Perplexing Phenomenons

Something strange is happening.  It is leaving me perplexed and wondering.  I admit it openly, a wave of analysis is taking place.  What is even stranger is that my M file is feeling very good in the work that she has done, the E file is left speechless at the moment (now that is a rare event) and the T file.....well the T file is still pretty emotionless but at least his eyes are opened and he is looking around and keeping an eye on things, the file is still firmly shut though.....  Yes, perplexing phenomenons indeed!!!  If you are confused over my file analogy please refer to my January entry of 'The ET Files'.

As I have told you recently, I have decided to turn off my pictures in my dating profile.  This time around it is proving to be quieter and I have not had many emails since.  This was the goal.  To give me a break.  I do not have any other dates or meetings (or whatever they are called) planned for this week apart from my first and second date with Mr 2G2BT.

The strange thing is, I am not feeling the urge to go and look around on that dating site.  It has even occurred to me to turn off the profile and to just let it be.  Have I reached my limit, the one that I've talked about in the past.  Am I ready to just let the dating be, to get back into my comfort zone of doing my own thing?  Or is something even scarier happening? 

I suspect that it's the latter and not the former that is in the works right now.  Scary indeed!  I think that I'm finding comfort in Mr 2G2BT's company.  Let me tell you that my Trust file in on the verge of sealing itself shut and that the Experience file is presently shaking his head in disgust.  The Mitigation file is frowning at both of them.  She is not pleased with their attitude!! 

I'm automatically fighting this feeling of comfort with a man.  I'm thinking of excuses not to be comfortable and not to trust.  In fact, I think I heard a bell.  I know, I know,  the bell is fake!  It's a fake but I am hearing one nevertheless ....  No, I won't run the other way.  Not yet anyways.  I will see this through.  I'm not sure on the source of this angst.

I'm telling you all right now that it's freaking me out though.  My ET files cannot wait to tell me 'I told you so'.   The M file is jumping up and down at them at the moment and yelling at them to be quiet! (quite the visual eh - HA)!

I am seeing this comfort with a man as pressure and I'm not sure why.  I'm seeing it as a bit of stress and it's definitely throwing me out of my comfort zone in a big way.

So what to do?  I will do what I promised I would in my other entries.  I will not over analyze (or try not to), I will not jump to conclusions (especially seeing that I'm approaching Paused Mental Stability again), I will take a deep breath and I will keep busy.

Be assured that I'm ok.  This is not stressing me out to the point of no return.  It just bugs me when I think about it so work and exercise are key factors for me right now.

All and all, I think I've done some major leaps and bounds in this dating world.  Before I started blogging and writing about my thoughts and experiences, I would have just thrown all of this away with Mr 2G2BT.  Now, I'm giving it a chance, I'm developing patience and I'm learning to know myself at another level.  A level where I will have to learn to trust another human being.  Something that I haven't had to do in the last 10 years or so of my life because I only had to trust myself to make things work out.  Of course I had friends and family around and of course I trusted them.  But bottom line, when it came to daily things, to surviving at most levels, I had to trust me and me alone.  Now I need to allow this trust to expand without thinking that I will implode, explode or that someone is out to get me.  I need to stop the thought process that I must protect myself and everything that I have just because I'm starting to allow someone to be close to me......

(That last paragraph just flew out of me....what a mouthful that was eh)?

Why am I thinking like that to begin with?  I don't know.  I've been independent for too long?  I've worked too hard by myself to get out of a few holes whether they be financial or emotional?  I'm not sure. 

I will need to take that chance and to trust.  To trust at all levels,  but especially with my heart!  Oh boy.....  scary and perplexing.....

I can do this...one day at a time....one date at a time.  I will NOT panic and run the other way.....

I sometimes feel like her - HAHA!!

SSW :)