Finding the right balance

So as you may or may not have figured out, I'm having the time of my life with Mr Confident.

This incredible man is making me feel!  To be able to feel things, all kind of 'things' is an incredible feeling in itself.....  Weirdly enough I'm feeling 'things' I never thought I would ever feel or didn't believe existed.... *sigh*.

Yup, I'm hooked in.....hook, line and sinker..... 

Oh don't you all worry, I haven't completely lost myself in this.  I'm still aware and I'm still listening, observing and learning.  I have not had an entry titled 'Introducing Mr Right'.....yet......

No bells are ringing though and my files are happily cuddled together and sleeping.  The Mitigation File (M), the Experience File (E) and the Trust file (T) have actually done their job and with that I have MET someone great!

The biggest challenge for me at the moment is finding the right balance.  I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all and frankly a little bit scared.  Don't forget that I have been alone and completely independent for over 10 years.  I know that Mr Confident has admitted to feeling a bit scared also. 

We are working in finding the balance with each other.  It is not easy.  I'm happy to have met him at the beginning of my holidays thus making it that much easier to adjust.  A big period of adjustment will probably occur when I go back to work though.....I think we are up to the challenge.

A funny thought just went through my mind as I wrote the last paragraph.....  I'm not even doubting that this man will still be in my life by the time I get back to work.  Now that in itself is almost miraculous....

No, Mr Confident and I are finding the right balance.  We encourage each other to do our 'thing' and to take care of business.  He is teaching me (in a big way) to relax and to let go but on the other hand, I'm teaching him (I believe) to get things done and on schedule.  He feels very productive with me on his days off and for that I am pleased.

So I'm finding the balance with the time to do my 'things' and more importantly with the time to spend with my son.  I check in almost daily with my son in terms of finding out what he feels about all of this.
As it stands, he really likes Mr Confidence and I don't foresee this really changing in him......  Again, I'm very happy with that.....what my son thinks is very important to me.

The one place where I definitely need to regain control and balance is in the food department.  If you haven't read my January 2013 entry 'U can't touch this!!', please go read it to understand what it is I'm talking about.

Mr Confident has a sweet tooth.  A serious sweet tooth.  Our cooking styles are complete opposites.  I'm the fat conscious healthy cook and he is the 'fat adds taste to everything' cook.  It's a problem.....  It's a problem because in trying to integrate a relationship between Mr Confident and my son (Mr Confident works long hours) he has been having dinners with us.  Thing is, Mr Confident is an excellent cook and he absolutely loves it.  He insists on cooking because he loves it so much and it relaxes him after work.  So combine that with SSW here who doesn't particular like cooking but who likes food......well, I foresee a potential disaster ahead....

What have I done to balance this?  I've diminished portion sizes to begin with.   I've also kept up the gym and the exercise which is a very good thing.....

This week, I'm dealing with the hormonal side of things where sugar and salt are in the forefront.  Guess who is feeding me the sweets and the salt ON TOP of the dinners..... *sigh*.  Yup...  Mr Confident's attitude is 'if you crave it, eat it'.....  He is obviously not a middle aged hormonal woman....lol.

Funny thing is, I've actually lost a couple of pounds last week.  Probably due to the smaller portion size....?

I'm not blaming Mr Confident.  I've learnt over the  years that what crosses my lips is MY responsibility and mine alone....  I definitely need to find the balance in the food department though....

I think I will figure it out.  You see, the thing is, how my relationship with Mr Confident stands, I don't think that there will be anything that we cannot figure out together.  Mr Confident and I are fast becoming best friends and we communicate well.  I will be surprised if there is something that we can't conquer together..... 
 
So there you have it.  Finding the balance.  I thought I had the balance, I really did.  I'm in the process of redefining it though.  I'm more relaxed and less rigid with schedules, I'm learning that even the 'bad' foods can have a small place in my life (small place being the key word) and I'm also learning to allow someone in my life to help me with a variety of everyday things.  I'm learning to trust.  It's really something eh?

I'm trusting enough to allow Mr Confident to treat me like a queen (and boy does he ever) without even thinking of questioning his motives. 

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago.  The attention poured on me, the love and affection put forth in all of the little details just for the sake of pleasing me.....wow....truly mind boggling stuff.   The romance continues, the laughter continues and so does the good conversations.  The caring and the love is developing....

Lots of overwhelming stuff happening in my life.  You can all imagine that I get the 'panic' feeling at times.  Sometimes I supress it and at other times, I share it with Mr Confident who in turn always always always reassures me.

So there you have it.  I'm trying to regain some balance and more importantly I'm trying to find the right one.  We are both on the verge of meeting some family members (I've already met his lovely elderly mother who promptly look at his son after a few minutes of being with me and told him NOT to lose me.....lol, it was great).  Mr Confident and I both laugh at that once in awhile. 

The laughter is a definite plus for us.  We were at a store today and a worker stopped us to tell us that we were a 'cute' couple.  I suspect we radiate happiness and joy..... 

Not a bad thing at all eh?

Signed yours truly in a balancing act....

SSW :))

Letting go.....

Finding a balance in life has always been important to me.  I always thought that things were under control in my life....and according to my definition, they were.....

When I first met Mr Confident (seems like one year ago now for some reason), I was having trouble 'letting go'.  I could not let myself go and start to trust.  I knew I needed time and I have to admit that a few times, I almost backed off and thought of running the other way.

Thankfully Mr Confident saw right through this. For some reason, this man can read my mind.  He saw that I was having difficulty in letting go and in relaxing and trusting him so he simply offered me some sound advice.  He said 'instead of letting go of something, just add me on to your life and what needs to be let go, will go.....'

Pretty wise advice.  It worked.  Now, with a new add on, I'm finding that I'm letting go of the non essential things.  I THOUGHT that I had a good balance in life.  However now I realize that this balance was a little off....  I will explain this in another entry at another time....

I have my ups and downs with myself,  however I am getting better.  At one point, I was doubting several things about myself and my involvement.  Mr Confident simply hugged me and told me that he was not letting me go and that he would never allow me to push him away.  His words were 'I won't run away from your pushing, I will run right into it.' 

Thankfully we both communicate very well......

I have found myself a Mr Confident that will /is become /becoming my Mr Right....  No, we are not perfect, but we certainly seem perfect for each other....

In letting go of the non important stuff (that I'm learning from Mr Confident), I'm realizing that in order to be whole in a relationship that I must redefine my balance.  Not only do I now need to balance my son in this equation (and so far so good I think), but I need to redefine balance for myself.

I'm slowly letting go of a very rigid routine (even on holidays) and I'm learning to spend quality time with the two men in my life who each want my attention. 

Thankfully, Mr Confident has a young adult son of his own so he understands this.  He is fantastic with my son and is slowly penetrating his trust.....  He knows what he is doing and is proving to be Mr Confident with a teenager also.  I am oh so thankful for this....as you all know, if my son would not be comfortable with a man in my life, it would make a relationship impossible.

So here I am, I'm discovering my new best friend.  I'm communicating well with him, laughing with him and we both completely enjoy each other's company at all times. 

Mr Confident and I are both learning to allow the other to help out with every day things.  That in itself is a big lesson for two independent people.  We are both learning to let go of things, each having different things to let go but each learning to rely on the other one to do so.....

Now THAT is a big lesson.....  I'm letting go and it feels pretty good and pretty secure.....

In letting go, I'm redefining balance for myself... .

Who would have thought that I was off in my balance?  Wow...not me...

Signed yours truly, learning to let go of the non important stuff....

SSW :)

Trusting and having Confidence

A lot has happened once again since the last time I wrote. 

But baby, it's allllll goooood.....  :)

Mr Confident and I are getting to know each other.  We have a super connection going on.  We are discovering startling similarities in each other and are applauding our differences.....

Mr Confident is continuing to be extremely romantic!  He is a kind, gentle, fun and very respectful man. 

He wants me to meet his mother soon.  I'm looking forward to that......

Mr Confidence knows that I have trust issues.  He assures me of his patience with me.  He even told me that he would tell me every day if I needed to hear it...

I feel very comfortable with him.  In fact, I even told him about this blog.  I told him what his name is on the blog.  He smiled and told me that it belongs to me and that he did not want to read it.  He also told me that he keeps a journal and writes.  He is a very good writer......  the romantic emails are priceless to me.....

Yes, I'm smiling.....

No serious bells are ringing.  I've got 'my trust issues paranoia' in check and yes, even my files are quiet.

I'm going by the motto to trust until I have a reason not to trust....

I trust and I have confidence that I won't necessarily ever have a reason not to trust. 

Time will tell.....

But in the meantime, I'm smiling and laughing and giggling and yes, I'm in the process of letting the walls down from around my heart.

Mr Confident assures me that he is holding my heart for me and that he will always protect it.   And yes, in case you are wondering, those were his words......

Signed....a very slowly but surely trusting SSW :))

The Confidence I got from maman

I've been thinking a lot about my maman these last few days.  It marked the one year anniversary of her passing.

Yes, one year ago, I lost the most important woman in my life....my mom.

It is such a strange feeling to not be able to reach out to her anytime I want to.  Still to this day, one year later, I would love to sit with her and talk, hug her, tell her I love her and share a meal with her.

I obviously thought a lot about maman in the last year and I know that it is all part of the grieving.  This woman was without a single doubt the strongest woman alive.  The love that she had for her family made her succeed at everything she started.  Despite her husband, my papa being riddled with Multiple Sclerosis, she continued to be a faithful and loving wife to him, to deal with all of the children, to always manage to make ends meet and to always make sure we all had what we needed.

Maman would work with her hands and with her heart.  She cooked everything from scratch, she sewed our clothes and the house was always spotless.  Not such an easy feat for a household full of children.

I remember a time, Halloween night, my brother's birthday.  Maman was running late for some reason and I needed a costume for a school party in my elementary school.  Lo and behold, my brother got his homemade cake and while we were finishing up our second piece of desert, mom was on her sewing machine.  I won for best costume that year.....

Maman was a stand up lady.  She had her values and her faith.  She often said in her later years that she would not have made it through life without her faith.

She always told me to live for the day and to never settle for anything that didn't make me happy.

Pretty wise words. 

The older I get, the more I understand and appreciate those words.

Yes, maman taught me lots through her actions and her words.

I think the important lesson of persistence and the attitude of never settling (despite the impatience at times) is one that is proving to be quite rewarding for me.......

I am happily establishing a good friendship with Mr Confidence.  I can already see and feel where we could become best of friends.  He is continuing to be oh so patient with me.  The romance, the laughter, the talks....  all 'feel great' stuff! 

Yes, Mr Confidence is in my life.  I'm glad my maman gave me the Confidence to wait for what it is I truly wanted.....

Signed yours truly, taking it one day at a time and enjoying myself,

SSW :)

P.S.  A lesson from my maman....

 

Staying Confident

I haven’t written in about one week. A lot sure has happened since then....
Where do I begin? 

I think I will begin by telling you that I’m smiling….  

Not only am I smiling but my bells are not ringing, my gut is quiet and things feel good... My files are all sleeping ;)

So what is happening in this SSW’s world? 
No, PMrR1 has nothing to do with it. In fact, I’m about to send him THE email….. I am still very disappointed with him but such is life and indeed, it does go on.

Last time I wrote to you, I was on the eve of having another outing with Mr Confidence. I told you that he was not overly confident and that things looked good. I’ve since been out with him twice and have talked with him several times over the phone.

Now Mr Confident is ……hmmmm….confident!!

For our second date, I met Mr Confident for a walk at a park. When he saw me, he walked up to me, gave me a kiss, told me I looked beautiful and that he was happy to see me. He then proceeded to take my hand in his and we walked and talked. That was that! No hesitation on his part….. full of confidence. What a change for me!

This 53 year old handsome gentleman sure seems to know what he wants! Oh boy! And no, I’m not talking sexual. I’m talking respectful, affectionate, calm yet full of energy, funny, secure and ROMANTIC. Holy crap! (lol).

Yes, I’m backpedaling and eating my words big time. Romance does exist!!

Would you like one example? On our third outing, after our movie, we went to a local coffee place in order to access public wifi. Why you may ask? Mr Confident had brought his laptop with him. We ordered coffee, he sat beside me and together, we took turns accessing our personal dating profile. We deleted our profiles from the site….together…..in the middle of a coffee shop, sitting side by side. He brought up exclusivity. I never did.....

After we deleted the profile, he looked in my eyes, kissed me and thanked me for doing this with him. 

I guess it's official, they do exist eh? For the first time since I’ve been on that dating site, a man has not only agreed to, but has also taken the first steps in getting off the site because he had found someone. Me! :)

So now, not wanting to analyze it but certainly wanting to discuss it with you, I want to assure you that yes, I’m careful and will continue to do so. It will be so much better to actually be off the site and concentrate on getting to know one person. 

My guard is up, Mr Confident has picked up on the fact that I am cautious. He simply hugged me and told me that he was a very patient man......

My bff and I had a talk about Mr Confident. My wonderful bff told me wise words. She said ‘don’t anticipate, participate’. I will use it as my new motto. My other good friend also gave me astute words to live by. She says (and she is so right), trust him until he gives you reason not to trust you’. 

Thank goodness for friends that keep my grounded because believe me, after 10 years of being single, being a part of a couple will be quite an adjustment. Mr Confident told me he’d be patient for that too…..

So there you have it. Does Mr Confident = Mr Right? Is he THE one? I don't know yet. But for the first time in almost one year of dating, I seem to be on the right path to find out.... 

He sure has a ton of qualities that I like.... :)

Yes, apparently these confident and romantic men do exist..... 

I’m in shock…but I am smiling…

I will keep you posted.....
SSW :)) yes, that's a big smile!

 

 

 

 

The bunny and duck story

Sounds like a farming entry to my blog doesn't it?

I have this little bunny rabbit running around my yard.  He's a wild rabbit.  He is white in the winter time and at this time of year a beautiful brown colour.  Although he is not knocking on my door, he is quite comfortable in my yard thank you very much.

My precious bunny allows me to look at him from a distance.  Both my son and I gently approach him at times.  He lets us think that we can get close but he never really permits the closeness to occur. 

I love this little guy.  I spot him almost every day, summer or winter.  Usually in my yard, but sometimes in my neighbour's yard.  I like to think that he has accepted me into his life.

Two of my favorite characters.  Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck!  :)

I also have a duck and a drake (male duck, I had to look it up) couple living around me.  I think I probably live around them actually.  Now those two are amazing.  They seem to have a sense of security of relying on each other.  I opened my front door not too long ago and I almost stepped on them.  They looked at me as if I was disturbing their little outing. 

My presence did not bother them in the least.  They waddled along on their merry way, ignoring me for the most part but certainly keeping an eye on me. 

Unlike the rabbit, this feathery couple allow me to get much closer to them.  I don't touch them tough, not really wanting to find out how it feels to be pecked by a duck.

I find great comfort in having these little wild creatures around me.  I feel that it is a good sign, that myself, along with my neighbours are a peaceful group that makes little animals feel comfortable enough to allow us to share their space with them.

Coming home tonight, I spotted my little rabbit friend again, happily munching on the grass.  The sense of comfort in seeing him was....well....comforting.  I remember a time when these comforts were enough for me.  When I could just do my thing in my comfort zone and not be bothered by anything else and more importantly find complete satisfaction in the little things such as the presence of nature around me.

What has changed?  Yes, I was happy to spot bunny and to know that my ducks are around but....I always go back to feeling an uneasiness at the bottom of my gut.  Is it all the fiber I'm eating (I know you were are all thinking it....)?  No, the feeling doesn't have a physiological origin, it's something else.

Sometimes I feel that dating is like the relationship I have with the rabbit.  I can spot it at a distance.  Some closeness can occur but just when I think that I can touch it, the rabbit runs away or even yet, I hold back for fear of getting hurt or scaring it away for good.

I then spot the duck and the drake, the happy couple.  Relying on each other, feeling secure, looking out for each other.  They seem to be less fearful of what is 'out there'.  They have confidence in each other.

Perhaps the rabbit and I need to learn that it's truly ok to let someone approach you.  To trust your instinct and to build the relationship.  Granted the rabbit could lose his life and get eaten alive if he trusts the wrong predator..... I wouldn't necessarily lose my life, but I could lose my heart, I could lose the little trust that I do have left in allowing someone in.  I could lose independence (although I doubt that will happen) but let's face it, I could lose important things....

However, I could gain a reliable partner like the ducks have in each other.  I could perhaps develop a secure partnership with someone.  Not that I feel insecure but......well you know what I mean.....to be able to rely on someone and say 'can you take care of that this time around?'  Oh I can 'handle' everything thrown my way, I truly can.  But sometimes, it would be nice to let someone else worry about the little things.....Know what I mean?  Just to have someone there with you and for you.......

Thing is I'm not so sure I can take that chance and allow the reliance to happen.  But if I don't take that chance, I end up with that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  What an odd conundrum to be stuck in.  Never thought I'd compare myself to a rabbit and to ducks but then again, I never thought I'd be going through these things with some of these dates.....

I know, it's a strange analogy.  The rabbit, the ducks, men, me...... all a bunch of wild animals really (haha).

I'm giving PMrR1 one more week to respond then I will send him the email.  In not sending it right now, I'm only being respectful and an adult about 'things' in giving us the opportunity to talk face to face.  I strongly suspect that PMrR1 is acting like a rabbit though.....  I doubt that he will allow me to approach him. 

I went back to my dating site over the weekend and I've already had a first date.  Very distinguished and kind 53 year old handsome man.  There is nothing like being in a presence of a confident and respectful man.....  I plan on seeing Mr Confident again.  Tentative plans have been set.....  Note that he is not overly confident....  I've noticed and will continue to note....

Mr Earring has made a reappearance.  He is being very careful in asking a few polite questions about PMrR1.   Mr Earring makes me laugh.  I still don't think that we have that much in common but we do not seem to run out of things to email each other about.....

With jumping back into it, I started thinking that perhaps I've been making a mistake in assuming that we are all ducks.  I think most of us, me included are rabbits hiding inside a duck costume.  We need to develop a duck mentality with partnership in mind  and stop acting like a rabbit.  The rabbit can have the job of being a rabbit......

Signed yours truly, trying to act like a duck??  lolol

SSW :)