Plan B

I've had several comments in the past little while about re-thinking my decision to try and find someone on a dating site.  It was suggested to me by some readers and by some friends that perhaps I should expand my search to some interest groups or other activities.

Well, I'm here to discuss these options with you.  Coincidentally this week, a friend asked me through social media if I was willing to meet someone she knew that worked with her husband.  Sure I said, why not?  So, through her, I met this man.  To make a long story very short, it didn't work out.  I did not feel comfortable adding him as a friend to this social media and thus giving him access to my personal info including all of my pictures.  He didn't agree and proceeded to call me childish.  So I pouted, stomped my feet and blocked him! Haha! 

Seriously though, I offered him the opportunity to communicate through email only until we got to know a bit about each other.  I also shared with him my thoughts on safety issues for a single woman.  This is his loss and it's no big deal.  The referring friend was mortified by his behavior.  As it turns out, I just noticed now, that in the space of about 30 minutes of exchanging emails with him a few days ago, that he had lied to me.  He told me that he was not on a dating site but lo and behold, I found him.  He has been on the site for quite some time.... My community is really small......

Next.... 

As you all know, I've been going to the gym on a regular basis.  When you go to a same place regularly at around the same time every day, you meet up with the same people.  I've discovered that this could be an interesting place to meet someone.  Funny enough, I spotted Mr Exercise again today.  Now everytime I'm the first on the exercise machines, Mr Exercise will come and choose the machine next to me.   Today, he was the first on the machines so yes, you guessed it, I picked the one next to him.  We exchanged a smile and then basically ignored each other (lol).  I have no idea if Mr Exercise is married or heterosexual or if he is interested at all, but it does pass the time on the exercise machine now doesn't it?  Bottom line, it's an opportunity and perhaps a possibility?

There are several other opportunities at that place.  Mr Iron, Mr Body Builder, Mr Trying-to-be-a-body-builder, Mr Runner, Mr Trying-to-get-in-shape, Mr Puffed-out-chest etc.....  All of them are real and are more or less always at the gym at the same time as me.  So yes, the gym is a good place for meeting new people. 

There is also the library.  Now my time is limited for the library but it is a point of interest for me.  I have thought of joining a book club but the book clubs that I know of are all work related.  I need to find a new one.  Mental note to find one soon.

Another avenue are my friends.  Most of them are keeping an eye out for me, waiting to find a single man and to pounce on the poor guy! ;)

There are bars and such but those are not really my scene.  I would like to take dance lessons but for that, you need a regular dance partner (I was told it is better to have someone with you to take the course).

We have the Running Room (a sports store) that also has regular outside running sessions with a variety of people during the week.  This is something that I may look into in the spring.  It was also suggested to me that I should start hanging around arenas.  I had an image of me sitting on a cold bench, alone in an arena trying to pick up single hockey dads.....haha!  Not a pretty image and if it's my last resort, well then I shall remain single :)

An option that I've been toying with is taking a course....  Perhaps that would be a good avenue for me.  I just need to not only figure out the course (which could be easy enough to do) but to especially find the time for this said course.

I have my date with Mr 2G2BT lined up for tomorrow and as of yet, he has not cancelled.  I'm a bit surprised at that actually....

I also have several other dates lined up for the weekend and for next week.  Remember my decision to date more than one at the same time?  Well it's about to happen....  We shall see how that goes....

I have had one outing cancelled due to weather issues this week.  We've had some wild winter weather in my area and cancellations of many activities and some dates are bound to happen.

So there you have it.  My Plan B in action if my Plan A (the dating site) doesn't work.  Actually, it's more of a Plan B that is working along with Plan A.  Who knows what will happen with both Plans in the works!

To clarify, I am not always thinking of meeting someone.  In fact, on most days, I don't even think of my 'singlehood'.  Perhaps that is the problem.  I need to pay more attention to what, or rather, to whom is out there!!

Oh yes, I get frustrated and bummed out and disappointed and such but please be reassured that I don't dwell on it (I just blog about it - HA!).  The way I look at it, I may as well put myself out there and really give it a try at all levels.  No regrets, no holding back, just honestly trying....

If you, my dear readers, can think of another place where I can meet someone, please feel free!  An add on to my Plan B perhaps?  Or maybe something completely different?  After all, after A and B, there are 24 other letters in the alphabet.....

Yours in high hopes that I don't get to Plan Z

SSW :)

The Bummed Out List!

I've been kicking myself mentally all day!  It's not easy to kick yourself mentally, it doesn't take lots of physical energy but the mental energy....oh my!  If I could transfer that mental energy into calories burnt, I would never have to go to the gym again! 

Thankfully though, the gym does take care of settling my mental exhaustion from kicking myself too much up there (yes there).  My files are getting pushed around by me today.  I'm tired of them, I'm tired of hearing them battle and I don't want to hear them anymore.  The E file said this and the T file said that and the M file is confused and AHHHHHHH!!!!!    Shut up all of you already!  SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  The owner of the files is tired and is presently BUMMED OUT!| 

Yes, a big attack of being in the dumps is settling in.  *sigh*.

What am I gloomy about?  What is causing this disapointment? Well how much time do you have? 

1. Men
2. Me
3. Men
4. My expectations
5. My over analysis
6. Ignorant people
7. My reactions
8. My lack of trust
9. My constant questioning about everything
10. My patience

Once again.... *SIGH*....

Mr 2G2BT wrote to me this morning.  He enjoyed himself 'so much' on our outing on Friday.  He also says that he is thinking about me a lot..... Oh Oh!  I'm NOT thinking about him a lot.  I really hate that.  Will I ever be on the same page as another man?

More importantly, when I do meet someone and when it seems we are on the same page, how will I know if he's not a control freak with anger issues getting ready to strike?  How will I know if it's not someone that is 'faking' being on the same page just to get what he wants, just to reel me in?

I just heard you....You just yelled 'BE PATIENT'.  Yeah yeah yeah, stop the yelling, I know!  :)

Let's go through my bummed out list:

1. Men:  Not all of them are bad, most are good, I just need to meet the right one!  Of course, if so many of them would just be honest.....  but then again, when they are honest, I still don't want what they are being honest about (walk on me, have small feet, pee on me, smoke weed with me, be my friend with benefits, don't ask questions, be skinny, like my motor bike cause it is my priority, I want a woman who owns a house, I live with my parents, I don't talk to my kids, I'm a dead beat dad...etc...).  The list is wayyyy too long.

2.  Me:  Hmmm, why did I put ME on the list?  You are starting to know that ME person. Me told me that she is not disappointed with her core values, with whom she is and with her independence.  ME is just struggling with her vision and her attitude with the numbers 1 and 3 on her list.  ME is still very happy to be a SSW that can dump it all at any time (and let me tell you that it is super tempting right now).

3.  Men: Please refer to number 1.

4.  My expectations:  What am I?  Nuts?  Will I ever meet this man that I'm expecting to find?  Look at Mr 2G2BT.  What is wrong with him?  Ok, fine, I'm finding that he is really high keyed and that I'm not attracted to him.  Do I continue to see him and therefore create expectations on his part because he seems to be 'thinking of me a lot'.  Will I possibly develop an attraction and suddenly not care that he is high keyed?  Argghh!!

5. My over analysis:  No two ways about it, I'm driving myself over the edge again.  I suspect I may drive you over the edge also. Ha!  What did I say in some of my entries?  Take a deep breath and keep busy?  That sounds about right at the moment!

6. Ignorant people :  I don't think there is enough space on the blogger.com site for me to write how ignorance irritates me.  Especially when people are so ignorant that they don't know that they are being ignorant.  I avoid ignorant men like the plague.  'Hey baby, I just came out of the shower, want to talk'?  'I'm in the unemployment line of work right now, but you are working' (yes, I've actually had a man tell me that).  'Education is over rated, I have a job working with my hands, I'm good with my hands baby'.  I almost puked at that one. 

Believe me when I say that the first two words that my possible future partner tells me will not be 'hey baby'.  I love being called baby or honey, but it won't be the first words he says to me.....  Anyways, those are mild examples.  I can't even bring myself to write about more.  I'm sure at this point that you can imagine it though.

7. My reactions:  I try hard to ignore ignorance.   I over analyze too much (but we've discussed this), I get disappointed too easily (I'm thinking of Mr Coach as I write this), thank goodness I'm independent! Could you imagine if I wasn't? 

I am having trouble learning to let things be (check out my entry 'Unvirtuous me').   At the very least I'm aware of my impatience and I am working on it.  Right?

I'm learning to take deep breaths and to take it one day at a time in this dating world.

8. My lack of trust: This is part of the reason that I am blogging isn't it?  I've been self-sufficient for a long time and I know that in meeting a partner that I will have to adjust my independence.  I don't want to get hurt but I don't know many people who want to get hurt.

Even though it wasn't a romantic relationship, I have had a long time friend (10 years plus) disappear out of nowhere.  That is playing on my mind (and on my heart).

Still though, I'm not sure why there is such a lack of trust on my part.  I'm trying to pinpoint THE exact moment when I started NOT trusting.  It may be a combination of factors, refer to my entry 'To Pee or Not to Pee' for more information on the subject.  Heck, refer to most entries on this blog!  :)

9. My constant questioning about everything:  I've had a teacher tell me once that my questioning was a sign of high intelligence!  Need I say more?  Hahaha!

10. My patience: I purposely did not write my impatience as this title.  I've discussed the virtue of patience already and my lacking of it.  It has dawned on me though that perhaps in some aspects that I am in fact being very patient!  I could have easily settled for many of these men a long time ago and I didn't.  I am not looking for perfection but I am looking for someone perfect for me.  I know that this is cliché but it is what it is.....  I will NOT settle and I am patient enough to wait.  This is really contradictory eh?  So to recap, I'm impatient to know what happens in a relationship, but I'm patient to wait for the right one.  Does it make sense?  I think so?

I had a good email session with Mr 2G2BT.  I just informed him that he should slow it down.  I did share with him my thoughts that a sexual relationship with a partner is obviously important but that I would like to wait and see who that partner will be.  That we do not know each other enough yet to know if we will be partners.

He replied that he understands and agrees with me and we will meet again towards the end of the week for a session at the gym and then dinner.   

My E-file has just quietly announced to me (he din't like the mental kicking he just received so he is treading carefully), that Mr 2G2BT may cancel this upcoming date and that I won't hear from him again.  My E file has plenty of entries from men who have disappeared after I have asked them to back down.  However, I'm thinking that Mr 2G2BT is pretty classy, therefore, if he doesn't cancel this upcoming date, he will not ask me out again once this one is done. 

We will see what happens.... I may be completely wrong on this.... I will keep you posted.

I am feeling better after writing about my bummed out list.  I was also tired today and slept quite a bit. 

There is a lot to be said about being rested.  There is also a lot to be said about expressing these thoughts in a blog.

Thank you for reading!

Signed yours in a not so bummed out state after all,

SSW :)

Pistanthrophobia

In the last few entries, I have mentionned someone to you.  Do you remember Mr Coach's colleague (Mr Coach was introduced to you in my entry 'The Bid D' )?   His colleague and I have been communicating now for quite some time over email on the dating site.  He is more of an arts kind of guy, enjoys acting and music.  We will call him Mr Artsy. 

Now Mr Artsy clearly states in his profile that not only does he want a long term relationship, but that he also wants to get married again.  I'm not quite sure about marriage (I'm still trying to get more than two weeks in with one guy),  however that is a hurdle I will cross if ever it presents itself.

So all is good, Mr Artsy and I are getting to know each other.  We seem to have quite a few things in common.  He is very involved in his children's lives and I respect that completely.  We have not been able to meet yet because of scheduling difficulties on both our parts, but it will come..... at least I thought it would.....And before you ask, I have not told him about his colleague Mr Coach.

Yesterday, while discussing the fact that we should probably meet face to face soon he dropped a bombshell on me.  Out of the blue he stated that he realized that he needs to work on being happy with himself and that getting into a relationship right now is not a good idea.  He then added 'but a friend with benefits is always welcomed even though I know that it is not what you want.  The last I thing I want to do'  he says, 'is hurt someone'. 

Smooth isn't he?

1.2 seconds after he said that, my E file yelled 'haha',  then jumped up and started searching for entries about past experiences. My T file smirked and even said 'I told you not trust anyone's words!'  Then, the M file got pensive, took off her glasses and last time I peeked, looked quite distraught over the whole scenario.

I've decided for now that it is way easier to let them figure things out in my brain for awhile.

While the files were reacting, several things occurred to me at once after that statement.

First one is that Mr Artsy has never wanted a relationship in the first place, that he pretended to want one only to reel me in.

Second thing, Mr Artsy is actually being honest.  He has realized that he needs time and that he has a few issues to work on.

The third thing is pure and simple paranoia.  He changed his mind because of me, it's my fault, there are no two ways about it....

So there you have it.  Lots of things going on up there eh? (yes there).  I didn't get one warning bell, probably because we thankfully never met.

I don't know what to think but frankly I'm proud of myself for not responding in an impulsive manner.  Such as telling him 'you're a lying jerk, that's all you ever wanted', etc...   I simply did not say anything.

I strongly believe that what he truly wants is a friend with benefits but at least I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he has realized that he needs time. I'm also starting to feel more secure that paranoia has nothing to do with this and that I didn't do anything wrong.  Even though I feel like I wasted time in a big way, perhaps it's not so bad because I'm learning to NOT jump to conclusions. 

Bottom line I will never know if the reason he gave me is in fact true.  It doesn't really matter except it did unbalance things again in terms of my new motto to trust first. 

Perhaps I should revert to my old way of thinking 'don't trust until proven otherwise....'

I'm starting to think that I'm  suffering from pistanthrophobia....the fear of trusting people.

Now speaking of trust, let's talk about tonight's outing.  I had an evening with Mr 2G2BT tonight.  We went to our local minor league hockey game an then went out for a drink.  Mr 2G2BT is smooth, have I mentionned that already?  He likes to talk (in fact, he really really likes to talk), he's intelligent an knowledgeable, I will give him that.  He tried to move a bit too fast for a third date (key word being 'tried') but he did show respect (which is obviously very important). 

Now whether Mr Artsy had something to do with it or not, something is up.  My trust instinct is all messed up and the files are still arguing.  In fact, I just saw a Do Not Disturb sign in front of my Mitigation file.  Yup, something is up.....

*sigh*.  I still maintain that Mr 2G2BT is in fact, 2G2BT.  Is it my instinct?  Is it a fake warning bell?  Is my E file out of control because my M file has put up a DND sign?  I'm not even going to talk about the T file right now...

Am I in fact suffering from Pistanthrophobia? 

Biggest question of the evening:  Am I all out of sorts because Mr 2G2BT is NOT ringing any bells and this in turn makes me hear a warning bell?  Is it that messed up in there?  (yes there). 

Hmmmm, my M file just put her Do Not Disturb sign away....  she is ready to tackle this new possibility..... 

I don't want to trust, I fear the trust, I hate that I have to force myself to trust but I don't think it's a phobia.....yet. 

There are lots and lots of different messages filing through there (yes there). I'm not sure what to think.  I will however do what I said I would do in my entry 'Unvirtuous me'.  I will take a deep breath, let it be and keep busy. 

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm still on high alert over the whole thing but I need to be patient and I need to........ hmmmm BE PATIENT!!

Unfortunately, this has thrown me into serious over analysis......Thus explaining why I'm writing this at 3:30 AM.

Give it time SSW, just give it time.....

Signed a possible pistanthrophobic SSW :)

Paused Mental Stability

While at the gym a few days ago, I was in a very crowded women's change room.  I was leaving while many others, mostly 17-19 year olds were getting ready.  I was doing my thing, changing after my workout and was not really paying attention to anything in particular.

My ear suddenly got tuned into a conversation that was being held between two girls (around 17 years old).  They were talking loudly so that doesn't count as eavesdropping right?  Besides, it was interesting material, possible blog related material, I couldn't just NOT listen when it was so obviously loud....HA.

It seems that one of the girls was upset.  She was upset about a 'F***ken A*S' of a GUY.  Oh oh I thought.  This is not good.  Nothing like an emotionally charged 17 year old girl upset at a GUY!!!!  Don't know about you but if I were that so called A*S of a GUY, I sure as heck would have hidden out for a few days....especially after her declaration 'I'm in PMS too so it's not good ' ! Yikes!!!

She was in PMS, PreMenstrual Syndrome, or as I like to call it Paused Mental Stability.  *sigh*.

Anyways, this lovely teen girl was upset, her voice was cracking and she was on the verge of crying.  He had apparently hurt her badly.  There was another lady in the change room that also noticed the conversation.  This lady was closer in age to me.  We exchanged knowing looks, sympathetic smiles and finished doing our thing......

What could we, as middle aged women, have said to this young hormonal girl.  Mind you, I'm not so sure she is more hormonal that this perimenopausal woman listening to her.... I could teach her a thing or two about Paused Mental Stability!  HA!! 

It's so easy to blame our emotions on hormones isn't it!  I seriously try to avoid the link and I try to take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions instead of blaming those on hormones.... I tried and succeeded for the most part my life up until a few years ago when I discovered that I was not necessarily in charge of those said hormones.  Perimenopause had reared its' ugly head!!! 

You know in cartoons sometimes when you see someone trying to make a decision?  They have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, each telling the person what to do?  Well that happens to me in my brain.  Great you say, another thing happening up there along with all my files! Ha!

For the most part I'm able to make the right decision. I've developed survival mechanisms over the years that have helped me deal with the two voices in my head.  The bitchy complaining one, you know the loud one that gets on your own nerves let alone everyone else's and the other one, the one trying to tell you to shut up and walk away.  Most of the time, depending on how tired I am (and then I just start crying), I'm able to walk away.  Oh I still get some serious Mental Pauses, however, for the most part, I'm fully aware that I'm having an attack of the Paused Mental Stability.   This wisdom of  knowing to walk away and of knowing what is happening is filed in my E file.  This is a good entry to the file.... in fact, it's probably my best entry!  On top of that, this wise knowledge is also stored in my T file.  I sure trust that one let me tell you!

Not only have I learnt to stop talking, bite my tongue and walk away, I have also learnt to never ever make an important decision at THAT time.  Why?  Because the decision is full of emotions, full of hormones and usually not well thought out.  An emotional only decision is usually a bad decision.

I think if I could have said something to that teen girl the other day, it would have been 'give it time, walk away, sleep, talk to your girlfriends, cry, but DO NOT talk to that GUY until you are done your PMS, until your Mental state is not Paused and is once again stable'.  Now obviously I didn't know the full story but I think that this may have been a good starting point for her.  I also know that telling a woman going through PMS that she is in a state of Paused Mental Stability could have indeed caused serious verbal and possible physical assault on my being! 

Now, I will throw in a paragraph for liability purposes.  If you are a naive unsuspecting young man reading this, please do not use my words.  DO NOT approach a woman that is clearly in PMS and tell her that she is in a state of Paused Mental Stability.  Side effects of using such words are as follows:  you may experience being yelled at, you could perhaps get slapped, you may get a cold shoulder for the next week, you may sleep on the couch very far away from the said woman (and for a very long time).  If this woman, the recepient of your words is your mother, you may get punished until you are 35 years old, lose all of your gaming entertainment and get THE speech of your lifetime.  Do not try this at home, at school or at work. (This warning is brought to you by yours truly and by every medical and mental health association you can think of).

This being said, I pride myself on trying to raise a son that is sensitive to a woman's needs (my future daughter in law better thank me one day).  While having one of our many talks years ago about the woman's reproduction system, puberty, monthly cycles and eventual menopause, my 11 year old solemnly declared to me that 'you women are very complicated'.  He was very happy to not have his body go through all of 'those things'.  My boy and I also had a very serious talk about the respect that he must have for such things happening in a woman's body.  For the respect that SHE must have about her own body and that HE, as a boy and eventually as a man must also show to all women.  Much to my delight, I have succeeded in transmitting this message and he is a very respectable young man!

I would be willing to bet that most men are somewhat confused about this whole PMS thing.  Some guys are very uncomfortable and don't say much about it.  Others are crass about it.  There are tons jokes about it.  Some men are repulsed by it, don't believe in it and some are sarcastic and cynical over it. 

I have to say that for the most part, that I have been very lucky with my experience in the men vs PMS stand off.  My late husband was very caring and understanding about it and would often shut up and just hug me.  Now I must note that him being 20 years my senior was an advantage in this case.  He had learnt, through years of experience, that this was probably the safest reaction for him ;)  Because my son was brought up in an open environment, he has also learnt to be gentle and caring with his mother when she is in her state of Paused Mental Stability.

Hormones are a part of our lives whether we want them or not.  I think this young girl from the gym will probably develop her own survival mechanisms when it comes to GUYS in general and when it comes to these said GUYS and her hormones.  She probably won't have a choice in figuring out, identifying and controling her own Paused Mental Stability attacks.

I find as men get older that they are more opened to talking about such things.  So far, the little dating I have done has shown me men that are, for the most part, sympathetic about the whole women and hormones scenario.  Of course at their age they have all had their share of experiences in this matter, so they better be sympathetic ;)

I just had an attack of Paused Mental Stability a few days ago.  My reasoning was shot out the door.  In trying to develop better eating habits I ended up gaining 7lbs in 3 weeks.  Needless to say, if you refer to my entry (U Can't Touch This) this gain was not welcomed and was met with much frustration and anxiety.  However, I have adjusted the errors made in my diet and also realized (with some relief) that my perimenopausal state and fluid retention had caused a bit of this gain.

Now that I've sorted this out,  I have filed the knowledge that perimenopause is IN FACT EVIL AND HATEFUL (oops I was shouting).  Let me try again.  I have registered into my E-file, that hormones levels during perimenopause can sometimes make me gain.  I should now be able to control future attacks of my Paused Mental Stability caused by weight gain around THAT time (it's hard not to raise your voice while talking about THAT THING). 

Back to the girl from the gym, I truly hope that she, (along with every other girl and women) notices her reactions at that special time of the month and that she remembers what works and what doesn't work in trying to control her attitude.  It could mean a big difference in how she feels about herself and how other important people in her life (such as that GUY) feels about her.

Now I DON'T CARE if it's -40 outside, OPEN A WINDOW, I'm having a hot flash.....

Signed, yours in a currently mild state of Paused Mental Stability.

SSW :)


Gotta love Maxine! 

Unvirtuous me

There is an old adage that states that patience is a virtue.  That to be able to wait for something and to be able to trust that time will settle things is noble and oh so virtuous. 

Well I'm here to tell you that I've come to the realization that I'm unvirtuous and clearly not patient at all when it comes to relationships or the potential of one.

Oh I know all about the virtue of patience.  I have gone through years of weight battles, I work in the 'people field' where it is necessary to be very patient at times.  I know all about being patient.

Now why in the world can I not apply this patience to my dating life?  It's weird, I say I'm not desperate and that I am very independent yet, I want to jump ahead and see what happens? 

Now that I stop and think about it, I do that in books also.  I often jump ahead to the end of my book to read what will happen?  As a little girl, I used to go under the Christmas tree when no one was around and carefully unwrap my gifts to see what they were (thus ruining the surprise for Christmas day).  Why would I do that?  The obvious answer is that I'm impatient at times.  In case you are wondering, I do not still unwrap my gifts from under the tree before it's time to open them ;)

This begs the question.  Is there a control freak lurking in this Self-Sufficient Women's psyche somewhere?  OMG, I've been complaining that some men are control freaks.  Am I in fact just as bad as they are???  Why would I read ahead in a book?  Why would I unwrap gifts before the right time?  And why oh why am I impatient about this dating thing?

Frankly, I'm not exactly sure what is preventing me from dumping the whole dating scene.  I was way more comfortable NOT dating.  I was untroubled doing my thing at home, cozy and nestled in my own little world and not having to be concerned about this Mr or that Mr. 

It would be comforting to go back but I will NOT dump the whole dating world.  I am realizing that if I want to maybe find a life partner that I need to not feel the urge to control the outcome.  I must trust that the cards will fall where they fall and that the only thing that I can control is me and my reaction to it all.  Does that make sense?

I'm slowly figuring out that in order to trust, that I need to be patient with myself first and just go day to day and let things settle as they should. 

I am realizing that I do not NEED to know how anything develops.  I just have to give it time.

What I do need to do is to stop and take a deep breath when I start feeling that desire to know....whether it be in books, for gifts or for future possible relationships.  After the deep breath, I will keep myself busy.

Deep down somewhere inside of me, I feel the comfort of knowing that no matter what, I'll be ok.  That I am truly self-sufficient and that I do not have to do this at all costs.  I know that I am simply being impatient or perhaps even curious about the future. 

What I'm truly living though is the sensation you get when you apply for another job after 20 years of working at the same place, or when you decide you will leave your partner of  10 years.  I am feeling the distress of stepping out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes it is easier to stay where you are presently, whether it be in a boring job or in an unhappy relationship.  It is only when you have taken that leap of faith that you realize that there is another life out there for you.

I just hope that I can hold on to my patience and that I do not get discouraged too soon.  That IF ever I decide to drop this and go BACK to my comfort zone it will not be because I was scared of the outcome or that I was too impatient to wait.....

In my past entries, I have named some of my reasons in wanting a life partner.  One reason I have not yet admitted to you is my fear of growing old alone.  I know very well that I would be fine to grow old alone, that I'm ressourceful enough to keep busy and to do my own thing but still..... alone as you get older and as time creeps by....  it's sometimes scary.

I've had an absolutely amazing woman in my life that was alone for the last 25 years of her life.  My mother.  She was an incredible woman that took it one day at a time at all levels.  She made things happen for herself whether it be in terms of meeting new friends, finding new activities and learning new hobbies.  She never complained about being alone but sometimes I would spot a tiny little crack in the meaning of her words.  'It's not always easy being alone' she would say.  Or my favorite 'sometimes I have to have a good talk with myself '.  I already know what she meant by those words....

With a role model like that, I know that I would be more than ok, even if she did start her 'alone' stage at a much older age than what I am presently.

Another thing I admired so much about my mother is that, as she aged and as she saw her lifelong friends pass away, she built up a new social network.  She knew she had to continue having friends and she made sure to make that happen. Not a small feat for anyone, let alone an elderly person. 

I lost this incredible woman in July 2012.  Not a day goes by without me thinking of her several times per day.  In fact, sometimes I still catch myself wanting to call her...... I suspect it will take me awhile to 'remember' that I just can't call her...

I sometimes stop and imagine what she would think of this blog of mine.  I have a strong image of her shaking her head at me and telling me 'you are complicating your life my girl'.  lol.   She would have also stated that we must all go through our journey though....

I vow to all of you right now that I will not give up on my quest to finding a lifelong partner until I feel deep down that I have tried my best.  I will continue to filter my experiences through my mitigation file before entering any more data into my trust file though. That being said, I will definitely continue to trust myself, to try and trust the man I'm potentially going to date and to also consider your opinions before making any decisions.

More importantly, I will continue to challenge myself to move out of my comfort zone. 

I'm reminded of Lee Ann Womack's song 'I Hope You Dance'. 

I leave you with some of her lyrics.....

I remain yours, truly in search of virtue,

SSW :)

2G2BTP2

Hello and welcome to my Too Good To Be True Part 2 entry. 

Mr 2G2BT and I had a change of plans from a few days ago to today.  We did see each other though.  We met at the gym earlier in the day than anticipated and then we went for a late lunch.

Before I tell you about the date, I want to tell you the reason for the change of plans.  Firstly, he had to drive his daughter to and from work because there was a change in her hours.  No problem, I have no issues with that.  Secondly, the change of plans was due to the hockey season starting over today.  His team was playing tonight.   I'm not sure what to think about that?

To be fair to him, the National Hockey League has been on strike and there hasn't been a game in quite some time.  He loves his hockey but he did tell me on our first outing that he could take it or leave it if need may be.  Also, in his defense, this is only our second outing..... 

My Mitigation file has taken note of my concerns.  My E file is jumping up and down and screaming, entries are flying all over the place again.  Why you may ask?  The E file is trying to get my attention.  The E file wants me to really take a look at this change of plans.  The E file is throwing entries at me, showing me other times in the past where plans were changed.  My E file is furious at me now cause I'm ignoring the temper tantrum.   My T file is still laying there emotionless in its' corner.....

I think the M file is showing me to use a bit of reason in this.  It is only a second date and more importantly it wasn't a big elaborate outing that was planned.  This is noted in the M file and life happily goes on.  Well, life happily goes on for me,  my E file (in my brain in case you have not read the earlier entries) is not impressed at all!

So how was the outing you may ask?  We met at the gym late morning.  I wasn't too keen on showing up on a 'date' in my sweats and not necessarily looking my best but then I said 'What the heck, I am what I am'!  The gym was ok.  I seem to be someone that pushes herself more at the gym than he does.  We were fine, conversed and kept an eye on each other's ability. 

After the workout, we parted ways, I went home to shower and change and he showered at the gym (it is soooo not complicated for a man).  Anyhow, we met one hour later for a nice lunch.

Once again I have to say that Mr 2G2BT was still way 2G2BT.  Conversation flowed, he seems well balanced,  he's intelligent, and talks about all kinds of things. 

In my E file there is a definite entry that I like intelligent men.  I'm attracted to them and lo and behold, my T file agrees.  I think I just spotted my M file nodding at me, confirming that this attraction to intelligence is in all three files and that it is ok to look for that trait in a man.  The M file also just confirmed to me that I am in fact NOT a snob if I don't feel any attraction whatsoever to a man that cannot stimulate my mind. 

Mr 2G2BT has very high energy and I caught him saying that he might be someone with an undiagnosed  ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).  I am fully aware of the ADHD traits and although I have not spotted anything in terms of distractions, I definitely spotted the active (hyper?) part of it.  Nothing wrong with lots of energy.... 

Wait a minute please, stop and listen.........

...............................

...........nope, nothing.  I can't hear any bells ringing.  No ding and no dong.  Things are quiet in terms of warning bells.....

Now I'm not saying that I'm going to ignore everything, but I'm really trying to give it time.....

I'm not seeing any sparks fly with Mr 2G2BT, however, somewhere scattered in the mess that is my E file (he really threw a tantrum), there is an entry in there which states that sparks and physical attraction do not necessarily happen immediately!   My T file complacently agrees and my M file just gave me a thumbs up.   Mr 2G2BT does have beautiful blue eyes though.....

We left our lunch with a shake of the hands in the restaurant then a hug outside.  Mr 2G2BT and I have made plans to keep in touch until we see each other sometime this week for an outing...perhaps a walk?  While discussing what to do mid-week, Mr 2G2BT said something funny and a bit odd.  He said 'Although I would like to, I can't offer you a quick flight to New York for an evening outing'.   I was a bit surprised at this comment and told him I certainly had no expectations whatsoever of that type of outing. I'm not sure where that comment came from?  It didn't ring a bell but I wonder about it..... 

I am looking forward to seeing him again.  There is still something about Mr 2G2BT that I can't put my finger on, I can't pinpoint it.....he is still too, too, too.....something.  I don't necessarily think that it's something bad though, I'm just not sure what it is.  Again, I won't over analyze it (pretty good of me eh)?

The filing system analogy I use to describe what is going on in there (yes there) is helping me quite a bit in not only putting into words what I want to share with you but has also helped me break down my thoughts and my experiences. 

In the past, I never used to go out on a date with another man while there was some 'potential' with someone else.  After processing this through my M file I have decided that it may be better for me to in fact continue to meet other men if the occasion arises. 

With that in mind, I will meet someone else Monday evening for a coffee....  I have been exchanging emails with him for a few months now an for some reason we never did have the time to meet.  He has younger children though (the bells have already rung) but I will keep an open mind about this. 

I don't know if dating more than one person at a time will confuse things for me or make things clearer.  I have no entry in the E file about this yet so it's a new experience for me.

I am also still communicating with Mr Coach's colleague (remember Mr Coach in my entry 'The Big D')?  I'm not sure where that is going or if it will go anywhere.....No, I have not told him about Mr Coach.....

I have a sneaky suspicion that my E file will freak out completely if I go out with Mr Coach's fellow worker though.....  Oh oh, my M file did not like that comment.  I've just been reprimanded and told that it is not a fair statement....  *sigh*.   At times, it's a bit complicated up there (yes there).

My files and I bid you a good night!

SSW :)

2G2BT

Now before I start writing, I will immediately tell you that I already know what you will all be thinking by the end of this entry to my blog !  You will all say 'SSW, you are cynical'.  I know you will say it so I decided to say it before you!  So THERE!  HA!  Thing is, I sort of agree with you all!

I went out tonight after a two week break.  I met Mr Too Good To Be True. 

Mr 2G2BT is almost 53 years old, kind, gentle, intelligent, witty, funny, very presentable, respectful, attentive and wayyyyy too, too, too.....hmmmm, I don't know what to write..... way too SOMETHING!  I don't know, I can't put my finger on it.  He definitely earned the title of Mr 2G2BT though. 

Now you may ask 'Were your bells ringing'?  My answer is a resounding 'no' (well yes but only because I think he is 2G2BT).  So I know that you are now concluding, (as I am by the way) that my T file has been closed shut, jumped on and kidnapped by my E file.  I admit that the possibility has crossed my mind.  *sigh*.

BUT!!!  (Did you hear that BUT)?  The good news is that for the first time ever, I have put an entry in my M file.  The mitigation process has begun and my E file is trembling, entries are flying all over the place in there (yes, in my brain).  I have NOT jumped to any conclusion (well apart from the fact that he is 2G2BT) and more importantly, I have not already given up on him.  In fact, the bells are not ringing too loudly.  To be honest,  I haven't really found anything wrong with him. Yes my dear readers I think I may actually be faced with a ghost warning bell!  A FAKE!  My M file is looking into it, spectacles positioned for thorough examination, pen poised and ready to take notes in this, the file's first entry!  (My files have a very definite persona).

My M file has already made me realize that my T file may in fact be too scared to open up right now because this guy is really 2G2BT!  Something to think about.....

I'm nervous about this.  I'm also at an hormonal time (blog on hormones coming up soon) and I know for a fact (as I will discuss in this future blog) that I WILL NOT BE MAKING ANY DECISIONS WHATSOEVER WHILE I'M BEING HORMONAL!  Oops, sorry, did I yell that!!!??  I'm sorry for yelling..... don't be upset with me for yelling or I may cry a little or a lot, (darn hormones).... anyways, I digress.

Mr 2G2BT has an excellent career, is quite knowledgeable in his field, talks like a father that cares about his young adult children, seems to love his work and could talk his way out of anything (and probably into anything also).  He is a happy person, content and very clear as to what he wants out of life.  

Just so you all know, my M file is writing furiously at this time.  The E file is in one corner sulking (that M file can be vicious in her demands) and the T file is in the other corner, completely emotionless at the moment.  Things are pretty tense up there (yes there).  But I won't worry about it and I will let the M file take care of things for the time being.

Only time will tell.  I'm seeing Mr 2G2BT again on Saturday for an outing at the gym and then out to dinner.

I have to admit that I was shocked to see the time when I left the restaurant tonight.  I met him at 7h30 pm and when I peeked at the time in the car on my way back, it was almost 11h00 pm.  I honestly did not see the time go by...... I am staying away from deep analysis on this (aren't you all proud of me)?  I've delegated this task to my M file.  Besides, deep analysis while hormonal is dangerous not only for me but for anyone around me..... HA!

I have nothing else to say except let's see what comes out of this....

Stay tuned....

Yours in uncertainty,

SSW :)

Mr,Mrs, master, mistress

I listened to an interview this morning on my way to work.  The person being interviewed was a transgendered man.  He had a very interesting story.  What made it even more fascinating for me was that I know his family.  In my small community, it is really not surprising.

The interview got me thinking about the differences in our lives.   Some of us have issues that are more hidden than others.....

This woman, formerly man being interviewed this morning was living a double presentation of her life. Those were her words. She did not see herself as two people but as someone having to present herself in two different fashions, depending on who she was with.  For the public in general, she was a woman and for her family, she was still a man.  She was having more difficulties in having her family accept her changes.

In my 'To pee or not to pee' entry, I presented to you a few individuals that I met in the past.  I forgot to tell you about Mr Submissive.   Mr Sub was a very highly placed member of my community.   He was a major decision maker in his work.   It took him about 5 outings to admit to me that he was looking for a dominatrix, for someone to call mistress and for him to be a slave.   Now this was no fun and games for him, he was extremely serious, to the point of giving me (believe it or not) a paddle to slap his butt.  Yes, you read right.  During our 5th date, in a restaurant he gave me a paddle in a bag.  He then proceeded to tell me that he would not speak unless spoken to and that he would always seek out my permission to talk to anyone when we were together.  This happened about 9 or 10 years ago.  I have to admit that our dinner ended up being pretty quiet..... The only interruption was from me trying to control my giggling. 

Is any of you finding this hard to believe?  Why do I have to be the one meeting Mr Sub and Mr Happy Feet and Mr Podiatrist?  How about the stoned fireman and the one that wanted to pee on me?  Where the heck is Mr Right??  Anyways....just needed to throw this paragraph in!!

Now as stated before, I am very open minded, but in my defence,  Mr Submissive's request came out of nowhere.  I wasn't laughing at him, but I was quite uncomfortable thus causing the giggling.   He also wanted to serve me, do my laundry, run my errands, etc.  You want to talk temptation?!   Ha!

I'm all for fun and games in a couple. I am open minded and what happens behind closed doors is up to the couple. I was not and am still not ready to become a dominatrix, even if I would have 'seriously studied' the subject as Mr Submissive had suggested.

Being educated in and also working in the people field, I did look up the world of sub-dom though.  I am far from being an expert on the subject but what I did read about it back then was fascinating....

The interview from the transgendered lady this morning reminded me of Mr Sub and both situations got me thinking again about honesty when meeting people.  I've been writing about being honest and upfront and about the fine line between total honesty in what you want and in what you are and the need to hold back a little bit as you get to know people.

I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be for some people to face their own realities.  How does a lady, that used to be a man, meet a man for a relationship?  I suspect that it may be easier (especially in a bigger city) for the submissive to find a dominatrix but how socially acceptable is it?  Indeed, how difficult it must be for many....

There are many people in my life that are homosexual.  When you stop and think about it, you must realize that it must be so difficult for them also in a small community (or even in a bigger one I'm sure).  It is sad that generally speaking, we have not evolved enough as a human species, never mind as a society, to accept all of mankind.  Of course many many people accept others as they are and we cannot forget that either.

Let's take a minute, let's close our eyes and let's imagine how life would be if we fully accepted the transgendered, the dom-sub, the homosexuals, the foot fetish people etc.... Let's allow our empathy to reach a new level.  Let's put ourselves in their shoes for a minute. 

I don't know about all of you, but this little exercise makes me realize a few things.  Firstly, not to belittle my own issues, but it certainly puts my trust concerns in perspective doesn't it?  Secondly, how much better life would be if we could all accept each other as we were.

There is enough stress and sadness in the world, why must we unnecessarily pile more of it on ourselves?  Does the other person's sexual preference or orientation really make that much of a difference in our life? 

As long as there is mutual respect in any relationship, I firmly believe that we should just concentrate on our own lives and let the others live their own.....

Generally speaking, empathy leads us to accept and respect others. 

Just a thought... 

SSW :)

Theme week!?

Two entries ago, I talked about Mr Podiatrist and his foot fetish.  Little did I know that this would turn into theme week for me.   I kid you not that I have had two other foot fetish men contact me.  I'm seriously starting to wonder if someone is playing a joke on me......

It got me thinking though.  One of those gentlemen, Mr Happy Feet was very concerned with what I knew about foot fetishes.  Well little did he know that I had just made some research on it for my blog.  For a split second I thought of giving him the link ......

I was curious to see why it was so important for him to know what I knew about this interest of his.  I told him the little that I did know and much to my surprise, he didn't care at all about the size or the condition of the feet.  No, there's a whole different category of feet lovers out there and they want to be walked on.  What an education for me. 

I had actually heard about this before and of course was interested as to what would make someone want that?  Again, I really don't care what you like or what turns you on but if you are talking to me about it, I will ask questions and I'm going to want to learn.

I exchanged a few emails with Mr Happy Feet and as it turns out, he calls himself a gentle caring man and he is sick and tired of having women take advantage of his good nature.  Now, not to be overly mean here but this does beg the comment......'Mr Happy Feet is tired of having women walk all over him'!  (HA).

I did ask him on which part of his body he liked to be walked on and he said absolutely anywhere.  That the pressure was great, the feeling of being walked on was great and the shoes, oh the shoes (I could almost hear him gasp out of excitement through his email) were terrific.  The view he had of the ladies when he was being walked on was also exciting he stated (ahem).

*sigh*.  Where do I begin?  If this man would have introduced himself  in a 'normal' (for lack of a better word) fashion, I would have continued emailing him.  He seemed nice enough, looked good in his pictures, had a sense of humour, was educated etc...  But as it stood, he laid all of his cards on the table and this in turn made me fold and leave the game.  Walking all over a man, literally and figuratively is not my thing.  No judgement on my part, just not my thing.  I did make a point of asking him though if the getting-walked-on part was what he was looking for the most.  He replied that it was not, but that it was a very important element.  One that eventually had to be developed in his relationship.

I can't help but wonder if he has the right way of approaching this or not though.  If everyone decided to lay their cards on the table right away, what would happen?  If Mr Handsome would have told me from the get go that he was depressed and that he did not know what he wanted, would I have bothered even trying?  If Mr Coach would have stated that he had some anger issues and that he liked to control people, would I have gone out with him for two weeks?  If I would say from the get go 'I'm probably not going to trust you', would it work?  No of course it wouldn't work.

Each and everyone one of us daters would have every weekend free, the internet dating websites would be empty and more importantly, where would I get my material for my blog?  ;)

There's obviously a fine balance between total honesty and holding back.  This internet dating thing has been called a game and not to be cynical but it seems that we need to play the game very carefully so that we don't get burnt or stepped on (sorry, again I couldn't resist). 

Is Mr Happy Feet being too direct in his approach?  Would I have been disappointed if after 3-4 months of dating him that I would have realized that he wanted me to walk on him?  I seriously doubt that he would have lasted that long without telling me but that is not the point.  I think that Mr Happy Feet took a gamble.  He is a perfectly nice person with a fetish and he took a gamble to bring it out into the open immediately.

Most of us try to remediate our 'issues'.   Whether we are single or not,  I think that we all have a problem that need to be considered at one point in our lives.  Some try to hide the issues, some lie about them, some don't even realize that they have them and some people, well they blog about them :)

How to approach a stranger is a continuous learning process.  Some are very direct, some are more cautious, some go too fast some go too slow, some lie to others and more importantly lie to themselves.  However, the people I feel sorry for the most are the people that don't try at all.  They purposely isolate themselves for fear of dealing with their issues.

Many many people are caught up in their loneliness.  Whether this solitude be felt by someone who is already in a couple or someone that is single, loneliness can be kicked out of your lives for good by communicating and more importantly by trying....

I thoroughly admire Mr Happy Feet.  He put himself out there and he took a gamble with what he wanted!  He was honest about it and more importantly he did not lead any women on for months on end.  Who knows, he may very well meet someone who absolutely has the need to walk all over him.... I say this in all seriousness.  You truly never know who is out there waiting for you.... 

Do not be that person that isolates yourself out of fear of your own issues.  Read about your issues,  educate yourself on them, seek help, talk, grow, learn, blog, do what you want but at least do something!!

There are people in this world that want to be physically stepped on.  Most people would never ever accept to have someone step on them.  However, many allow their issues to weigh them down and to take control of their beings....

Let us all be in control of our beings and of our issues shall we?

SSW :)

Meet my perfect partner.....

How easy is it to be lonely?  How easy is it to let oneself become bored because of loneliness?  How easy is it to be lonely in a crowded room and yes, even be lonely within a relationship? 

The answer to those questions can be answered by one word and one word only:  'Very'.

I suspect that one of the major and more serious problems of this internet dating world is that people are settling because of loneliness.  They settle, they expect you to settle and then when it doesn't work out, they wonder what is wrong with them or what is wrong with the other person.

When you absolutely and totally refuse to settle though, what happens?  Well, the one thing that happens is that you get called fussy or picky.  To all my friends that call me that, it's ok, I can handle it ;)

There are other social things that happen.  You start feeling like a third wheel to all of your married or coupled friend.  When that happens, you then start pulling back a little to avoid feeling like that said third wheel and especially to avoid making the couple feel bad for your singlehood (there is nothing worse than that).  I have absolutely amazing friends and I'm not complaining.  This is my perception and it has nothing to do with the friends per say.  The danger socially though is to isolate yourself too much.  You need to be aware.....

There are actually physical and physiological effects to loneliness.  A quick google search on the subject will show you words like depression, addiction, weight gain, high blood pressure and increase to your risk of strokes.  It can speed aging, it can increase your stress, decrease your memory and learning, can create antisocial behavior, can lead to poor decision-making, can actually progress alzheimer's disease and it can alter brain function to name a few.

This is a scary list.  You need to really take a minute and think about this.  Wow it's scary!

Yet, I still don't think that it's wise to settle for just anyone in order to get rid of this loneliness. 

Take tonight for example.  I was invited out to dinner by Mr Handsome.  Remember him?  The depressed guy?  I talked about him in my entry 'Ding Dong the bells are ringing'.  I have already determined that Mr Handsome is not right for me.  I know that it will not go anywhere with him because he is not at a good place right now and we don't want the same things (he doesn't know what he wants). 

How easy would it have been for me to accept this date tonight?  You already know that he is a nice man, that I like him but.....  My goal in finding a potential partner needs to stay focused on just that, my goal.  I can't start building friendships based on someone else's needs and just because I want to be with someone.  This would perhaps be a short term cure to loneliness but a long term headache in terms of what I want and of what Mr Handsome would eventually expect.  Yes, of course I could develop a friendship with him or anyone else, and although friendship is definitely a first step, it is not my ultimate goal.

So what is the solution?  99% of the time I know the solution.  I keep busy and I'm quite happy to do 'my' thing.  I try to find the balance with my social life with my married friends, I remember to exercise and to watch for the signs of boredom or loneliness when I'm standing in front of my cupboard looking for food, I leave the wine bottle corked most of the time, I'm aware of signs of extreme restlessness and I've learnt to outlet my energy through exercise mostly.  I sometimes force myself to read or to watch a movie.  I have authors that I keep in mind just for those moments when I KNOW that I will NEED a good read to keep my mind busy.  Thus, I have developed sane and healthy ways of keeping the rare but still existant signs of loneliness at bay.

Yes my dear readers, I have found my perfect partner.....ME. 

'ME' is the perfect partner just in case I do not find my Mr Right.  Hopefully it will perhaps assure that I don't fall for Mr Wrong.

In his hierarchy of needs, Abraham Maslow describes self-actualization as
such:

"What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization…It refers to the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."

A good thing that is happening I think is that my personal journey toward self-actualization keeps on developing.  I might as well strive to become the best of who I can be in the ways that I think are best....

I am 100% convinced that my relationship with the most important person in my life (me), is the one thing that will keep me sane.  This healthy relationship with  myself assures me that I do not develop a sense of desperateness that I so often see on dating sites.

This realization on my part is probably the easiest to forget.  My perfect partner has a tendency to think too much and can sometimes get overwhelmed by her thoughts.  I think I will come back and read this entry to her once in awhile.  It may help out when the feelings of loneliness overcome her......

Now where is that book I was reading....

 

SSW :)

What size are my feet?? OMG I'm exhausted!!...

I've turned off the images from my dating profile for a bit.  Turning off the pictures might assure that some men might read the profile and not just judge on pictures.   That being said, some don't bother looking at profiles if no photos are posted....  I'm hoping for the latter for awhile.  Yes, I can also turn off the profile completely but I'm not quite there yet.

Now, that I've been doing this dating thing for awhile, I have to say that it is exhausting.   You always have to be 'on' and it feels like you are continuously on an interview.   That is fine and I get that it's part of it.  But it's exhausting!!!! Arghhh!

So why do I continue? Tis the question isn't it?  Especially after just having received a message from a man asking me what size my feet were??  Now you probably are starting to know me enough to realize that there is no way that I'm letting this go. 

So, I asked him why he was curious?  If he had a foot fetish?  Not being an expert on foot fetishes, I decided to do a bit of research on it.  Apparently of all the fetishes, the foot is the biggest turn on for mostly men.  Some like big huge feet in women, some like them dirty but it seems that most like them small and dainty (and clean).  Research is not clear as to why the foot fetish exists but there seems to be some neural connection between genitals and feet?  To be clear here, I really and truly don't care if you have any kind of fetishes including the feet (clean or dirty). 

However, if the fetish is at the forefront of your relationship and more important than anything else in what you are looking for in someone, well then, you may have a problem.....  This is my perception anyways.

So Mr Podiatrist avoided the foot fetish thing, talked about a few unimportant things in his response email to me and at the end, asked again about the size of my feet.

So I replied that I was flat-footed, had bunions and terrible feet that needed a pedicure.  To which he replied (believe it or not) yeah but how big are they?  I couldn't believe it....  I truly couldn't.  

I do believe that Mr Podiatrist's story probably belongs in my 'To Pee or not To Pee' entry but seeing that I can't go back and add it, I decided to throw it in here.  I suspect I will be referring to that blog on a regular basis.....  HA!

So finally I said, my feet are a normal size.  Why the heck are you asking Mr Podiatrist?  He replied yet again, what is normal for you?  To which I replied (I'm obviously bantering with him at this point), what is normal for you? 

He finally said that normal is size 7 or smaller.  To which I replied that I believed that normal was 8.  Then I asked (while shaking my head and chuckling because I already knew the answer), is my foot size a deal breaker?  And guess what he replied?  He said, 'I'm sorry, but yes it is, for me the smaller feet is associated with other things.  I may be wrong but that's what I think'.  I simply lolol (laughed in his face through the internet) and said, I can guarantee you that you are wrong.  My reply bugged him and he asked me why I thought he was wrong.  I didn't bother replying and I blocked him.....  C'mon now Mr Podiatrist!!!!!

I don't care what you want in a relationship, but if you state that you are looking for a long term loving relationship based on honesty and friendship, I seriously don't think that the size of your feet should be the dominating factor!!  I obviously did not bother getting into this discussion with him. 

Note that this is a perfect example of a man stating he wants one thing and really looking for something else.  It happens ALL the time!!!  Arghhh.  Just be honest guys!!

Of course, sometimes I get the impression that I'm from another planet when it comes to some of these men!  Something is afoot it seems! (HA!)!

Anyways, as I'm writting this, my feet ache and I would probably pay good money for a foot massage (haha).

Now, to make things even more interesing (and exhausting), I just received a message from someone who works at the same place as Mr Coach!!!!  OMG I'm so exhausted.....  Now what do I do with that?  Do I eventually bring up Mr Coach?  I guess I'll wait to see if I end up meeting this one or not.  *sigh*. 

I'm exhausted and going to bed! 

Signed exhausted but still chuckling at it all,

SSW :)

'U Can't Touch This'!!

I hope you will all allow me one entry of tooting my own horn in my blog.  I promise I won't make a habit of it but darn it, if you can't toot your own horn, who will?  Besides it feels good once in awhile, you should try it!  ;)  Here goes.....

Let's go back to about 8-9 years ago.  I was twice the woman I am now at that point.  I was also hypertensive, had low energy and was afraid of diabetes (as I still am).  Oh I tried all kinds of weight loss methods and they worked for the most part.  I lost 80 lbs, gained it all back, loss 65, gained it all back, lost 75, gained it all back and finally about 2.5 years ago, I lost 80 and gained back 40. 

In order to not gain it all back at this time and in order to regain control AND to stop the yo yo weight loss, I joined Weight Watchers online.  Now I was never one to eat very poorly or I would never have fit through the proverbial door, but I did find out that my portions were out of sorts. 

There is a lot to be said about taking care of your portions, to measuring your food and to making yourself accountable for what you put in your mouth.  So 2 years ago this month, I joined Weight Watchers online and I haven't looked back.  I've lost 85lbs (with a total loss of approximately 130 lbs from about 8-9 years ago).  I am now on maintanance and I have met some absolutely incredible people in my online maintenance group. 

I have never stepped foot in a Weight Watchers office and as it stands right now I don't intend to (not that it would matter).  I could go and get weighed and after 6 weeks of weight maintenance I could get a 'ticket' that provides me with a code for free access to my online tools on their site but for me, the 21$ or so per month is thankfully not breaking the bank.  It is also providing continued motivation (if I'm paying I may as well use it).

I have come to look at Weight Watchers as my daily AA meeting.  I have an addiction problem to food and WW has provided me with the daily tools to help me deal with this problem. 

Everyday, I track and I measure and I weigh my food.  I'm now darn good at eyeballing a measure but for the most part, I stick to my routine.  I am within my healthy weight range and I intend, with everything that I've got and with every ounce of my being, to stay there.

Along with eating right and getting myself in control, I have started to exercise.  Now I've always been a walker.  Even at my heaviest, I used to walk.  I can't imagine what would have happened if I wouldn't have had some sort of exercise back then.  However,  I now jog, sometimes I run, sometimes I speed walk.  I can jog 8-10 kms without stopping and, when I have the time, I can sometimes incorporate a 12-15 kms run (always alternating the speed of the run down to a speed walking) into my day.

Along with this exercise and weight loss, I was able to stop taking blood pressure medication, I have no concern for diabetes at this point AND my family doctor tells me that I have the heart rate of an athlete!!!  Me!  Imagine that!!  I am so darn proud of myself!  This year, in order to shake things up a bit in the exercise department, I've just joined a gym.  So far so good and I'm challenging myself to new goals and adventures......

This all being said, let's talk about men!  Now as a general rule, most men will not be jerks about it but let's face it, some will.  MAJOR jerks.  Well I'm here to tell you ladies and gentlemen that I got my revenge one day and boy, did it feel great!! 

Now there are hundreds of advantages to losing weight.  The health benefits are numerous to say the least.  I like to think that I am setting an example for my son and I'm proud to say that many have told me that I have inspired them to start looking into their own lifestyles and weight control.  Those alone are fantastic reasons and well worth it in my book.

There is one advantage though that I never ever thought I would see but I did....hehe!!!  Let's rewind to about 9 years ago when I was at my heaviest.  I met a man for a walk at the park.  He was nice, a professional and we talked about this and that.  He ended up telling me that I was not what he was looking for physically.  Now let's fast forward to this past September.  This same man is still on the dating site and imagine that, he 'hit' on my profile.....

Now he didn't recognize me, but I sure recognized him!  Aren't you all excited for me?  I still feel giddy at having had this opportunity handed to me (HA).  Not only did I remind him of our walk from quite a few years ago (of course he did not remember) but I also proudly stated that I was the same person that I was back then....just smaller now.  This guy, along with a ton of other men have clearly written on their profile that they do not want fat women to contact them and that they are not at all interested in them.  Rude eh?

Well guess what?  Payback is a b*tch and man did it give me a sense of accomplishment.  Despite the fact that I told him that I was the same person as I was back then, he asked me out again.  I obviously refused the outing. 

I'm sorry Mr anti-'fat', but you can kiss, no wait, you can't kiss it, but you can watch my now size 6 jean clad firm ass walk away from you!   Because baby, 'YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS'!!

MC Hammer said it best didn't he......

'.........Yo, I told you (U can't touch this)
Why you standing there, man? (U can't touch this)......'

Forgive me for tooting my own horn, but man did this feel good! 


SSW :))

The big D

At the end of October 2012, I met someone for dinner.  Frankly, I wasn't attracted to him.  He was not the type I usually go for physically. I prefer big and broad shouldered men, this man here, although tall,  was very small. No big deal, after a few hours of talking with him, I realized that I liked him and that we had a ton of things in common.

We chatted through a nice dinner, joked around about the local dancing clubs and for a kick decided to go dancing.  This guy was in good shape, was 48 years old, was educated and loved sports.  He coached a few of them also. 

Now this Mr Coach has adult children and is a grandfather.  He seemed to be well balanced (there are those words again) and he had his life together.  We had a fantastic first date and much to my pleasure he asked me to the movies for the next evening.  In the next two weeks, we went to the movies, had dinner a few times, went dancing, went walking and jogging, went bowling and sometimes we just sat and talked.

A weird thing started happening during this time.  Because I was beginning to see the real him (or the part he wanted me to see), I was starting to find him more appealing.  He wasn't all that bad looking after all.  His personality was shinning through.  This was an excellent thing I thought!

No bells were ringing, things were really good and after two weeks I started to wonder if I had not indeed found a gem in Mr Coach.

Remember at one point in one of my entries I talked about how I hated hearing the warning bells at times?  Remember that?  

Toward the end of our two weeks, we were sitting and talking and Mr Coach told me a story about how his ex wife had brought a dog home some 20 years ago when they were married.  She had brought home a dog, even though they already had one and she hadn't discussed it with him.  He wasn't happy about that.  Fair enough I say....  Lo and behold, this said dog bit one of the children.  So Mr Coach, my calm, cool and collected friend, shot the dog.  Ding dong, the bell rang.  I didn't like hearing that bell, so I reasoned it (now THAT is dangerous and boy did I file that in my E file).

Anyways, to get back to my reasoning, I quickly convinced myself that he was only protecting his children.  I asked:  'Was your daughter badly bitten by the dog, was she ok' ?   He said that she was fine........

He shared another story.  There was a party at his place.  Some people were smoking (common occurence back then).  His young child got up late at night and accidently got burnt by a cigarette.  I said 'Oh my goodness, was she ok'? 
He replied 'yes, she was fine, but I got really mad and threw everyone that was smoking out of the house.  Party was over.  I'm a laid back person but don't piss me off'. 
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong.  But then, my voice of reason again said 'he was only protecting his child'.  Hmmmmm.

Another thing we talked about at one point was that he had not spoken to his ex wife since the day that he had left her some 10 years earlier.  Not once had he uttered a word to her and they raised three kids together.  DING DONG DING DONG.  I didn't even reason this warning, I just ignored it (another add on in my E file of things NOT to do).

He then proceeded to tell me that even though he had always had a good and close relationship with his children that now that they were adults (aged from 20-26) that he did not talk to them anymore because every time he called them, they didn't have much to say to him.  At the time Mr Coach told me this, I did not think much of it.  I simply said they are young and are absorbed in their lives.  Give them time.....  He didn't say much and seemed to agree with me.

Fast forward to 3 days later.  I'm to meet Mr Coach to watch a movie with him.  He sent me a text 45 minutes before we were to meet to inform me that he had to attend to a heating problem in one of his properties and that he would contact me later that evening to catch the movie.  I said fine, no problem.  At this point a small warning tiny ding occured.  But I said, SSW, you are being paranoid, trust him, you have no reason to not believe him right now.  And so I shut my gut up and continued to read my book.

Two and a half hours later, I decided to text Mr Coach and tell him 'I will start driving toward your place, by that time, you should almost be done and we can just grab that movie before it gets too late.'  Note that I purposely texted him to tell him that I was on my way.  I did not want him to think that I was stalking him.  I texted this in all honesty.  Not only did he not text me back, but when I got to his place, he was home....

Now I was not exactly sure on what the procedure was in this case, so I re-texted him.  Note that I could have ignored the fact that he was home but I didn't.  I said you are home?  Would you rather we do this another night?  At this, my dear, calm, cool and collected Mr Coach replied: 'you are insecure'. 

Needless to say that confusion quickly set in on my part.  Of course I then stated the obvious that 'how can I be insecure if I told you I was coming and besides, you lied to me'?  Of course he replied that he hadn't lied. 

So here we have it.  Our first miscommunication.  Our first bump in the road.  So I offered to come over and talk about this.  He refused.  He stated that he was done talking, that he would not communicate and that he didn't need this. 

I asked him politely to act like an adult and to at least keep in mind the last two weeks that we had shared.  He refused again.

Now I've only known Mr Coach for two weeks.  I wasn't sure how he would have reacted so I  kept caution on my side and I did not go knocking on his door. 

Much to my dismay and confusion, I never heard from Mr Coach again.  I tried to communicate with him a few times but there was never a response on his part.

A few things occured to me.  His children are not talking to him because they have learnt from the master himself to not communicate.  They have probably decided to side with their mother at this point.  Another thing that occured to me is that if he hasn't spoken to his ex wife, the mother of his children in 10 years, there is no way that he would talk to me after 2 weeks.

I had not put two and two together when it came to his kids not calling him.  Anytime I start talking with a man, I always make a point of talking about the kids.  If the man states that he is not involved in their lives, even if they are adults, I walk away.  What didn't occur to me with Mr Coach was that his kids not calling him was his fault and not theirs....  Again, Mr Coach (the control freak Mr Coach) didn't like that the kids didn't talk when HE called, so he stopped calling them as punishment??

After letting the dust settle, I tried yet again to communicate (remember that darn phone number that I can never forget)....I still remember the number and yes he's deleted from my phone book.  Anyhow, I tried to communicate again through text but there was no response.  I wasn't really expecting one.

I know that this is a blessing in disguise.  I know it.  Mr Coach obviously has repressed anger (the dog shooting, the ending of the party because he was 'pissed' off) and he certainly also has very serious control issues.

Mr Coach has been the biggest disappointment for me so far; the big D! 

That being said though, I thank my lucky stars that I found out about the repressed anger and the control issues after two weeks and not after two months or goodness forbid after two years.

I struggle with the fact that a warning bell went off the night he had to attend the heating problem and that I ignored it.  Now if I would have ignored it and nothing would have come out of it, I would have said, 'see SSW, you are simply being untrustworthy'.  But it wasn't the case.  I knew something was up.....  and I was right....

How do I know if my gut is telling me the truth or if I'm simply being paranoid or not trusting? 

I trusted this man, ignored my warning bell and my gut and I could have gotten burnt in a much more serious way over time. 

I am still disappointed to this day, but sometimes a little voice tells me 'helloooooo get over it'.... 

I am over Mr Coach, but I've got a big D going on about the potential that was missed and tossed away because of lack of communication....

Once, in the two weeks we were dating, I asked him how come a man like him, an obvious good catch was still single?  He wasn't sure what to reply to that but he did say that he was always in a gym and that it is hard to find time for someone else.  Truth is, Mr Coach is not the only coach around.  Many married men are coaches and they have time.  Mr Coach doesn't communicate and has a few issues to work on and that is the reason why he will most probably continue to be alone.  Too bad for Mr Coach.....

Lesson learnt in many ways with my big D but I'm still struggling with the trust issues.... 

I know I have to start off a relationship by trusting and I know that sometimes my warning bells go off for nothing.  But how do I know if they are true bells or not?  Still pondering these questions....

I remain your SSW, still wondering, still learning, still questioning....

.....but still smiling :)

What was I thinking?

In the spirit of laying it all on the line and of really trying to put myself out there in the dating world, I did something stupid today.   Yup, I fully admit it.  I chatted with an obviously very intelligent man online and decided to meet with him.  No, that wasn't the stupid part, the stupid part is that he lives 122 km (76 miles) away.  The next town over.

Now I joked around with my bff and my sister in law that I was through with men from my region.  That there just wasn't anyone in this town for me!  Of course, ignoring the obvious implications, but nevertheless 'taking a chance' because apparently that's what it's all about, I meet this wonderful, intelligent, insightful, handsome, kind man.  He drove here to meet me.

Before you ask (again, I know you are wondering), he is 10 years my senior (I sense a recurring theme here).  Anyways, let's call him Mr insightful.  I have rarely met anyone that has caught my attention at this level.   He is a gentle soul, full of life, full of common sense and very kind with his parents, his adult children and with life around him.  He has a rare insight on life and I admire that a lot.

However, that being said, he is not leaving his town and I'm not leaving my town.  As kind as he is, I'm not driving 3 hours for a return trip to have dinner with him, nor is he inclined to do so for me and I certainly don't blame him. 

So two questions arise for me.  Firstly, why the heck did I meet with him?  Secondly, is he really all that great or do I think he is great because I can't have him?  Hmmmm, I feel that a wave of over-analysis is about to occur.

To answer the questions in the best of my ability....  I met him because I honestly took a chance.  We talked well, he was clearly intelligent and his insight appealed to me.  He also felt like 'I got him', like I understood him.  We seemed well matched.  So we chanced it.  The worst that can happen at this point is that I have a new friend in the next town over. 

The second question is harder to answer.  Would I really be attracted to this man if he was in my town and if I could see him anytime I wanted?

This begs the question if I'm truly ready for a relationship?  It seems to some people that what I really want is unattainable.  I have been 'accused' (for lack of a better word) by friends, of being too fussy or being too demanding in what I would like in a man.  To those friends, I have always and still do reply that I will never ever settle just to be with someone and if I don't find what I want in my partner well then such is life and that is that.  Some of my friends (certainly not all) don't understand that.  They feel that I should just stop being so darn picky and move on into this dating world with SOMEONE already!

However, Mrs over-analysis here can't really have that.  The over analysis in this case does not lie with what I'm looking for (I'm clear as to what I want in a man).  However my deep thoughts stem from the possibility that I may not really really want it.  Is my T file really that incapacitated? 

The question is bugging me.  Again, I ask it.  Would I pursue a possible relationship with this man if he was in my home town?  If I could see him again tomorrow, would I?  I can definitely and with great certainty tell you that I would, yes!...... I think.....

Darn it!  I can't honestly answer it.....  I know that he is smart and that I like that.  I know that he is insightful and I like that too.  He is kind, considerate, attractive, seems stable, funny etc.... everything I am looking for.  But those  ET files are getting in the way again.  I know they are. 

Key words in my last paragraph just hit me like a brick wall.  I just wrote 'seems stable'.  Isn't it funny to you that I would even write this down?  Why am I even bringing this up?   Truth is, amongst the many many entries in my E files are a few 'unstable' men that I have met.  I seem to have a knack to attract people wanting to 'talk' to me, to open up to me and to seek help (I may have sucker written on my forehead or I'm too kind). Either way, from the earliest days that I can remember up until this time in my life, people talk to me, they let loose and they tell me everything!  What is it about me that make strangers tell me their life stories out of nowhere??

This is an interesting epiphany for me.  I need to stop assuming that every man I meet is an emotionally unstable person ready to break down in front of me at any moment (Mr handsome comes to mind).  I need to really gain control of my T file through my M file and to give my head a shake. 

I will need to take it one day at a time and I will need to trust and to listen to what the man sitting in front of me is honestly saying.  I need to believe that he is being honest and that he is stable.  I think that this is the only fair thing for the other person and for me isn't it?  I'm just now realizing by writing this entry to my blog that THIS is the chance, the leap of faith and the risk so often talked about.  To trust someone, a stranger, but more importantly to trust my own judgement and my own ability to figure this out without over analysis.  I seriously think I can mitigate this. 

Yes, I would meet Mr insightful if he was available.  I would and I'm sure I would!  I would however take it slow and I would proceed with much (much) caution....  As anyone should I think....

Hmmm, look at me.  I feel better.  The analysis was cut short, much to my surprise. 

I've said it before and I say it again, this writing stuff is proving to be very good for me.

I have not over-analyzed as much as I thought I would.  That is a great step forward I think....

Signed a pleasantly surprised to have had an UNDER-analyzed night,

SSW :)

The ET files

When it comes to life, I like sorting things in somewhat of an order...especially in my mind (my house not so much but that's another story).  I categorize my 'official' work stuff in one area of my brain, that area is linked to my 'official' voice, 'official' clothes, 'official' comments, 'official' signatures....well you get the picture.

I then categorize my feelings.  I have my 'mom' heart for my son and I have my 'woman' heart.  I have to admit that 'mom' heart is a lot more organized than the other one! 

I have a special corner in my heart and my brain for my family members, never really filed away, always on the forefront, something like the socks on the floor in my son's room....always there!  ;)

Then I have the part of my brain and heart that takes care of my friends, my pals, my buddies.  I tuck them away, never too far though, with always a little corner sticking out of my filing cabinet (much like my sweaters in my dressers). 

I also have files for my numbers.  I'm blessed (sometimes cursed) with a permanent memory when it comes to numbers.  I write a number, say it or use it once or twice and BAM, I remember it.  It's a real pain when I want to forget someone's phone number (another blog will come along with this comment).

I also have my most complicated file on record in my brain.  I call it the ET file.  This is the Experience-Trust file. In life, after an experience or an event, I always say : 'I will file it under E for experience'.  Unfortunately, after years of saying this, I am now a middle-aged woman with an extremely thick E file.  In fact, it is so thick that sometimes, I have to sit on it, jump on it, squeeeeeeze it down because it is interfering and taking up too much room with my T file.

Now don't get me wrong.  I do not ignore my E file.  I would never do that.  The E file and the warning bells go hand and hand and there is no way that I'm ignoring THAT!  However, something is nagging at me.  I may need to rearrange things around up there (in my brain in case I lost you) because the E file is set too close to the Trust file.  I need to put one in the corner and the other one in the other corner.  Thing is, they always find each other and always connect and compare.  It is a SERIOUS pain in the brain.... 

I have got to start allowing my T file to expand a little bit.  I know that my E file has created havoc and I know that although I can't get rid of the E file, that I cannot let it override the T file.  Do you get that? 

I get it, I understand it, I can explain it, I live it.  But how do I allow the T file to expand? 

I know the answer to that.  I really do.  I just don't want to admit it.   I know that sometimes I've probably had a fake warning bell or a ghost bell ringing.  I suspect my gut wasn't telling me anything (except to stop eating so much cabbage), but my E file (E can also stand for EVIL) stepped in, opened itself up just a little bit and allowed some of its' contents to spill into my T file.  There is some cross-contamination going on in there (again, if you're confused, I'm talking about my brain). 

As I am writing this, I have decided that I now need a new file.  I will call it the M file.  The M file will stand for mitigation.  I need to use the logical part of my brain, the one part that is somewhat-maybe-perhaps-not really-but probably is-linked to the other files. 

As you can tell, my logic is somewhat skewed with it comes to my ET files.  Maybe my M file will help me.  Perhaps I need to open my two ET files together and let them go at it like mad!  Cross contaminate each other for awhile and then, just then will I allow my logic and my M file to step in and decontaminate. 

Really an truly, there is no big secret to the ET files.  I've talked with some men that are super nice but I haven't trusted them because of my past experiences.  I know that this is happening.  I also know exactly the type of mitigation that needs to happen.  I need to start balancing the E file and the T file.  I need to take a chance with my heart whether I want to or not.  I CAN do this....right?  Perhaps, if I'm lucky, taking a chance with my heart will end up filed in my T file.....I don't want to think again of the other filing option....

Mitigating the Experience and the Trust (MET).  Look at that!!  Perhaps that is a good sign!?  Perhaps I will have MET my new partner one day because of these three files....?

I don't know about you but sometimes I think it's a miracle that all I hear up there (yes in my brain) are warning bells......

Despite all of these files, I remain, yours truly in a relatively calm state up there (yes, there),

SSW :)