Hope, luck and trust!

My out of province niece and I were texting awhile back.  She was asking me how I was doing with this dating thing I'm doing.  I told her it was always an interesting adventure, that generally speaking I was doing ok but that sometimes, I get discouraged and want to quit it all.

She replied the old adage that 'sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs'.  To which I gagged and said thank goodness I don't kiss them all! (lol).

After chuckling a bit, my dear niece said 'oh well, you just do what you can and hope for the best'.  I found that interesting and I replied to her 'is there really an element of hope or do you just have to trust'?  My wise niece then replied 'I think we're all trying to learn that lesson.  Trust is the hard part....but sometimes you have to or you become bitter'.   To which I stated 'Or you just stay alone'.

A conversation between an aunt and a niece.  I love my nieces (and my nephews).....  This particular one and I only have a couple of years difference.  She has had her share of experiences, as we all have at our age.  She made an interesting comment and I've been thinking about it on and off in the last few months.

Is meeting Mr Right based on hope, on luck or on trust? 

I find hope to be misleading and sometimes false.  How many times have I hoped that this Mr or that Mr was the right one?  I don't want to become bitter or cynical and I'm always watching for those signs.  For example, last night I went out to dinner with a new Mr.  Yes, my dating profile is hidden but I can still look at the other people's profile and communicate with them if I want to. This was my second outing with this Mr.  When I came back from dinner, my good friend wanted to know how it had gone.  She asked me if it was one of my better dates.  I told her it was but that it didn't mean anything.  She didn't understand that.  How could a date be one of my better ones but not mean anything?  I had to explain to her that I've had several fantastic dates but that sometimes it just doesn't work out for a variety of reasons.  I think this is where the hope comes in.....  and the luck?

Luck, let's talk about that.  I'm lucky and blessed to have a good life.  I'm happy, healthy, well employed.....  But is that luck?  Is that luck or am I making sure that I have those things?  Yes I'm healthy but have you seen my work out schedule and my eating habits?  Yes, I'm well employed but I do have a good education under my belt.  I'm happy, but many many times, happiness is what you make, it is your decision to not base your happiness on anyone else but yourself (I've talked about this already).  So am I lucky or am I just making things happen for myself?  By this reasoning then, meeting Mr Right is not luck, it is something that I have to achieve for myself.  I have conquered my share of ups and downs, have prevailed over my weight problems, have reached quite a few goals by sheer determination.  That being said, what the heck am I NOT doing right in order to find Mr Right?  Or is this where trust comes in?

Oh oh.  I have to talk about it.  Not only do I have to talk about it, I also have to face THE trust....  I will loop this back to my niece's comments 'trust is the hard part but sometimes you have to or you become bitter'.  Sigh!!!

I still say I'm not bitter.  I'm not bitter towards men, but I will start being bitter or disappointed with myself if I don't shake my head on this and wake up soon.

Trust.  Fully, completely trusting someone of the other gender.  It scares the hell out of me.  There, I said it again.  I don't know why!  I don't want to get hurt (not many people do).  I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  Logically, I will have to incorporate the trust into my life or I will be alone.

Mr Dangerous is trying his best to get me to reconsider.  In my last entry 'Games people play' I mentionned to you that I thought he might have another life in another town.  He doesn't admit to that, he tells me he is a free spirit and that he just likes adventures.  In his next sentence he then tells me that he is leaving again this weekend. 

Mr Dangerous is telling me more and more clearly that he wants a sexual relationship with me. Do any of you have any idea how tempting that is? (lol).   I'm not being asked to trust him.  I'm basically being given the chance to have a sexually safe and amazing time with an extremely sexy man.  Now many of you would say 'Damn that is LUCK'!  HAHA!! 

The scary thing is that deep down, I would feel more comfortable with Mr Dangerous right now BECAUSE I'm not being asked to trust him.  I'm being asked to keep it at a simpler level and this for me is not only more tempting but less 'dangerous'.  That being said, I do have enough life experience to know that this would not end well for me.  Psychologically and emotionally, MOST women do not see sex as being only sex.  In the long run we do get attached whether we want to or not.....but not necessarily for the right reasons.

Before this turns into a Shades of Grey episode (wink), I will tell you that I will resist Mr Dangerous (by simply not seeing him).  Yes he is very tempting but my goal is to find a life partner.  Mr Dangerous does not have the makings of a life partner for me because I already don't trust him.  I have to follow my gut instinct on this.

So back to trusting.  I'm concluding that I will have to build up to trusting someone.  I've said in the past that I will trust first and then see what happens but that is not working out it seems.  Therefore I will now try the opposite.  I will not trust at first and will see if the trust can be earned.  So going back to my good friend's question last night on whether this date with Mr was one of my best.  The answer is still yes but I don't trust that it will go anywhere.  Oh I will HOPE and I will try to invoke LUCK but right now, the trust is low on all aspects. 

How much hope do I have for this Mr?  Well if you've noticed, I have not named him.  Why?  Because I'm HOPING that I will be LUCKY because he has a lot of Mr Right potential.  But I won't give him that name because I don't trust it yet.....

I'm thinking this reasoning may be a bit messed up.  I don't know, I will have to think about it. 

On the other hand, I have a lot of experience with my messed up thought process (haha).  I trust myself that I will figure this out, that I will see a light at the end of this tunnel..... I don't hope it, I'm not relying on luck, I just trust myself.....  I will get there....  This is now a challenge and I will figure it out!  Trust me on that!

Signed with confidence in the trust that I have in myself.....

SSW :)