The big D

At the end of October 2012, I met someone for dinner.  Frankly, I wasn't attracted to him.  He was not the type I usually go for physically. I prefer big and broad shouldered men, this man here, although tall,  was very small. No big deal, after a few hours of talking with him, I realized that I liked him and that we had a ton of things in common.

We chatted through a nice dinner, joked around about the local dancing clubs and for a kick decided to go dancing.  This guy was in good shape, was 48 years old, was educated and loved sports.  He coached a few of them also. 

Now this Mr Coach has adult children and is a grandfather.  He seemed to be well balanced (there are those words again) and he had his life together.  We had a fantastic first date and much to my pleasure he asked me to the movies for the next evening.  In the next two weeks, we went to the movies, had dinner a few times, went dancing, went walking and jogging, went bowling and sometimes we just sat and talked.

A weird thing started happening during this time.  Because I was beginning to see the real him (or the part he wanted me to see), I was starting to find him more appealing.  He wasn't all that bad looking after all.  His personality was shinning through.  This was an excellent thing I thought!

No bells were ringing, things were really good and after two weeks I started to wonder if I had not indeed found a gem in Mr Coach.

Remember at one point in one of my entries I talked about how I hated hearing the warning bells at times?  Remember that?  

Toward the end of our two weeks, we were sitting and talking and Mr Coach told me a story about how his ex wife had brought a dog home some 20 years ago when they were married.  She had brought home a dog, even though they already had one and she hadn't discussed it with him.  He wasn't happy about that.  Fair enough I say....  Lo and behold, this said dog bit one of the children.  So Mr Coach, my calm, cool and collected friend, shot the dog.  Ding dong, the bell rang.  I didn't like hearing that bell, so I reasoned it (now THAT is dangerous and boy did I file that in my E file).

Anyways, to get back to my reasoning, I quickly convinced myself that he was only protecting his children.  I asked:  'Was your daughter badly bitten by the dog, was she ok' ?   He said that she was fine........

He shared another story.  There was a party at his place.  Some people were smoking (common occurence back then).  His young child got up late at night and accidently got burnt by a cigarette.  I said 'Oh my goodness, was she ok'? 
He replied 'yes, she was fine, but I got really mad and threw everyone that was smoking out of the house.  Party was over.  I'm a laid back person but don't piss me off'. 
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong.  But then, my voice of reason again said 'he was only protecting his child'.  Hmmmmm.

Another thing we talked about at one point was that he had not spoken to his ex wife since the day that he had left her some 10 years earlier.  Not once had he uttered a word to her and they raised three kids together.  DING DONG DING DONG.  I didn't even reason this warning, I just ignored it (another add on in my E file of things NOT to do).

He then proceeded to tell me that even though he had always had a good and close relationship with his children that now that they were adults (aged from 20-26) that he did not talk to them anymore because every time he called them, they didn't have much to say to him.  At the time Mr Coach told me this, I did not think much of it.  I simply said they are young and are absorbed in their lives.  Give them time.....  He didn't say much and seemed to agree with me.

Fast forward to 3 days later.  I'm to meet Mr Coach to watch a movie with him.  He sent me a text 45 minutes before we were to meet to inform me that he had to attend to a heating problem in one of his properties and that he would contact me later that evening to catch the movie.  I said fine, no problem.  At this point a small warning tiny ding occured.  But I said, SSW, you are being paranoid, trust him, you have no reason to not believe him right now.  And so I shut my gut up and continued to read my book.

Two and a half hours later, I decided to text Mr Coach and tell him 'I will start driving toward your place, by that time, you should almost be done and we can just grab that movie before it gets too late.'  Note that I purposely texted him to tell him that I was on my way.  I did not want him to think that I was stalking him.  I texted this in all honesty.  Not only did he not text me back, but when I got to his place, he was home....

Now I was not exactly sure on what the procedure was in this case, so I re-texted him.  Note that I could have ignored the fact that he was home but I didn't.  I said you are home?  Would you rather we do this another night?  At this, my dear, calm, cool and collected Mr Coach replied: 'you are insecure'. 

Needless to say that confusion quickly set in on my part.  Of course I then stated the obvious that 'how can I be insecure if I told you I was coming and besides, you lied to me'?  Of course he replied that he hadn't lied. 

So here we have it.  Our first miscommunication.  Our first bump in the road.  So I offered to come over and talk about this.  He refused.  He stated that he was done talking, that he would not communicate and that he didn't need this. 

I asked him politely to act like an adult and to at least keep in mind the last two weeks that we had shared.  He refused again.

Now I've only known Mr Coach for two weeks.  I wasn't sure how he would have reacted so I  kept caution on my side and I did not go knocking on his door. 

Much to my dismay and confusion, I never heard from Mr Coach again.  I tried to communicate with him a few times but there was never a response on his part.

A few things occured to me.  His children are not talking to him because they have learnt from the master himself to not communicate.  They have probably decided to side with their mother at this point.  Another thing that occured to me is that if he hasn't spoken to his ex wife, the mother of his children in 10 years, there is no way that he would talk to me after 2 weeks.

I had not put two and two together when it came to his kids not calling him.  Anytime I start talking with a man, I always make a point of talking about the kids.  If the man states that he is not involved in their lives, even if they are adults, I walk away.  What didn't occur to me with Mr Coach was that his kids not calling him was his fault and not theirs....  Again, Mr Coach (the control freak Mr Coach) didn't like that the kids didn't talk when HE called, so he stopped calling them as punishment??

After letting the dust settle, I tried yet again to communicate (remember that darn phone number that I can never forget)....I still remember the number and yes he's deleted from my phone book.  Anyhow, I tried to communicate again through text but there was no response.  I wasn't really expecting one.

I know that this is a blessing in disguise.  I know it.  Mr Coach obviously has repressed anger (the dog shooting, the ending of the party because he was 'pissed' off) and he certainly also has very serious control issues.

Mr Coach has been the biggest disappointment for me so far; the big D! 

That being said though, I thank my lucky stars that I found out about the repressed anger and the control issues after two weeks and not after two months or goodness forbid after two years.

I struggle with the fact that a warning bell went off the night he had to attend the heating problem and that I ignored it.  Now if I would have ignored it and nothing would have come out of it, I would have said, 'see SSW, you are simply being untrustworthy'.  But it wasn't the case.  I knew something was up.....  and I was right....

How do I know if my gut is telling me the truth or if I'm simply being paranoid or not trusting? 

I trusted this man, ignored my warning bell and my gut and I could have gotten burnt in a much more serious way over time. 

I am still disappointed to this day, but sometimes a little voice tells me 'helloooooo get over it'.... 

I am over Mr Coach, but I've got a big D going on about the potential that was missed and tossed away because of lack of communication....

Once, in the two weeks we were dating, I asked him how come a man like him, an obvious good catch was still single?  He wasn't sure what to reply to that but he did say that he was always in a gym and that it is hard to find time for someone else.  Truth is, Mr Coach is not the only coach around.  Many married men are coaches and they have time.  Mr Coach doesn't communicate and has a few issues to work on and that is the reason why he will most probably continue to be alone.  Too bad for Mr Coach.....

Lesson learnt in many ways with my big D but I'm still struggling with the trust issues.... 

I know I have to start off a relationship by trusting and I know that sometimes my warning bells go off for nothing.  But how do I know if they are true bells or not?  Still pondering these questions....

I remain your SSW, still wondering, still learning, still questioning....

.....but still smiling :)