I was in the change room yesterday at the gym. The change room is proving to be a good ressource for this blog :)
This time around, my ears got tuned into a conversation between two older ladies. I gave them each to be about 10 years older than me in their mid fifties. I wasn't eavesdropping but they were talking loudly so who am I not to listen? Ha!
These seasoned ladies were talking divorce! One of them had had it and she was 'at the end of her rope' with it. Her soon to be ex was being a jerk (imagine that) and while she was at home struggling with the teens he was on holidays somewhere warm and comfy. He was not paying his child support and he was bashing her to anyone that would listen. The friend listening to her was trying to be empathetic. She was listening to her, trying to encourage her and talking about her own divorce experience. Her encouraging words took a funny turn though when she told her that it could take years and years to settle but that eventually the court would catch up to him and that the so-called dead beat dad would have to provide support.... The first lady blanched a little at the mention of years and years. She then stated something that stopped me dead in my tracks: 'I'm NOT doing this ever again' she said, 'I'm through with men'!
As you can imagine, this conversation got me thinking..... Am I so sure I want to get involved in a long term relationship and thus potentially have to deal with ups and downs and maybe break ups? I don't want to break up a relationship before I even start one (no, I'm not quite that cynical) but the thought of seperation has crossed my mind. Obviously, having been seperated once (and as far as seperation goes, it was a good one, my late husband was a fantastic father, considerate and even generous when it came to child support), having been seperated once, the thought has realistically crossed my mind.
Now I don't know what you think, but a seperation or a divorce is hard. It is physically, socially, emotionally and psychologically draining. It can create a sense of desperateness, it can create anxiety, depression and stress so high that you didn't even realize it existed at that level. On my part, a seperation has left me vulnerable on many levels....yet also stronger on other levels. No, it is not easy breaking up with a partner.
So this strong, vulnerable, non-cynical, cautious and worried women is thinking. I have stated before and I state again that there is no way that I'm entering a long term, living-with-someone relationship without a prenup. Obviously, I should probably worry about getting into this said relationship before talking living with him (haha).
Lots of people are of the opinion that if you start a relationship with a prenup well then it's because you are getting ready for it to fail. Others think that you are nuts if you do not have a prenup!
Romantic or not, wanting it to succeed or not, I'm not risking what I do have for Mr Right (if I ever find him). Of that I am sure. If Mr Right does not agree to a prenup, well then, I will be disappointed, but Mr Right will be out of my life.... I promise that.
Yes, I know I will get comments about my attitude right now. I understand that you have to be positive and that you have to send good energy out to the universe... I get it. But I'm a big believer in being realistic....
I hid my whole profile on the dating site tonight. I've had it with the dating for now. I'm confused and tired and those are not good combinations. I'm not sure who I'm dating and who I'm not dating anymore. I think I will just let things be for a bit and go out once in awhile with the Misters I do know.
I know enough that when I start talking about breakups and prenups and divorce that I am not at a good enough place to really move forward with anyone but with myself for now. So I will concentrate on my son, myself, my work and do my thing for a bit....
Yours, by herself...... SSW :)
You sound frustrated my dear SSW.
ReplyDeleteAnd exhausted.
I thought you might like hearing from someone who did get a prenuptial before she married. Since I came into this relationship with my own house, pension, investments and my husband also had his own, and we both have children from a previous marriage, we both wanted to keep things separate in the event of our deaths. Upon the death of either one of us, things don't automatically pass on to the other spouse but go into our respective estates, to be portioned out as we have put into our will. The prenuptial is binding and we both had independent counsel.
We are both happy with this arrangement. We feel secure that it is fair for us and our children. We didn't see it as a matter of mistrust, on the contrary. I do think though, that this might be because we had similar assets.It alleviated my worries and issues of `protecting my assets` that interfere in a relationship.
I think if you can connect with someone who is pretty much on the same economic level as you, it is easier. It might not sound romantic but like you said, we have to be realistic. It certainly didn't harm our love for each other.
Another thing I will add. My husband isn't perfect, neither am I. We have to respect our differences, or sometimes ignore them. I have to fight the urge to change him to fit what I think he should be like. Guys are definitely different. Communication is very important. And acceptance that after tons of communication, we still sometimes just don't get each other. Our common goal is to have a loving, happy marriage. When I'm not so happy with him or the situation at hand, and my heels are dug into the carpet and I won't budge until I win, I will get a lightbulb moment: Is this going to get me that happy, loving marriage?
Good luck and chin up!
I think you're doing the right thing by hiding your dating profile for now. You are going out with two men who interest you, one more than the other, let this develop for a bit, see where it goes, you can always go back to the dating site.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with prenuptials, especially when mature adults with kids of their own get married. It's just a way to clearly state what belongs to each and what should go to the kids later in life.
And lastly, go with the flow, sometimes you overthink things...lol.
To the first person that commented, thank you for your description of your prenup! Sounds like a good plan! I also like your views about happiness....it is definitely a choice to 'dig in your heels' or not... can make a difference in a marriage....
ReplyDeleteTo the second person, yes, I am seeing two right now. Mr 2G2BT may be approaching the end though. Unless something happens on Saturday that makes me see the light with him, I really think that it will be it. I'm just not feeling it. As for Mr Italian, yes, I'm very interested but I think he has some confusion as to what he wants..... I'll see how that goes....
And yes, you noticed, I do overthink....lol
Thank you both for your comments....
SSW :)
Dear Ms SSW... THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING A PRENUP!!! I am in total agreement... No prenup, then its guiddy-up and see you later alligator! If you were young and had accumulated nothing in life or had never worked to get what you now have, I think my response would be different... but at your age, having to raise your son for a number of years by yourself, you are wise to insist on a prenup... As you can probably appreciate, you may want to get legal advice as to how binding even a prenup is as rules continue to change given that society continues to change... However, making the commitment to someone is also having to take a chance on trusting that the person you are about to marry or co-habitate with is in the relationship for the right reasons... however, there are no guarantees in life... Unless you are absolutely sure, I would take A LOT, AND I DO MEAN, A LOT OF TIME before moving in with someone or getting married. Would it be so wrong to be in a long-term relationship but living in separate homes for 5 or 6 years... You can still have sleep overs... you are an adult and your son will also soon be there... Just keep that in mind...
ReplyDeleteThank you! I certainly do not intend to live with anyone for many years yet. I will have to start by finding him first....lol. Good points though and thank you for your support!
ReplyDeleteSSW :)