In the spirit of laying it all on the line and of really trying to put myself out there in the dating world, I did something stupid today. Yup, I fully admit it. I chatted with an obviously very intelligent man online and decided to meet with him. No, that wasn't the stupid part, the stupid part is that he lives 122 km (76 miles) away. The next town over.
Now I joked around with my bff and my sister in law that I was through with men from my region. That there just wasn't anyone in this town for me! Of course, ignoring the obvious implications, but nevertheless 'taking a chance' because apparently that's what it's all about, I meet this wonderful, intelligent, insightful, handsome, kind man. He drove here to meet me.
Before you ask (again, I know you are wondering), he is 10 years my senior (I sense a recurring theme here). Anyways, let's call him Mr insightful. I have rarely met anyone that has caught my attention at this level. He is a gentle soul, full of life, full of common sense and very kind with his parents, his adult children and with life around him. He has a rare insight on life and I admire that a lot.
However, that being said, he is not leaving his town and I'm not leaving my town. As kind as he is, I'm not driving 3 hours for a return trip to have dinner with him, nor is he inclined to do so for me and I certainly don't blame him.
So two questions arise for me. Firstly, why the heck did I meet with him? Secondly, is he really all that great or do I think he is great because I can't have him? Hmmmm, I feel that a wave of over-analysis is about to occur.
To answer the questions in the best of my ability.... I met him because I honestly took a chance. We talked well, he was clearly intelligent and his insight appealed to me. He also felt like 'I got him', like I understood him. We seemed well matched. So we chanced it. The worst that can happen at this point is that I have a new friend in the next town over.
The second question is harder to answer. Would I really be attracted to this man if he was in my town and if I could see him anytime I wanted?
This begs the question if I'm truly ready for a relationship? It seems to some people that what I really want is unattainable. I have been 'accused' (for lack of a better word) by friends, of being too fussy or being too demanding in what I would like in a man. To those friends, I have always and still do reply that I will never ever settle just to be with someone and if I don't find what I want in my partner well then such is life and that is that. Some of my friends (certainly not all) don't understand that. They feel that I should just stop being so darn picky and move on into this dating world with SOMEONE already!
However, Mrs over-analysis here can't really have that. The over analysis in this case does not lie with what I'm looking for (I'm clear as to what I want in a man). However my deep thoughts stem from the possibility that I may not really really want it. Is my T file really that incapacitated?
The question is bugging me. Again, I ask it. Would I pursue a possible relationship with this man if he was in my home town? If I could see him again tomorrow, would I? I can definitely and with great certainty tell you that I would, yes!...... I think.....
Darn it! I can't honestly answer it..... I know that he is smart and that I like that. I know that he is insightful and I like that too. He is kind, considerate, attractive, seems stable, funny etc.... everything I am looking for. But those ET files are getting in the way again. I know they are.
Key words in my last paragraph just hit me like a brick wall. I just wrote 'seems stable'. Isn't it funny to you that I would even write this down? Why am I even bringing this up? Truth is, amongst the many many entries in my E files are a few 'unstable' men that I have met. I seem to have a knack to attract people wanting to 'talk' to me, to open up to me and to seek help (I may have sucker written on my forehead or I'm too kind). Either way, from the earliest days that I can remember up until this time in my life, people talk to me, they let loose and they tell me everything! What is it about me that make strangers tell me their life stories out of nowhere??
This is an interesting epiphany for me. I need to stop assuming that every man I meet is an emotionally unstable person ready to break down in front of me at any moment (Mr handsome comes to mind). I need to really gain control of my T file through my M file and to give my head a shake.
I will need to take it one day at a time and I will need to trust and to listen to what the man sitting in front of me is honestly saying. I need to believe that he is being honest and that he is stable. I think that this is the only fair thing for the other person and for me isn't it? I'm just now realizing by writing this entry to my blog that THIS is the chance, the leap of faith and the risk so often talked about. To trust someone, a stranger, but more importantly to trust my own judgement and my own ability to figure this out without over analysis. I seriously think I can mitigate this.
Yes, I would meet Mr insightful if he was available. I would and I'm sure I would! I would however take it slow and I would proceed with much (much) caution.... As anyone should I think....
Hmmm, look at me. I feel better. The analysis was cut short, much to my surprise.
I've said it before and I say it again, this writing stuff is proving to be very good for me.
I have not over-analyzed as much as I thought I would. That is a great step forward I think....
Signed a pleasantly surprised to have had an UNDER-analyzed night,
SSW :)
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Saturday, 5 January 2013
The ET files
When it comes to life, I like sorting things in somewhat of an order...especially in my mind (my house not so much but that's another story). I categorize my 'official' work stuff in one area of my brain, that area is linked to my 'official' voice, 'official' clothes, 'official' comments, 'official' signatures....well you get the picture.
I then categorize my feelings. I have my 'mom' heart for my son and I have my 'woman' heart. I have to admit that 'mom' heart is a lot more organized than the other one!
I have a special corner in my heart and my brain for my family members, never really filed away, always on the forefront, something like the socks on the floor in my son's room....always there! ;)
Then I have the part of my brain and heart that takes care of my friends, my pals, my buddies. I tuck them away, never too far though, with always a little corner sticking out of my filing cabinet (much like my sweaters in my dressers).
I also have files for my numbers. I'm blessed (sometimes cursed) with a permanent memory when it comes to numbers. I write a number, say it or use it once or twice and BAM, I remember it. It's a real pain when I want to forget someone's phone number (another blog will come along with this comment).
I also have my most complicated file on record in my brain. I call it the ET file. This is the Experience-Trust file. In life, after an experience or an event, I always say : 'I will file it under E for experience'. Unfortunately, after years of saying this, I am now a middle-aged woman with an extremely thick E file. In fact, it is so thick that sometimes, I have to sit on it, jump on it, squeeeeeeze it down because it is interfering and taking up too much room with my T file.
Now don't get me wrong. I do not ignore my E file. I would never do that. The E file and the warning bells go hand and hand and there is no way that I'm ignoring THAT! However, something is nagging at me. I may need to rearrange things around up there (in my brain in case I lost you) because the E file is set too close to the Trust file. I need to put one in the corner and the other one in the other corner. Thing is, they always find each other and always connect and compare. It is a SERIOUS pain in the brain....
I have got to start allowing my T file to expand a little bit. I know that my E file has created havoc and I know that although I can't get rid of the E file, that I cannot let it override the T file. Do you get that?
I get it, I understand it, I can explain it, I live it. But how do I allow the T file to expand?
I know the answer to that. I really do. I just don't want to admit it. I know that sometimes I've probably had a fake warning bell or a ghost bell ringing. I suspect my gut wasn't telling me anything (except to stop eating so much cabbage), but my E file (E can also stand for EVIL) stepped in, opened itself up just a little bit and allowed some of its' contents to spill into my T file. There is some cross-contamination going on in there (again, if you're confused, I'm talking about my brain).
As I am writing this, I have decided that I now need a new file. I will call it the M file. The M file will stand for mitigation. I need to use the logical part of my brain, the one part that is somewhat-maybe-perhaps-not really-but probably is-linked to the other files.
As you can tell, my logic is somewhat skewed with it comes to my ET files. Maybe my M file will help me. Perhaps I need to open my two ET files together and let them go at it like mad! Cross contaminate each other for awhile and then, just then will I allow my logic and my M file to step in and decontaminate.
Really an truly, there is no big secret to the ET files. I've talked with some men that are super nice but I haven't trusted them because of my past experiences. I know that this is happening. I also know exactly the type of mitigation that needs to happen. I need to start balancing the E file and the T file. I need to take a chance with my heart whether I want to or not. I CAN do this....right? Perhaps, if I'm lucky, taking a chance with my heart will end up filed in my T file.....I don't want to think again of the other filing option....
Mitigating the Experience and the Trust (MET). Look at that!! Perhaps that is a good sign!? Perhaps I will have MET my new partner one day because of these three files....?
I don't know about you but sometimes I think it's a miracle that all I hear up there (yes in my brain) are warning bells......
Despite all of these files, I remain, yours truly in a relatively calm state up there (yes, there),
SSW :)
I then categorize my feelings. I have my 'mom' heart for my son and I have my 'woman' heart. I have to admit that 'mom' heart is a lot more organized than the other one!
I have a special corner in my heart and my brain for my family members, never really filed away, always on the forefront, something like the socks on the floor in my son's room....always there! ;)
Then I have the part of my brain and heart that takes care of my friends, my pals, my buddies. I tuck them away, never too far though, with always a little corner sticking out of my filing cabinet (much like my sweaters in my dressers).
I also have files for my numbers. I'm blessed (sometimes cursed) with a permanent memory when it comes to numbers. I write a number, say it or use it once or twice and BAM, I remember it. It's a real pain when I want to forget someone's phone number (another blog will come along with this comment).
I also have my most complicated file on record in my brain. I call it the ET file. This is the Experience-Trust file. In life, after an experience or an event, I always say : 'I will file it under E for experience'. Unfortunately, after years of saying this, I am now a middle-aged woman with an extremely thick E file. In fact, it is so thick that sometimes, I have to sit on it, jump on it, squeeeeeeze it down because it is interfering and taking up too much room with my T file.
Now don't get me wrong. I do not ignore my E file. I would never do that. The E file and the warning bells go hand and hand and there is no way that I'm ignoring THAT! However, something is nagging at me. I may need to rearrange things around up there (in my brain in case I lost you) because the E file is set too close to the Trust file. I need to put one in the corner and the other one in the other corner. Thing is, they always find each other and always connect and compare. It is a SERIOUS pain in the brain....
I have got to start allowing my T file to expand a little bit. I know that my E file has created havoc and I know that although I can't get rid of the E file, that I cannot let it override the T file. Do you get that?
I get it, I understand it, I can explain it, I live it. But how do I allow the T file to expand?
I know the answer to that. I really do. I just don't want to admit it. I know that sometimes I've probably had a fake warning bell or a ghost bell ringing. I suspect my gut wasn't telling me anything (except to stop eating so much cabbage), but my E file (E can also stand for EVIL) stepped in, opened itself up just a little bit and allowed some of its' contents to spill into my T file. There is some cross-contamination going on in there (again, if you're confused, I'm talking about my brain).
As I am writing this, I have decided that I now need a new file. I will call it the M file. The M file will stand for mitigation. I need to use the logical part of my brain, the one part that is somewhat-maybe-perhaps-not really-but probably is-linked to the other files.
As you can tell, my logic is somewhat skewed with it comes to my ET files. Maybe my M file will help me. Perhaps I need to open my two ET files together and let them go at it like mad! Cross contaminate each other for awhile and then, just then will I allow my logic and my M file to step in and decontaminate.
Really an truly, there is no big secret to the ET files. I've talked with some men that are super nice but I haven't trusted them because of my past experiences. I know that this is happening. I also know exactly the type of mitigation that needs to happen. I need to start balancing the E file and the T file. I need to take a chance with my heart whether I want to or not. I CAN do this....right? Perhaps, if I'm lucky, taking a chance with my heart will end up filed in my T file.....I don't want to think again of the other filing option....
Mitigating the Experience and the Trust (MET). Look at that!! Perhaps that is a good sign!? Perhaps I will have MET my new partner one day because of these three files....?
I don't know about you but sometimes I think it's a miracle that all I hear up there (yes in my brain) are warning bells......
Despite all of these files, I remain, yours truly in a relatively calm state up there (yes, there),
SSW :)
Friday, 4 January 2013
"Ding Dong" the bells are ringing......
In my latest post, I refered to the warning bells going off all around me. I've come to appreciate those bells over the years. Sometimes I've hated them though, but that is for another blog....
Seing that I work in the 'people' field and seing that my educational background is in the 'people' field, I have therefore developed through experience a very strong gut instinct. That instinct or that warning bell as I call it has gotten me out of trouble at times. I've learnt to listen to my instinct, to believe my instinct and to trust it completely.
Now take this information I just gave you about me and my instinct and let's link it to dating. *SIGH*. Did you hear that sigh? It was a loud one eh?
There are an incredible amount of men out there that are looking for sex and for sex only. Some are clearly obvious but others are way smoother about it. Take my outing tonight for example. Let's call him Mr handsome. Now Mr handsome is, well, handsome. Yes, he is 10 years my senior (I knew you were wondering). He is respectful, kind, smart, funny, a gentleman and he has George Clooney eyes that I can't really look at without blushing. Tonight was our second outing. We went for a walk in the mall because it's too cold outside.
My warning bells had gone off the first time I met him. He went on too much about how attracted he was to me. Nothing wrong with that, however, there is a time and place for that and a first meeting is not THAT time (think of the pee scenario in my last blog). Anyways, after the meeting, when I got back home, I told him I didn't think that we were looking for the same thing. To my dismay, he apologized, told me that he was used to having women fall for him and that he had made a serious error with me. I said fine and I thought it was over.....but he continued to pursue me.
Now my warning bells were a little bit confused. This smooth (oh yes, he is smooth) Mr handsome back pedalled quite a bit. It was my turn to figure out IF he was being honest or IF he was playing the chasing game. My warning bells were clanging all over the place, it was a real cacophony of sounds but something else was nagging at me. My gut was telling me that he had realized that I was not looking for a sex only thing. That is good right? Wrong? The bells continued to ring.
So the ringing of the bells are due to something. Is it paranoia? Am I having trust issues (I've often questioned this)? Is he playing a chasing game that he thinks he will win? Or is it something else? Hmmmm. I know enough that if the bells are singing that something is up. Not sure what, but something is up. At this point, there is no way that I can back out without knowing why the bells are ringing. So I decided to give it a second try.
So let's go back to earlier tonight when I met with him for my mall walk. Bells were relatively quiet but still present. He was respectful, talked about this and that, was kind and interested in what I had to say. Then it hit me. The bells suddenly quieten..... This man is depressed. He is clearly depressed. I swear, I did not over analyze anything (HA). It just hit me like a brick wall.
When I got home, I was bound and determined to tell him that I didn't think he was ready for a relationship of any kind. I wrote to him and told him just that. He asked me why of course and then I offered to give him my opinion.
He asked me to call him. On the phone I said 'Mr handsome, it is of my opinion and my opinion only that you have many many symptoms of depression'. Much to my surprise he agreed with me and told me he had been battling with it for about 4 months now. He then decided to blurt out his life story to me *sigh*. I will spare you the details.
Anyways, long story short, I strongly suggested a talk with his family doctor. I think I may have convinced him. To his credit, he was actually man enough to apologize once again for the comments on attraction on our first meeting. He actually had enough insight to tell me that perhaps he was going at it the wrong way in curing his own feeling of sadness and loneliness.
There are no warning bells going off as I state to you that this is a nice man. He is however not at a good place right now to even consider a relationship.... the only relationship he needs to work on at the moment is with himself.
I won't be seeing him again. I may talk to him a bit because he is nice, but I know deep down that he is not THE one.
Warning bells win again! The orchestra is silenced. I'm so happy that I trust my instincts and that I trust my bells..... I am no ding dong!
Signed, from a 'warning bell' free world (for the moment).
SSW :)
Seing that I work in the 'people' field and seing that my educational background is in the 'people' field, I have therefore developed through experience a very strong gut instinct. That instinct or that warning bell as I call it has gotten me out of trouble at times. I've learnt to listen to my instinct, to believe my instinct and to trust it completely.
Now take this information I just gave you about me and my instinct and let's link it to dating. *SIGH*. Did you hear that sigh? It was a loud one eh?
There are an incredible amount of men out there that are looking for sex and for sex only. Some are clearly obvious but others are way smoother about it. Take my outing tonight for example. Let's call him Mr handsome. Now Mr handsome is, well, handsome. Yes, he is 10 years my senior (I knew you were wondering). He is respectful, kind, smart, funny, a gentleman and he has George Clooney eyes that I can't really look at without blushing. Tonight was our second outing. We went for a walk in the mall because it's too cold outside.
My warning bells had gone off the first time I met him. He went on too much about how attracted he was to me. Nothing wrong with that, however, there is a time and place for that and a first meeting is not THAT time (think of the pee scenario in my last blog). Anyways, after the meeting, when I got back home, I told him I didn't think that we were looking for the same thing. To my dismay, he apologized, told me that he was used to having women fall for him and that he had made a serious error with me. I said fine and I thought it was over.....but he continued to pursue me.
Now my warning bells were a little bit confused. This smooth (oh yes, he is smooth) Mr handsome back pedalled quite a bit. It was my turn to figure out IF he was being honest or IF he was playing the chasing game. My warning bells were clanging all over the place, it was a real cacophony of sounds but something else was nagging at me. My gut was telling me that he had realized that I was not looking for a sex only thing. That is good right? Wrong? The bells continued to ring.
So the ringing of the bells are due to something. Is it paranoia? Am I having trust issues (I've often questioned this)? Is he playing a chasing game that he thinks he will win? Or is it something else? Hmmmm. I know enough that if the bells are singing that something is up. Not sure what, but something is up. At this point, there is no way that I can back out without knowing why the bells are ringing. So I decided to give it a second try.
So let's go back to earlier tonight when I met with him for my mall walk. Bells were relatively quiet but still present. He was respectful, talked about this and that, was kind and interested in what I had to say. Then it hit me. The bells suddenly quieten..... This man is depressed. He is clearly depressed. I swear, I did not over analyze anything (HA). It just hit me like a brick wall.
When I got home, I was bound and determined to tell him that I didn't think he was ready for a relationship of any kind. I wrote to him and told him just that. He asked me why of course and then I offered to give him my opinion.
He asked me to call him. On the phone I said 'Mr handsome, it is of my opinion and my opinion only that you have many many symptoms of depression'. Much to my surprise he agreed with me and told me he had been battling with it for about 4 months now. He then decided to blurt out his life story to me *sigh*. I will spare you the details.
Anyways, long story short, I strongly suggested a talk with his family doctor. I think I may have convinced him. To his credit, he was actually man enough to apologize once again for the comments on attraction on our first meeting. He actually had enough insight to tell me that perhaps he was going at it the wrong way in curing his own feeling of sadness and loneliness.
There are no warning bells going off as I state to you that this is a nice man. He is however not at a good place right now to even consider a relationship.... the only relationship he needs to work on at the moment is with himself.
I won't be seeing him again. I may talk to him a bit because he is nice, but I know deep down that he is not THE one.
Warning bells win again! The orchestra is silenced. I'm so happy that I trust my instincts and that I trust my bells..... I am no ding dong!
Signed, from a 'warning bell' free world (for the moment).
SSW :)
Thursday, 3 January 2013
To pee or not to pee?
10 years ago, when I first seperated with my husband, I dated on and off. I was at that time also on a dating site. I was pretty careful and it was scarier for me at that time because not only was I younger, I was also less secure with myself. My son was obviously 10 years younger and I knew that I did not necessarily want anything serious but I also wanted to go out for dinner, a movie or a walk once in awhile.
Little did I know back then that 10 years of singlehood has probably been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why? Because I have been forced to discover that my own company is really not that bad. I have learnt that I can paint (ok, paint by number but c'mon, it's still pretty good), that I can crochet (thanks mom for showing me), that I can cook, that I can educate myself through a variety of books, that I can develop all kinds of skills and interests without having a man in my life. That I can be me and that I don't need anyone else to complete me. It's been quite the eye opener.
That being said though, while all of this learning process was happening, I was going out on the odd date once in awhile. Nothing serious ever developed but boy did I meet some characters!!!
There was this firefighter (major fantasy material) with whom I talked online for awhile. We progressed to the phone. On the phone, he told me that he did not drink at all. I was fine with that but it did ring a bell (oh that darn bell how often it rings, it rang 10 years ago and it's still ringing now...I will tell you about the warning bells sometime)....anyways, I digress. Fast forward to a few days later. I meet this fantasy firefighter at our local park, in the middle of the day for a walk. As soon as I saw him I knew. I said 'you told me you don't drink, what do you take instead'. He did not miss a beat and said that he smoked weed. Not wanting to sound like a prude, I said 'ok, that is your choice, but when do you smoke it, you have two teens at home'. To which he replied, 'I smoke with them'. This was probably the shortest date on record. I looked at my watch, said 'look at the time, I've got groceries to do' and left.
I met another man at a local restaurant. He had forgotten to tell me that he was in a wheelchair!! My face dropped when I saw him. Now again, I am pretty open minded but if you refer to my earlier post, I did have a handicapped father who was in a wheelchair. I do not necessarily want that in a mate. Well this guy here had the nerve to tell me that 'everything' works except for his legs and that he was discriminated by me for wanting to leave immediately. I simply replied 'I make my own choices in life and you have no idea what life experiences I have had. Do not make that type of decision for anyone'. I think that was a darn good reply.
Exit restaurant.
Another guy forgot to tell me he had tourette's syndrome. Simply stated, tourette is a condition whereas the sufferer will blurt out anything that comes to mind. There are no filters. So after sitting through an extremely uncomfortable 15 minutes staring at a guy screaming words out of nowhere at me, I thanked him for the soda and yes, I exited the restaurant.
Another guy had a bandaid around his ring finger. I asked him to remove it so that I could see the 'booboo' he had there (his words not mine). It was an indentation of where his wedding ring went. Exit restaurant.
Another guy, just while talking on the phone with him suddenly blurted out to me that he wanted to pee on me. I thought I hadn't heard properly so I sputtered 'wh...wha....what'???? Yes ladies and gentlemen, he repeated it. He wanted to pee on me. What can a girl reply to that? Thank goodness I hadn't met him in person yet. I had visions of him lifting his leg like a dog and peeing on me in the parking lot of a restaurant. I simply said 'piss off then' and I hung up the phone. For the record, that too was a pretty good reply on my part!
I pride myself on being open-minded. Whatever two consenting adults want to do, whatever they both agree on is up to them. Up until that time though I had always thought (naively so) that whatever those adults decided to do together, they had discussed it, they knew their likes and dislikes, they knew the basic things like their last name! But apparently not! It seems that in some people's world it is perfectly acceptable for a man to tell you he wants to pee on you a few minutes into a conversation. Boy he pissed me off (sorry couldn't resist).
I have learnt to be better at deciphering what men want. I've recently learnt that what they say they want and what they really want are sometimes two different things. This is very important and I will talk about this again in another blog.
My 'dating' innocence was lost some 10 years ago. I tried the dating thing on and off for awhile but nothing serious came of it. I did meet a few nice guys though (they don't all want to pee on you from the get go) and I am still friends with one or two of them after 10 years.
I stopped dating all together when my ex husband (and good friend) passed away. I could not and more importantly did not want to bring in anyone new into my life. My son needed me to be a mom and a dad to him. So for the last 3.5 years, that is what I have been doing. I've done the baseball thing, the football thing, the fishing thing (you should see me bait a hook and take that fish off the hook). I've done and am still doing THE talks with him (although I think I may be traumatizing him). We've learnt to make a Windsor knot on his ties, to measure the neck for the shirt sizes, to figure out jock straps and now very soon I will be doing the driving thing with him. I have not regretted one second of it. I would not change one thing and still continue to try and be there for him anyway I can. I could never replace his dad, but I'm doing what I can with what I have.....
The funny thing is, my son is the reason I started over this whole crazy ride called the dating game. A few summers ago, I was speaking with a dad from his team. We were at the baseball field. My very tall and very broad shouldered boy came up behind me, put his arms around my neck in a hugging fashion and glared at the man. Another time this passed June, I noticed that he had refused to go out with friends because he knew I was going to be alone on a Saturday night. This is when I knew the time had come for me to do something about this. He was starting to be over protective of me. My son needed to see me socialize and frankly, I needed to see me socialize also. I was feeling great comfort in staying home and doing 'my thing'.
So stepping out of my comfort zone is what I'm doing. For me and for my boy! He knows I'm on a dating site (although I'm not sharing all the details with him), he is fine with it. When I'm going out, he will give his opinion on what matches with an outfit or not. When I ask him too often he rolls his eyes at me but all and all, he is great. He is also going to the movies with his friends and to my great pleasure he has told my good friend that 'I would rather see mom go out on a date on a Saturday night than to stay home on the couch to crochet'.
Although the title of my blog today 'to pee or not to pee' does not reflect the doom and gloom that Hamlet felt in his soliloquy, it does reflect (with the obvious humour) the wanting to 'be' the best that I can be for my son and for me. There were bumps in the road and there still are challenging turns in that road but I'm driving it the best that I can with what I have and with what I know.... Finding a partner would change everything for my son and I forever....
To be single or not to be single, that is the question...
SSW :)
Little did I know back then that 10 years of singlehood has probably been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why? Because I have been forced to discover that my own company is really not that bad. I have learnt that I can paint (ok, paint by number but c'mon, it's still pretty good), that I can crochet (thanks mom for showing me), that I can cook, that I can educate myself through a variety of books, that I can develop all kinds of skills and interests without having a man in my life. That I can be me and that I don't need anyone else to complete me. It's been quite the eye opener.
That being said though, while all of this learning process was happening, I was going out on the odd date once in awhile. Nothing serious ever developed but boy did I meet some characters!!!
There was this firefighter (major fantasy material) with whom I talked online for awhile. We progressed to the phone. On the phone, he told me that he did not drink at all. I was fine with that but it did ring a bell (oh that darn bell how often it rings, it rang 10 years ago and it's still ringing now...I will tell you about the warning bells sometime)....anyways, I digress. Fast forward to a few days later. I meet this fantasy firefighter at our local park, in the middle of the day for a walk. As soon as I saw him I knew. I said 'you told me you don't drink, what do you take instead'. He did not miss a beat and said that he smoked weed. Not wanting to sound like a prude, I said 'ok, that is your choice, but when do you smoke it, you have two teens at home'. To which he replied, 'I smoke with them'. This was probably the shortest date on record. I looked at my watch, said 'look at the time, I've got groceries to do' and left.
I met another man at a local restaurant. He had forgotten to tell me that he was in a wheelchair!! My face dropped when I saw him. Now again, I am pretty open minded but if you refer to my earlier post, I did have a handicapped father who was in a wheelchair. I do not necessarily want that in a mate. Well this guy here had the nerve to tell me that 'everything' works except for his legs and that he was discriminated by me for wanting to leave immediately. I simply replied 'I make my own choices in life and you have no idea what life experiences I have had. Do not make that type of decision for anyone'. I think that was a darn good reply.
Exit restaurant.
Another guy forgot to tell me he had tourette's syndrome. Simply stated, tourette is a condition whereas the sufferer will blurt out anything that comes to mind. There are no filters. So after sitting through an extremely uncomfortable 15 minutes staring at a guy screaming words out of nowhere at me, I thanked him for the soda and yes, I exited the restaurant.
Another guy had a bandaid around his ring finger. I asked him to remove it so that I could see the 'booboo' he had there (his words not mine). It was an indentation of where his wedding ring went. Exit restaurant.
Another guy, just while talking on the phone with him suddenly blurted out to me that he wanted to pee on me. I thought I hadn't heard properly so I sputtered 'wh...wha....what'???? Yes ladies and gentlemen, he repeated it. He wanted to pee on me. What can a girl reply to that? Thank goodness I hadn't met him in person yet. I had visions of him lifting his leg like a dog and peeing on me in the parking lot of a restaurant. I simply said 'piss off then' and I hung up the phone. For the record, that too was a pretty good reply on my part!
I pride myself on being open-minded. Whatever two consenting adults want to do, whatever they both agree on is up to them. Up until that time though I had always thought (naively so) that whatever those adults decided to do together, they had discussed it, they knew their likes and dislikes, they knew the basic things like their last name! But apparently not! It seems that in some people's world it is perfectly acceptable for a man to tell you he wants to pee on you a few minutes into a conversation. Boy he pissed me off (sorry couldn't resist).
I have learnt to be better at deciphering what men want. I've recently learnt that what they say they want and what they really want are sometimes two different things. This is very important and I will talk about this again in another blog.
My 'dating' innocence was lost some 10 years ago. I tried the dating thing on and off for awhile but nothing serious came of it. I did meet a few nice guys though (they don't all want to pee on you from the get go) and I am still friends with one or two of them after 10 years.
I stopped dating all together when my ex husband (and good friend) passed away. I could not and more importantly did not want to bring in anyone new into my life. My son needed me to be a mom and a dad to him. So for the last 3.5 years, that is what I have been doing. I've done the baseball thing, the football thing, the fishing thing (you should see me bait a hook and take that fish off the hook). I've done and am still doing THE talks with him (although I think I may be traumatizing him). We've learnt to make a Windsor knot on his ties, to measure the neck for the shirt sizes, to figure out jock straps and now very soon I will be doing the driving thing with him. I have not regretted one second of it. I would not change one thing and still continue to try and be there for him anyway I can. I could never replace his dad, but I'm doing what I can with what I have.....
The funny thing is, my son is the reason I started over this whole crazy ride called the dating game. A few summers ago, I was speaking with a dad from his team. We were at the baseball field. My very tall and very broad shouldered boy came up behind me, put his arms around my neck in a hugging fashion and glared at the man. Another time this passed June, I noticed that he had refused to go out with friends because he knew I was going to be alone on a Saturday night. This is when I knew the time had come for me to do something about this. He was starting to be over protective of me. My son needed to see me socialize and frankly, I needed to see me socialize also. I was feeling great comfort in staying home and doing 'my thing'.
So stepping out of my comfort zone is what I'm doing. For me and for my boy! He knows I'm on a dating site (although I'm not sharing all the details with him), he is fine with it. When I'm going out, he will give his opinion on what matches with an outfit or not. When I ask him too often he rolls his eyes at me but all and all, he is great. He is also going to the movies with his friends and to my great pleasure he has told my good friend that 'I would rather see mom go out on a date on a Saturday night than to stay home on the couch to crochet'.
Although the title of my blog today 'to pee or not to pee' does not reflect the doom and gloom that Hamlet felt in his soliloquy, it does reflect (with the obvious humour) the wanting to 'be' the best that I can be for my son and for me. There were bumps in the road and there still are challenging turns in that road but I'm driving it the best that I can with what I have and with what I know.... Finding a partner would change everything for my son and I forever....
To be single or not to be single, that is the question...
SSW :)
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
22, 36, 48, 55, 60!!
What is happening to me? I never ever thought the day would come where, at the age of 45 that I would have some 22, 36, 48, 55 and 60 year old men hitting on my dating profile! Yes ladies and gentlemen, life is good...hehe.
Seriously though, I've obviously had to adjust the settings on my profile in order to allow the 'right' or 'appropriately' aged group to contact me. Such an interesting concept if you stop and think about it. Most of the older people will tell you that the age difference doesn't matter. Some of the younger men will in fact prefer for the women to be older (that is another story though). But in fact, having 'been there and done that', the truth of the matter is that age does NOT matter.....at first.
As the older partner gets older though, he will reach that 'older' age much quicker than the younger partner. He will also start feeling the aches and pains and the sometimes health difficulties associated with age creeping up on him. The younger partner however will not be there yet. I've had that experience with my older husband. Yes yes yes, my mother did warn me that this would happen, but what did she know I said to myself! HA!
Thank goodness I had a mother wise enough and kind enough to never tell me 'I told you so'. To be absolutely clear here, the reason for my seperation from my said husband had nothing to do with age. Yes, the age difference and health difficulties were definitely felt by him and by me, but I learnt to deal with it. Love was present in our marriage and age was not an issue. Money on the other hand was another story....
As I go through profiles, chat with some men, weed out the obvious and not so obvious 'sex only seeking' men I cannot help but always consider the age. I find that if I stay within my chosen age group of 37-52 that I often naturally wander to an older man. I've always been attracted to the older men. Perhaps it's due to their level of maturity. Perhaps, me being raised by a sick father has matured me to the point where people younger than me or even my own age seem too young? Perhaps a session on the couch with my friend Freud is in fact in order?
I seriously doubt that there is a need for deep analysis here (this from yours truly who thrives on deep analysis). Whatever the cause of me being attracted to older men is of no consequence. Some women are attracted to men with piercings and hair down to their butts. If that is their 'thing', go for it I say.... I seriously doubt that they are questioning their motives for liking these attributes. So why should I be in deep analysis or therapy for being attracted to a man that is older? Hmmmm, let's think about that?
Life is short. Way too short. Shorter as you get older too. Do I actually stop and limit my choices because of a ten year difference as opposed to an eight year difference? Where do I draw that line? I honestly do not know.... the weird thing is, it just hit me right now that I'm truly baffled by this question.
I just finished talking on the phone to my bff (best friend forever for you non computer geeks) about me giving the boot from the dating site to a man 10 years my senior. A man I found appealing, intelligent and kind. Did I do the wrong thing?
This writing stuff is proving to be quite insightful for me. I'm coming up with even more questions when in fact the purpose of this blog was to come up with more answers!
Perhaps now is the time to pull out my old adage 'that if it is meant to be it will happen'. Yeah, that's the one that always makes me feel better. Let's go with that one for now.....hmmm....
signed: a once again deep in thought and full of questions SSW..... :)
Seriously though, I've obviously had to adjust the settings on my profile in order to allow the 'right' or 'appropriately' aged group to contact me. Such an interesting concept if you stop and think about it. Most of the older people will tell you that the age difference doesn't matter. Some of the younger men will in fact prefer for the women to be older (that is another story though). But in fact, having 'been there and done that', the truth of the matter is that age does NOT matter.....at first.
As the older partner gets older though, he will reach that 'older' age much quicker than the younger partner. He will also start feeling the aches and pains and the sometimes health difficulties associated with age creeping up on him. The younger partner however will not be there yet. I've had that experience with my older husband. Yes yes yes, my mother did warn me that this would happen, but what did she know I said to myself! HA!
Thank goodness I had a mother wise enough and kind enough to never tell me 'I told you so'. To be absolutely clear here, the reason for my seperation from my said husband had nothing to do with age. Yes, the age difference and health difficulties were definitely felt by him and by me, but I learnt to deal with it. Love was present in our marriage and age was not an issue. Money on the other hand was another story....
As I go through profiles, chat with some men, weed out the obvious and not so obvious 'sex only seeking' men I cannot help but always consider the age. I find that if I stay within my chosen age group of 37-52 that I often naturally wander to an older man. I've always been attracted to the older men. Perhaps it's due to their level of maturity. Perhaps, me being raised by a sick father has matured me to the point where people younger than me or even my own age seem too young? Perhaps a session on the couch with my friend Freud is in fact in order?
I seriously doubt that there is a need for deep analysis here (this from yours truly who thrives on deep analysis). Whatever the cause of me being attracted to older men is of no consequence. Some women are attracted to men with piercings and hair down to their butts. If that is their 'thing', go for it I say.... I seriously doubt that they are questioning their motives for liking these attributes. So why should I be in deep analysis or therapy for being attracted to a man that is older? Hmmmm, let's think about that?
Life is short. Way too short. Shorter as you get older too. Do I actually stop and limit my choices because of a ten year difference as opposed to an eight year difference? Where do I draw that line? I honestly do not know.... the weird thing is, it just hit me right now that I'm truly baffled by this question.
I just finished talking on the phone to my bff (best friend forever for you non computer geeks) about me giving the boot from the dating site to a man 10 years my senior. A man I found appealing, intelligent and kind. Did I do the wrong thing?
This writing stuff is proving to be quite insightful for me. I'm coming up with even more questions when in fact the purpose of this blog was to come up with more answers!
Perhaps now is the time to pull out my old adage 'that if it is meant to be it will happen'. Yeah, that's the one that always makes me feel better. Let's go with that one for now.....hmmm....
signed: a once again deep in thought and full of questions SSW..... :)
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
while waiting for the turkey to cook.....
.....thought I'd come back here for a bit. My son and I are the only ones that will be enjoying the bird tonight. Friends have had to cancel due to company arriving.
After exercising this afternoon and checking in on 'my' dating site it dawned on me how quiet new year's day is nowadays. I remember as a little girl this day being bigger, busier and definitely more crowded that it is today. Of course, coming from a huge family of 9 children and with all the aunts, uncles and cousins (along with their dogs it seems) dropping in, things were busier.
We never visited on this day when I was a kid. Why you may ask? My father (remember the freudian link I promised....) had multiple sclerosis and could not move. At least, from what I remember of him he could not move. My siblings have other memories of him I am sure but since I am the youngest of the family, by the time I came along, the disease had progressed to the point of paralysis for him. So extended family came to us to wish us all the best in the new year. My mother was exhausted and tired, from all the guests but she had a smile on her face and everyone were welcomed into our home.
Is there a link to my father's illness and my dating life? Hmmm, well he was an older man (ha ha) and for someone who could not move, boy did he have a physical presence. He was smart, hard working (with his mind) and a good father. He passed away well over 25 years ago so my memory is that of a young woman. I do firmly believe that he did the best that he could with what he had and what he knew at the time. After thinking about it for a long long time, I've concluded that, even if a woman technically looks for a 'father figure' in her future mate, that I do not think that my relationship with him has negatively influenced me. I did marry someone over 20 years my senior but I know that this has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my dad.
What I have developed is the ability or the compassion if you wish to deal with the handicaped, whether they be physically or mentally or emotionally sick..... If I had to have a dad that was physically handicapped, at least something good came out of it in my case. I definitely think that his condition has influcenced my career choices. Whether I knew it twenty some years ago or not when i first started working in the 'people' field is of no importance. I realize it now.
The only link from him I can find that would explain what I am looking for in a man would be the intelligence, the hard working part and the respect he had for others. I don't think it necessarily takes a father figure for a woman to be looking for this in a mate does it?
I regret not knowing my dad from an adult point of view. I would have loved to have discussed with him many things including his views on dating.
I continue to re-visit the possible link between my father's life, my parent's relationship and my views on dating. We cannot forget that it is two different worlds from many many years ago when they were together and now.
I've been accused of over-analyzing at times (imagine that). I believe that the discovery of the self comes from personal analysis. I am much better and not as 'deep' about it as I used to be. Too much self-analysis is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
Over the years, through experience, through maturity and through living life, I'm slowly but surely discovering that sometimes you just have to let things happen without too much analysis.
Now to apply this wisdom to the dating world..... it's scary, believe me....
Yours in deep thought,
SSW :)
After exercising this afternoon and checking in on 'my' dating site it dawned on me how quiet new year's day is nowadays. I remember as a little girl this day being bigger, busier and definitely more crowded that it is today. Of course, coming from a huge family of 9 children and with all the aunts, uncles and cousins (along with their dogs it seems) dropping in, things were busier.
We never visited on this day when I was a kid. Why you may ask? My father (remember the freudian link I promised....) had multiple sclerosis and could not move. At least, from what I remember of him he could not move. My siblings have other memories of him I am sure but since I am the youngest of the family, by the time I came along, the disease had progressed to the point of paralysis for him. So extended family came to us to wish us all the best in the new year. My mother was exhausted and tired, from all the guests but she had a smile on her face and everyone were welcomed into our home.
Is there a link to my father's illness and my dating life? Hmmm, well he was an older man (ha ha) and for someone who could not move, boy did he have a physical presence. He was smart, hard working (with his mind) and a good father. He passed away well over 25 years ago so my memory is that of a young woman. I do firmly believe that he did the best that he could with what he had and what he knew at the time. After thinking about it for a long long time, I've concluded that, even if a woman technically looks for a 'father figure' in her future mate, that I do not think that my relationship with him has negatively influenced me. I did marry someone over 20 years my senior but I know that this has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my dad.
What I have developed is the ability or the compassion if you wish to deal with the handicaped, whether they be physically or mentally or emotionally sick..... If I had to have a dad that was physically handicapped, at least something good came out of it in my case. I definitely think that his condition has influcenced my career choices. Whether I knew it twenty some years ago or not when i first started working in the 'people' field is of no importance. I realize it now.
The only link from him I can find that would explain what I am looking for in a man would be the intelligence, the hard working part and the respect he had for others. I don't think it necessarily takes a father figure for a woman to be looking for this in a mate does it?
I regret not knowing my dad from an adult point of view. I would have loved to have discussed with him many things including his views on dating.
I continue to re-visit the possible link between my father's life, my parent's relationship and my views on dating. We cannot forget that it is two different worlds from many many years ago when they were together and now.
I've been accused of over-analyzing at times (imagine that). I believe that the discovery of the self comes from personal analysis. I am much better and not as 'deep' about it as I used to be. Too much self-analysis is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
Over the years, through experience, through maturity and through living life, I'm slowly but surely discovering that sometimes you just have to let things happen without too much analysis.
Now to apply this wisdom to the dating world..... it's scary, believe me....
Yours in deep thought,
SSW :)
A new and happy beginning!
January 1rst, 2013. What a reflective few days for this seperated-widowed-single gal. You know, on every day of the year, I can conquer the world, I can conquer it alone and single. However, New Year's eve comes around and I sort of lose that force, that independence and in some ways, that security. What is it about this time of year that makes me (us?) feel this way....
Last night, having to face yet another eve of a new year alone, I decided to be proactive. I visited a wonderful friend for a few hours and then I decided to go and get lost in the crowd at our local casino. I rarely go there. I don't advocate gambling and I certainly do not encourage every single people to start gambling but the place served its purpose for me last night. Not only was I able to zone out and ignore the count down to yet another year, but I did come out a winner by a few hundred dollars.
I've been on a dating site on and off since the end of last summer. I am giving myself a few more days to decide if I will pursue this avenue or not. As you are probably guessing, I am not finding a great deal of success with it. Thankfully, I am secure enough and wise enough to know that I much prefer to be 'single' to ring in the new year than to spend it on a bad date. There is nothing, and I do mean nothing worse than being alone in a couple. Been there, done that, it won't happen again I promise..... I will give you details soon as to why this dating thing is not working for me. Sharing your inner thoughts is not an easy thing to do...... but well worth it in the end I believe....
As I sit here writing this while sipping my coffee, I can't help but wonder what 2013 will bring for me. I have already decided that it will be my best year yet. No, not because I think I will find a man (I don't need one to be happy) but because happiness is a choice and not a goal to try and attain....think about that for awhile.... it makes lots of sense. Happiness will be around me in 2013!
Today, I will concentrate on new beginnings. I will get some exercise in (I can't wait to tell you about that journey), I will pay attention to the turkey that is waiting to be cooked and I will enjoy some time with my wonderful teenage son. I will also count my blessings..... there are many of them.
I wish you all a wonderful and healthy New Year. Choose happiness!
SSW :)
Last night, having to face yet another eve of a new year alone, I decided to be proactive. I visited a wonderful friend for a few hours and then I decided to go and get lost in the crowd at our local casino. I rarely go there. I don't advocate gambling and I certainly do not encourage every single people to start gambling but the place served its purpose for me last night. Not only was I able to zone out and ignore the count down to yet another year, but I did come out a winner by a few hundred dollars.
I've been on a dating site on and off since the end of last summer. I am giving myself a few more days to decide if I will pursue this avenue or not. As you are probably guessing, I am not finding a great deal of success with it. Thankfully, I am secure enough and wise enough to know that I much prefer to be 'single' to ring in the new year than to spend it on a bad date. There is nothing, and I do mean nothing worse than being alone in a couple. Been there, done that, it won't happen again I promise..... I will give you details soon as to why this dating thing is not working for me. Sharing your inner thoughts is not an easy thing to do...... but well worth it in the end I believe....
As I sit here writing this while sipping my coffee, I can't help but wonder what 2013 will bring for me. I have already decided that it will be my best year yet. No, not because I think I will find a man (I don't need one to be happy) but because happiness is a choice and not a goal to try and attain....think about that for awhile.... it makes lots of sense. Happiness will be around me in 2013!
Today, I will concentrate on new beginnings. I will get some exercise in (I can't wait to tell you about that journey), I will pay attention to the turkey that is waiting to be cooked and I will enjoy some time with my wonderful teenage son. I will also count my blessings..... there are many of them.
I wish you all a wonderful and healthy New Year. Choose happiness!
SSW :)
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