Plan B

I've had several comments in the past little while about re-thinking my decision to try and find someone on a dating site.  It was suggested to me by some readers and by some friends that perhaps I should expand my search to some interest groups or other activities.

Well, I'm here to discuss these options with you.  Coincidentally this week, a friend asked me through social media if I was willing to meet someone she knew that worked with her husband.  Sure I said, why not?  So, through her, I met this man.  To make a long story very short, it didn't work out.  I did not feel comfortable adding him as a friend to this social media and thus giving him access to my personal info including all of my pictures.  He didn't agree and proceeded to call me childish.  So I pouted, stomped my feet and blocked him! Haha! 

Seriously though, I offered him the opportunity to communicate through email only until we got to know a bit about each other.  I also shared with him my thoughts on safety issues for a single woman.  This is his loss and it's no big deal.  The referring friend was mortified by his behavior.  As it turns out, I just noticed now, that in the space of about 30 minutes of exchanging emails with him a few days ago, that he had lied to me.  He told me that he was not on a dating site but lo and behold, I found him.  He has been on the site for quite some time.... My community is really small......

Next.... 

As you all know, I've been going to the gym on a regular basis.  When you go to a same place regularly at around the same time every day, you meet up with the same people.  I've discovered that this could be an interesting place to meet someone.  Funny enough, I spotted Mr Exercise again today.  Now everytime I'm the first on the exercise machines, Mr Exercise will come and choose the machine next to me.   Today, he was the first on the machines so yes, you guessed it, I picked the one next to him.  We exchanged a smile and then basically ignored each other (lol).  I have no idea if Mr Exercise is married or heterosexual or if he is interested at all, but it does pass the time on the exercise machine now doesn't it?  Bottom line, it's an opportunity and perhaps a possibility?

There are several other opportunities at that place.  Mr Iron, Mr Body Builder, Mr Trying-to-be-a-body-builder, Mr Runner, Mr Trying-to-get-in-shape, Mr Puffed-out-chest etc.....  All of them are real and are more or less always at the gym at the same time as me.  So yes, the gym is a good place for meeting new people. 

There is also the library.  Now my time is limited for the library but it is a point of interest for me.  I have thought of joining a book club but the book clubs that I know of are all work related.  I need to find a new one.  Mental note to find one soon.

Another avenue are my friends.  Most of them are keeping an eye out for me, waiting to find a single man and to pounce on the poor guy! ;)

There are bars and such but those are not really my scene.  I would like to take dance lessons but for that, you need a regular dance partner (I was told it is better to have someone with you to take the course).

We have the Running Room (a sports store) that also has regular outside running sessions with a variety of people during the week.  This is something that I may look into in the spring.  It was also suggested to me that I should start hanging around arenas.  I had an image of me sitting on a cold bench, alone in an arena trying to pick up single hockey dads.....haha!  Not a pretty image and if it's my last resort, well then I shall remain single :)

An option that I've been toying with is taking a course....  Perhaps that would be a good avenue for me.  I just need to not only figure out the course (which could be easy enough to do) but to especially find the time for this said course.

I have my date with Mr 2G2BT lined up for tomorrow and as of yet, he has not cancelled.  I'm a bit surprised at that actually....

I also have several other dates lined up for the weekend and for next week.  Remember my decision to date more than one at the same time?  Well it's about to happen....  We shall see how that goes....

I have had one outing cancelled due to weather issues this week.  We've had some wild winter weather in my area and cancellations of many activities and some dates are bound to happen.

So there you have it.  My Plan B in action if my Plan A (the dating site) doesn't work.  Actually, it's more of a Plan B that is working along with Plan A.  Who knows what will happen with both Plans in the works!

To clarify, I am not always thinking of meeting someone.  In fact, on most days, I don't even think of my 'singlehood'.  Perhaps that is the problem.  I need to pay more attention to what, or rather, to whom is out there!!

Oh yes, I get frustrated and bummed out and disappointed and such but please be reassured that I don't dwell on it (I just blog about it - HA!).  The way I look at it, I may as well put myself out there and really give it a try at all levels.  No regrets, no holding back, just honestly trying....

If you, my dear readers, can think of another place where I can meet someone, please feel free!  An add on to my Plan B perhaps?  Or maybe something completely different?  After all, after A and B, there are 24 other letters in the alphabet.....

Yours in high hopes that I don't get to Plan Z

SSW :)

The Bummed Out List!

I've been kicking myself mentally all day!  It's not easy to kick yourself mentally, it doesn't take lots of physical energy but the mental energy....oh my!  If I could transfer that mental energy into calories burnt, I would never have to go to the gym again! 

Thankfully though, the gym does take care of settling my mental exhaustion from kicking myself too much up there (yes there).  My files are getting pushed around by me today.  I'm tired of them, I'm tired of hearing them battle and I don't want to hear them anymore.  The E file said this and the T file said that and the M file is confused and AHHHHHHH!!!!!    Shut up all of you already!  SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  The owner of the files is tired and is presently BUMMED OUT!| 

Yes, a big attack of being in the dumps is settling in.  *sigh*.

What am I gloomy about?  What is causing this disapointment? Well how much time do you have? 

1. Men
2. Me
3. Men
4. My expectations
5. My over analysis
6. Ignorant people
7. My reactions
8. My lack of trust
9. My constant questioning about everything
10. My patience

Once again.... *SIGH*....

Mr 2G2BT wrote to me this morning.  He enjoyed himself 'so much' on our outing on Friday.  He also says that he is thinking about me a lot..... Oh Oh!  I'm NOT thinking about him a lot.  I really hate that.  Will I ever be on the same page as another man?

More importantly, when I do meet someone and when it seems we are on the same page, how will I know if he's not a control freak with anger issues getting ready to strike?  How will I know if it's not someone that is 'faking' being on the same page just to get what he wants, just to reel me in?

I just heard you....You just yelled 'BE PATIENT'.  Yeah yeah yeah, stop the yelling, I know!  :)

Let's go through my bummed out list:

1. Men:  Not all of them are bad, most are good, I just need to meet the right one!  Of course, if so many of them would just be honest.....  but then again, when they are honest, I still don't want what they are being honest about (walk on me, have small feet, pee on me, smoke weed with me, be my friend with benefits, don't ask questions, be skinny, like my motor bike cause it is my priority, I want a woman who owns a house, I live with my parents, I don't talk to my kids, I'm a dead beat dad...etc...).  The list is wayyyy too long.

2.  Me:  Hmmm, why did I put ME on the list?  You are starting to know that ME person. Me told me that she is not disappointed with her core values, with whom she is and with her independence.  ME is just struggling with her vision and her attitude with the numbers 1 and 3 on her list.  ME is still very happy to be a SSW that can dump it all at any time (and let me tell you that it is super tempting right now).

3.  Men: Please refer to number 1.

4.  My expectations:  What am I?  Nuts?  Will I ever meet this man that I'm expecting to find?  Look at Mr 2G2BT.  What is wrong with him?  Ok, fine, I'm finding that he is really high keyed and that I'm not attracted to him.  Do I continue to see him and therefore create expectations on his part because he seems to be 'thinking of me a lot'.  Will I possibly develop an attraction and suddenly not care that he is high keyed?  Argghh!!

5. My over analysis:  No two ways about it, I'm driving myself over the edge again.  I suspect I may drive you over the edge also. Ha!  What did I say in some of my entries?  Take a deep breath and keep busy?  That sounds about right at the moment!

6. Ignorant people :  I don't think there is enough space on the blogger.com site for me to write how ignorance irritates me.  Especially when people are so ignorant that they don't know that they are being ignorant.  I avoid ignorant men like the plague.  'Hey baby, I just came out of the shower, want to talk'?  'I'm in the unemployment line of work right now, but you are working' (yes, I've actually had a man tell me that).  'Education is over rated, I have a job working with my hands, I'm good with my hands baby'.  I almost puked at that one. 

Believe me when I say that the first two words that my possible future partner tells me will not be 'hey baby'.  I love being called baby or honey, but it won't be the first words he says to me.....  Anyways, those are mild examples.  I can't even bring myself to write about more.  I'm sure at this point that you can imagine it though.

7. My reactions:  I try hard to ignore ignorance.   I over analyze too much (but we've discussed this), I get disappointed too easily (I'm thinking of Mr Coach as I write this), thank goodness I'm independent! Could you imagine if I wasn't? 

I am having trouble learning to let things be (check out my entry 'Unvirtuous me').   At the very least I'm aware of my impatience and I am working on it.  Right?

I'm learning to take deep breaths and to take it one day at a time in this dating world.

8. My lack of trust: This is part of the reason that I am blogging isn't it?  I've been self-sufficient for a long time and I know that in meeting a partner that I will have to adjust my independence.  I don't want to get hurt but I don't know many people who want to get hurt.

Even though it wasn't a romantic relationship, I have had a long time friend (10 years plus) disappear out of nowhere.  That is playing on my mind (and on my heart).

Still though, I'm not sure why there is such a lack of trust on my part.  I'm trying to pinpoint THE exact moment when I started NOT trusting.  It may be a combination of factors, refer to my entry 'To Pee or Not to Pee' for more information on the subject.  Heck, refer to most entries on this blog!  :)

9. My constant questioning about everything:  I've had a teacher tell me once that my questioning was a sign of high intelligence!  Need I say more?  Hahaha!

10. My patience: I purposely did not write my impatience as this title.  I've discussed the virtue of patience already and my lacking of it.  It has dawned on me though that perhaps in some aspects that I am in fact being very patient!  I could have easily settled for many of these men a long time ago and I didn't.  I am not looking for perfection but I am looking for someone perfect for me.  I know that this is cliché but it is what it is.....  I will NOT settle and I am patient enough to wait.  This is really contradictory eh?  So to recap, I'm impatient to know what happens in a relationship, but I'm patient to wait for the right one.  Does it make sense?  I think so?

I had a good email session with Mr 2G2BT.  I just informed him that he should slow it down.  I did share with him my thoughts that a sexual relationship with a partner is obviously important but that I would like to wait and see who that partner will be.  That we do not know each other enough yet to know if we will be partners.

He replied that he understands and agrees with me and we will meet again towards the end of the week for a session at the gym and then dinner.   

My E-file has just quietly announced to me (he din't like the mental kicking he just received so he is treading carefully), that Mr 2G2BT may cancel this upcoming date and that I won't hear from him again.  My E file has plenty of entries from men who have disappeared after I have asked them to back down.  However, I'm thinking that Mr 2G2BT is pretty classy, therefore, if he doesn't cancel this upcoming date, he will not ask me out again once this one is done. 

We will see what happens.... I may be completely wrong on this.... I will keep you posted.

I am feeling better after writing about my bummed out list.  I was also tired today and slept quite a bit. 

There is a lot to be said about being rested.  There is also a lot to be said about expressing these thoughts in a blog.

Thank you for reading!

Signed yours in a not so bummed out state after all,

SSW :)

Pistanthrophobia

In the last few entries, I have mentionned someone to you.  Do you remember Mr Coach's colleague (Mr Coach was introduced to you in my entry 'The Bid D' )?   His colleague and I have been communicating now for quite some time over email on the dating site.  He is more of an arts kind of guy, enjoys acting and music.  We will call him Mr Artsy. 

Now Mr Artsy clearly states in his profile that not only does he want a long term relationship, but that he also wants to get married again.  I'm not quite sure about marriage (I'm still trying to get more than two weeks in with one guy),  however that is a hurdle I will cross if ever it presents itself.

So all is good, Mr Artsy and I are getting to know each other.  We seem to have quite a few things in common.  He is very involved in his children's lives and I respect that completely.  We have not been able to meet yet because of scheduling difficulties on both our parts, but it will come..... at least I thought it would.....And before you ask, I have not told him about his colleague Mr Coach.

Yesterday, while discussing the fact that we should probably meet face to face soon he dropped a bombshell on me.  Out of the blue he stated that he realized that he needs to work on being happy with himself and that getting into a relationship right now is not a good idea.  He then added 'but a friend with benefits is always welcomed even though I know that it is not what you want.  The last I thing I want to do'  he says, 'is hurt someone'. 

Smooth isn't he?

1.2 seconds after he said that, my E file yelled 'haha',  then jumped up and started searching for entries about past experiences. My T file smirked and even said 'I told you not trust anyone's words!'  Then, the M file got pensive, took off her glasses and last time I peeked, looked quite distraught over the whole scenario.

I've decided for now that it is way easier to let them figure things out in my brain for awhile.

While the files were reacting, several things occurred to me at once after that statement.

First one is that Mr Artsy has never wanted a relationship in the first place, that he pretended to want one only to reel me in.

Second thing, Mr Artsy is actually being honest.  He has realized that he needs time and that he has a few issues to work on.

The third thing is pure and simple paranoia.  He changed his mind because of me, it's my fault, there are no two ways about it....

So there you have it.  Lots of things going on up there eh? (yes there).  I didn't get one warning bell, probably because we thankfully never met.

I don't know what to think but frankly I'm proud of myself for not responding in an impulsive manner.  Such as telling him 'you're a lying jerk, that's all you ever wanted', etc...   I simply did not say anything.

I strongly believe that what he truly wants is a friend with benefits but at least I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he has realized that he needs time. I'm also starting to feel more secure that paranoia has nothing to do with this and that I didn't do anything wrong.  Even though I feel like I wasted time in a big way, perhaps it's not so bad because I'm learning to NOT jump to conclusions. 

Bottom line I will never know if the reason he gave me is in fact true.  It doesn't really matter except it did unbalance things again in terms of my new motto to trust first. 

Perhaps I should revert to my old way of thinking 'don't trust until proven otherwise....'

I'm starting to think that I'm  suffering from pistanthrophobia....the fear of trusting people.

Now speaking of trust, let's talk about tonight's outing.  I had an evening with Mr 2G2BT tonight.  We went to our local minor league hockey game an then went out for a drink.  Mr 2G2BT is smooth, have I mentionned that already?  He likes to talk (in fact, he really really likes to talk), he's intelligent an knowledgeable, I will give him that.  He tried to move a bit too fast for a third date (key word being 'tried') but he did show respect (which is obviously very important). 

Now whether Mr Artsy had something to do with it or not, something is up.  My trust instinct is all messed up and the files are still arguing.  In fact, I just saw a Do Not Disturb sign in front of my Mitigation file.  Yup, something is up.....

*sigh*.  I still maintain that Mr 2G2BT is in fact, 2G2BT.  Is it my instinct?  Is it a fake warning bell?  Is my E file out of control because my M file has put up a DND sign?  I'm not even going to talk about the T file right now...

Am I in fact suffering from Pistanthrophobia? 

Biggest question of the evening:  Am I all out of sorts because Mr 2G2BT is NOT ringing any bells and this in turn makes me hear a warning bell?  Is it that messed up in there?  (yes there). 

Hmmmm, my M file just put her Do Not Disturb sign away....  she is ready to tackle this new possibility..... 

I don't want to trust, I fear the trust, I hate that I have to force myself to trust but I don't think it's a phobia.....yet. 

There are lots and lots of different messages filing through there (yes there). I'm not sure what to think.  I will however do what I said I would do in my entry 'Unvirtuous me'.  I will take a deep breath, let it be and keep busy. 

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm still on high alert over the whole thing but I need to be patient and I need to........ hmmmm BE PATIENT!!

Unfortunately, this has thrown me into serious over analysis......Thus explaining why I'm writing this at 3:30 AM.

Give it time SSW, just give it time.....

Signed a possible pistanthrophobic SSW :)

Paused Mental Stability

While at the gym a few days ago, I was in a very crowded women's change room.  I was leaving while many others, mostly 17-19 year olds were getting ready.  I was doing my thing, changing after my workout and was not really paying attention to anything in particular.

My ear suddenly got tuned into a conversation that was being held between two girls (around 17 years old).  They were talking loudly so that doesn't count as eavesdropping right?  Besides, it was interesting material, possible blog related material, I couldn't just NOT listen when it was so obviously loud....HA.

It seems that one of the girls was upset.  She was upset about a 'F***ken A*S' of a GUY.  Oh oh I thought.  This is not good.  Nothing like an emotionally charged 17 year old girl upset at a GUY!!!!  Don't know about you but if I were that so called A*S of a GUY, I sure as heck would have hidden out for a few days....especially after her declaration 'I'm in PMS too so it's not good ' ! Yikes!!!

She was in PMS, PreMenstrual Syndrome, or as I like to call it Paused Mental Stability.  *sigh*.

Anyways, this lovely teen girl was upset, her voice was cracking and she was on the verge of crying.  He had apparently hurt her badly.  There was another lady in the change room that also noticed the conversation.  This lady was closer in age to me.  We exchanged knowing looks, sympathetic smiles and finished doing our thing......

What could we, as middle aged women, have said to this young hormonal girl.  Mind you, I'm not so sure she is more hormonal that this perimenopausal woman listening to her.... I could teach her a thing or two about Paused Mental Stability!  HA!! 

It's so easy to blame our emotions on hormones isn't it!  I seriously try to avoid the link and I try to take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions instead of blaming those on hormones.... I tried and succeeded for the most part my life up until a few years ago when I discovered that I was not necessarily in charge of those said hormones.  Perimenopause had reared its' ugly head!!! 

You know in cartoons sometimes when you see someone trying to make a decision?  They have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, each telling the person what to do?  Well that happens to me in my brain.  Great you say, another thing happening up there along with all my files! Ha!

For the most part I'm able to make the right decision. I've developed survival mechanisms over the years that have helped me deal with the two voices in my head.  The bitchy complaining one, you know the loud one that gets on your own nerves let alone everyone else's and the other one, the one trying to tell you to shut up and walk away.  Most of the time, depending on how tired I am (and then I just start crying), I'm able to walk away.  Oh I still get some serious Mental Pauses, however, for the most part, I'm fully aware that I'm having an attack of the Paused Mental Stability.   This wisdom of  knowing to walk away and of knowing what is happening is filed in my E file.  This is a good entry to the file.... in fact, it's probably my best entry!  On top of that, this wise knowledge is also stored in my T file.  I sure trust that one let me tell you!

Not only have I learnt to stop talking, bite my tongue and walk away, I have also learnt to never ever make an important decision at THAT time.  Why?  Because the decision is full of emotions, full of hormones and usually not well thought out.  An emotional only decision is usually a bad decision.

I think if I could have said something to that teen girl the other day, it would have been 'give it time, walk away, sleep, talk to your girlfriends, cry, but DO NOT talk to that GUY until you are done your PMS, until your Mental state is not Paused and is once again stable'.  Now obviously I didn't know the full story but I think that this may have been a good starting point for her.  I also know that telling a woman going through PMS that she is in a state of Paused Mental Stability could have indeed caused serious verbal and possible physical assault on my being! 

Now, I will throw in a paragraph for liability purposes.  If you are a naive unsuspecting young man reading this, please do not use my words.  DO NOT approach a woman that is clearly in PMS and tell her that she is in a state of Paused Mental Stability.  Side effects of using such words are as follows:  you may experience being yelled at, you could perhaps get slapped, you may get a cold shoulder for the next week, you may sleep on the couch very far away from the said woman (and for a very long time).  If this woman, the recepient of your words is your mother, you may get punished until you are 35 years old, lose all of your gaming entertainment and get THE speech of your lifetime.  Do not try this at home, at school or at work. (This warning is brought to you by yours truly and by every medical and mental health association you can think of).

This being said, I pride myself on trying to raise a son that is sensitive to a woman's needs (my future daughter in law better thank me one day).  While having one of our many talks years ago about the woman's reproduction system, puberty, monthly cycles and eventual menopause, my 11 year old solemnly declared to me that 'you women are very complicated'.  He was very happy to not have his body go through all of 'those things'.  My boy and I also had a very serious talk about the respect that he must have for such things happening in a woman's body.  For the respect that SHE must have about her own body and that HE, as a boy and eventually as a man must also show to all women.  Much to my delight, I have succeeded in transmitting this message and he is a very respectable young man!

I would be willing to bet that most men are somewhat confused about this whole PMS thing.  Some guys are very uncomfortable and don't say much about it.  Others are crass about it.  There are tons jokes about it.  Some men are repulsed by it, don't believe in it and some are sarcastic and cynical over it. 

I have to say that for the most part, that I have been very lucky with my experience in the men vs PMS stand off.  My late husband was very caring and understanding about it and would often shut up and just hug me.  Now I must note that him being 20 years my senior was an advantage in this case.  He had learnt, through years of experience, that this was probably the safest reaction for him ;)  Because my son was brought up in an open environment, he has also learnt to be gentle and caring with his mother when she is in her state of Paused Mental Stability.

Hormones are a part of our lives whether we want them or not.  I think this young girl from the gym will probably develop her own survival mechanisms when it comes to GUYS in general and when it comes to these said GUYS and her hormones.  She probably won't have a choice in figuring out, identifying and controling her own Paused Mental Stability attacks.

I find as men get older that they are more opened to talking about such things.  So far, the little dating I have done has shown me men that are, for the most part, sympathetic about the whole women and hormones scenario.  Of course at their age they have all had their share of experiences in this matter, so they better be sympathetic ;)

I just had an attack of Paused Mental Stability a few days ago.  My reasoning was shot out the door.  In trying to develop better eating habits I ended up gaining 7lbs in 3 weeks.  Needless to say, if you refer to my entry (U Can't Touch This) this gain was not welcomed and was met with much frustration and anxiety.  However, I have adjusted the errors made in my diet and also realized (with some relief) that my perimenopausal state and fluid retention had caused a bit of this gain.

Now that I've sorted this out,  I have filed the knowledge that perimenopause is IN FACT EVIL AND HATEFUL (oops I was shouting).  Let me try again.  I have registered into my E-file, that hormones levels during perimenopause can sometimes make me gain.  I should now be able to control future attacks of my Paused Mental Stability caused by weight gain around THAT time (it's hard not to raise your voice while talking about THAT THING). 

Back to the girl from the gym, I truly hope that she, (along with every other girl and women) notices her reactions at that special time of the month and that she remembers what works and what doesn't work in trying to control her attitude.  It could mean a big difference in how she feels about herself and how other important people in her life (such as that GUY) feels about her.

Now I DON'T CARE if it's -40 outside, OPEN A WINDOW, I'm having a hot flash.....

Signed, yours in a currently mild state of Paused Mental Stability.

SSW :)


Gotta love Maxine! 

Unvirtuous me

There is an old adage that states that patience is a virtue.  That to be able to wait for something and to be able to trust that time will settle things is noble and oh so virtuous. 

Well I'm here to tell you that I've come to the realization that I'm unvirtuous and clearly not patient at all when it comes to relationships or the potential of one.

Oh I know all about the virtue of patience.  I have gone through years of weight battles, I work in the 'people field' where it is necessary to be very patient at times.  I know all about being patient.

Now why in the world can I not apply this patience to my dating life?  It's weird, I say I'm not desperate and that I am very independent yet, I want to jump ahead and see what happens? 

Now that I stop and think about it, I do that in books also.  I often jump ahead to the end of my book to read what will happen?  As a little girl, I used to go under the Christmas tree when no one was around and carefully unwrap my gifts to see what they were (thus ruining the surprise for Christmas day).  Why would I do that?  The obvious answer is that I'm impatient at times.  In case you are wondering, I do not still unwrap my gifts from under the tree before it's time to open them ;)

This begs the question.  Is there a control freak lurking in this Self-Sufficient Women's psyche somewhere?  OMG, I've been complaining that some men are control freaks.  Am I in fact just as bad as they are???  Why would I read ahead in a book?  Why would I unwrap gifts before the right time?  And why oh why am I impatient about this dating thing?

Frankly, I'm not exactly sure what is preventing me from dumping the whole dating scene.  I was way more comfortable NOT dating.  I was untroubled doing my thing at home, cozy and nestled in my own little world and not having to be concerned about this Mr or that Mr. 

It would be comforting to go back but I will NOT dump the whole dating world.  I am realizing that if I want to maybe find a life partner that I need to not feel the urge to control the outcome.  I must trust that the cards will fall where they fall and that the only thing that I can control is me and my reaction to it all.  Does that make sense?

I'm slowly figuring out that in order to trust, that I need to be patient with myself first and just go day to day and let things settle as they should. 

I am realizing that I do not NEED to know how anything develops.  I just have to give it time.

What I do need to do is to stop and take a deep breath when I start feeling that desire to know....whether it be in books, for gifts or for future possible relationships.  After the deep breath, I will keep myself busy.

Deep down somewhere inside of me, I feel the comfort of knowing that no matter what, I'll be ok.  That I am truly self-sufficient and that I do not have to do this at all costs.  I know that I am simply being impatient or perhaps even curious about the future. 

What I'm truly living though is the sensation you get when you apply for another job after 20 years of working at the same place, or when you decide you will leave your partner of  10 years.  I am feeling the distress of stepping out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes it is easier to stay where you are presently, whether it be in a boring job or in an unhappy relationship.  It is only when you have taken that leap of faith that you realize that there is another life out there for you.

I just hope that I can hold on to my patience and that I do not get discouraged too soon.  That IF ever I decide to drop this and go BACK to my comfort zone it will not be because I was scared of the outcome or that I was too impatient to wait.....

In my past entries, I have named some of my reasons in wanting a life partner.  One reason I have not yet admitted to you is my fear of growing old alone.  I know very well that I would be fine to grow old alone, that I'm ressourceful enough to keep busy and to do my own thing but still..... alone as you get older and as time creeps by....  it's sometimes scary.

I've had an absolutely amazing woman in my life that was alone for the last 25 years of her life.  My mother.  She was an incredible woman that took it one day at a time at all levels.  She made things happen for herself whether it be in terms of meeting new friends, finding new activities and learning new hobbies.  She never complained about being alone but sometimes I would spot a tiny little crack in the meaning of her words.  'It's not always easy being alone' she would say.  Or my favorite 'sometimes I have to have a good talk with myself '.  I already know what she meant by those words....

With a role model like that, I know that I would be more than ok, even if she did start her 'alone' stage at a much older age than what I am presently.

Another thing I admired so much about my mother is that, as she aged and as she saw her lifelong friends pass away, she built up a new social network.  She knew she had to continue having friends and she made sure to make that happen. Not a small feat for anyone, let alone an elderly person. 

I lost this incredible woman in July 2012.  Not a day goes by without me thinking of her several times per day.  In fact, sometimes I still catch myself wanting to call her...... I suspect it will take me awhile to 'remember' that I just can't call her...

I sometimes stop and imagine what she would think of this blog of mine.  I have a strong image of her shaking her head at me and telling me 'you are complicating your life my girl'.  lol.   She would have also stated that we must all go through our journey though....

I vow to all of you right now that I will not give up on my quest to finding a lifelong partner until I feel deep down that I have tried my best.  I will continue to filter my experiences through my mitigation file before entering any more data into my trust file though. That being said, I will definitely continue to trust myself, to try and trust the man I'm potentially going to date and to also consider your opinions before making any decisions.

More importantly, I will continue to challenge myself to move out of my comfort zone. 

I'm reminded of Lee Ann Womack's song 'I Hope You Dance'. 

I leave you with some of her lyrics.....

I remain yours, truly in search of virtue,

SSW :)

2G2BTP2

Hello and welcome to my Too Good To Be True Part 2 entry. 

Mr 2G2BT and I had a change of plans from a few days ago to today.  We did see each other though.  We met at the gym earlier in the day than anticipated and then we went for a late lunch.

Before I tell you about the date, I want to tell you the reason for the change of plans.  Firstly, he had to drive his daughter to and from work because there was a change in her hours.  No problem, I have no issues with that.  Secondly, the change of plans was due to the hockey season starting over today.  His team was playing tonight.   I'm not sure what to think about that?

To be fair to him, the National Hockey League has been on strike and there hasn't been a game in quite some time.  He loves his hockey but he did tell me on our first outing that he could take it or leave it if need may be.  Also, in his defense, this is only our second outing..... 

My Mitigation file has taken note of my concerns.  My E file is jumping up and down and screaming, entries are flying all over the place again.  Why you may ask?  The E file is trying to get my attention.  The E file wants me to really take a look at this change of plans.  The E file is throwing entries at me, showing me other times in the past where plans were changed.  My E file is furious at me now cause I'm ignoring the temper tantrum.   My T file is still laying there emotionless in its' corner.....

I think the M file is showing me to use a bit of reason in this.  It is only a second date and more importantly it wasn't a big elaborate outing that was planned.  This is noted in the M file and life happily goes on.  Well, life happily goes on for me,  my E file (in my brain in case you have not read the earlier entries) is not impressed at all!

So how was the outing you may ask?  We met at the gym late morning.  I wasn't too keen on showing up on a 'date' in my sweats and not necessarily looking my best but then I said 'What the heck, I am what I am'!  The gym was ok.  I seem to be someone that pushes herself more at the gym than he does.  We were fine, conversed and kept an eye on each other's ability. 

After the workout, we parted ways, I went home to shower and change and he showered at the gym (it is soooo not complicated for a man).  Anyhow, we met one hour later for a nice lunch.

Once again I have to say that Mr 2G2BT was still way 2G2BT.  Conversation flowed, he seems well balanced,  he's intelligent, and talks about all kinds of things. 

In my E file there is a definite entry that I like intelligent men.  I'm attracted to them and lo and behold, my T file agrees.  I think I just spotted my M file nodding at me, confirming that this attraction to intelligence is in all three files and that it is ok to look for that trait in a man.  The M file also just confirmed to me that I am in fact NOT a snob if I don't feel any attraction whatsoever to a man that cannot stimulate my mind. 

Mr 2G2BT has very high energy and I caught him saying that he might be someone with an undiagnosed  ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).  I am fully aware of the ADHD traits and although I have not spotted anything in terms of distractions, I definitely spotted the active (hyper?) part of it.  Nothing wrong with lots of energy.... 

Wait a minute please, stop and listen.........

...............................

...........nope, nothing.  I can't hear any bells ringing.  No ding and no dong.  Things are quiet in terms of warning bells.....

Now I'm not saying that I'm going to ignore everything, but I'm really trying to give it time.....

I'm not seeing any sparks fly with Mr 2G2BT, however, somewhere scattered in the mess that is my E file (he really threw a tantrum), there is an entry in there which states that sparks and physical attraction do not necessarily happen immediately!   My T file complacently agrees and my M file just gave me a thumbs up.   Mr 2G2BT does have beautiful blue eyes though.....

We left our lunch with a shake of the hands in the restaurant then a hug outside.  Mr 2G2BT and I have made plans to keep in touch until we see each other sometime this week for an outing...perhaps a walk?  While discussing what to do mid-week, Mr 2G2BT said something funny and a bit odd.  He said 'Although I would like to, I can't offer you a quick flight to New York for an evening outing'.   I was a bit surprised at this comment and told him I certainly had no expectations whatsoever of that type of outing. I'm not sure where that comment came from?  It didn't ring a bell but I wonder about it..... 

I am looking forward to seeing him again.  There is still something about Mr 2G2BT that I can't put my finger on, I can't pinpoint it.....he is still too, too, too.....something.  I don't necessarily think that it's something bad though, I'm just not sure what it is.  Again, I won't over analyze it (pretty good of me eh)?

The filing system analogy I use to describe what is going on in there (yes there) is helping me quite a bit in not only putting into words what I want to share with you but has also helped me break down my thoughts and my experiences. 

In the past, I never used to go out on a date with another man while there was some 'potential' with someone else.  After processing this through my M file I have decided that it may be better for me to in fact continue to meet other men if the occasion arises. 

With that in mind, I will meet someone else Monday evening for a coffee....  I have been exchanging emails with him for a few months now an for some reason we never did have the time to meet.  He has younger children though (the bells have already rung) but I will keep an open mind about this. 

I don't know if dating more than one person at a time will confuse things for me or make things clearer.  I have no entry in the E file about this yet so it's a new experience for me.

I am also still communicating with Mr Coach's colleague (remember Mr Coach in my entry 'The Big D')?  I'm not sure where that is going or if it will go anywhere.....No, I have not told him about Mr Coach.....

I have a sneaky suspicion that my E file will freak out completely if I go out with Mr Coach's fellow worker though.....  Oh oh, my M file did not like that comment.  I've just been reprimanded and told that it is not a fair statement....  *sigh*.   At times, it's a bit complicated up there (yes there).

My files and I bid you a good night!

SSW :)

2G2BT

Now before I start writing, I will immediately tell you that I already know what you will all be thinking by the end of this entry to my blog !  You will all say 'SSW, you are cynical'.  I know you will say it so I decided to say it before you!  So THERE!  HA!  Thing is, I sort of agree with you all!

I went out tonight after a two week break.  I met Mr Too Good To Be True. 

Mr 2G2BT is almost 53 years old, kind, gentle, intelligent, witty, funny, very presentable, respectful, attentive and wayyyyy too, too, too.....hmmmm, I don't know what to write..... way too SOMETHING!  I don't know, I can't put my finger on it.  He definitely earned the title of Mr 2G2BT though. 

Now you may ask 'Were your bells ringing'?  My answer is a resounding 'no' (well yes but only because I think he is 2G2BT).  So I know that you are now concluding, (as I am by the way) that my T file has been closed shut, jumped on and kidnapped by my E file.  I admit that the possibility has crossed my mind.  *sigh*.

BUT!!!  (Did you hear that BUT)?  The good news is that for the first time ever, I have put an entry in my M file.  The mitigation process has begun and my E file is trembling, entries are flying all over the place in there (yes, in my brain).  I have NOT jumped to any conclusion (well apart from the fact that he is 2G2BT) and more importantly, I have not already given up on him.  In fact, the bells are not ringing too loudly.  To be honest,  I haven't really found anything wrong with him. Yes my dear readers I think I may actually be faced with a ghost warning bell!  A FAKE!  My M file is looking into it, spectacles positioned for thorough examination, pen poised and ready to take notes in this, the file's first entry!  (My files have a very definite persona).

My M file has already made me realize that my T file may in fact be too scared to open up right now because this guy is really 2G2BT!  Something to think about.....

I'm nervous about this.  I'm also at an hormonal time (blog on hormones coming up soon) and I know for a fact (as I will discuss in this future blog) that I WILL NOT BE MAKING ANY DECISIONS WHATSOEVER WHILE I'M BEING HORMONAL!  Oops, sorry, did I yell that!!!??  I'm sorry for yelling..... don't be upset with me for yelling or I may cry a little or a lot, (darn hormones).... anyways, I digress.

Mr 2G2BT has an excellent career, is quite knowledgeable in his field, talks like a father that cares about his young adult children, seems to love his work and could talk his way out of anything (and probably into anything also).  He is a happy person, content and very clear as to what he wants out of life.  

Just so you all know, my M file is writing furiously at this time.  The E file is in one corner sulking (that M file can be vicious in her demands) and the T file is in the other corner, completely emotionless at the moment.  Things are pretty tense up there (yes there).  But I won't worry about it and I will let the M file take care of things for the time being.

Only time will tell.  I'm seeing Mr 2G2BT again on Saturday for an outing at the gym and then out to dinner.

I have to admit that I was shocked to see the time when I left the restaurant tonight.  I met him at 7h30 pm and when I peeked at the time in the car on my way back, it was almost 11h00 pm.  I honestly did not see the time go by...... I am staying away from deep analysis on this (aren't you all proud of me)?  I've delegated this task to my M file.  Besides, deep analysis while hormonal is dangerous not only for me but for anyone around me..... HA!

I have nothing else to say except let's see what comes out of this....

Stay tuned....

Yours in uncertainty,

SSW :)