How do you know?

Ever stop and wonder what is just around the corner.  Metaphorically speaking of course?  I don't think that there is one group of people that is as adept as 'waiting to see what is around the corner' as online daters. 

Let's go out together.....but first, give me a bit more time online to see who else is there.  Is there anyone better?  Perhaps better suited?  Maybe more  handsome or prettier....a prince or princess waiting to meet us?

Indeed, the dating world has the potential to never end!  Could you freaken imagine?  I'd lose my mind and would definitely quit dating and do my own thing forever instead of having to put myself through perpetual dating.

That being said, how do you know when to stop?  I guess at one point you have got to put your foot down and make a decision.  It doesn't mean that you will be with that person for the rest of your life but it does mean that you will make the decision to attempt a relationship with one person.

The trick lies in both parties wanting to put their foot down together.  One may be ready to take the leap but not the other one.....

With PMrR1 and PMrR2, I learnt a big lesson.  Although they were both introduced to me more or less at the same time, I found it difficult for a short time.  Thankfully it was indeed a short time and PMrR1 did stand out pretty quickly.  Now, as much as possible, I would like to only date one person at a time and get to know him.   That being said though, I will NOT wait around if the other person does not want exclusivity. 

I don't know if PMrR1 is ready to take the leap.....  My instinct is saying he is not for the simple reason that he has not dated as much as I have.  I am willing to wait for the next couple of weeks and see what happens over our next few dates.  I'm not sure when or even if the 'exclusivity' talk will ever occur but I will give it time and be patient.

I'm not meeting new people, not dating anyone else and things are quiet on that front.  That being said, I'm super busy with work and with my son so it's all good.

It's weird, it feels like I'm waiting around for something.....    Patience is the name of the game.....  I have to find it somewhere....*sigh*.  I'll figure it out!  Right?

Signed a very patient (for now) SSW :)

PMrR1

As stated in my last two entries, I have (had) two potential misters in my life.  Both have (had) my attention!  I talked to you a bit about PMrR2 in my last entry but in this one, I want to talk to you about the other mister.  PMrR1.

PMrR1 is a reserved, quiet, cute, funny, intelligent and respectful man.  He is certainly not as exuberant as PMrR2 but that is ok also (it's really ok). We had a lovely outing last night.  Enjoyed a few drinks, a nice dinner and fantastic conversation. 

Frankly I'm a little bit in shock.  Not only do I NOT have any bells ringing, but my files are calm and quiet.  I am not questioning one thing that was said, I have no doubt that I should trust everything that he said and I'm not even doubting myself for NOT doubting this!  What in the world is going on?  Scarier yet, PMrR1 is blowing PMrR2 out of the water.....  (oh how quickly they can fall..lol).

Now you may ask me if I like PMrR1.  The answer is yes I do.  I very much like his company so it's not a question of complacency on my part.

Frankly, I'm not sure what to write at the moment apart from the fact that I'm a bit in shock over my reaction or my lack of reaction.....

Hmmmm, well, so there you have it.  My resume so far of PMrR1.  I'm looking forward to seeing him again, to see if I will feel the same way after our next outing....  I don't see why not but then again, this non-reaction is so alien to me that I can't see why I would not feel the anxiety increasing.

It sounds like I'm almost anticipating to be back on 'track' and have the files freak out on me (haha).  Obviously that is not what I want.....  but...but....but....???

The trust file is smiling a little bit.  It even winked at me!  What the heck is that all about!?  That particular file hasn't smiled or winked since I've started this crazy dating thing.  In fact, at times, I had to check for a pulse on the file to make sure it was still alive!!  YIKES!!

If the possibility of trusting one man can make the other one's light dim so much in my eyes (such as what is happening to PMrR2), well then the sky is the limit when it comes to trusting others isn't it? 

I think I'm in the process of learning a lesson.  I obviously can't tell at this early stage if PMrR1 is THE right one but .....  I'm learning something, I can feel it.  I'll let you know if this feeling continues.... or what it is I'm actually learning if I figure it out.  I have to think right now.

As you have already probably figured out, I'm usually not at a loss for words in this blog.....  but apparently I am at the moment....

Signed a relatively quiet and a totally stunned SSW.... 

:)

PMrR2

So here I am wavering between two Potential Mr Right.  Number 1 and number 2.  In my last post, I wrote a quick list to compare them both.  At that point, I wasn't even sure if I was going to hear back from PMrR1 but I did.  We will see each other over the weekend in a few days.

In the meantime, PMrR2 has been calling me every night and chatting me up.  He loves to talk!  I saw him again last night for a few hours.  He is a kind, gentle, open, respectful and handsome man.  I love his company.  He is saying the 'right' things in terms of what he wants in a relationship and what he wants in life.  He is charming but not overly so.  I can see a romantic side to him, however with him, unlike Mr2G2BT, I can see where he would be romantic for the sake of romance and not for anything else!  Yes, PMrR2 has serious potential to reel me in....hook, line and sinker!  Oh boy.....

That being said though, I can't help but wonder (you really didn't think that it was going to be that easy did you)? I can't help but wonder why he is being so open, so sensitive so...... perfect!?  Is it culturally based?  Has he had enough life experience to know exactly what it is he needs to tell a woman?  I really really like what he is saying.  I like that he wants a long term relationship.  I like that he says that he wants and needs faithfulness and loyalty.  I like that his goal is to be 'happy' for the rest of his life because he hasn't been happy in his other relationships.  He seems honest when he holds my hand and tells me these things. 

So what the hell is wrong with me?

Ok, so I'm not 16 anymore and I won't necessarily fall for those lines quickly.  But are they lines?  How do I know if they are lines?  I've already determined that whatever bells I'm hearing are fake so I can't rely on those.  Plus, I'm not really hearing bells anyways.  I know that the problem is in my perception of things.

I will evoke the files here.  The files are a way for me to express what is happening in my mind.  It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm feeling 'worst', it is just a simpler way for me to express what it is I'm feeling and thinking.

To reiterate....the E-file is my experience file   The file in which I have stored all of my life experiences...the good and the bad.  The T-file is my trust file.  That is a messed up file because I never ever know what or whom I should trust.  I don't know why this is a messed up file.  I have not had extremely horrific experiences that have led me to NOT trust easily.  I'm still in the process of figuring this out.  When I first introduced the files in my entry 'The ET files' I decided to introduce another one called the M-file or the mitigation file, the file that will eliminate or reduce the impact of the two other files on each other.  The one that will try to balance out, to be the referee if you wish between my two other files.  So far so good and I've been sorting things out in my mind (up there).  With the help of this blog, with the help of some comments from you the readers and with processing things in my mind, I have figured out with the M file that my warning bells are sometimes fake.  I'm now aware of that and need to sometimes ignore them.

So this being said, in order for me to explain to you in writing what it is I'm thinking or feeling, I talk about the files.  It's an easy way to visualize things.

In terms of PMrR2, my E file feels nervous.  I can actually imagine the file pacing back and forth.  The problem is I DON'T know why it is nervous.  What is causing this anxiety?  The Trust file is literally shaking.  It wants to trust PMrR2, it wants to believe him but it is struggling very much right now.  Past experiences have shown me that SOME men are full of lines (amongst other things....HA!).  They will say the 'right' things when trying to hook in a woman.  However, past experiences have also shown me that SOME men actually mean it when they say the 'right' things.  They do not have any hidden agendas and they actually mean what they say.  So why am I always assuming the worst?  The M file is confused right now.  It doesn't know what to mitigate.  The experience file is anxious, the trust file is shaking from nervousness and the M file isn't sure how or what to referee. 

The one logical thing that is happening up there (in my head) is that I keep coming to the same resolve.  The resolve that I need to spend more time with PMrR2 and see what happens.  Will I feel better?  Will I feel worst?  Will he convince me?  Is it a question of him convincing me or is it a question of me TRUSTING?  I don't know......  Will time tell?  In my mind, the M file is happy to wait right now.  To wait and to see what  happens.

I know that some of you are reading this right now and are saying SSW, you analyze wayyyy too much!  I know I do.  I truly do!  When I tell myself to stop analyzing so much, it's fine for a while but the UNDER analysis does not take care of the questions I have in terms of trusting.

So again, I come to the same conclusion; that I will begin by trusting myself.  I will trust ME, the most important person in MY life.  I will trust that I will know when to start trusting others.  I will trust that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel with this trusting others thing and I will trust myself that I will not mess up over and over again when it comes to figuring out men.

I especially hope (there's that HOPE word) that I can finally trust one of the misters.  Whether it be one of those two potential misters or another one.  I know that at one point I will need to take a chance and to say 'ok, I believe him, I trust him and I know that what he is saying is true'.  Not only take the chance to believe him but to deep down in my heart and in my soul believe him.....  Wow that is scary!!  Can I actually attain that?  I want to attain that level of trust.  But can I?

Signed a pensive SSW :)

PMrR1 and PMrR2

Apparently, when it rains, it pours.  In my last entry to you 'Hope, luck and trust' I talked about a Mr.  I did not name that Mr because I thought he may actually be a potential Mr Right but I do not trust this.  Well lo and behold, I've met another Mr and he has a ton of potential for being Mr Right also!  Mr 2 and I had been talking for awhile online.  He changed his profile and I told him I liked it.  We then started talking about how come we had never met.  We didn't have an answer for that so we did meet. It was a great first meeting!  I will see Mr 2 again soon.

So there we have it.  Potential Mr Right 1 and Potential Mr Right 2.  Ladies and gentlemen, behind door number 1 we have possible Mr Right!  AND behind door number 2, we also have possible Mr Right!  Now what?  Leave it up to me to get myself in this situation!!  Some women meet a man (not a ton of them like me, no, just one) and BAM they are in a relationship.  No, not this SSW!  Let's make this a bit more complicated shall we!  Let's introduce two good possibilities for Mr Right at once!!  Well fine then, BRING IT ON!  haha!

I almost wrote, 'bring it on, because I don't trust that it will happen with neither of them....' (but I'm not that cynical so I didn't write it).  Please don't scold me...  *sigh*.

Sooooo.  Why do I think that each have the traits of Mr Right.  The attributes for each are as follows:

PMrR1                                                                      PMrR2

intelligent                                                             intelligent
well-employed                                                     well-employed
respectful                                                             respectful
cute                                                                      handsome
kind                                                                      kind and considerate
funny                                                                    makes me laugh
independent                                                         independent
fit                                                                          fit
well-rounded                                                        well-rounded
calm                                                                      high-strung

Obviously I am just starting to know these two men.  So far I've had two outing with PMrR1 and one outing with PMrR2.  I have spent less time with PMrR2 and am feeling more of a pull towards him.  I'm not sure why.

I just had a thought that it looks like I'm comparing merchandise to be bought.  Believe me it's not the case and I don't want to make it sound like that.  I'm taking this quest of mine for finding a life long partner very seriously. 

It's the first time that I 'date' two men that do not have anything that 'bugs' me about them.  No bells are ringing, no bad gut feeling, the files are quiet up there (yes there) and all seems calm.....for now....

Frankly I'm not even sure if I'll see PMrR1 again.  I haven't heard from him even though he made sure to let me know that he was interested.  Something I've learnt though with a dating site.....  It's easy to get caught up in the 'what's around the corner syndrome'.  Another entry will follow on this at a later date.  In the mean time, we both told each other that we were interested.  I made the first move for our second outing that we've already had so the ball is in his court for this one.  I strongly believe that it is important for both parties to make the effort to ask the other one out.

PMrR2 called me tonight and we talked (well he did a lot of the talking - lol) for about 30-45 minutes.  He is high strung as mentioned above but I think this may be linked to his culture.  He is very very expressive and that is also culturally related although it may just be a personality trait.  He seems to be open and honest and I find him to be very refreshing.  We made plans to meet later this week. 

So there you have it.  My dating profile is still hidden and I think I will leave it be until I can figure out what is happening with these two Misters. 

Mr Dangerous just texted me goodnight along with a xoxoxo.  Oh my!!!  No, I have not seen him nor do I intend to.  Life is complicated enough at the moment....  ;)

The next few weeks are shaping up to be promising.....

Yours in a quandary,

SSW :)

Hope, luck and trust!

My out of province niece and I were texting awhile back.  She was asking me how I was doing with this dating thing I'm doing.  I told her it was always an interesting adventure, that generally speaking I was doing ok but that sometimes, I get discouraged and want to quit it all.

She replied the old adage that 'sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs'.  To which I gagged and said thank goodness I don't kiss them all! (lol).

After chuckling a bit, my dear niece said 'oh well, you just do what you can and hope for the best'.  I found that interesting and I replied to her 'is there really an element of hope or do you just have to trust'?  My wise niece then replied 'I think we're all trying to learn that lesson.  Trust is the hard part....but sometimes you have to or you become bitter'.   To which I stated 'Or you just stay alone'.

A conversation between an aunt and a niece.  I love my nieces (and my nephews).....  This particular one and I only have a couple of years difference.  She has had her share of experiences, as we all have at our age.  She made an interesting comment and I've been thinking about it on and off in the last few months.

Is meeting Mr Right based on hope, on luck or on trust? 

I find hope to be misleading and sometimes false.  How many times have I hoped that this Mr or that Mr was the right one?  I don't want to become bitter or cynical and I'm always watching for those signs.  For example, last night I went out to dinner with a new Mr.  Yes, my dating profile is hidden but I can still look at the other people's profile and communicate with them if I want to. This was my second outing with this Mr.  When I came back from dinner, my good friend wanted to know how it had gone.  She asked me if it was one of my better dates.  I told her it was but that it didn't mean anything.  She didn't understand that.  How could a date be one of my better ones but not mean anything?  I had to explain to her that I've had several fantastic dates but that sometimes it just doesn't work out for a variety of reasons.  I think this is where the hope comes in.....  and the luck?

Luck, let's talk about that.  I'm lucky and blessed to have a good life.  I'm happy, healthy, well employed.....  But is that luck?  Is that luck or am I making sure that I have those things?  Yes I'm healthy but have you seen my work out schedule and my eating habits?  Yes, I'm well employed but I do have a good education under my belt.  I'm happy, but many many times, happiness is what you make, it is your decision to not base your happiness on anyone else but yourself (I've talked about this already).  So am I lucky or am I just making things happen for myself?  By this reasoning then, meeting Mr Right is not luck, it is something that I have to achieve for myself.  I have conquered my share of ups and downs, have prevailed over my weight problems, have reached quite a few goals by sheer determination.  That being said, what the heck am I NOT doing right in order to find Mr Right?  Or is this where trust comes in?

Oh oh.  I have to talk about it.  Not only do I have to talk about it, I also have to face THE trust....  I will loop this back to my niece's comments 'trust is the hard part but sometimes you have to or you become bitter'.  Sigh!!!

I still say I'm not bitter.  I'm not bitter towards men, but I will start being bitter or disappointed with myself if I don't shake my head on this and wake up soon.

Trust.  Fully, completely trusting someone of the other gender.  It scares the hell out of me.  There, I said it again.  I don't know why!  I don't want to get hurt (not many people do).  I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  Logically, I will have to incorporate the trust into my life or I will be alone.

Mr Dangerous is trying his best to get me to reconsider.  In my last entry 'Games people play' I mentionned to you that I thought he might have another life in another town.  He doesn't admit to that, he tells me he is a free spirit and that he just likes adventures.  In his next sentence he then tells me that he is leaving again this weekend. 

Mr Dangerous is telling me more and more clearly that he wants a sexual relationship with me. Do any of you have any idea how tempting that is? (lol).   I'm not being asked to trust him.  I'm basically being given the chance to have a sexually safe and amazing time with an extremely sexy man.  Now many of you would say 'Damn that is LUCK'!  HAHA!! 

The scary thing is that deep down, I would feel more comfortable with Mr Dangerous right now BECAUSE I'm not being asked to trust him.  I'm being asked to keep it at a simpler level and this for me is not only more tempting but less 'dangerous'.  That being said, I do have enough life experience to know that this would not end well for me.  Psychologically and emotionally, MOST women do not see sex as being only sex.  In the long run we do get attached whether we want to or not.....but not necessarily for the right reasons.

Before this turns into a Shades of Grey episode (wink), I will tell you that I will resist Mr Dangerous (by simply not seeing him).  Yes he is very tempting but my goal is to find a life partner.  Mr Dangerous does not have the makings of a life partner for me because I already don't trust him.  I have to follow my gut instinct on this.

So back to trusting.  I'm concluding that I will have to build up to trusting someone.  I've said in the past that I will trust first and then see what happens but that is not working out it seems.  Therefore I will now try the opposite.  I will not trust at first and will see if the trust can be earned.  So going back to my good friend's question last night on whether this date with Mr was one of my best.  The answer is still yes but I don't trust that it will go anywhere.  Oh I will HOPE and I will try to invoke LUCK but right now, the trust is low on all aspects. 

How much hope do I have for this Mr?  Well if you've noticed, I have not named him.  Why?  Because I'm HOPING that I will be LUCKY because he has a lot of Mr Right potential.  But I won't give him that name because I don't trust it yet.....

I'm thinking this reasoning may be a bit messed up.  I don't know, I will have to think about it. 

On the other hand, I have a lot of experience with my messed up thought process (haha).  I trust myself that I will figure this out, that I will see a light at the end of this tunnel..... I don't hope it, I'm not relying on luck, I just trust myself.....  I will get there....  This is now a challenge and I will figure it out!  Trust me on that!

Signed with confidence in the trust that I have in myself.....

SSW :)

Games people play

'Games people play, You take it or you leave it
Things that they say, Just don't make it right
If I'm telling you the truth right now, Do you believe it
Games people play in the middle of the night.'  Alan Parsons project

As the verse above from the song 'Games People Play' indicates, I'm about to talk to you about games..... 

Is it in our nature to lie?  Why would you lie to make yourself seem like a different person if you're about to meet that person to whom you are lying?  Why would you not show yourself as you really are?  Obviously there are many factors in play and lots of them have to do with insecurities....or players..... 

A combination of an insecure person who is also a player....well that is not pretty!  Yes, I'm talking about some men (note I did not write ALL men).

Unfortunately, Mr Dangerous falls into the player category.  I'm not completely surprised by it all but it is very disappointing especially after seeing a glimpse of a possibility with him.  Long story short, Mr Dangerous is in fact playing a dangerous game and has a few secrets.  You can all very well imagine that not only will I never trust anyone with serious secrets but I won't even bother finding out what they are.  I have my suspicions of another life in another city though and that is enough for me.  The last thing I told Mr Dangerous is that I'm way to old to play games and that life is way to short to play them.  I then wished him luck.  No wasting of time is necessary because in fact, life is way too short.....

People play games though.  Even Mr 2G2BT played them in my perception.  I still shake my head at his sudden decision NOT to want a long term relationship with anyone because he doesn't know what he wants.  At the age of 53, I hope he figures it out.  There are crazy games being played with online dating and I try to ignore all of them but once in awhile, I miss the signs such as with Mr Dangerous.  Thankfully, I caught on quickly enough though.....

Another one that I missed was last summer.  In fact, he was my first contact from a dating site.  Mr Baldy.  My first clue with Mr Baldy was when he lied to me twice about his age.  I should have ran the other way right then and there.  His flagrant insecurity about being 48 then 50 and then 'no really I'm 52' was more than enough, but no, like a sucker, I decided to ignore and go on...  Mr Baldy and I spent about 2 months dating.  He was seriously unstable and considering my professional background, I was surprised that I only picked up on it right before I told him to never contact me again.

Mr Baldy and I did have some good times.  They were all non sexual even if I did spend a lot of time with him.  This was a big clue that I also missed.  Naturally, most men and women will try some sort of sexual expression after awhile.  But not with him. 

After a few months with him though, I started really opening my eyes and seeing a few things.  For example, Mr Baldy would go to the washroom and have a shower afterwards.   Every time he went to the washroom, he had a shower.  He would shower 8-10 times per day.  In the middle of a conversation, Mr Baldy would get up and suddenly start cleaning his kitchen sink, the stove etc....with javex.  Mr Baldy would obsess about a variety of things and would not drop the subject.  Yes, it took me a while but it suddenly dawned on me that Mr Baldy had in fact OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).  He was also bipolar (manic depressive). 

After a few months, there was one incident of verbal abuse toward me.  Let me tell you that Mr Baldy got the boot pretty damn quickly after that.  As you can probably figure out, that was not a good move on his part to attempt that with me. 

Before I gave him the boot though, wanting to be a friend to him and wanting to help, I confronted him on his apparent OCD and his manic-depresssive tendencies.  He casually admitted to them.  I informed him that those were treatable.  To my surprise, he told me that he was seeing a psychiatrist but that he had never taken the medication that was prescribed to him.  The day after that was the verbal abuse incident.  In no uncertain terms did I inform Mr Baldy that he was never to contact me again.  He never did.

Games people play are interesting.  Mr Dangerous has his secrets, Mr Baldy is a sick man but he plays the game of trying to hide it and it eventually becomes obvious.  If you've read my other entries, you can recall for yourself the different types of games that are being played out there.  All in the name of being insecure, of being a player or of just trying to take advantage of people.

It is to the point where it has me wondering if I'm playing a game?  I swear, I had to sit myself down and think.  Am I playing a game and that is why I am spinning with this dating thing?  I questioned it, I analyzed it.  I reviewed all of my files but  I can't pinpoint anything that I'm doing that would be classified as playing a game.  I try to be honest in what I want, I'm not too aggressive yet am not a wimp either.  It has left me shaking my head and wondering.....

'Games people play you take it or you leave it....'  Well I leave it.  I will not play games and I do my best not to fall for them.  Unfortunately, they are not always obvious and it is a chance that you have to take.

My profile on the dating site is still hidden...it will remain so for awhile still until I decide what to do. 

I can't help but think of the insecure women that are falling prey to some of these men.  If you do not have a strong character, you run the chance of getting eaten alive and that is the saddest thing of all.

I feel like quitting it all, but there is a stronger pull towards not doing so for now.  So I will remain patient and I will keep on smiling.

SSW :)

Could he really be a possibility?

Allow me an entry on Mr Dangerous.  I first talked about him in my post 'Dangerous lascivious thoughts'.  I gave him this name because he is extremely sexy and appealing!  No, I won't start over with what happened to my heart rate when I saw him again tonight (but yes, the same thing happened...haha)!

We went to a movie this evening.  After the film, he was leaving to go out of town.  Mr Dangerous is definitely an impulsive type that decides one minute to go on a trip and he leaves.  His spontaneity is definitely not something that I'm used to.  I do find it to be intriguing though.

We sat through the movie and chuckled at a few scenes, commentating here and there.  Mr Dangerous was perfectly respectful although when we did talk, I could see the intensity in his eyes.  EEEKKKK!!! 

At first glance, although extremely appealing, I don't think that Mr Dangerous is my type.  Although, I find him to be kind, interesting, respectful and funny.  Oh and did I mention sexy?

Ok, so sexy aside, I'm struggling with this.  I really enjoyed my two outings with him.  I'm thrown by the fact that he is not my usual type - personality wise.  On the other hand, when it comes to my 'usual' type......well how the heck is that working out for me????

So I've concluded that I have to give Mr Dangerous a chance.  I will see him again...in public (haha)!  What do I have to lose?  Who knows right? 

For the record, my M file is very happy with this development.  The E file is full of experiences, some good, some bad but basically all of the same 'types' of men.  How is the T file reacting you may wonder?  Well, the eyes are open on the Trust file....peering around, waiting to see what will happen with this new 'Dangerous' experience of dating an other personality 'type' of man.

Like a gentleman, Mr Dangerous walked me to my car tonight......   :)
I'm looking forward to seeing him again..... I don't know when though....

But he really isn't my type???  Is he??

Signed yours truly in a non typical place.....

SSW :)

On the verge....

You cannot believe how close I presently am to deleting my dating profile.  I hid it a few days ago though and cannot be found in the website's search engine.

A few people, those that know me well, asked me how I was doing today.  It seems that I looked pensive.  I'm not so sure as to what they saw (they are not readers of this blog) but apparently I wasn't myself at work.   A little quieter perhaps.

When I first started this dating thing it was to meet someone, someone with whom I could perhaps maybe one day share a life.  It's turning out to be a bit more stressful than anticipated.  Sure I know the ups and downs of being in a relationship, but wow, I never thought that it would be so tiring and so demanding to simply date and meet people.

I have been thinking about Mr 2G2BT.  In my last entry 'Back to zero', I wrote to you that Mr 2G2BT told me that he did not want a relationship anymore, that he was questioning but  'that if he did, he would like it to be with me.' 

C'mon now!  I did not just fall off the turnip truck.  Obviously Mr 2G2BT is in fact living up to his name.  That was a bad line on his part.....  I'm choosing to ignore it because at the end of the day, it is not worth the stress to confront it.  Mr 2G2BT is dating others (as I am) and has stated in the past (as early as two weeks ago) that in fact he wanted a long term relationship.  Now, he doesn't?  Hmmmm.  Quite the switch eh?  Say what you want, want what you say and mean it.....2G2BT indeed!  Ding Dong....oh look, it's that darn bell..... 

Now before anyone tells me that maybe he is really having doubts as to what he wants, I want to reply that this is happening way to much on a dating site.  Men, lots of them, say they want one thing but when they start either pushing the sex envelope or when they don't get what they want quickly enough, they change their status as to not wanting a serious relationship anymore. Yes, maybe Mr 2G2BT suddenly got confused as to what he really wanted but the cynical part of me is not seeing that right now....

I will not evoke the files again tonight because I don't want to talk about experiences and the trust that I'm trying to develop.  I do want to point out though that my use of the file analogy is simply a way for me to explain to you in writing what it is I'm thinking and what it is I'm experiencing up there (yes there.....lol).

No, tonight, I'm just casually sharing with you that I'm a bit discouraged at it all and frankly at this point would prefer to be alone for the rest of my life than to do any more of this ongoing 'trying' to date thing.

Mr Friend (I talked to you about Mr Friend in my entry 'This is a TEST, this is ONLY a test'), texted me today.  He wanted to know what was happening with me and my dating life.  He specifically wanted to know about Mr 2G2BT.  I told him the latest development....  He encouraged me to continue dating and to wait until someone stands out as being a good connection.  Mr Friend also encouraged me to have fun with Mr Dangerous because life is too short.  Mr Friend had me chuckling. 

He does not show his stress and his loneliness but I know Mr Friend enough to know that he is feeling it.  He has a much more casual approach to it all than I do but still, we are both seeking the same thing.  Sometimes I wonder if in fact Mr Friend's approach is not the better one though....Perhaps a better avenue to it all would be to find the balance between his approach and mine.... 

Nevertheless, a break is still being had on my part.  That being said, I met Mr Surprise yesterday afternoon.  He's the one that I told you about in my last entry.  The man with whom I've been talking for quite some time but he did not want to meet a woman with children.  He turned out to be quite a surprise because I was not expecting him to be so interesting.  Let's see what surprises Mr Surprise has in store for me.....

Mr Dangerous is texting me daily and has called me a few times to say hi.  If I meet him, it will be in public, if I meet him it will be in public, if I meet him it will be in public.....hahaha!

I've been knitting and doing my thing.  Feels good though, feels comfortable.  I'm allowing myself to slip back into my comfort zone for now.  I haven't decided how long I will stay there.  Maybe a few days, a few weeks, maybe forever.....  we will see....

Signed semi-comfortably yours,

SSW :)

Back to Zero....

As stated in my last entry, I am now taking a break from the dating site.  I was going to spend some time with a few particular misters but those are falling through faster than a speeding bullet (lol).

Mr Italian unfortunately turned out to not be sure of what it is he wants....

Mr 2G2BT?  Well I saw him tonight after two weeks.  We had a wonderful evening, great company but at the end of the evening I told him that I needed to follow my instinct and to pursue dating others....  He agreed with me, then told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted long term with anyone anymore then did say that if he did, he would like it to be with me.  We are both dating others. We both agreed that if we 'need' a date for an event to look each other up.... He held my hand all night and kissed me at 5 or 6 different times.....  a few mixed messages there it seems.  I'm just shaking my head and I've resolved to not think about it because I will over analyze (imagine that).

The only Mr hanging around and whom I have not seen again (yet) is Mr Dangerous (see my entry 'Lascivious Thoughts').  He is turning out to be very nice but I'm not so sure that it will go anywhere....  I am enjoying the attention though :)

Since being online, I had been talking with someone..... I haven't named him yet because I haven't met him.  We've been talking on and off for a few months and he did not want to pursue anything because I had a child and he did not want to get involved again with someone with children.  I respect a man that says that to me (it's actually surprising how often it happens).  Anyways, through communicating on and off,  he has concluded that I've got my head screwed on straight.  He suggested we meet next week and I agreed to it. 

So it seems that I'm taking a real break.  No Mr 2G2BT and no Mr Italian.  I caught a sale on wool-cotton the other day and starting knitting.  My son stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me knitting on the couch.  He said, and I quote 'OH NO, you're not dating anymore, you started knitting again'.  Hahaha!!  Boy did that get me laughing.....

I have to say though that I'm not sure how the hell (forgive the language) other people do it so easily???  Many people are out of a relationship and find a new long term one within days?!!  What the hell am I doing wrong?   This cannot be explained by me being fussy can it?  I prefer to call it having standards and not settling for anything less than what I deserve.  Again, I'm not looking for perfection but if I'm not going to be happy with someone (Mr 2G2BT comes to mind) because there is an important element missing, what is the point?

I don't know what to think anymore.  Not sure if I want to pursue or not with the whole dating world.  A break is definitely needed and welcomed at this point. 

Life is still good.....life goes on......

Signed a still smiling although a little bit more sadly tonight,

SSW :}