How do I know if they are lines?  I've already determined that whatever bells I'm hearing are fake so I can't rely on those.  Plus, I'm not really hearing bells anyways.  I know that the problem is in my perception of things.

I will evoke the files here.  The files are a way for me to express what is happening in my mind.  It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm feeling 'worst', it is just a simpler way for me to express what it is I'm feeling and thinking.

To reiterate....the E-file is my experience file   The file in which I have stored all of my life experiences...the good and the bad.  The T-file is my trust file.  That is a messed up file because I never ever know what or whom I should trust.  I don't know why this is a messed up file.  I have not had extremely horrific experiences that have led me to NOT trust easily.  I'm still in the process of figuring this out.  When I first introduced the files in my entry 'The ET files' I decided to introduce another one called the M-file or the mitigation file, the file that will eliminate or reduce the impact of the two other files on each other.  The one that will try to balance out, to be the referee if you wish between my two other files.  So far so good and I've been sorting things out in my mind (up there).  With the help of this blog, with the help of some comments from you the readers and with processing things in my mind, I have figured out with the M file that my warning bells are sometimes fake.  I'm now aware of that and need to sometimes ignore them.

So this being said, in order for me to explain to you in writing what it is I'm thinking or feeling, I talk about the files.  It's an easy way to visualize things.

In terms of PMrR2, my E file feels nervous.  I can actually imagine the file pacing back and forth.  The problem is I DON'T know why it is nervous.  What is causing this anxiety?  The Trust file is literally shaking.  It wants to trust PMrR2, it wants to believe him but it is struggling very much right now.  Past experiences have shown me that SOME men are full of lines (amongst other things....HA!).  They will say the 'right' things when trying to hook in a woman.  However, past experiences have also shown me that SOME men actually mean it when they say the 'right' things.  They do not have any hidden agendas and they actually mean what they say.  So why am I always assuming the worst?  The M file is confused right now.  It doesn't know what to mitigate.  The experience file is anxious, the trust file is shaking from nervousness and the M file isn't sure how or what to referee. 

The one logical thing that is happening up there (in my head) is that I keep coming to the same resolve.  The resolve that I need to spend more time with PMrR2 and see what happens.  Will I feel better?  Will I feel worst?  Will he convince me?  Is it a question of him convincing me or is it a question of me TRUSTING?  I don't know......  Will time tell?  In my mind, the M file is happy to wait right now.  To wait and to see what  happens.

I know that some of you are reading this right now and are saying SSW, you analyze wayyyy too much!  I know I do.  I truly do!  When I tell myself to stop analyzing so much, it's fine for a while but the UNDER analysis does not take care of the questions I have in terms of trusting.

So again, I come to the same conclusion; that I will begin by trusting myself.  I will trust ME, the most important person in MY life.  I will trust that I will know when to start trusting others.  I will trust that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel with this trusting others thing and I will trust myself that I will not mess up over and over again when it comes to figuring out men.

I especially hope (there's that HOPE word) that I can finally trust one of the misters.  Whether it be one of those two potential misters or another one.  I know that at one point I will need to take a chance and to say 'ok, I believe him, I trust him and I know that what he is saying is true'.  Not only take the chance to believe him but to deep down in my heart and in my soul believe him.....  Wow that is scary!!  Can I actually attain that?  I want to attain that level of trust.  But can I?

Signed a pensive SSW :)