Unvirtuous me

There is an old adage that states that patience is a virtue.  That to be able to wait for something and to be able to trust that time will settle things is noble and oh so virtuous. 

Well I'm here to tell you that I've come to the realization that I'm unvirtuous and clearly not patient at all when it comes to relationships or the potential of one.

Oh I know all about the virtue of patience.  I have gone through years of weight battles, I work in the 'people field' where it is necessary to be very patient at times.  I know all about being patient.

Now why in the world can I not apply this patience to my dating life?  It's weird, I say I'm not desperate and that I am very independent yet, I want to jump ahead and see what happens? 

Now that I stop and think about it, I do that in books also.  I often jump ahead to the end of my book to read what will happen?  As a little girl, I used to go under the Christmas tree when no one was around and carefully unwrap my gifts to see what they were (thus ruining the surprise for Christmas day).  Why would I do that?  The obvious answer is that I'm impatient at times.  In case you are wondering, I do not still unwrap my gifts from under the tree before it's time to open them ;)

This begs the question.  Is there a control freak lurking in this Self-Sufficient Women's psyche somewhere?  OMG, I've been complaining that some men are control freaks.  Am I in fact just as bad as they are???  Why would I read ahead in a book?  Why would I unwrap gifts before the right time?  And why oh why am I impatient about this dating thing?

Frankly, I'm not exactly sure what is preventing me from dumping the whole dating scene.  I was way more comfortable NOT dating.  I was untroubled doing my thing at home, cozy and nestled in my own little world and not having to be concerned about this Mr or that Mr. 

It would be comforting to go back but I will NOT dump the whole dating world.  I am realizing that if I want to maybe find a life partner that I need to not feel the urge to control the outcome.  I must trust that the cards will fall where they fall and that the only thing that I can control is me and my reaction to it all.  Does that make sense?

I'm slowly figuring out that in order to trust, that I need to be patient with myself first and just go day to day and let things settle as they should. 

I am realizing that I do not NEED to know how anything develops.  I just have to give it time.

What I do need to do is to stop and take a deep breath when I start feeling that desire to know....whether it be in books, for gifts or for future possible relationships.  After the deep breath, I will keep myself busy.

Deep down somewhere inside of me, I feel the comfort of knowing that no matter what, I'll be ok.  That I am truly self-sufficient and that I do not have to do this at all costs.  I know that I am simply being impatient or perhaps even curious about the future. 

What I'm truly living though is the sensation you get when you apply for another job after 20 years of working at the same place, or when you decide you will leave your partner of  10 years.  I am feeling the distress of stepping out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes it is easier to stay where you are presently, whether it be in a boring job or in an unhappy relationship.  It is only when you have taken that leap of faith that you realize that there is another life out there for you.

I just hope that I can hold on to my patience and that I do not get discouraged too soon.  That IF ever I decide to drop this and go BACK to my comfort zone it will not be because I was scared of the outcome or that I was too impatient to wait.....

In my past entries, I have named some of my reasons in wanting a life partner.  One reason I have not yet admitted to you is my fear of growing old alone.  I know very well that I would be fine to grow old alone, that I'm ressourceful enough to keep busy and to do my own thing but still..... alone as you get older and as time creeps by....  it's sometimes scary.

I've had an absolutely amazing woman in my life that was alone for the last 25 years of her life.  My mother.  She was an incredible woman that took it one day at a time at all levels.  She made things happen for herself whether it be in terms of meeting new friends, finding new activities and learning new hobbies.  She never complained about being alone but sometimes I would spot a tiny little crack in the meaning of her words.  'It's not always easy being alone' she would say.  Or my favorite 'sometimes I have to have a good talk with myself '.  I already know what she meant by those words....

With a role model like that, I know that I would be more than ok, even if she did start her 'alone' stage at a much older age than what I am presently.

Another thing I admired so much about my mother is that, as she aged and as she saw her lifelong friends pass away, she built up a new social network.  She knew she had to continue having friends and she made sure to make that happen. Not a small feat for anyone, let alone an elderly person. 

I lost this incredible woman in July 2012.  Not a day goes by without me thinking of her several times per day.  In fact, sometimes I still catch myself wanting to call her...... I suspect it will take me awhile to 'remember' that I just can't call her...

I sometimes stop and imagine what she would think of this blog of mine.  I have a strong image of her shaking her head at me and telling me 'you are complicating your life my girl'.  lol.   She would have also stated that we must all go through our journey though....

I vow to all of you right now that I will not give up on my quest to finding a lifelong partner until I feel deep down that I have tried my best.  I will continue to filter my experiences through my mitigation file before entering any more data into my trust file though. That being said, I will definitely continue to trust myself, to try and trust the man I'm potentially going to date and to also consider your opinions before making any decisions.

More importantly, I will continue to challenge myself to move out of my comfort zone. 

I'm reminded of Lee Ann Womack's song 'I Hope You Dance'. 

I leave you with some of her lyrics.....

I remain yours, truly in search of virtue,

SSW :)