.....thought I'd come back here for a bit. My son and I are the only ones that will be enjoying the bird tonight. Friends have had to cancel due to company arriving.
After exercising this afternoon and checking in on 'my' dating site it dawned on me how quiet new year's day is nowadays. I remember as a little girl this day being bigger, busier and definitely more crowded that it is today. Of course, coming from a huge family of 9 children and with all the aunts, uncles and cousins (along with their dogs it seems) dropping in, things were busier.
We never visited on this day when I was a kid. Why you may ask? My father (remember the freudian link I promised....) had multiple sclerosis and could not move. At least, from what I remember of him he could not move. My siblings have other memories of him I am sure but since I am the youngest of the family, by the time I came along, the disease had progressed to the point of paralysis for him. So extended family came to us to wish us all the best in the new year. My mother was exhausted and tired, from all the guests but she had a smile on her face and everyone were welcomed into our home.
Is there a link to my father's illness and my dating life? Hmmm, well he was an older man (ha ha) and for someone who could not move, boy did he have a physical presence. He was smart, hard working (with his mind) and a good father. He passed away well over 25 years ago so my memory is that of a young woman. I do firmly believe that he did the best that he could with what he had and what he knew at the time. After thinking about it for a long long time, I've concluded that, even if a woman technically looks for a 'father figure' in her future mate, that I do not think that my relationship with him has negatively influenced me. I did marry someone over 20 years my senior but I know that this has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my dad.
What I have developed is the ability or the compassion if you wish to deal with the handicaped, whether they be physically or mentally or emotionally sick..... If I had to have a dad that was physically handicapped, at least something good came out of it in my case. I definitely think that his condition has influcenced my career choices. Whether I knew it twenty some years ago or not when i first started working in the 'people' field is of no importance. I realize it now.
The only link from him I can find that would explain what I am looking for in a man would be the intelligence, the hard working part and the respect he had for others. I don't think it necessarily takes a father figure for a woman to be looking for this in a mate does it?
I regret not knowing my dad from an adult point of view. I would have loved to have discussed with him many things including his views on dating.
I continue to re-visit the possible link between my father's life, my parent's relationship and my views on dating. We cannot forget that it is two different worlds from many many years ago when they were together and now.
I've been accused of over-analyzing at times (imagine that). I believe that the discovery of the self comes from personal analysis. I am much better and not as 'deep' about it as I used to be. Too much self-analysis is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
Over the years, through experience, through maturity and through living life, I'm slowly but surely discovering that sometimes you just have to let things happen without too much analysis.
Now to apply this wisdom to the dating world..... it's scary, believe me....
Yours in deep thought,
SSW :)
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