Could he really be a possibility?

Allow me an entry on Mr Dangerous.  I first talked about him in my post 'Dangerous lascivious thoughts'.  I gave him this name because he is extremely sexy and appealing!  No, I won't start over with what happened to my heart rate when I saw him again tonight (but yes, the same thing happened...haha)!

We went to a movie this evening.  After the film, he was leaving to go out of town.  Mr Dangerous is definitely an impulsive type that decides one minute to go on a trip and he leaves.  His spontaneity is definitely not something that I'm used to.  I do find it to be intriguing though.

We sat through the movie and chuckled at a few scenes, commentating here and there.  Mr Dangerous was perfectly respectful although when we did talk, I could see the intensity in his eyes.  EEEKKKK!!! 

At first glance, although extremely appealing, I don't think that Mr Dangerous is my type.  Although, I find him to be kind, interesting, respectful and funny.  Oh and did I mention sexy?

Ok, so sexy aside, I'm struggling with this.  I really enjoyed my two outings with him.  I'm thrown by the fact that he is not my usual type - personality wise.  On the other hand, when it comes to my 'usual' type......well how the heck is that working out for me????

So I've concluded that I have to give Mr Dangerous a chance.  I will see him again...in public (haha)!  What do I have to lose?  Who knows right? 

For the record, my M file is very happy with this development.  The E file is full of experiences, some good, some bad but basically all of the same 'types' of men.  How is the T file reacting you may wonder?  Well, the eyes are open on the Trust file....peering around, waiting to see what will happen with this new 'Dangerous' experience of dating an other personality 'type' of man.

Like a gentleman, Mr Dangerous walked me to my car tonight......   :)
I'm looking forward to seeing him again..... I don't know when though....

But he really isn't my type???  Is he??

Signed yours truly in a non typical place.....

SSW :)

On the verge....

You cannot believe how close I presently am to deleting my dating profile.  I hid it a few days ago though and cannot be found in the website's search engine.

A few people, those that know me well, asked me how I was doing today.  It seems that I looked pensive.  I'm not so sure as to what they saw (they are not readers of this blog) but apparently I wasn't myself at work.   A little quieter perhaps.

When I first started this dating thing it was to meet someone, someone with whom I could perhaps maybe one day share a life.  It's turning out to be a bit more stressful than anticipated.  Sure I know the ups and downs of being in a relationship, but wow, I never thought that it would be so tiring and so demanding to simply date and meet people.

I have been thinking about Mr 2G2BT.  In my last entry 'Back to zero', I wrote to you that Mr 2G2BT told me that he did not want a relationship anymore, that he was questioning but  'that if he did, he would like it to be with me.' 

C'mon now!  I did not just fall off the turnip truck.  Obviously Mr 2G2BT is in fact living up to his name.  That was a bad line on his part.....  I'm choosing to ignore it because at the end of the day, it is not worth the stress to confront it.  Mr 2G2BT is dating others (as I am) and has stated in the past (as early as two weeks ago) that in fact he wanted a long term relationship.  Now, he doesn't?  Hmmmm.  Quite the switch eh?  Say what you want, want what you say and mean it.....2G2BT indeed!  Ding Dong....oh look, it's that darn bell..... 

Now before anyone tells me that maybe he is really having doubts as to what he wants, I want to reply that this is happening way to much on a dating site.  Men, lots of them, say they want one thing but when they start either pushing the sex envelope or when they don't get what they want quickly enough, they change their status as to not wanting a serious relationship anymore. Yes, maybe Mr 2G2BT suddenly got confused as to what he really wanted but the cynical part of me is not seeing that right now....

I will not evoke the files again tonight because I don't want to talk about experiences and the trust that I'm trying to develop.  I do want to point out though that my use of the file analogy is simply a way for me to explain to you in writing what it is I'm thinking and what it is I'm experiencing up there (yes there.....lol).

No, tonight, I'm just casually sharing with you that I'm a bit discouraged at it all and frankly at this point would prefer to be alone for the rest of my life than to do any more of this ongoing 'trying' to date thing.

Mr Friend (I talked to you about Mr Friend in my entry 'This is a TEST, this is ONLY a test'), texted me today.  He wanted to know what was happening with me and my dating life.  He specifically wanted to know about Mr 2G2BT.  I told him the latest development....  He encouraged me to continue dating and to wait until someone stands out as being a good connection.  Mr Friend also encouraged me to have fun with Mr Dangerous because life is too short.  Mr Friend had me chuckling. 

He does not show his stress and his loneliness but I know Mr Friend enough to know that he is feeling it.  He has a much more casual approach to it all than I do but still, we are both seeking the same thing.  Sometimes I wonder if in fact Mr Friend's approach is not the better one though....Perhaps a better avenue to it all would be to find the balance between his approach and mine.... 

Nevertheless, a break is still being had on my part.  That being said, I met Mr Surprise yesterday afternoon.  He's the one that I told you about in my last entry.  The man with whom I've been talking for quite some time but he did not want to meet a woman with children.  He turned out to be quite a surprise because I was not expecting him to be so interesting.  Let's see what surprises Mr Surprise has in store for me.....

Mr Dangerous is texting me daily and has called me a few times to say hi.  If I meet him, it will be in public, if I meet him it will be in public, if I meet him it will be in public.....hahaha!

I've been knitting and doing my thing.  Feels good though, feels comfortable.  I'm allowing myself to slip back into my comfort zone for now.  I haven't decided how long I will stay there.  Maybe a few days, a few weeks, maybe forever.....  we will see....

Signed semi-comfortably yours,

SSW :)

Back to Zero....

As stated in my last entry, I am now taking a break from the dating site.  I was going to spend some time with a few particular misters but those are falling through faster than a speeding bullet (lol).

Mr Italian unfortunately turned out to not be sure of what it is he wants....

Mr 2G2BT?  Well I saw him tonight after two weeks.  We had a wonderful evening, great company but at the end of the evening I told him that I needed to follow my instinct and to pursue dating others....  He agreed with me, then told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted long term with anyone anymore then did say that if he did, he would like it to be with me.  We are both dating others. We both agreed that if we 'need' a date for an event to look each other up.... He held my hand all night and kissed me at 5 or 6 different times.....  a few mixed messages there it seems.  I'm just shaking my head and I've resolved to not think about it because I will over analyze (imagine that).

The only Mr hanging around and whom I have not seen again (yet) is Mr Dangerous (see my entry 'Lascivious Thoughts').  He is turning out to be very nice but I'm not so sure that it will go anywhere....  I am enjoying the attention though :)

Since being online, I had been talking with someone..... I haven't named him yet because I haven't met him.  We've been talking on and off for a few months and he did not want to pursue anything because I had a child and he did not want to get involved again with someone with children.  I respect a man that says that to me (it's actually surprising how often it happens).  Anyways, through communicating on and off,  he has concluded that I've got my head screwed on straight.  He suggested we meet next week and I agreed to it. 

So it seems that I'm taking a real break.  No Mr 2G2BT and no Mr Italian.  I caught a sale on wool-cotton the other day and starting knitting.  My son stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me knitting on the couch.  He said, and I quote 'OH NO, you're not dating anymore, you started knitting again'.  Hahaha!!  Boy did that get me laughing.....

I have to say though that I'm not sure how the hell (forgive the language) other people do it so easily???  Many people are out of a relationship and find a new long term one within days?!!  What the hell am I doing wrong?   This cannot be explained by me being fussy can it?  I prefer to call it having standards and not settling for anything less than what I deserve.  Again, I'm not looking for perfection but if I'm not going to be happy with someone (Mr 2G2BT comes to mind) because there is an important element missing, what is the point?

I don't know what to think anymore.  Not sure if I want to pursue or not with the whole dating world.  A break is definitely needed and welcomed at this point. 

Life is still good.....life goes on......

Signed a still smiling although a little bit more sadly tonight,

SSW :}

Digging a whole new hole?

I was in the change room yesterday at the gym.  The change room is proving to be a good ressource for this blog :)

This time around, my ears got tuned into a conversation between two older ladies.  I gave them each to be about 10 years older than me in their mid fifties.  I wasn't eavesdropping but they were talking loudly so who am I not to listen?  Ha!

These seasoned ladies were talking divorce!  One of them had had it and she was 'at the end of her rope' with it.  Her soon to be ex was being a jerk (imagine that) and while she was at home struggling with the teens he was on holidays somewhere warm and comfy.  He was not paying his child support and he was bashing her to anyone that would listen.  The friend listening to her was trying to be empathetic.  She was listening to her, trying to encourage her and talking about her own divorce experience.   Her encouraging words took a funny turn though when she told her that it could take years and years to settle but that eventually the court would catch up to him and that the so-called dead beat dad would have to provide support....  The first lady blanched a little at the mention of years and years.   She then stated something that stopped me dead in my tracks:  'I'm NOT doing this ever again' she said, 'I'm through with men'!

As you can imagine, this conversation got me thinking.....  Am I so sure I want to get involved in a long term relationship and thus potentially have to deal with ups and downs and maybe break ups?  I don't want to break up a relationship before I even start one (no, I'm not quite that cynical) but the thought of seperation has crossed my mind.   Obviously, having been seperated once (and as far as seperation goes, it was a good one, my late husband was a fantastic father, considerate and even generous when it came to child support), having been seperated once, the thought has realistically crossed my mind.

Now I don't know what you think, but a seperation or a divorce is hard.  It is physically, socially, emotionally and psychologically draining.  It can create a sense of desperateness, it can create anxiety, depression and stress so high that you didn't even realize it existed at that level.  On my part, a seperation has left me vulnerable on many levels....yet also stronger on other levels.  No, it is not easy breaking up with a partner.

So this strong, vulnerable, non-cynical, cautious and worried women is thinking.  I have stated before and I state again that there is no way that I'm entering a long term, living-with-someone relationship without a prenup.  Obviously, I should probably worry about getting into this said relationship before talking living with him (haha).

Lots of people are of the opinion that if you start a relationship with a prenup well then it's because you are getting ready for it to fail.  Others think that you are nuts if you do not have a prenup! 

Romantic or not, wanting it to succeed or not, I'm not risking what I do have for Mr Right (if I ever find him).  Of that I am sure.  If Mr Right does not agree to a prenup, well then, I will be disappointed, but Mr Right will be out of my life....  I promise that.

Yes, I know I will get comments about my attitude right now.  I understand that you have to be positive and that you have to send good energy out to the universe...  I get it.  But I'm a big believer in being realistic....

I hid my whole profile on the dating site tonight. I've had it with the dating for now.  I'm confused and tired and those are not good combinations. I'm not sure who I'm dating and who I'm not dating anymore.  I think I will just let things be for a bit and go out once in awhile with the Misters I do know.

I know enough that when I start talking about breakups and prenups and divorce that I am not at a good enough place to really move forward with anyone but with myself for now.  So I will concentrate on my son, myself, my work and do my thing for a bit....

Yours, by herself......  SSW :)

Settling? Let's settle this now!

How do you know if you are on the right track?  How do you know if you are not settling?  What are the odds of both persons being on the same track when it comes to wanting to be with each other?

When we are young, of course we will usually be on the same track, we are yearning to experience the relationship, we want to live our lives with someone....  I'm not saying that you are settling when you are young, but you do not have the same amount of experience as when you are older....

Now let's fast forward to middle age.  We've usually had the experience of a relationship.....we've lived it.  Now those of us that are comfortable with ourselves and have been alone for years and years how are we approaching this?  Personally I'm approaching this finding-a-partner thing a bit blindly, a bit apprehensively and with lots and lots of caution.  Believe me when I say it's scary.  I've had more women tell me that 'if I happen to become single, I'm staying that way, I don't know how you do it'.  Funny enough, I've also have several woman say 'I want to have your life for one week'.  lol.  That one makes me chuckle...... 

Ok, so back to settling or not?  I'm careful and apprehensive but how will I know when I can stop being so?  Will it be when I stop feeling like I have to be cautious all the time?  Will it be when I don't feel like dating is work anymore?  More importantly, will it be when my E file finally quiets down and when the T file opens up completely thus making the M file obsolete? 

A side note : my file analogy represents what I feel and what I'm thinking.  The point of this blog is to express those thoughts and maybe make me realize a few things about myself.  A comment I received in my last entry had me thinking.  The anonyous commentator said she was concerned to see the files come back into my entry after I had been quiet about them for awhile.  Yes, I dare say that the files may in fact get quieter as I relax more and start having more fun.  The mention of the files are a way for me to express what I'm feeling.  Whether it be fear and anxiety over being disappointed or even over finding someone great.  Those emotions are there and I will have to deal with them.  The files for me are a fun and clear cut way to identify the emotions and to express myself...

Ok, so back to me not being cautious anymore, me having fun, me having quiet files.... I'm assuming that some of these things will happen when (if) ever I meet Mr Right?  Maybe I've already met him?  Mr 2G2BT or Mr Italian?  Maybe another Mr I haven't met yet?  I don't know but in the meantime, I continue to date and to NOT settle no matter what.  I will feel the emotions and I will express them.  I will take deep breaths and I will not make hasty decisions about anyone....

I will not settle though.  No, I'm not looking for perfection, not at all.  I am however looking for a strong connection in terms of being able to talk about anything and I'm also looking for a spark.  I've had people tell me that the spark is not important but I don't know.  I'm not convinced.  Obviously, the spark is NOT the most important thing but isn't it ok to look for a balance in both?  Getting along with someone, having a strong connection AND having a spark between us?

I'm going to see Mr 2G2BT next weekend.  I strongly suspect that it may be my last date with him.  Ok, maybe not...  I just said that I wouldn't make any hasty decisions but I don't know.... I will have to decide something at one point I suppose? 

What I do know is that by the time the next date comes along it will have been two weeks since we've last seen each other.  We've exchanged a couple of emails last week and we will see what this week brings.  Thing is, I feel like I should be missing him more than what I am....

Yes, there is something missing on my part when it comes to Mr 2G2BT and I'm pretty sure it's the spark.  Yes, I've had friends encourage me to stick it out with him to see if it would develop and I have.  I may a bit longer.... I'm not sure yet.....

The one thing I do know is that at first and second glance, Mr Italian has so far captured me on both levels.  It is obviously very early in a possible friendship and no, before any of you suggest it, I am not putting all my eggs in this basket.  I am not doubting what I do have with Mr 2G2BT because of Mr Italian.  However what this 47 year old gentleman has done is shown me a glimpse of someone having both important traits that I'm looking for in a man....an intellectual connection and a spark.  Now will it go anywhere with Mr Italian?  Will we both be on the same page?  I don't know..... time will tell.  I'm going out with him again either tomorrow or the day after.  We shall see how things go....

I still have friends telling me (and possibly some readers thinking) that I should just enter a relationship with someone.  Well I'm here to settle this right now and to say that I will not be settling!!

I will not enter into anything that I'm not comfortable with at all levels.  No way!  Again, I'm not looking for perfection but I will not settle for anything less than what I want and what I deserve.  I'm not asking for too much am I?  More importantly, at this point, what do I have to lose?

 

Independently yours,

SSW :)

Confucius says......

So now confusion is settling in.  Somehow I knew that this 'let's continue to date other people' would not make things easier.  I knew it!!!!  Arghhh!

No, I'm not talking about my hormonal attack that I had with Mr Dangerous a few nights ago (although the thought of him still gets my hormones going), no, now I'm talking about Mr Italian!  A funny, cute, smart, hard working father of one teenage son.  Dark black hair, dark eyes, dark complexion.  Not only the complete opposite of me (which is no big deal) but the complete opposite of what I usually go for.... (which technically is also no big deal I guess).

Mr Italian is charming and I enjoyed my cup of tea with him.  We sipped tea and talked and laughed.  Now of course I'm thinking.....  'What the heck do I do now'??  There is Mr 2G2BT that had piqued my interest considerably, Mr Dangerous who perked me up but let's face it, more on a carnal level and now Mr Italian who has also captured my attention to about the same level as Mr 2G2BT.

OMG!  I never, in a million-gazillion years (that's a lot of years) thought that I would ever ever be in a situation like this..... 

So if I take away the hormonal attack (haha), the true confusion lies between Mr 2G2BT and now Mr Italian.  Definite connection with this 47 year old man and wow did he get my attention.  I don't think I've ever enjoyed a cup of tea so much....

I'm going out with Mr Italian tomorrow night.  Mr 2G2BT is busy with his young adult children this weekend.

Although I'm fine with it (I think), I'm still not convinced that dating more than one person is the way to go.  I understand the necessity of going slow when wanting a relationship.  But still......  let's look at the pros and cons of dating more than one. 

Pros: 
-takes the focus off the one person thus preventing that I get attached too quickly

-will allow me to see what I really want in one partner, what traits are important to me and which ones aren't (although I should know that at my age)

-it is enjoyable, I'm having fun for the most part and I am meeting some interesting people (some more so than others).

-after being single for so long I have to admit that it is a boost to my confidence (although I wasn't really lagging)

Cons:
-dating more than one person can be perpetual?  When do you stop?  When do you know to stop? 

-there can be a serious waste of time.....or is it a waste of time?  For some yes...Mr Stinker comes to mind but for others, maybe not....

-it can get to be overwhelming (well for me anyways).  Scheduling this with two jobs, a teen, a home, the gym and life in general is no small feat.  I must be shattering some kind of world record with the amount of first dates that I've had.  (Note that at the present, nothing is suffering, especially not my son - my priority...in fact, I think he is learning a lot about self-respect through our discussions).

-if I continue to date others, statistically, won't I probably always meet someone that is better than the other one?  Do I just stop and call it settling?  (Entry to the blog on 'settling' is coming soon).

and finally

-if I wait too long to date only one, am I not risking that I lose them all?

So there it is.  A pro and con list.  There are more items in the con list than in the pro list.  However, the 'weight' of the items on the pro side is more important to me at the moment.  Especially the first one. 

-takes the focus off the one person thus preventing that I get attached too quickly

This one is important to me.  I know me.  I know the working of the files up there (yes there) and I know the dangers of getting attached too quickly.  So yes, there are definite advantages to dating more than one person..... at the moment.

Now I don't know if any of you thought of it but this can definitely be bad also.  What better way for me to avoid trusting ONE person by just NOT trusting any of them?  How easy would that be?  I'll just date a few men perpetually and not develop anything on a deeper emotional level.  The M file does not like that thought at all.  I just got THE look from her, she is shaking her head and is going back to work..... (yes, that is happening in my brain...haha).  If you are confused with this analogy, please refer to my January entry of 'The ET files'.

So there you have it.  I think I've covered the bases. Firstly, I know that dating more than one man for now might serve to confuse me because now Mr 2G2BT has competition (I will see over the next little while how serious that competition is).  But I also know that it's ok because I don't want to get attached too quickly to anyone.

Secondly, I have also realized that I have to be careful not to let this go on and on and on so that I eventually have to deal with trusting someone or not.

Have I covered everything?  Does this make sense?  I think it does?

Confucius says:  'Go to bed SSW and stop thinking'.  Smart guy that Confucius....

Yours in a tiny bit of confusion....

SSW :)

Dangerous lascivious thoughts

Oh my oh my oh my!!  Oh me oh my!  I went out with Mr Dangerous tonight!  Why is he dangerous you ask? Mr Dangerous is an exciting, sexy, tall, bald, erotic thought provoking D A N G E R.   Bad bad bad SSW!!!  Get those thoughts out of your head girl!  Oh me Oh my!!!

Ok, I got it out of my system, I feel better for confessing to you all!  Mr Dangerous is 39 years old (ahem) and very very very sexy!  I apologize but it's not all out of my system, here I go again.....  My heart rate went up, my blood pressure definitely spiked and so did all the hormones that are left in this perimenopausal woman's body!  I got a surge of hormones I haven't felt in......well, it's been awhile and I'm still fanning myself as I write to you.   I caught myself twirling my hair while talking (and trying not to stare) at him.  I tried to control my eyes that kept on scanning his body.  It was so hot in that restaurant and my glass of wine hit me like I had drank the bottle.  I drank water and more water afterwards to control myself ....lol.

Ok ok, enough, you get the point.  But man was this fun!  The good thing (or maybe the not so good thing) is that he wants to see me again.  OH OH!!! 

Ok, let's sit down, take a deep breath (funny how those deep breaths come in handy for all kinds of things) and let's use our head....unfortunately - HA.

I have already been on the phone with my BFF to try to rationalize this meeting.  The first thing she asked is 'how did you guys talk'.  I replied that if Mr 2G2BT and I talk at a comfort of 100%, Mr Dangerous and I talked at a comfort of about 80% tonight.  So BFF is trying to convince me that between an A and an A+ that there is not that much of a difference!  My God I love that BFF of mine!! 

Mr Dangerous did say a few things that sent a warning bell ringing though.  He talked of serious gambling that he used to do.  He also talked a bit about his experiences with other relationships.  I did find him to be a bit more spontaneous than what I am used to or comfortable with.  For example, last Christmas day, he felt lonely, got on the dating site and a woman from down south of here (approximately 400 km or 250 miles) contacted him and they went off for three days on a trip together!  Yikes!  I'm also saying YIKES to that woman.  She is apparently a lawyer that wanted him to move in with her (yes he is that sexy) but he declined. 

Tonight, Mr Dangerous and I were able to talk about all kinds of things and I did like that fact (beauty and brains). He takes care of his kids and he is working.  He was a complete gentleman and very respectful.  Did I mention how sexy he is? 

I'm not sure when I will meet him again or IF I will meet him again.  But IF I do, it will be in public (because I don't trust myself......haha).

I have purposely kept my E-file quiet in this entry to my blog tonight.  I'm spotting the Experience file looking at me, raised eyebrow, drumming his fingers.....  but I'm not listening, no, not tonight, maybe later, just let me have this fun for a bit!  Because no matter what, tonight was a fun outing....

In the meantime, sweet gentle Mr 2G2BT is on my mind.....

OH MY indeed.....

Dreamingly yours,

SSW :)