Pistanthrophobia

In the last few entries, I have mentionned someone to you.  Do you remember Mr Coach's colleague (Mr Coach was introduced to you in my entry 'The Bid D' )?   His colleague and I have been communicating now for quite some time over email on the dating site.  He is more of an arts kind of guy, enjoys acting and music.  We will call him Mr Artsy. 

Now Mr Artsy clearly states in his profile that not only does he want a long term relationship, but that he also wants to get married again.  I'm not quite sure about marriage (I'm still trying to get more than two weeks in with one guy),  however that is a hurdle I will cross if ever it presents itself.

So all is good, Mr Artsy and I are getting to know each other.  We seem to have quite a few things in common.  He is very involved in his children's lives and I respect that completely.  We have not been able to meet yet because of scheduling difficulties on both our parts, but it will come..... at least I thought it would.....And before you ask, I have not told him about his colleague Mr Coach.

Yesterday, while discussing the fact that we should probably meet face to face soon he dropped a bombshell on me.  Out of the blue he stated that he realized that he needs to work on being happy with himself and that getting into a relationship right now is not a good idea.  He then added 'but a friend with benefits is always welcomed even though I know that it is not what you want.  The last I thing I want to do'  he says, 'is hurt someone'. 

Smooth isn't he?

1.2 seconds after he said that, my E file yelled 'haha',  then jumped up and started searching for entries about past experiences. My T file smirked and even said 'I told you not trust anyone's words!'  Then, the M file got pensive, took off her glasses and last time I peeked, looked quite distraught over the whole scenario.

I've decided for now that it is way easier to let them figure things out in my brain for awhile.

While the files were reacting, several things occurred to me at once after that statement.

First one is that Mr Artsy has never wanted a relationship in the first place, that he pretended to want one only to reel me in.

Second thing, Mr Artsy is actually being honest.  He has realized that he needs time and that he has a few issues to work on.

The third thing is pure and simple paranoia.  He changed his mind because of me, it's my fault, there are no two ways about it....

So there you have it.  Lots of things going on up there eh? (yes there).  I didn't get one warning bell, probably because we thankfully never met.

I don't know what to think but frankly I'm proud of myself for not responding in an impulsive manner.  Such as telling him 'you're a lying jerk, that's all you ever wanted', etc...   I simply did not say anything.

I strongly believe that what he truly wants is a friend with benefits but at least I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he has realized that he needs time. I'm also starting to feel more secure that paranoia has nothing to do with this and that I didn't do anything wrong.  Even though I feel like I wasted time in a big way, perhaps it's not so bad because I'm learning to NOT jump to conclusions. 

Bottom line I will never know if the reason he gave me is in fact true.  It doesn't really matter except it did unbalance things again in terms of my new motto to trust first. 

Perhaps I should revert to my old way of thinking 'don't trust until proven otherwise....'

I'm starting to think that I'm  suffering from pistanthrophobia....the fear of trusting people.

Now speaking of trust, let's talk about tonight's outing.  I had an evening with Mr 2G2BT tonight.  We went to our local minor league hockey game an then went out for a drink.  Mr 2G2BT is smooth, have I mentionned that already?  He likes to talk (in fact, he really really likes to talk), he's intelligent an knowledgeable, I will give him that.  He tried to move a bit too fast for a third date (key word being 'tried') but he did show respect (which is obviously very important). 

Now whether Mr Artsy had something to do with it or not, something is up.  My trust instinct is all messed up and the files are still arguing.  In fact, I just saw a Do Not Disturb sign in front of my Mitigation file.  Yup, something is up.....

*sigh*.  I still maintain that Mr 2G2BT is in fact, 2G2BT.  Is it my instinct?  Is it a fake warning bell?  Is my E file out of control because my M file has put up a DND sign?  I'm not even going to talk about the T file right now...

Am I in fact suffering from Pistanthrophobia? 

Biggest question of the evening:  Am I all out of sorts because Mr 2G2BT is NOT ringing any bells and this in turn makes me hear a warning bell?  Is it that messed up in there?  (yes there). 

Hmmmm, my M file just put her Do Not Disturb sign away....  she is ready to tackle this new possibility..... 

I don't want to trust, I fear the trust, I hate that I have to force myself to trust but I don't think it's a phobia.....yet. 

There are lots and lots of different messages filing through there (yes there). I'm not sure what to think.  I will however do what I said I would do in my entry 'Unvirtuous me'.  I will take a deep breath, let it be and keep busy. 

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm still on high alert over the whole thing but I need to be patient and I need to........ hmmmm BE PATIENT!!

Unfortunately, this has thrown me into serious over analysis......Thus explaining why I'm writing this at 3:30 AM.

Give it time SSW, just give it time.....

Signed a possible pistanthrophobic SSW :)