The Bummed Out List!

I've been kicking myself mentally all day!  It's not easy to kick yourself mentally, it doesn't take lots of physical energy but the mental energy....oh my!  If I could transfer that mental energy into calories burnt, I would never have to go to the gym again! 

Thankfully though, the gym does take care of settling my mental exhaustion from kicking myself too much up there (yes there).  My files are getting pushed around by me today.  I'm tired of them, I'm tired of hearing them battle and I don't want to hear them anymore.  The E file said this and the T file said that and the M file is confused and AHHHHHHH!!!!!    Shut up all of you already!  SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  The owner of the files is tired and is presently BUMMED OUT!| 

Yes, a big attack of being in the dumps is settling in.  *sigh*.

What am I gloomy about?  What is causing this disapointment? Well how much time do you have? 

1. Men
2. Me
3. Men
4. My expectations
5. My over analysis
6. Ignorant people
7. My reactions
8. My lack of trust
9. My constant questioning about everything
10. My patience

Once again.... *SIGH*....

Mr 2G2BT wrote to me this morning.  He enjoyed himself 'so much' on our outing on Friday.  He also says that he is thinking about me a lot..... Oh Oh!  I'm NOT thinking about him a lot.  I really hate that.  Will I ever be on the same page as another man?

More importantly, when I do meet someone and when it seems we are on the same page, how will I know if he's not a control freak with anger issues getting ready to strike?  How will I know if it's not someone that is 'faking' being on the same page just to get what he wants, just to reel me in?

I just heard you....You just yelled 'BE PATIENT'.  Yeah yeah yeah, stop the yelling, I know!  :)

Let's go through my bummed out list:

1. Men:  Not all of them are bad, most are good, I just need to meet the right one!  Of course, if so many of them would just be honest.....  but then again, when they are honest, I still don't want what they are being honest about (walk on me, have small feet, pee on me, smoke weed with me, be my friend with benefits, don't ask questions, be skinny, like my motor bike cause it is my priority, I want a woman who owns a house, I live with my parents, I don't talk to my kids, I'm a dead beat dad...etc...).  The list is wayyyy too long.

2.  Me:  Hmmm, why did I put ME on the list?  You are starting to know that ME person. Me told me that she is not disappointed with her core values, with whom she is and with her independence.  ME is just struggling with her vision and her attitude with the numbers 1 and 3 on her list.  ME is still very happy to be a SSW that can dump it all at any time (and let me tell you that it is super tempting right now).

3.  Men: Please refer to number 1.

4.  My expectations:  What am I?  Nuts?  Will I ever meet this man that I'm expecting to find?  Look at Mr 2G2BT.  What is wrong with him?  Ok, fine, I'm finding that he is really high keyed and that I'm not attracted to him.  Do I continue to see him and therefore create expectations on his part because he seems to be 'thinking of me a lot'.  Will I possibly develop an attraction and suddenly not care that he is high keyed?  Argghh!!

5. My over analysis:  No two ways about it, I'm driving myself over the edge again.  I suspect I may drive you over the edge also. Ha!  What did I say in some of my entries?  Take a deep breath and keep busy?  That sounds about right at the moment!

6. Ignorant people :  I don't think there is enough space on the blogger.com site for me to write how ignorance irritates me.  Especially when people are so ignorant that they don't know that they are being ignorant.  I avoid ignorant men like the plague.  'Hey baby, I just came out of the shower, want to talk'?  'I'm in the unemployment line of work right now, but you are working' (yes, I've actually had a man tell me that).  'Education is over rated, I have a job working with my hands, I'm good with my hands baby'.  I almost puked at that one. 

Believe me when I say that the first two words that my possible future partner tells me will not be 'hey baby'.  I love being called baby or honey, but it won't be the first words he says to me.....  Anyways, those are mild examples.  I can't even bring myself to write about more.  I'm sure at this point that you can imagine it though.

7. My reactions:  I try hard to ignore ignorance.   I over analyze too much (but we've discussed this), I get disappointed too easily (I'm thinking of Mr Coach as I write this), thank goodness I'm independent! Could you imagine if I wasn't? 

I am having trouble learning to let things be (check out my entry 'Unvirtuous me').   At the very least I'm aware of my impatience and I am working on it.  Right?

I'm learning to take deep breaths and to take it one day at a time in this dating world.

8. My lack of trust: This is part of the reason that I am blogging isn't it?  I've been self-sufficient for a long time and I know that in meeting a partner that I will have to adjust my independence.  I don't want to get hurt but I don't know many people who want to get hurt.

Even though it wasn't a romantic relationship, I have had a long time friend (10 years plus) disappear out of nowhere.  That is playing on my mind (and on my heart).

Still though, I'm not sure why there is such a lack of trust on my part.  I'm trying to pinpoint THE exact moment when I started NOT trusting.  It may be a combination of factors, refer to my entry 'To Pee or Not to Pee' for more information on the subject.  Heck, refer to most entries on this blog!  :)

9. My constant questioning about everything:  I've had a teacher tell me once that my questioning was a sign of high intelligence!  Need I say more?  Hahaha!

10. My patience: I purposely did not write my impatience as this title.  I've discussed the virtue of patience already and my lacking of it.  It has dawned on me though that perhaps in some aspects that I am in fact being very patient!  I could have easily settled for many of these men a long time ago and I didn't.  I am not looking for perfection but I am looking for someone perfect for me.  I know that this is cliché but it is what it is.....  I will NOT settle and I am patient enough to wait.  This is really contradictory eh?  So to recap, I'm impatient to know what happens in a relationship, but I'm patient to wait for the right one.  Does it make sense?  I think so?

I had a good email session with Mr 2G2BT.  I just informed him that he should slow it down.  I did share with him my thoughts that a sexual relationship with a partner is obviously important but that I would like to wait and see who that partner will be.  That we do not know each other enough yet to know if we will be partners.

He replied that he understands and agrees with me and we will meet again towards the end of the week for a session at the gym and then dinner.   

My E-file has just quietly announced to me (he din't like the mental kicking he just received so he is treading carefully), that Mr 2G2BT may cancel this upcoming date and that I won't hear from him again.  My E file has plenty of entries from men who have disappeared after I have asked them to back down.  However, I'm thinking that Mr 2G2BT is pretty classy, therefore, if he doesn't cancel this upcoming date, he will not ask me out again once this one is done. 

We will see what happens.... I may be completely wrong on this.... I will keep you posted.

I am feeling better after writing about my bummed out list.  I was also tired today and slept quite a bit. 

There is a lot to be said about being rested.  There is also a lot to be said about expressing these thoughts in a blog.

Thank you for reading!

Signed yours in a not so bummed out state after all,

SSW :)